Needed Somewhere To Share My Thoughts

[Guest]

Hi,

Sitting at home on my own after an awful couple of days and just needed to share my thoughts with people who will understand. My ex husband has been getting progressively more unwell and had a kidney and pancreas transplant in 2002 but then developed severe complications and has never been well since. His new kidney packed up a couple of yrs ago and he has dialysis in the local hospital which is an hours drive away. He goes by ambulance three times a week. He sees our daughters on a Sunday for about 4 hours and they usually have very simple food as he is unable to stand and cook much else. However the dialysis is not working well and he is getting progressively more unwell.

 

This Sunday for the first time ever he rang and said he was too unwell to see the girls and asked that they didn't visit him. They were understandably upset and very worried about him. Then he said that tomorrow he is being admitted to hospital when they hope to operate on his leg to be able to put in a semi permanent line for his dialysis as the other sites are now unusable. However he has been warned that this operation is very risky and that if it works ok he may need to have his lower leg amputated in a few months as this operation will restrict the blood flow to his leg. I have told the girls that he is going into hospital tomorrow but obviously not explained what the consequences could be,

My younger daughter who is 9 has spent part of Sunday, yesterday and most of today in floods of tears and is very worried about him. The older one is 11 and has a severe inner ear infection and so is off school, in pain and on antibiotics. She showed me her d-s tonight where she has written how orried she is about her dad and how much she loves him. My younger daughter came into my clasroom after school in floods of tears about her dad and i couldn't help her as I had to deal with 2 parents and talk about an incident that happened at break so now I feel like the worst mum ever because I couldn't stop and hug my own daughter.

 

I feel so alone and so scared about it all sorry to write all this but I hoped it would help to share it instead I am sitting here sobbing and feeling so scared incase he dies in the operating theatre, has to have his leg removed etc and we are not even still married so I'm not meant to care. I am so scared about what to tellt he girls and how to deal with everything. The girls have a nurse who comes to see them once every 6-8 weeks who talks about their fears etc but she is busy for the next 2 weeks and I don't know what to do. I'm not even meant to feel like this after the way he hurt me.

School is such hard work at the moment as it feels so tense everywhere and the head and deputy aren't well and are shouting and snapping at everyone, we thought the head was going to pass out this morning and there is so much tension in the school so that's not an escape from all of this.

 

Sorry

Nicky Sussex

[Guest lilpil]

So sorry you are having such a bad time, my heart goes out to you. One thing I did pick up from reading your post is your feeling a 'bad mum', please, please do not think this you sound a very caring, considerate lady who has a great deal on her plate at the moment and are in no way a bad mum.

[Cait]

Oh goodness! what an incredible catalogue of awfulness!!! Where does it say that just because he hurt you you shouldn't care? Of course you care, this man is the father of your children and as such holds their happiness in his keeping too!

 

I imagine that either of these things on their own would be enough to make anyone want to bury their head - both of them together is awful!

 

I don't know what else I can say - I know that nothing I can say will make anything better, and I wish I had a magic wand to wave, but I'm afraid I don't, so all I can do is send you virtual hugs and let you know we're all thinking about you. Please know that we're here when you need us.

[Guest]

Hello

I don't think that I can offer you any advice as I have never been in a position like yours. BUT I think that you must be great mum to be able to empathise with your daughters and your ex husband and just because you're not married anymore doesn't necesarliy mean that you don't have to care. There was obviously a bond once and now this remains through your girls who you both love very much. I hope that you find resolution. Whereabouts in Sussex are you? Close to Lewes? East West? Mid?

[hali]

oh Nikkie how awful - i am so sorry -please dont think you are a bad mum as you are not! all i can say is try to be as honest as you can with your children.

please take good care of yourself and your girls - and give each other lots of hugs and kisses xxxxx

[blondie]

oh nicky -sorry to hear your news - it must be such a worry for you all - is there anyone that the hospital can put you in touch with to talk to or even a charity that is linked to your exhusbands illness that might be able to help / support you at this difficult time .

as others have said he may not be your husband now but he is the father of your children and has been a big part of your life for a long time so yuo are bound to feel something

keep in touch with everyone we are always here for you

[Guest]

At times like this words seem so insignificant and yet you feel you need to express something.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation and want to let you know that you are in no way a bad mum. The trouble with life is that there are so many things getting in the way of living. You are supporting and loving your girls and their dad and you will cope with whatever comes your way because of that love. I will hope and pray that it is good outcome and that your girls will soon be enjoying Sunday's with their dad. Keep your chin up and I hope that knowing we are here sending good thoughts and wishes your way helps you in some small way and makes you feel a little less alone. I wish I could do more but will keep you and your family in my heart!!

