Upsy Daisy Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) You've helped me when I'm struggling with G's school before so would you mind doing it again? She's 8 and has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. Part of the diagnostic process was a professionals meeting at her school which was for CAMHS to gather info for the diagnosis and also for school to get advice on how best to support her. I know that the head doesn't approve of my parenting style and, as G hides her anxiety and pain from hypermobility in school, she refuses to acknowledge that they exist and thinks I'm a neurotic parent. I was supportive about the professionals meeting because I thought it would help for the head to air her concerns to the people who were telling me that G's pain and anxiety are real. However they are refusing to disclose what was discussed at this meeting or to give me minutes. I am really angry and disappointed at the air of secrecy which surrounds this meeting and I have written a letter asking for copies of all minutes and notes written during or in response to the meeting. I followed this with a data protection request for copies of all of her file if they felt they couldn't comply. Am I being reasonable in my actions? I don't mind that the staff could have criticised my parenting to CAMHS but I do mind that they won't share what's been recorded with me. I don't trust the headteacher at all. Edited July 21, 2011 by Upsy Daisy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Good grief!! I think you're being completely reasonable. Its your child they are discussing. I'd be hopping mad if someone tried to hide details from me. Have they given a reason why its secret? How do they expect to work in partnership and have your support if they behave like that? Gosh I'm incensed on your behalf. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 I can't believe they are not telling you the details. The only time we do not disclose things to parents is if we feel they are at risk! I would be exactly the same as you, what right have they to withhold this and why were you not invited? Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eyfs1966 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Why were you not invited to the review? Who have you asked for notes from, the school or Camhs? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Without a shadow of a doubt you should have been invited to that meeting and you have every right to have copies of what has been discussed. You hang in there - they do seem to have it in for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue R Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 That is disgraceful!! You should have been top of the list of persons present!! Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 I have asked school for the minutes. Thank you for the reassurance. I wasn't invited because the professionals wanted to be able to speak freely which was code for the head wanting to tell CAMHS that I'm a neurotic parent. I supported it because I thought it would help for her to hear from the professionals that it's not me. I just feel suspicious about what was said that has to be so secret. A request for a statutory assessment will go in at the beginning of Sept to decide on the provision for her in Sept 2012 when she move to middle school. Once that assessment is done I intend to remove her from the school and home ed for the rest of the year. It will be such a relief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Well I certainly wouldn't be very happy with that answer either. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Oh Upsy - of course you are not being 'unreasonable'.......sending hugs xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacquieL Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Lots of hugs from me too. Actually I would contact CAMHS and ask them for their notes/minutes and see what happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyPancakes Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Upsy Daisy, I have followed your posts for some time, and have asked your advice on a matter because I have felt you were ANYTHING BUT neurotic or unreasonable. You are informed, level headed and concerned for your child. You both deserve respect and complete inclusion, instead of scraps of information and suspicion. I wish you the very best and all the strength you need. Honey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Awww. You lot are going to make me cry! Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 How DARE they!?!?!?!? Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Parent Partnership??????? I think you've been incredibly reasonable putting up with their shenanigans for months........ now I think I'd be contacting the Parent Liason at your LA and asking for them to get involved and I truly hope you're keeping a diary of your dealings with the school to forward to Ofsted when G has left. Chin up, Upsy - you've dealt with everything they've tried to block your path with so far and we here have every faith that you'll get past this, too!! Big Hugs, Nona x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Cry if it makes you feel better, but then brush yourself off, take a deep breath and then remind yourself this is your child and you have the right as her mother to know what plans are in store for her, and so does she. You've got a whole forum of mothers on your side Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 I love FSF! Nona, the head sees me more as a pain in the **** than a partner. I think this has been made worse by my decision for remove G from school for the last 7 days of term due to their inability to prepare her for any of the disruptions to the timetable. Being awake until 4.30am the night before the school trip because I couldn't tell her which adult she would be with or the format of the day was the last straw for me. The head is very upset because they have already missed their attendance target for this year and I've just made it loads worse. Let's not worry about the welfare of the child then! We've now gone from 2 meltdowns an hour to two meltdowns in a week so I know I was right. The sooner I can withdraw her from the school the better. Does anyone think I should put myself forward for the vacancy they're trying to fill? It's for a community