Sensitive Off Topic Thread About Hormones

[Hello Kitty]

I'm not sure I'll get any replies but everyone here is so lovely and I am kind of hoping to get some support from someone who may have been/know somebody who has been in my position. Even as I write this I'm thinking I shouldn't as no replies will probably make me feel worse

 

The basic problem is I'm hormonal - that's the top and bottom of it. My moods swing drastically and I cry - I mean really cry - can't control it cry - for no reason at all.

 

The background is that at 42 I have 2 girls aged 16 and 7 and lost a baby at 11 weeks just before Christmas last year and another one at 5 weeks last month. Before we had our first I had 4 early miscarriages that weren't planned and whilst they were sad, we were young and in a small way relieved. That sounds so callous when I write it down When we decided to have children we fell for the girls and the baby last year within 2 months of trying and planned the big gapes It then took from that loss in December to September to fall again which hit me really hard after falling so easily before. So of course we were so happy to get a positive test last month only to have it all go wrong so quickly.

After the mc last year I just assumed we'd fall again quickly and would have another baby by now. I'm finding it so hard to deal with and I don't know why. I've resigned myself to the fact that at my age it's highly likely not to happen and i have 2 lovely healthy children to be thankful.

I have spent today just crying and crying for no reason at all - it's ridiculous! I am dreading Christmas as it will be the anniversary of the loss on 23rd December and I'm upset just thinking that so what on earth will I be like then??

 

I'm sorry for long post - has anyone been here? How do I get past this?

 

It doesn't help being around pregnant women all day as our preschool seems to be having a baby boom! And we're next to the midwives at a children's centre!!

[hali]

oh bless you my heart goes out to you - i am so sorry but can only say try to enjoy what you have - not much help probably bug lots of hugs and kisses to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Hello Kitty]

Thank you Hali. I feel such an idiot I really do

[Cait]

Goodness, what a sad post and all I can do is send you a big hug. I've not been there, I've been 'lucky' like you falling pregnant easily for my two planned pregnancies and as that was all we intended to have, that's all we had.

 

I cannot even begin to understand the grief of losing a pregnancy, especially, as you say, we are surrounded by successful pregnancies day in and day out - and the world seems to be full of pregnant women at the moment too!

 

I'm not surprised you feel hormonal - what has your GP suggested? I know that one of my 'Mums' has something which is seratonin based at night - which I can find out for you if you want - and that gives her brain some happy natural chemicals so she can sleep (she lost her pregnancy in August) and being able to get a decent night's sleep really helps her through the day. Yes, she's still tearful, but she says it helps hugely.

 

The anniversary of any death is always painful, and it doesn't get easier year by year because you think of what the child would be doing 'now'. (My husband's parents lost a newborn who was anencephalic and they still say things like 'she'd be 40 now!) That doesn't help you now, I know, but hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone with your feelings, that millions of women feel just the same and it's entirely natural. If your GP isn't supporting you, have a look to see if you can find an NLP coach in your area who will talk you through your feelings and help you come to terms with them.

 

HUGE hugs

[HappyMaz]

Hello Kitty what an incredibly moving post.

 

You don't mention whether you have seen your doctor recently, but I really think you should make an emergency appointment. What you're going through is agony and you shouldn't have to go through it alone.

 

I really hope you get some support to help you through the next few weeks.

 

Take care,

Maz

[Gezabel]

HI

Just want to send you a huge hug and say you are absolutely NOT an idiot in any way. It takes guts to post such a personal message and you have my respect and admiration for doing so. THe loss of a baby at any stage of pregnancy is just too awful to describe. Thankfully I only suffered it once and my heart goes out to you for going through this more than once.

 

I really don't know what sort of constructive or helpful advice I can offer but hope that a virutal hug and positive vibes might help in some way

Take care and dont be too hard on yourself

[Hello Kitty]

Thank you Cait

I have no problem sleeping - in fact probably sleep too much

Before we decided to have another one I had been diagnosed with Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder and also have migraines caused by the drop in oestrogen so I am really ruled by the little blighters those hormones :(

 

I think you may have go something there with NLP... I worry that I'm going to ruin Christmas for everyone with my mardiness and maybe that's why I'm becoming obsessed with it now. I literally well up everytime I think about it - even now.

I need to break the thinking don't I?

I was in Tesco this evening and suddenly this thought popped in my head 'I should be buying presents for my baby's first Christmas now' just out of the blue

[JacquieL]

Dear Kitty I have never been where you are now, but I just want you to know that we are here to listen when you need it, as I think we can all empathise with this sadness in your life. As others have said I think you need to go to your Dr. and tell him what you have told us, so that he can give you some experienced support and care. Don't cope with this alone.

