Guest Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) Ok, so a friend of mine bought me some mugs as a house warming gift. Unfortunately they remind me of a memory I really need to forget - I cannot stress enough the need to forget. So do I a) Take them back to the shop and see if I could exchange them - however, what I exchange them for will remind me of why I exchanged them! b.) Put them to the back of a cupboard or in the attic and buy myself some new ones c) Explain to my friend - but then that will mean explaining the reason why Deary me, I sound ungrateful. I asked for mugs and they are to my taste but the memories they bring back are awful. They were going to be occasional mugs anyway for visitors as we have none that match or aren't chipped. This may sound silly to some people but it isn't to me ppp Edited October 28, 2010 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katekit Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I would either give the other mugs to the charity shop or I would be really careless when I washed them and put them into the cupboard (like teenagers do when they are cross about being asked to do the pots!) and that seems to chip them and then they would have to be disposed of. Then I would buy new mugs and tell myself they were from my friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Hmm. I don't see how anyone could say this is trivial because it is obviously causing you such stress. How good a friend is this person? If I were in your position, I'd probably donate them to a charity shop and if I felt I needed to explain why I would just say what you've said - that the present reminds me of an unhappy time and leave it at that. If this person is a good friend s/he won't push you for an explanation and will understand. If I were your friend I would hope I would understand your reasons, I'd offer a listening ear if ever you needed it, but I wouldn't be offended. Ultimately all I'd want would be for you to be happy and I'd hate to think a gift I'd given you would make you unhappy. Obviously I don't know your friend so I can't guess whether s/he'd prefer to have the gift back rather than donate it to charity, but either way I don't think you need to go into long-winded explanations. Your reasons are your own and you don't owe anyone any explanation above what you feel comfortable with. Either that or just tell her you dropped them and they all broke - but not to worry because you've replaced them now! Hope you get it sorted - what a difficult situation! Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froglet Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I don't think it's trivial - all sorts of things bring back bad memories and in a new home I think you want to look ahead to good times, not be reminded of bad ones. I would either bury them in a box at the back of a cupboard or donate them somewhere (ideally the second otherwise everytime you see the box you'll be reminded but hiding them might be a good interim step). Is your friend likely to be a regular visitor? Are they a friend who would get the 'visitor mugs' or the normal ones? If they ask then you could explain but I think it's strongly possible that they won't even ask. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I know what you mean here - I did what you suggest - got myself something in their place but that evoked the memories too! I think you should possibly just give them to the charity shop or donate them to someone as a raffle prize and then forget it. Ok you need mugs, so just go and choose yourself some another time, with no associations. Is it likely your friend is going to come to your house and wonder why you're not using them? My hypnotherapist sister would probably say you should use them and make an association with a happy time and then the feeling would go away - I can ask her if you like? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panders Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 What a dilemma 3p - and how awful for you to be reminded of such a horrible moment in your life by objects which are everyday in themselves. If you don't want to explain anything to your friend that's understandable, but a good friend would be intrigued no doubt, but accept without question that you wanted to change the mugs without an explanation. How about giving mugs away to a charity shop. Then if you know where they had been bought, choose some others - and explain it away by saying that you are thinking of a new colour scheme for the kitchen and wanted to change the mugs asap, incase you were unable to when you came to redecorate in a while. it sounds as tho it is a memory which is still very vivid and painful and so try to be kind to yourself - have you done anything to come to terms with this incident in your life - could this be one of those strange coincidences in life with a nudge to make you think about getting some help, if help were available. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredbear Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Hi PPP something that continues to make you upset should be swiftly disposed of in whichever way you feel is appropriate and it certainly isn't silly to you. As you know your friend and how she would feel about the decision you make and why, but i think what is most important in all of this is you and your feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Aww thank you. Friend is my life long best friend - but can get quite 'funny' at times. If I explain she may tell her husband and I don't want it being broadcast - even a hint of it. I Like the idea of breaking them - I broke a wine glass earlier washing it up, and chipped a plate when putting it on the dish rack on Sunday! I am very clumsy at washing up. She wouldn't get the visitor mugs as I have given her my FSF mug before now - not that it isn't 'special'. She has any old mug really. Ooh Cait you have a hypnotherapist sister? How interesting! Nothing good can come from my memory I'm afraid. I'm seeing my friend at the weekend. May be I just explain to her, she may return them but then if she gets me something in its place - that'll remind me, even if it's a fruit bowl! But then she is likely to tell her husband as he bought them too. Oh dear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Friend is my life long best friend - but can get quite 'funny' at times. If I explain she may tell her husband and I don't want it being broadcast - even a hint of it. Well then I'd go for Plan B. I think maybe a butterfingers moment is called for! Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 i would tell hun - i am sure she would understand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Definitely not trivial if it's causing you so much distress. I'd like to suggest a therapeutic, "Greek style" mug smashing ritual... smashing those memories associated with them, too. If your friend ever asks, a little white lie about them getting broken is surely excusable. It's SO easy to accidentally knock a whole mug tree off the work surface isn't it !? Nona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mundia Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 For a life long best friend I would come clean, and on the other foot, id want my life long best friend to come clean too.. Id probably be mortified that I had bought something that upset her in this way but Id feel even worse that she felt she couldn't tell me. The details don't matter, they are your reasons to share or not as you wish to. I would just say you have passed them off, thanking her for the thought etc, but they have brough tback memories you don't wish to talk about and leave it like that. A true friend would understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredbear Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Oops crashhhhhhhhhhhhh could someone drop them on your behalf, then no feelings of guilt are left with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I agree PPP if she is a good friend she would understand, and if asked not tell her husband. Does she not know the reason why they have a bad association for you? Obviously otherwise she wouldn't have bought them for you!!!! Sorry grey moment there!!!!! Why not give them to a charity then have a lovely day out with your friend and buy yourself some new mugs!!! that way the new ones will have a nice association Try and find something to have a laugh about the mugs so they stop being a bad association, even now you are trying to have a laugh by thinking it is a silly thing to not like them, Hope that came across right as I have things I don't like because of where they came from. Its like names!!!! I hated a boy at school called Mike (the reasons I won't go into ) but I have a real job liking any one with that name even though they don't have anything to do with the other boy !!! bearing in mind I'm 55 so school was a long time ago but hopefully you know what I'm trying to get at. Hope things go well and don't be so hard on yourself xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) I would go with what your instinct/heart tells you as you have to live with the decision. Sometimes too much thinking makes things worse!! I'm sure your friend ultimately wants you to be happy and wouldn't want you to be distressed. (Anybody who knows me personally wouldn't bat an eye lid if i was to say I broke something...may buy some cheapy plates and gave a Greek experience - bet that's such a release after a stressful day!!!) Hope you sort it soon, Edited October 28, 2010 by gingerbreadman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 lots of options... only you know your friend well enough to gage how she may react... I have had long time friends who I know would be miffed if I told them half a story , and for both of us a simple dropping of the cups would be the easiest option... and others who would be good enough to not ask the questions why and accept my dilemma... so over to you now to make the decision... and you should see my mugs.. they all come in 3s.... Inge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 (edited) and you should see my mugs.. they all come in 3s.... I don't think I have two the same! (never mind 3!) Edited October 28, 2010 by Cait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I don't think I have two the same! (never mind 3!) Nor me. All odd but all with good reasons. PPP, If you cant face telling your friend, break them, put them in the bin by mistake or give them away then if she ever mentions she hasnt seen them, you can tell her where they are. I lost a baby many years ago, some people bought me flowers but my mother-in-law bought me a dried flower arrangement which lasted and lasted and lasted. In the end had to bin it. It was a permenant reminder of that event. It felt so good finally getting rid. She never noticed and I never told. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Ooh I was brave - just spoke to my friend, explained and she was fine. Said she understood. It was agreed she would give them to another friend for an upcoming birthday. Thank you all for your help Hope you enjoyed your extra hour in bed! Mr ppp's alarm went off when it shouldn't have so didn't really get mine. Gives me more hours in the day though! ppp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Well spend them with 'feet up' time at least! Well done you - very impressed. She's a good friend after all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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