governor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I love FSF! Nona, the head sees me more as a pain in the **** than a partner. I think this has been made worse by my decision for remove G from school for the last 7 days of term due to their inability to prepare her for any of the disruptions to the timetable. Being awake until 4.30am the night before the school trip because I couldn't tell her which adult she would be with or the format of the day was the last straw for me. The head is very upset because they have already missed their attendance target for this year and I've just made it loads worse. Let's not worry about the welfare of the child then! We've now gone from 2 meltdowns an hour to two meltdowns in a week so I know I was right. The sooner I can withdraw her from the school the better. Does anyone think I should put myself forward for the vacancy they're trying to fill? It's for a community governor PLEASE put yourself forward for the Governor post, but not until the last afternoon of term......just to give the Head something to worry about over the holidays (spitefully, I feel she could do with a taste of what she's put you through) and if the Head is upset about G's attendance you could always ask your supportive GP for a sick note for G... a note saying a child is off with stress always looks good on the school records (as my GP pointed out!) Keep smiling, keep fighting, and keep telling yourself that every day you get through is a day nearer to G leaving there.... Nona x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 Oh HUGE HUGE hugs from me two words I would NEVER use in the same sentance are 'upsydaisy' and 'unreasonable'. Carry on doing what you are doing, YOU know your daughter best and though I thoroughly understand your annoyance and upset about the meeting don't let the ********* get you down. Count yourslef lucky they only class you as neurotic! I was 'paranoid and neurotic' when I expressed my concerns about the possibility of my 5yr old son being dyslexic. Of course there is no such thing as dyslexia it's just a term used by parents when their children aren't reading within a week of starting school!! My son was also told when he was older that 'you are a waster who will probably spend the rest of your life on the dole' - great headmaster! Well with my paranoia and neurotic streaks I battled on and got my son statemented eventually and things got better. IN 2009 many of you will know I was the proudest mum in the land standing at Hendon watching my son pass out as a Met. Police Officer - not bad for a 'waster' with a paranoid and neurotic mother! :wacko: Just as an aside, 2 years on he describes his job as 'living the dream' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I tried to answer this yesterday but my tired old brain couldn't formulate the words. All I'll say today is, do I really need to answer this question? You'd make an excellent Governor. Then I can call you Guvnor! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted July 23, 2011 Author Share Posted July 23, 2011 Nona, they already have a letter from the GP which includes a paragraph about her concerns regarding G's well-being being such that she's written to CAMHS. Great minds and all that... Not that the head has acknowledged the letter. Gezabel, your posts about your son passing out have stuck with me. I'm I hope that I will look back on all this from a similar viewpoint some day. Maz, Having thought about the governor role I think I should perhaps pass on the opportunity until my daughter has left the school and I had either walked away from or completed my FD. I will then volunteer for the next vacancy and offer to be governor overseeing SN provision Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Actually I think that is very sensible. You'd never catch me taking on far too many commitments and running myself ragged! However I much prefer the 'completed FD' than the 'walked away from' option! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 Gezabel, your posts about your son passing out have stuck with me. I'm I hope that I will look back on all this from a similar viewpoint some day. Hi Upsydaisy, I am sure you will With the benefit of hindsight I spent so long trying to 'sort things' and fighting on my sons behalf I kind of feel I missed vital time actually with my son. Don't get me wrong I did have loads of time with him as many of my battles where fought whilst he was attending school but there were times when I was 'putting on a brave face in front of him' and then spending night sobbing myself to sleep. Many times I was physically and mentally exhausted but I knew i was doing the right thing. I used to turn up at County Hall and ask to speak to the relevant person from education dept and remember they would ring through and say 'Daniel's mother is here AGAIN!' Was the whole experience a tough one, yes it was, would I do it all again? yes in a hearbeat! At the time It wasn't about academic achievement for me but about my son being recognised for who he is 'warts and all' and getting the right support, right education for him so he could go on to be the best he could be given his 'difficulties'. Back then I thought I knew he would never be a policeman (he said from the age of 6 that's what he wanted to do) how wrong was I. WHilst that's great it's equally great that he can deal with all the things in life he needs to deal with, in terms of self confidence and literacy skills. He was here this morning with reams of paperwork - he is buying his first home and has signed all the mortgage papers and just wanted dad to check them over but it brought a lump to my throat knowing he had 'read all the small print' etc In many ways I think it's great we can't see into the future but knowing what I know now I kind of wish I could have known back then just how far he would go as it would have saved me alot of anguish and many sleepless nights but perhaps that's selfish of me. I am gabbling on and probably not making sense but I have read all your posts about your daughter and identifiy with so much of what you have said. I have no doubt whatsoever that with you as her mum she will be absolutely fine and am sure she will grow to be a wonderful lady and have a great fulfilling life doing whatever she chooses to do Take care and do keep us up to date Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 