[Guest]

Thinking of you and your children - hope all improves for you soon.

[Guest]

Oh Nicky!

 

I have friends who've been where you are and I'll give you the same advice I gave her... here comes the "tough love!"

 

STOP beating yourself up.

 

You are NOT a bad mum - you're a warm, loving caring person which is why you're so upset.

 

You're trying to do too much.

 

You and your daughters need time together to deal with what life is throwing at you. School will go on without you.

 

When I finally "persuaded" (nagged!) my friend into talking to her GP he was horrified at what she was trying to deal with - a full time teaching job, 3 children, ill husband.... sound familiar?! He immediately signed her off before she cracked under the strain and took the family with her!

 

I know the specialist nurses are in great demand but perhaps a request from your GP would help? Our friends were told to always be upfront and honest. Sometimes what our children can imagine is worse than the reality although, unfortunately, that's hard to believe in their Dad's case.

 

Try not to "borrow" trouble. Sometimes miracles do happen and the op may not be as bad as you fear. The operation won't go ahead unless he's well enough for it. There are risks with every procedure which patients have to be made aware of and there are always "if's, may, maybe" I, and others, will be praying for you all tomorrow and hoping for the best outcome in the circumstances.

 

Hope it helps to know we're all thinking of you,

 

Take Care,

 

Nona X

[Guest]

you poor thing, this life really does hurt sometimes, you will find the strength to support your girls and deal with what the next turn of events come your way, i'm sorry i haven't got a magic wand and loads of advise but my positive thoughts are with you xxx

[JacquieL]

I'm so sorry you have all these worries on your shoulders Nicky. I think the first thing you need to do now is go and talk to your Dr. and get him to sign you off for a while to give you time to concentrate on yourself and your family. Worries about school wont be helping you. You are caring and conscientious and feel the responsibility to your school, but now is the time to put it at the back of your mind. They will go on without you. Take one day at a time, be honest and factual with your children in terms they can understand, and if their usual nurse is not available for them can she suggest someone they can talk to as an alternative?

Lots of hugs, love and prayers for you all.

[HappyMaz]

Great advice from Jacquie, and I echo what everyone has said about your being a fantastic, loving mum who cares very much for her children.

 

Have you actually spoken to the nurse who supports your children? Even if she isn't available, I'm sure there must be some mechanism for ensuring the support they (and you) so badly need right now is delivered.

 

I hope you don't feel quite so alone after having shared with us - you're going through a nightmare time right now and you deserve as much love and support as you can muster from wherever you can get it.

 

Take care of yourself, and I hope that your ex-husband makes good progress and that your worst worries are not confirmed.

 

Love

Maz

[Rea]

Can I echo the last few posts? See your GP and take a break from work. You really do sound like you need a space to catch your breath, talk to your girls and just take stock.

You're not a bad a mom for caring for so many people. Nona's right, dont borrow trouble, Hope everything turns out better than you fear. xx

[dublinbay]

Nicky you are a wonderful mum to want to protect your girls and you're a wonderful person for wanting to help your ex-husband even though he hurt you in the past.

 

I would try to tell the girls as much as you think they can handle. My daughter reminds me occasionally that I didn't talk about when my parents' were very ill and she scared herself imagining all sorts of things.

 

I agree with everyone else that you should see your GP and take some family time off. School can manage without you and will still be there when you get back.

 

Family is always more important.

 

Many, many hugs to you and your girls.

[eyfs1966]

Nicky, my thoughts are with both you and your family. Never feel afraid to ask for help, it is not a sign of weakness, rather a true sign of just how much you care for your kids. Sadly we can't protect them from the sadnesses and cruelties of life, but we can fight to help them through. There should be some sort of family support services available to you. Start at the GP and follow up any leads you can. Sorry I can't help you, but I do send you virtual hugs!!!

