lashes2508 Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I apologise now for posting this but just need an outlet amongst virtual friends . I have 2 beautiful children from 2 separate fathers , my daughter is 20 and my son 13 . When these relationships broke down I ensured that firm relationships were nurtured and maintained with their dads . I never refused access or holidays and more. Sadly my son has now become more and more estranged from me , I have not seen him for 3 months, he refuses to respond to my texts , calls and today when I dropped off a friends daughter to school he completely ignored me, he and his dad were laughing and I felt so humiliated. This erractic relationship has been going on for over 18 months , since he has lived with his dad . Every day is so hard and yet I continue on , avoiding or dreading situations where people will ask me how he is doing . It's seems so ridiculous that I do the job I do , care the way I do and yet have failed my own son for whatever reasons. Today was a friends funeral , I was unable to attend , part of me feels so angry that her children are now without a mother and I have a son who does not want his mother, I feel guilty for not going to the wake as my own grief would have overtaken , I struggle on hiding and ' being strong' in the face of things , listening to ' he come back in his own time ' Mother's Day was hard no text call , nothing , I feel heart broken and don't know what to do anymore, I know it has affected his sister , I feel guilty for being upset , I just feel I failed Quote
sunnyday Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Oh lashes, my lovely, I couldn't possibly just read and run, oh how very, very sad - so wish that I had some meaningful advice to pass on...... So sorry to hear that you have lost your friend too - gosh it's a hard world at times...... All I can do is send you a huge hug - wish I could give you a real one xxx 4 Quote
Panders Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Lashes all the platitudes in the world can't make you feel better, but often they are true, in time he will see how hard it has been on you, but maybe not as quickly as you might hope. For the moment he needs to know, and I'm sure you have told him somehow, that you love him and he can come to you at any time. He probably needs "man time" at the moment, but this can't last forever. Do make sure you go to your GP if things get too bad for you - don't just struggle on. Think of something special you can do to pamper yourself too, a girlie night with your daughter or a friend maybe, this may seem trite, but you have to look after yourself in as many little ways that you can. Very easy to get worthless feelings when you feel rejected. As Sunnyday has so brilliantly put, virtual hugs from me too, just wish it could be the real thing. 1 Quote
Rea Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 You havent failed :1b Any one of us can only do the best we can. He might come back in his own time and then again he might not but do you have to wait for it to be 'his time'? Thirteen's a funny age for anyone, but he's likely mixed up at the moment. New rules with his dad, new routines, new everything. Maybe he feels guilty about having a good time and this way he doesnt have to let you know? Would you be able to write to him? A proper letter might be received differently to a text, the shock to a 13 year old of actually getting one would be enough for him to be curious enough to open it at least, a text can be deleted and forgotten so easily. Just tell him you love him, I dont think I'd start asking why he was acting like he is or if I can see him, I think I'd just say I love you, I miss you, I'm always here for you. I dont think I'd hide it from people either. When someone asks how he is just tell them you dont know, if people judge you, they're not friends worth keeping. Take the added burden of secrecy away. I hope it all turns out well. :1b Sending a great big virtual hug (( ))) 3 Quote
Stargrower Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. Do you have someone you can talk to properly without having to be brave? Someone who can pass the tissues and listen? It's so important to share, just as you have by posting, but even better face to face. I feel so helpless by not being able to offer any advice. Keep plodding on (as we all do!) and have a big virtual hug from me too. xxx 1 Quote
Sharky Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm so sad for you. I can only imagine your pain. He is still only a child and cannot possibly really understand what this is doing to you. Please let people around you support you and carry on letting him know you will always love and be there for him. 1 Quote
dreamgirl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Oh my goodness. Poor you. My advice would be.......I expect you have a good relationship with your daughter. Take heart from this, because it should show you that you are a good mother. As far as your son is concerned, perhaps you don't fully know what his dad has been saying to him, which might have caused him to temporarily behave in this way. Hold firm. You must keep all channels of communication open so that when he's passed through this turbulent phase, you will be there to pick him up again. He sounds a bit like my son, who was a real hot head and volcano between 13 to 16. A right handful. Now he is 24 and has actually turned in to a human being. Draw strength from your daughter, who will be able to nourish you as a mother. Dig deep. Being a parent is not easy, but your situation is very upsetting, isn't it. Your son is lucky to have a mum like you, who cares do much about him that you are hanging in there for him, until the confusion of adolescence leaves him. He needs you. If things get too bad, we could all come round for a forum glass of wine to help you through! 2 Quote
LKeyteach Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Lashes I could almost have written this myself. Everyone here will help support you and you have neither failed nor done anything wrong. It is quite likely that at some stage your son will suddenly see what he is missing in not having you by his side and he may even feel ashamed of how he has treated you. Please keep the door open. Txt him goodnight or once a week or month a catch up of who said what to who and when he feels ready to return he won't feel like he has missed out on anything. But it is also important you don't miss out. Go to events let them laugh, your friends will protect you. This in no way shows your lack of skill in your professional life in fact it will make you stronger in understanding relationships and how they can become mishapened. My son walked out and was out of my life for 3 years I cannot tell you how much that hurt and does still. I have 3 years birthday presents stored away for when our relationship becomes strong enough to talk about what happened and why. He is now back and we talk and have family meals but it is taking time. I am sure it will for too. Be brave, be strong and keep caring. 5 Quote
Froglet Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Oh Lashes, I have nothing to add to the comments above except to say I think you're wonderful and am sending virtual hugs too. Essex isn't that far - if you ever wanted to meet half way for a real hug I'd be there! 2 Quote