Lots of hugs from me.

[Hello Kitty]

Sorry Maz and Geraldine I cross posted with you.

I haven't been to the GP - mostly because when I went when I was all happy and pregnant she was so negative about the high risk of my age and told me I wouldn't be allowed a home birth (rubbished by the midwife!) I did see a different GP when I was losing the baby who was lovely so I know they're not all like it but it put me of and I didn't even go after the loss last month.

I know I should but I just don't know what I expect them to do?

[Upsy Daisy]

I think you're very brave posting about what you're going through and I really feel that your next step needs to be going to see your GP. You sound really low which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances but the tone of you post makes me wonder if they may be able to do something to help you cope at this difficult time. When I suffered from depression I put it down to hormones so maybe you're doing the same thing.

 

Please don't feel like you need to get past this on your own. You deserve some proper support and you need to go and ask for it.

 

Please come back and let us know how you're getting on.

[Hello Kitty]

Thank you so much everybody. It's funny because over the years I've blamed depression when it was hormones but it does appear that it may have reversed!

 

I'm so sorry for posting here but as I said in the OP everyone here is so lovely and I just feel so in need of caring people. That sounds awful as my DH is very supportive but I don't know what I want him to do so he doesn't stand much chance really.

 

I will try to get an appointment next week... though I bet I feel fine Monday and will regret all this wallowing

[narnia]

I'm so sorry for your losses, it must be incredibly hard to cope with, especially when anniversaries loom. Have you tried contacting the SANDS and neonatal trust?? I know they do some incredible work and may be able to help you come to terms with what has happened? I know people will tell you that you already have two beautiful, healthy children, so be grateful for that, but the fact is, you've lost two much wanted children. It wasn't to be, but that doesn't make their loss any less valid, or your feelings any less real. Mourn them, grieve for them, always remember what might have been and then try to move forward. You may never have another child of your own, that's one of life's cruel tricks, but there IS a life out there for you to live. Time will make this easier to bear, but right now, you need help to get through it, so back to the GP who was lovely and give her/him the chance to help you to heal. How is your partner coping with it all?? Can you talk together about this?

[Guest]

Hi this may or may not help but recently on 'this morning' it was highlighted that repeated miscarriages could be caused by your immune system and it can be investigated by a very simple (and cheap) blood test and cured by a short course of steroids- in the case of the (older) actress highlighting the cause. (Sally Meen)

 

If memory serves me right she was older than you and went on to have a successful pregnancy, of which Philip Schofield was the godfather! Hope it rings a bell with someone and they can bring up a link as aparrantly it's a common m.c cause

 

It may be worth looking in to this (after finding a more sympathetic GP!)

 

I can't imagine what you are going through but I think they are perfectly 'normal' feelings - especially if you are 'governed' by hormones, please don't apologise, we feel we have to be endlessly strong and sometimes we just can't be.

Edited November 13, 2010 by gingerbreadman

[Hello Kitty]

Oooh I'm googling gingerbreadman!

 

Thanks again to you all. I hadn't thought of looking for support groups like SANDS I guess as they were so early on I feel a bit of a fraud

[Upsy Daisy]

Don't apologise for posting on here! If you do feel better by Monday that would be great but I still think you should go and see your GP.

 

It's funny how it's sometimes easier to communicate somewhere like this than with our nearest and dearest isn't it? It's lovely that you felt safe to post on here so please don't stop.

[Guest]

Oooh I'm googling gingerbreadman!

 

Thanks again to you all. I hadn't thought of looking for support groups like SANDS I guess as they were so early on I feel a bit of a fraud

 

You're not a fraud by any means! Google 'this morning miscarriage' and there is a list of support networks specifically for your situation on their website.

 

I hope you get the support you need, take care x

[Fredbear]

Oh sweetheart as a write this post all the emotions of personal experiences come flooding back, and sadly or not you never loose that feeling. But as previous posts have said a visit to a caring GP or Counsellor may help you work through this so that you can live your daily life with happiness with your lovely girls and other half.

I would certainly ask for advice on your hormonal levels, there are many products out there that may help you with this.

And finally the biggest virtual hug from me always feel free to come on here for more TLC. XXXXXXXX

[HoneyPancakes]

Dear Kitty,

 

I too am very sorry for your losses. You may have raging hormones pulling your moods one way and another - monthly and pregnancy - but have you considered that your reactions may be perfectly natural grief? If you had lost your babies at full term you would be supported by friends and families - cards of sympathy and casseroles on the doorstep, etc. But when a miscarriage happens many people do not know how to react and if in fact they should even mention 'women's business'. I lost my first baby and I was surprised at what a closed subject it was. Many had no experience of miscarriage and had little sympathy - I think as much because they didn't know there was a baby on the way so did not feel the loss themselves.

