sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 So........ I have a little girl that I share with another setting, she doesn't live in 'my' village, she lives in the village where the other setting is situated - she had been on my waiting list since birth and I managed to 'fit her in' for just two sessions each week starting from last September. Mum is constantly telling me (and I'd actually much rather she didn't) how much happier she is in my setting and how much she looks forward to the days that she spends with me....... However, I feel constantly 'undermined' by the other setting - up to now I have been able to 'ignore' this.......it has been issues like - I suggested a hearing test - "oh her other setting are positive there is nothing wrong with her hearing" :blink: really? Well I battled on with this and sure enough she has now been diagnosed with 'Glue ear'.......then one morning I had to ask mum to collect early as she wasn't, in my opinion, well enough to be at pre-school - this was met by "well she was coughing like this at her other setting and they said it was OK" :blink: really? In that instance I explained that I am not prepared to have children who are clearly unwell in my setting, but, of course, the other setting may have different 'rules'........ But now we have a really serious 'issue' - mum and dad separated some time ago and mum said "her dad is not allowed to collect her any more" - I explained that he has 'Parental Responsibility' and that I have no 'right' to prevent him from collecting his daughter.......this was apparently accepted by mum at the time.........but this morning I was greeted with "I don't want her dad to collect her, I don't see why you can't promise me that this won't happen, her other setting have said that they can definitely prevent him from taking her" - again, I patiently explained why I can't do this........ So - what to do now - I think that really I must speak to the other setting.........I'm loathe to do this for many reasons - but can't see any other way round this....... What would you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melba Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Is it possible that mum is just saying that the other setting takes the opposite view to you to try to get her own way? It might be enlightening to actually hear what they have said from them. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks Melba - you make a really good point there :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mouseketeer Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I,m with Melba...she could be playing you off against each other, and know that you are doing the right things,I had a parent a couple of years ago who just had to moan about everything little thing ( but really needed to take a look at her own parenting skills) in the end I just said ' I'm really sorry we don't seem to be able to meet your expectations and as I much as we'd hate to see ******** leave, I fully understand if you feel another setting would be more suitable' .....did they leave ? NO and never had another peep out of her again 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks mouse! :1b I do know that 'the other setting' operates in a completely different way to me........that's fine by me - it's their setting, their choice..... I do wonder why I really feel the need to speak to them at all - as long as I know with this 'dad issue' that I am right.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayw Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 What do you say in your policy about parents collecting children? Is there a court order preventing dad from having contact with the child? It would be very worthwhile asking the other setting about their policy for collecting children as you both have a meet this child's needs and meet Safeguarding requirements. I also think mouse's comments are very true - this parent doesn't have to use your setting if she is unhappy with the way you work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thank you very much for taking the trouble to respond kayw......... No there is no 'court order' - I did explain to her this morning that this would be required..........I also said that as long as she always makes sure that she is 'first in line' at home time then we have nothing to worry about - he can't gain entry at any other time........she is, unfortunately, regularly late....... I asked her what she thought would happen if he collected his daughter and she said "oh I know he wouldn't hurt her in any way" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I'll bet she's using the child against him!! You stick to your guns, you know your right. I wouldnt even speak to the other setting, if they want to help mom in her silly games let them. You could always ask for clarification from your LA and offer to pass it onto the other setting! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks Rea! :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 You're welcome :1b I just think with all the stuff you have to worry about and organise, worrying about the other settings policies and procedures is a step too far. Tell mom the rules and somehow let dad know too. In fact, as a thought, when my brother was seperated it occurred to me that we dont think about the absent parent do we? My brother didnt have a separate report or parents evening or invitation to school events. Maybe its something you could start, I think we could too! :rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Another very good point, thanks again! :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 I would be looking to finding it in writing [gov website I think?] and then give mum a copy. xx 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 My reply was always that the child was at our setting on those days so what happens elsewhere has no bearing on how we run our setting..if they preferred the other one maybe they should rethink the preschool arrangements... let me know what your decision is when you have made it... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 I would be looking to finding it in writing [gov website I think?] and then give mum a copy. xx Funnily enough I did have a look but couldn't find a 'definitive answer' - maybe just me? :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 My reply was always that the child was at our setting on those days so what happens elsewhere has no bearing on how we run our setting..if they preferred the other one maybe they should rethink the preschool arrangements... let me know what your decision is when you have made it... Thanks Inge - it is ridiculous really - she feels the need to tell me all the time - "she loves your setting, she is doing really well here, wish she could have more sessions" and so on and so on.........I don't need to hear that - there aren't any free sessions as she well knows....... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Funnily enough I did have a look but couldn't find a 'definitive answer' - maybe just me? :blink: Well I have to be honest I haven't had to look/update this info for a long time [keeping fingers crossed now]. I will try and look at what we have at work tomorrow - we have a sheet explaining parental responsibility, however it may be considered 'out of date' now as at least 3-4 years old? I think it may have come from the 'Every Child Matters' website- but I'm not even sure that exists anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Thanks! :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Well I have to be honest I haven't had to look/update this info for a long time [keeping fingers crossed now]. I will try and look at what we have at work tomorrow - we have a sheet explaining parental responsibility, however it may be considered 'out of date' now as at least 3-4 years old? I think it may have come from the 'Every Child Matters' website- but I'm not even sure that exists anymore. I found the page on GOV.UK for Parental Responsibility - however, contained therein is this statement...... 'If you have Parental responsibility for a child you don't live with, you don't necessarily have a right to contact with them - but the other parents still needs to keep you updated about their well-being and progress' I don't think it would be helpful to share that with her 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 a bit 'woolly' ???? :blink: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/FINAL%20web%20version%20251108.pdf This might help :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catma Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 You're welcome :1b I just think with all the stuff you have to worry about and organise, worrying about the other settings policies and procedures is a step too far. Tell mom the rules and somehow let dad know too. In fact, as a thought, when my brother was seperated it occurred to me that we dont think about the absent parent do we? My brother didnt have a separate report or parents evening or invitation to school events. Maybe its something you could start, I think we could too! :rolleyes: I thought you had to give any parent with parental responsibilty the same access, even to having separate reports,parents meetings etc if they want..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 We possibly do have to Catma, but I'm pretty sure we dont automatically invite separated parents or include them. We send invites home and presume the message will be shared. Its not something we have happen at our setting very often so its not something I think about, but I will now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 when we have this situation I always say that if dad turns up to collect that we would contact mum to come into the setting to speak to him and to sort out who was taking the child between them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 http://www.cafcass.g...sion 251108.pdf This might help :1b Thank you very much! :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 when we have this situation I always say that if dad turns up to collect that we would contact mum to come into the setting to speak to him and to sort out who was taking the child between them Thanks! :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Hi Sunnyday We have had a similar situation in the past, and as you say, Mum was generally the last to arrive at the end of the session. One day Dad did turn up to collect, with another bloke in the car and he got quite aggressive with me when I wouldn't let him in to Preschool. His child wasn't actually in that day, but he didn't know at that point. When I told Mum that he had turned up, she suddenly started being first in the queue! She did bring me a solicitor's letter later though. I think maybe this is one to quiz your SIP about, presumably she is also their SIP and will have some awareness of their operating procedure. She may be able to liaise with them if need be. She may alo be willing o peak to this mother, and back you up. If she 'just happens' to be there at the right time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finleysmaid Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 Hi sunnyday...this is such a pain isn't it? we have been in a similar position before...... we say they say blah blah blah i eventually rang my advisor (who was also their advisor!!) and had a word...she went and had a little conversation without naming names etc!! You are right to stick to your guns of course and you can always give them a copy of your policy to confirm it. Good idea to print something out too but i don't think i would enter into a dialogue with the other setting or it will just end up in an arguement! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Hi Sunnyday We have had a similar situation in the past, and as you say, Mum was generally the last to arrive at the end of the session. One day Dad did turn up to collect, with another bloke in the car and he got quite aggressive with me when I wouldn't let him in to Preschool. His child wasn't actually in that day, but he didn't know at that point. When I told Mum that he had turned up, she suddenly started being first in the queue! She did bring me a solicitor's letter later though. I think maybe this is one to quiz your SIP about, presumably she is also their SIP and will have some awareness of their operating procedure. She may be able to liaise with them if need be. She may alo be willing o peak to this mother, and back you up. If she 'just happens' to be there at the right time. Thanks Cait - I think involving my SIP and yes, I think she is their SIP too is a great idea - I'm off to compose an email right now! :1b 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finleysmaid Posted February 25, 2013 Share Posted February 25, 2013 oohps crossed posts!! I do always insist on paperwork if the parent is not allowed to collect otherwise you could be had up for kidnapp!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 25, 2013 Author Share Posted February 25, 2013 Hi sunnyday...this is such a pain isn't it? we have been in a similar position before...... we say they say blah blah blah i eventually rang my advisor (who was also their advisor!!) and had a word...she went and had a little conversation without naming names etc!! You are right to stick to your guns of course and you can always give them a copy of your policy to confirm it. Good idea to print something out too but i don't think i would enter into a dialogue with the other setting or it will just end up in an arguement! Thanks very much finleysmaid........I think that you are right and I shouldn't enter into a conversation with the other setting at all - so good to get others input on this sort of issue :1b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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