[Guest]

Just sending a hug. Take care of yourself.

[Stargrower]

I can't add anything to the good advice already given. I hope things improve for you, your girls and their dad. Please don't try to deal with it on your own - be brave and ask for help. Let us all know how you are all getting on.

Lots of love

Beehive

[Guest]

Hi Nicky, wondered how you are today?

 

I spoke to my friend about you and she suggested you contact the Kidney Patient Association (Google will find you one in your area) They may be able to provide immediate advice and support to you and your daughters until the usual system catches up! Apparently the KPA can put you in touch with local families who have experienced what you are going through. It may help to talk it through with someone who can really relate to the situation?!

 

Please take care of yourself and your daughters - and be kind to yourself

 

Nona X

[Guest]

Hi Nicky

 

So sorry to read your really sad news. I would echo many of the suggestions made by others - don't beat yourself up about anything, consider yourself, you're a brilliant mum and a caring person. Take care of yourself and take a break from work and all its issues - priorities are always family in the end.

 

Love and prayers, Nicky.

 

Lesleyxx

[Guest]

Really sorry to read about your situation.

 

Sending you lots of virtual hugs. ((( )))

[sunnyday]

Dear Nicky - my heart is breaking for you

 

This is all too much for you to bear on your own, please as others have already suggested, ask for help.

 

Just a little tale - my sister-in-law has been going through an awful time, starting with a house fire in November - then just loads of the everyday rubbish that life deals us from time to time, she works for a government department and is only 8 weeks of retirement, they have been truly horrible to her, for some reason making her life as tough as possible - last week one of her sons had a truly dreadful accident at work - I won't bore you with all the details, but he could lose his eye or best outcome lose the sight but keep the eye..........I have been trying to support her as best I can but have really been watching this tough lady crumble before my eyes.....she finally went to her GP after her son's accident, but only because she had awful earache - dr. could find nothing wrong with her ears .......she burst into tears there and then (not her at all).......luckily he is obviously a very skilled man and wanted to know what was going on in her life........he had also noticed that her hands and legs were shaking...........so he has signed her off work for 4 weeks with 'stress' and said that she should go back to him at the end of that time and that unless he is convinced that she has truly recovered he will sign her off for another 4 weeks (she would retire then).......my point is - she would never have gone to him to ask for this.....and she should have done.......

 

You, your husband and daughters will be in my prayers.........

[Panders]

Hi Nicky,

 

Can I say I'm not surprised you still feel this connection with your ex - he has proved himself to care deeply about the welfare of his children and you care deeply about them too - so I shouldn't question why you feel the way you do about him. I divorced my first husband of 4 years some 30 years ago, but I would still be very concerned if I heard he was having health difficulties of the nature you describe - you can't just switch off your feelings.

 

I sincerely hope you take everyone's advice on here and get some GP advice for yourself - you need to keep as healthy as possible so that you can be the kind of caring supportive parent and friend you want to be - that won't happen if you find yourself in the depths of stress related illness.

 

Now is the time to put your family and yourself first. Although we may feel guilty about work colleagues - there will be strategies in place to help the school out if that is needed.

 

There will obviously be low days and high days ahead and my thoughts will be with you as you take up this struggle, you will be able to do it Nicky, just take one day at a time - one part of a day at a time when it's a truly awful day.

 

Hope you have your own parents or your ex's parents around that can help you all along too. sending you lots of virtual hugs Nicky

[Beau]

Nicky,

 

I have nothing new to add but just wanted to add my message of support to all the others. Your post brought tears to my eyes, you have certainly been struggling with an awful lot of stress and anxiety. Trying to bear this by yourself must be so hard. There has been some fantastic advice given here, I do hope that you find help and comfort from the postings. Take care of yourself. xx

[Guest]

I just wanted to add my support Nicky; things must be so tough on you at the moment. I hope today had a good outcome, but please please please whatever it was do get yourself to your GP to be signed off. I know how awful it feels to even take one day off sick, but you need to put yourself and your daughters first right now. They obviously need you and you obviously want to be there for them more than anything and you really don't need the added stress that your work is piling on you right now.