I have no doubt whatsoever that with you as her mum she will be absolutely fine and am sure she will grow to be a wonderful lady and have a great fulfilling life doing whatever she chooses to do Dear Upsy Daisy You know how I'm not the kind of person who says "I told you so"...? Maybe you could print out Gezabel's words and when you have those moments of self-doubt that we all do, you could look at them and remind yourself that if others who know as much as she does think you are doing the right thing for G (and C), then you must be doing something right. Lots of love, Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 (edited) IN 2009 many of you will know I was the proudest mum in the land standing at Hendon watching my son pass out as a Met. Police Officer - not bad for a 'waster' with a paranoid and neurotic mother! Just as an aside, 2 years on he describes his job as 'living the dream' Gezabel, I remember reading your posts and admiring your handsome son in his uniform through tear drenched eyes... and now reading your posts in support of Upsy Daisy and G I'm doing it again!! Such is the power of the FSF!!! Upsy, you WILL get through this, you WILL complete your FD and you WILL (eventually!) look back on these difficult days with both your darling daughters as just another hurdle in the obstacle race of parenthood...... funny how none of these issues were ever mentioned at the antenatal and parentcraft classes I attended Nona Edited July 24, 2011 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Gezabel, I remember reading your posts and admiring your handsome son in his uniform through tear drenched eyes... and now reading your posts in support of Upsy Daisy and G I'm doing it again!! Nona Ooops! sorry Nona didn't mean to make you cry I always think it's nice and often helpful if someone who is having a tough time hears about someone who faced something similar and got through it with a positive outcome. When it was me I remember people saying 'oh don't worry there's a light at the end of the tunnel' and I would think 'yeah right! the way things are going the only light is that of an oncoming train!' I know they meant well but they hadn't experienced the huge depth and range of emotions and the real roller coaster ride from day to day (sometimes hour to hour). I identify with so much of Upsydaisy and just hope my ramblings help in some way however small I really wish I could magic away your anguish Upsydaisy but I can't but with FSF behind you and your spirit all will be well,you'll see, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 (edited) Just a little update for my lovely FSF friends. Withdrawing G from school was very much the right thing to do. Her anxiety plummeted straight away and a couple of weeks later I can honestly say I have my little girl back. Her mood has lifted and her sense of humour has returned. She's sleeping better (it'll never be good ) and has stopped the major meltdowns. Her teacher for next year had asked me to go and meet her during the holidays and I have to admit to feeling pretty negative about the idea. I gave her some articles by Tony Attwood to read before we met and some other bits and pieces I thought she'd find helpful. TBH I didn't expect anyone to read them but she has and she's come up with some lovely ideas. She's moved some classroom furniture to make a safe space for G to go when she needs time out and asked me to provide a few bits and pieces from home to help her relax. She listened really carefully to what G finds difficult and wanted to know why so she could predict other times she might need support. She has written down a long, long list for other teachers who cover in order that the approach will be consistent. The best bit was that she dropped in at my house a couple of hours later with a written summary of our discussion and told me she'd decided that G shouldn't be put through the stress of eating in the dining hall any more and could choose one friend to join her in the classroom for lunch. I hadn't even asked for that. I've told G about all these things and she looked up at me with her eyes shining and said "I might even be looking forward to going back to school now!" The teacher told me before we started that she didn't want to agree to anything that wasn't sustainable which made me feel confident. The support is more about planning the environment than taking up teaching time so once they are in place they should keep going. I know it's early days but it's a positive start. Fingers crossed. Thanks for all the support. It's meant a lot. Edited July 31, 2011 by Upsy Daisy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Great news, upsy daisy. I havent commented before but I have read and sent you positive vibes! Continue to do what you do best and fight for your daughter, with you behind her she will go far. I hope that she will have a successful return to school in September. The next teacher sounds great and is walking that extra mile for you, possibly unsupported in the workplace. Enjoy the holiday, there is so much joy in being a parent and that role changes so quickly with time! Big hugs to you and your daughter(s). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Really good news Upsy Daisy. Even when you had doubts you knew really the best way for G, so glad its woked out like this. Her new teacher sounds wonderful Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panders Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 It would appear that there is a voice of reason at last! Where have they been hiding this teaher? Long may her attitude last. At least G is feeling more positive about her return. Well done Upsy Daisy for your consistent approach with this school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Like Susan I haven't really commented before but I've had my fingers crossed for you. Thank goodness for this new teacher who seems to be taking the time to make reasonable adjustments to enable your child to participate. I really hope it works out for you and your daughter and you find this is the beginning of a change in general. What a pity all the teachers couldn't have taken this approach though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 That is absolutely brilliant news - I'm so pleased for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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