Sad

[narnia]

One of the children who left my setting for school in September is having a really hard time...........he is a lovely little chap. His parents are rather clueless the child , let's call him Barry for ease of telling the tale, is often still out playing in his garden late at night, or running around in his bedroom until 1 AM...........howver, I had no problems with his behaviour, though he did seem to have hearing issues ( asked mum to take him for hearing tests three times, which she always said she had done and always came back clear). Anyway, there were some home issues, such as the erratic bedtimes and people who live either side told me that they hear both parents screaming and using abusive language at the child ( he is apparantly no stranger to the C word etc). He ONCE had the temerity to call me a 'silly cow', in front of his dad as well, and which I firmly stomped on, telling him that i didn't like it and that it wasn't nice or kind to say things like that. ( On his first visit to us, his father collected him and 'Barry' ran up to the gate....his dad said 'come back here you little bas&*&$) and I told him we don't expect to hear language like that again.....so he apologised ).

Anyway, during ourtransition chats, I explained to the two reception teachers that Barry seems to have a slightly chaotic home life and that he always behaves well, but that I am told his parents use a lot of bad language with him..........BUT that I have only ever had one incident of him being rude...........the 'silly cow'.....and one of the teachers immediately went all Hyacinth Bucket on me, saying that was intolerable etc. I thought I had calmed it by saying it wa sa one off and that he had never spoken to me like that again, nor had I heard him speak to anyone else like it.

So.......please bear with me...........he starts school in September...........and Hyacinth seems to have had it in for him from day 1 ( barry still comes to us for breakfast club and after school care by the way!)........he is often on the BLACK cloud.............'he called out at register'.....he didn't finish his fruit at snack' he doesn't do good listening ( oh and BTW, Hyacinth's child comes to us as well, he has speech and language problems, eating issues...........which resolve if mummy only packs chocolatey things in his lunch box!), so I see her too on an almos daily basis)...........anyway, on Thursday, several of the after school children told me that Barry had run away from school whilst they were going to nativity play rehearsal in the church ( rehearsal: twice a day for the last three weeks!)...........so when Hyacinth came to collect her child, I just asked what had happened to Barry today, and said wht the other children had told me..............she said, no, he hadn't actually run away, but he had seriously misbehaved in the church which was unacceptable........he had then climbed up into the pulpit ( it's a small church and his role as an angel had involved him standing next to the pulpit.............) ( and the narrator and others go into the pulpit to be seen and heard). She said it was MY fault, as 'this setting is quite small and he's not used to being with lots of children and you're quite laid back, s he's not used to firm boundaries'!!!!!!!!!! Guilty as charged m'lud.............I said that we'r firm where we need to be, as she knows..........and that I have never had a problem with this child......we go off for walks and out onto the park to play and he always does as he is asked etc. So she said she thought he needed a 1:1 with him and she would have to see what could be done, and she had left a message on his mum's answerphone asking her to bring him to school personally the next morning. She then said she shouldn't discuss this any further with me as it wasn't professional.

Yesterday morning, Barry's mum appeared at the door, a sobbing mess. Barry apparantly, was 'not allowed' to attend the evening (6.30) performance of the nativity, as Hyacinth had told her they didn't have anyone to make sure Barry behaved. I asked if mum had spoken to the head teacher and she told me that Hyacinth said it had been dicussed and Barry is just not allowed to go. She then told me that Hyacinth has said he should not come to our setting any more as he is picking up bad habits'.She also said that I was supposed to give her a message that she had to take Barry into school herself on Friday?? ( I explained that no, Hyacinth had told me she'd left a message on the answerphone)Yesterday afternoon, another parent came to collect her child after the 2.30 performance of the nativity and how sad it was to see bary, all dressed up in his nagel outfit, and sitting in the pew with a TA and not joining in. Apparantly, all the angels had trooped up the aisle and back again twirled round and sang a carol..........................and barry had not been allowed to move from his seat until the very end of the performance when the parental 'photo opportunity' had happened. Inclusive practice???? Really??

It's beyond sad and I really believe this teacher is picking on him........................can I do anything??

Peace on Earth, Goodwill to man............................unless you are a 4 year old angel'

[Stargrower]

That's the saddest Christmas story I ever read. I need tissues! Poor Barry and his parents. I don't really have any advice to offer except to say keep your cool with Hyacinth, in Barry's interests. Maybe go and see the head yourself - as Barry still attends your setting, I think you're 'entitled' to discuss the situation? I guess the things that jump out are the schools inclusion policy, behaviour policy and whether there are safeguarding concerns over Barry's care. Hope someone more helpful comes along soon...

[finleysmaid]

How sad for everyone but especially for 'barry'

How good is your relationship with the school? I think i would be going to have a chat with the headteacher (she may not be aware of everything) and express your concerns about the way he is developing (rather than the way they are handling it!)

Have to say having read your post i do also think that he may be the victim of domestic violence .....has this ever been investigated? His family certainly need help and he needs some rules and boundaries ....but he's been able to follow these with you so he should be able to follow them at school too. This is really an unacceptable way for hyacinth to behave but it will only be her boss who can change that, in order to put in a 1-1 they should have a process to go through which should be based on fact .

How is he behaving with you at the clubs?

[sunnyday]

Oh narnia poor little soul.......can't think of anything more useful to add - agree with Stargrower and fm - I think that you have every right to approach the Headteacher.......