 

Christmas is a difficult time - many have said, but if you could find the strength to channel your grief you may pull through. You might use it as a time to nurture your surviving family and to remember quietly. Light special candles and take a moment when you light them. Go to church and light candles for each little pip, and say a prayer for them - and for yourself. A friend signs her Christmas cards with their names and the surviving children, and then a little star for her lost baby. Those who know remember the baby and those who don't know don't see anything out of the ordinary. And write lists for yourself so that you remember to remember in a positive way.

 

On the issue of conception, when we were trying for our second for longer than I had hoped, I joked to one of my parents who was working in family planning, that I wondered if he'd get me some ovulation predictor sticks. His response, 'Just keep bonking!'. And he was right.

 

All the very best to you,

 

Hoeny

[Scarlettangel]

Before saying anything else I am sending love and hugs to you.

 

I wanted to reiterate the last post really.......

 

I wondered if maybe how you are feeling is grief at your loss as much as hormones.

 

I haven't lost a baby, but I lost my Mum, and each year as the anniversary approaches I am sad, upset, tearful worrying about the anniversary and in fact for the last two years I have worried and cried so much in the days before that the day itself has come and gone calmly.

 

I think if you then add in a recent mc aswell as Christmas I believe how you are feeling is entirely normal.

 

I wish I could help or wave a magic wand for you.

 

A visit to a nice GP sounds a good idea even if it is just to talk freely and openly about how you ae feeling.

 

Thoughts are with you x

[sunnyday]

Bless you, I am so sorry for your losses.....

 

Lots of wonderful advice already - can't add to that I'm afraid.....

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself - you are grieving - it doesn't matter what stage of pregnancy you had reached.....

 

Take care and another huge hug for you x

[Guest]

Hi having suffered 2 MC's at 9 weeks and 5 weeks that we know of and 6 years of infertility treatment. I understand your grief and the hormones! Big style on the hormones having had a couple of years of injections 5 days a month.The second MC happened on the day of the nativity play and even now I flinch when its discussed and am tearful on the day. I remember getting very upset on the school photograph day when mums were bringing in babies for family photos. When I told the headteacher I couldn't supervise in the hall because it was upsetting me she was cross 'Why didn't you tell me you couldn't do it' You must seek help. I was verbally abused ( I can't think of any other way to describe it!) by a male Dr who just didn't understand where I was in term of grief, need to be pregnant and worthlessness. Thankfully I think there is more understanding among the medical profession and groups of women helping each other so you should be offered all the support you need IF you look for it. I could say a lot more and people who know do question me especially if they are suffering infertility. There is a little voice in side of me shouting just because it happened nearly 20 years ago doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. I usually say that what we went through in those gruelly 6 years made me the person I am today and that each soul that fluttered left part of itself with me. All the other emotions grief, anger, injustice......are also part of who I am today and that makes me sad but I accept it.

[Guest]

I'm typing this through tears! I've never experienced a miscarriage but my sister has had two. I was with her during the first and felt so useless as she went through what she did. She already had one son and loved him dearly but the overwhelming desire and need to have another never went away. She was rewarded with another son - 10 year age gap but he's kept us all on our toes! My daughter says if her auntie hadn't had the miscarriages we wouldn't be blessed with nephew/cousin we have!! Take care my love and hugs coming your way x x

[Susan]

I cant add anything that hasnt already been said but I do empathise, having been there myself---the miscarriages and the migraines.

 

Please be kind to yourself and get some professional help--you will be grieving bigtime at the moment for your very recent loss so I am not surprised that the thought of the approaching anniversary is affecting you.

 

Take care and big hugs.

[Rea]

Please dont feel like an idiot for posting about this. Sometimes its easier to tell people we dont know about our probelms and worries. To family and friends I was always 'fine thanks' when we lost our baby, but I cried every day for a year and after 10 years suddenly realised it didnt hurt so much. Its nearly 19 years ago but I still dont talk about it.

I was only 7 weeks pregnant, but in my head I'd cradled him, changed him, played with him, taken him places, listened to people tell me how beautiful he was. He was so much a part of me it was quite unbelievable when it all went wrong. I had a reptured ectopic and emergency surgery, received 5 pints of blood and woke up with staples in my stomach and no baby. It was the worse thing I can ever imagine experiencing.

Please see your GP, I was very lucky with mine, he was lovely and made sure hubby had a sicknote so he could stay at home with me.