Fredbear Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Oh Lashes2508, we may have all questioned at times are we a good mother, let's be honest it's a complete roller coaster and learning curve. Each experience new and unique for us to navigate through. Being thirteen can be a difficult age for some too, so he will almost certainly be going through many changes. Try to stay strong, enjoy your daughter too, in the hope that he will pass through this stage and rekindle his relationship with you in the future. Sending you a virtual hug, my dear forum friend. Fx 1 Quote
Melba Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Have you discussed this with his school? It does sound like he may need some neutral counselling and they might be able to offer that. If his father is influencing him to the extent that he is acting this way I would be quite concerned about his mental health in that situation. 1 Quote
Guest Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 Gosh, no words of comfort could possibly be enough. As said by others, parenting is such a tough job, and the toughest part of all is letting our children go their own way, whether their first day at school, emigrating or allowing them to take themselves out of our lives. It doesn't matter how old a child is, they still need to know that you love them and they are always welcome, so please keep some kind of contact open, and try to take care of yourself too. Quote
narnia Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Keep doors and communication levels open. Right now, he and his dad are being 'lads' together. It's all a laugh and dad might be more realxed about what your son is being allowed to do......................great when you're 13 and still impressionable. Dad will be trying to make up for lost time. One day, sooner or later, your son will start to realise that he needs his mum. be ready with open arms ..............because he's going to need that hug. Right now,though you need to concentrate on YOU. Get some good friends around you, get some exercise and put on music that cheers your soul. Good luck xx 3 Quote
hali Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 hugs and kisses to you - we will come back to you just keep all doors and communication lines open xxxx Quote
Beau Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 My sister had custody of her son but he regularly stayed with his dad. Over time the dad told him all sorts of lies about why they had split up and what my sister was like. She never responded to this or tried to turn her son against his father. By the time her son reached 18 he had an extremely low opinion of her and treated her very poorly. One mothers day he got a card, ripped it up in front her her and said he wished she wasn't his mother. Eventually he matured and was more open to listening to her and she told him the truth. Over several years they rebuilt their relationship. This mothers day he bought her a large bunch of flowers and took her out for a meal. Don't lose hope that one day your son might return to you. 7 Quote
HappyMaz Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 I don't have any other advice - you've been offered so much already. However I have signposted people to a parenting charity who can help with advice and support when families experience difficulties like the one you're facing. They are impartial, non-judgmental and sometimes it helps to discuss things with someone who doesn't know you. If you're interested, here's the link:- http://www.familylives.org.uk/ Don't ever think you've failed your son - this is not your fault at all. Sending virtual hugs to go with all the others. xx 2 Quote
MegaMum Posted March 29, 2015 Posted March 29, 2015 My husbands son has done the same thing to him and I know how painful this is as I watch him go through it. The influence of the other parent can be so vindictive, I just wish they knew the impact it not only has on the other parent, but ultimately the child. I agree with some of the others... Keep the door open, text as if nothing is wrong and talk to him when you see him. Very painful time for you, Remain positive as I am a firm believer in the mind influencing what happens. I hope this situation resolves itself very soon for you all. 1 Quote
lashes2508 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Sorry for not replying earlier , your posts just made me cry but it was much needed. I have continued contact throughout with texts and voicemails just to let him know I miss and love him. The sad thing about it all is that I never chose to be a parent who used their children as pawns , I always made sure my children had as much access as possible to their fathers no matter what and never slated them off . My son was such a loving boy , he was never embarrassed to cuddle me or tell me he loved me in public. He started to have some real issues at school and received some counselling, at one point both him and myself were concerned for his mental health ( this is apparent in my family) , he came home for a week then , having fallen out with his dad, but I think he feels guilty when he is not with him, dads marriage broke up suddenly and since then my son started to show negative feelings against women. His father has just emphasised that he is his friend not his parent . I will continue to keep contact at least one way and hope and pray that one day he will want me back in his life. Quote
lashes2508 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Forgot to say thankyou for all your support. Kind words, virtual hugs , own experiences and everything , taking time to read and comment xxxx Quote
sunnyday Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Forgot to say thankyou for all your support. Kind words, virtual hugs , own experiences and everything , taking time to read and comment xxxx Bless you - we are always here for you x 1 Quote
Panders Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Ahh Lashes - things will work out eventually - young people get fed up with negativity - here's to your positive texts and e mails! 1 Quote
LKeyteach Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 That's the spirit! Keep positive. We are all here with words of support, virtual hugs and the virtual ? or two. 1 Quote
lashes2508 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Good news - just text my boy and he said he not well, so suggested did he want to come home and let mummy look after him ? He said yes so fingers crossed , I am picking him up and have duvet day tomorrow 8 Quote
Fredbear Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Ah that's fantastic news, hope you snuggle in and have a lovely time together. Hug Fx 1 Quote
Rea Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 When my son was ill, I bought him a colouring book and crayons/pencils. It made him laugh but he sat in bed colouring in all day. He was about 16 at the time. You might be able to have a giggle together Hope everything turns out fabulously :1b :1b 1 Quote
lashes2508 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Posted March 31, 2015 Okay so it didn't happen today but he called me and he sounds so poorly so rescheduled for tomorrow so not all bad - good things cone to those that wait ! 4 Quote
Fredbear Posted March 31, 2015 Posted March 31, 2015 Ah that's a shame, but at least your in contact with him now, so let's hope you can keep this going. Fx 2 Quote
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