I'm going to be worrying along with you now and I don't even know him......

[Cait]

Totally echo everything Sunnyday has said, there.

 

Did you have any Social Service involvement about your concerns when he was with you?

[louby loo]

I'd like to think this is a 'one off', sadly it's not .

We are hearing a very similar story about a little chap that left us this year. He did have various agencies involved already, but the school really didn't want to take on board any strategies advice from us. He is now facing similar exclusions to 'barry' - it makes my blood boil quite frankly.

[Melba]

Am I understanding correctly that Hyacinth thinks you are ok for her child but not the other one?!!!

That speaks volumes if so.

[Rafa]

Sadly Narnia in my experience all the spout about : Unique Child....Every Child Matters.....Mind The Chasm - sorry Gap, goes flying out of the window in transition for some schools.......seems their ethos is 'If you don't fit the mould, your out in the cold! Grrrrr.....

[lashes2508]

How very sad and to be honest has got my blood boiling and it's not just the fever I'm suffering ! This is blatant bullying by an adult and is a breach of the convention of a child's rights. This poor child vulnerable child who behaves for you because you use the right approach to get the best from him, he respects the boundaries you put in place and you respect him as he respects you.

 

I would definitely speak to the head and write down all that has been said , get the children centre outreach workers involved with the family if possible and then corner Hyacinth in a dark alley .... Ok that not helpful but we would not accept another child doing this so why should someone who is in a position of educating children be allowed to say and do what she does.

She has obviously as you say Narnia made her mind up before even getting to know this child , what happened to nurturing , respect and patience. Someone in her position should have worked with all types of characters and be giving support and strategies to him and his family.

This poor little lad's self esteem is probably zero and possibly behaves the way he does with her because he feels worthless , ' she's got in for me so why not let her have it "

 

 

 

Argh! Argh!

[Guest]

I'm with lashes. That read has made me angry and my heart ache at the same time. Sounds like someone isn't used to working with children from a background other than her own and I think you need to speak to the head about it.

 

That poor child. His potential is going to waste because he doesn't conform to her expectations

[Guest]

My blood is boiling, why do people like Hyacinth go into teaching? As for the behaviour in the church, it sounds as if it could have been far worse, I can completely see why he would want to go into the pulpit if he'd seen others in there. He'd probably been sitting still forever during the rehearsal and desperately needed to move. I think in our quest for a wonderful "production" we often forget about children's needs at this time of year.

I wonder if Barry's mum would give you permission to contact the local Parent Partnership service to fill them in on what's happened and they could go with her to a meeting with the Headteacher. I would imagine the school are blatantly breaking their inclusion and behaviour policy which no doubt goes into great detail about what an understanding school they are.This might be more effective than you going to see the Headteacher as they could get out of discussing anything with you due to "confidentiality" issues. If that doesn't work, maybe try the School Governors or Local Authority.

I wonder what "reasonable adjustments" Hyacinth has made or what she's put in place to support Barry, given what the EYFS clearly tells us about meeting the Unique Child's needs.

As has already been said, there seem to be safeguarding concerns and of course Barry's going to swear if this in "the norm" at home. Does he have siblings at the school, are there concerns about them? If neighbours have heard things, have they reported them if they're concerned?

Poor Barry but how lucky he is that he's got someone like you to care.

 

[eyfs1966]

I may be mistaken, but I seem to recall that you have had a run in with Hyacinth before????????? I think a complaint to the school governors may be in order here...

[Upsy Daisy]

Whilst not condoning the parents' unpleasant language or 'Hyacinth's' intolerant attitude, I have to wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye.

What you've described could be a child with undiagnosed autism.

You could attribute him running round his bedroom late into the night to an inability to fall asleep (very common in children with autism) and his parents' screaming at him to their frustration and their own sleep deprivation.

It could be that his behaviour was better with you because he copes better in a smaller group with more familiar faces and routines, possibly also because you flexibility allowed him to meet his own needs by moving to different activities.

Could climbing into the pulpit been lack of understanding of the social rules about being in church, rather than bad behaviour?

If he does have autism, it sounds like he desperately needs an assessment so that the professionals involved can make recommendations which are clearly badly needed to improve his school experience.

I may very well be far wide of the mark but I think it's worth considering. If you do feel it's worth exploring further, are you in a position to suggest that the parents visit the GP or that the school asks for a visit from the autism outreach service?

[Guest]

I had a Barry two years ago. End of year performance, tiny school, everyone worried about how Barry will behave. BUT a huge difference in how it was handled. We chatted to mum about how his behaviour hadn't been as great as we had hoped in rehearsals but we were aware how boring these could be, etc, and asked who would be attending which performances of the show. Turned out someone form family was coming to both performances, so we just asked if we could seat them near the end of a row and then if 'Barry' started to find it all too much, I could bring him to sit with family for a little bit.

In the end he was so beautifully behaved and beamed with delight at joining in with the rest of the school - he brought more than one tear to my eye.

And thinking about it I had another in my first reception class. He spent some of the nativity sat on the stage on my lap and some in the audience with mum. Mum so pleased he'd even tried to take part, and I was so proud of the singing he did complete on stage.

Sorry that wasn't helpful to the current situation, but at least an example of how even some of our more 'challenging' little ones can participate and benefit from doing so. Btw My two did have pending diagnoses but we would have reacted the same way regardless.