You really arent alone in feeling the grief you feel, and after even a short pregnancy your hormones will change anyway and leave you tearful. Dont be hard on yourself.

Loads of love

[Hello Kitty]

Thank you all for your kind and as always wise words.

I am an emotional person so I don't know why I'm so surprised I feel this way! I will see the GP as soon as I can get an appointment and will see what they suggest. Probably just to let nature take its course but I do at least feel a little less mad and more like I'm going through normal feelings now so thank you ladies

x

[Guest]

Just wanted to add and echo my empathy and deepest sympathy to you...so sad and difficult for you and your family - lots of love coming your way...never worry about opening up and sharing your thoughts here, this is a wonderful supportive place to be and people here will always help you - many times I have logged on in tears about some of the things life has thrown my way over the last 4/5 years and shared other peoples bad times too....thats what life is all about - finding people who care, leaning on them when you need it and putting up your shoulder for support when others need it....we are all human..all the best of luck for your hopes and dreams...

[Hello Kitty]

Thanks Shirel

 

I just thought I'd share a book with you while we're on the topic. DD2 took it all quite badly - she was 6 and a half and so excited at the thought of being a big sister. She became very clingy to me, up in the night seemingly just to check on me and not wanting to go in to school. It was heartbreaking and it didn't help when a so-called friend said @see, I told you, you shouldn't have told her until after your scan' Thing is IMO just because you've had a scan doesn't make it any less likely that things will go wrong. I know plenty of people who have had losses after that scan - I was really upset and cross by the comment. I was glad she knew especially as, as you can imagine, I spent most of the Christmas holiday moping and crying - what on earth would she have thought if she didn't know what had happened

ANYWAY upshot was I looked for a book to help her and found this one:

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Were-Gonna-Have-An...3244&sr=8-1

 

I liked it so much I even left a review:

 

 

This review is from: We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead (Paperback)

I bought this book after having a miscarriage myself. My youngest daughter aged 6 was OK to begin with but then was obviously affected. The book is simple and written from the perspective of a child who was going to be a big brother. After the baby dies in the story it is depicted as an angel in every picture which my daughter liked (I hadn't even noticed when I read it through first!) The story gives children permission to feel cheated by the death - they were all excited about having a baby to play with, share with and help look after and now it has been snatched away. My own daughter had said to me that she thought I must be most sad as it was in my body and I tried to explain to her that it was ok for her to be sad too but I think she still felt she didn't have the right and that confused her. She took the book to school and I was amazed that the teacher shared it with the whole class! She also slept with it under her pillow for a few nights.

At the back are a couple of pages for parents with advice on helping children cope with the loss.

All in all I would thoroughly recommend this for any age child.

 

 

She still has it in her room and has a little weep reading it. As I said in the review I was amazed that the class teacher read it to the class - a brave thing to do I thought but in my opinion a good thing to do as it does happen so often and people don't talk about it.

[Cait]

Well done Kitty. One for our bookshelf too I think

[Guest]

Hi Kitty,

So sorry to read your original post and wanted to send you hugs and positive thoughts. I have never been through what you are experiencing but a friend of mine suffered a miscarriage at about 23 ish weeks. She was dreading what should have been her due date, totally understandably, and so planned special things to happen on that day. They as a couple, bought some special helium ballons in pastel colours, and then took them to a local hill where they were able to just release them and think of all the special times they would have had together as a family. My friend was absolutely terrified about that day but said that having something positive to focus on really helped them to cope and to "get through" the day. They then had a special meal just with very close family and used that as a time to talk very openly about the baby and how they were all feeling. She is being supported by SANDS and several other groups which have been fantastic. They obviously hope that one day they will have a child but at the same time have been encouraged to not dismiss or forget the emotional journey that they have been on.

 

Not sure whether any of this will help you but wanted to share how they coped with the due date and maybe it is something you and your family could adapt to suit you particularly for your other children. I am sending you a big hug and you ar ein my thoughts and prayers, let us know how you get on at the dr and hope that this time you see a more understanding one.

 

Love and hugs

Nicky Sussex

[Hello Kitty]

Thank you for sharing that experience (is that the right word??) I always thought we'd do something like that on the due date in July but in the end I put my sister in law first she's getting married (NEXT July!!) and wanted to go for bridemaids' dresses the same weekend. I should have just said no but of course I didn't. She knew the date, I did tell her I might not be good company and why! Maybe she thought she was helping by 'taking my mind off it' eh?

I have got an appointment with the nurse practitioner next Monday - she's lovely and although she won't be able to diagnose or prescribe anything I hope seeing her will be the first step as I know I can talk to her if that makes sense!