 

I'd also say do be as honest as you can with them. Even now I'm grown up I still worry myself sick about my parent's health when I feel they're hiding something from me. The situation does sound awful and I know you might not want to scare them but even just sitting down and having a good chat about what is going on and what the outcomes might be could really help them to get things off their chest and keep worries more manageable for them. The poor things must be feeling terrible, I know how I'd feel if it happened now so I can't imagine what they must be going through.

 

Please do take care of yourself and I hope everything turns out well x

[Guest]

Nicky, lots of kind words already said and I just want to add to the numbers of support for you....what a difficult time for you, eveything is falling on your shoulders...all the virtual love in the world comes to you....keep sharing and using us all to support you ....

[Guest]

Hi,

just wanted to update you all since my very stressed post a few weeks ago. Well my ex-husband went into hospital and survived the operation but 4 1/2 weeks later is still in hospital as the wound isn't healing and has now re-opened and has an infection. They are talking about possibly re-operating as there is a lot of dead flesh and infection near the wound but at the same time they are reluctant to operate on an infection. He is barely able to walk and the hospital finally seem to be taking on board that he lives alone, with no carer and so needs to be able to move around when he is discharged. We took the girls to visit but the older one who's 11 was adamant that she wasn't goign to see him and I decided that forcing her would only increase her concern etc and so she and my husband stayed in hospital coffee shop while younger daughter nad i visited. He looked awful and was walking with a zimmer frame and then only a few steps but younger daughter was pleased to see him. However since then we have had tears every day about how much she is missing hima nd how worried she is about him. The girls have a nurse who visits at home every 6 weeks and she came a couple of days after the visit so that gave them space to talk but when talking to us she agreed that it's a lot for them to deal with at the moment.

I carried on until half term but have had a flare up of an infection I had in my leg in Sept/Oct which took 6 weeks to heal last time. Got antibiotics at first sign of it and they have helped but I have got increasingly stressed this week and quite panicky at the thought of school next week. Saw my GP today who said leg looks a lot better but felt I should rest it next week and so am signed off. Feeling awful about that as I feel I am letting the school and especialy my class down but at same time relieved to have a weeks space. I am beginning to feel I should just resign from my job and that would cut my stress levels a lot but we need the income from my job to live on and when I did supply teaching for a while I hated it. So just feel very torn and wiped out at the moment.

thanky ou all for your support and words of advice, I really do appreciate them even if I am my own worst enemy and try to keep going and be there for everyone else except thinking of me.

 

Nicky Sussex

[HappyMaz]

I am my own worst enemy and try to keep going and be there for everyone else except thinking of me.

Nicky you're doing what you are programmed to do - protect the ones you love. I hope the week off will give you a bit of space and hopefully some time for yourself.

 

Hope your leg gets better soon and that your ex-husband's recovery progresses well. I know how difficult it is to be a child whose parent is very poorly - your love and support for your girls is the greatest gift you can give at the moment. Just try not to overlook your own needs - you're important too!

 

Maz x

[Cait]

Wise words from Maz, as usual. Try and find some 'me' time if you can to de-stress. We're all still thinking about you

[Rea]

Have you shared all of this at school with your head?

We dont like the idea of letting people down, but the worry of letting them down is just one more worry to carry round.

I havent been to hospital on my volunteering service since before christmas, I've been taking care of my father in law, shopping, making meals, and taking him for hosptial visits. But now we've been told he has cancer so I went in last week to say goodbye and had a good long chat with the ward manager who told me not to pack it all but to take time to do what I need to do.

As a volunteer the expectations on me are different but honestly, telling her removed the stress of guilt at the thought of letting someone down.

I hope you everything turns out well and things go as smoothly as possible. Take care

[JacquieL]

If your Dr. signs you off then take that chance for a break from work to concentrate on what you need to put first, yourself and your family. A person can only cope with so much and your Dr. will recognise that and can support you in putting your job on hold. Don't make decisions such as giving up work, because now is not the time to make a decision like that, even if you feel it will help in the short-term. In the long term it will only add to your stress as money then becomes a worry as well, so it isn't a solution.

You will come out on the other side of all this and so will your girls, even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment. Lots of love from me Nicky.