katehart Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Hi everyone I am due to start the foundation degree in September and can't wait. But I have one very big problem, my husband is not very happy about me doing it. He does have a very stressful job, although so do I. However he does get paid a lot more than i do and he thinks by me doing this course would put more pressure on him. He does cook the dinner in the evenings and I wash up. After school, i am spend what I call good quailty time with my children. Then I bath them and read bed time stories to them everynight. My husband is cooking dinner, whilst i am doing this. (He likes to do the cooking). He thinks I may have to do work during weekends and he is worried he may have to look after the our two children and do other things too. I have already explained to him work is giving me time off for study time, which i know i am very lucky. I may have to spend a few evenings doing some work, but i will not do it in the time i am with the children. It will be when they are in bed. They are still young, so they are in bed by 7pm. I have wanted to do this foundation degree for many years, but it just wasn't the right time. We wanted to start a family, which we did and now have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, whom starts school this September. Now I have this opportunity again, I don't want to miss it. I work in a children centre full time and have a very supportive team around me and very lucky to be in a job i really love. My own children are very loving and love school and nursery very much and as I said early my 3 year old starts school this September. Do you think I am being selfish, however my husband can be a bit controlling sometimes. i am feeling very confused at the moment. Help!!! Hope you can understand this, it's getting late. Has anyone else had the same problem, if so how did you manage?? I know there is a lot of other people who have busy lives and still manage to complete the course. Any advise it would be very much appricated. sorry about spellings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Hi, Firstly, you are not being selfish at all, stop thinking along those lines. You are obviously excited about the degree, and I expect spend alot of time talking about it with your husband. He is probably concerned that you are branching out on your own a little. The degree is hard work, but with good time management and study time off of work, it is doable, so shouldnt impact to much on your homelife with both children and hubbie. However there will be times when he will have to step into the fold and take control of the children, the reading you will be doing will probably take up the most of your time. I would try to stop worrying and deal with things when they arise, if push comes to shove you could always tell him its now a requirement and not a luxury that all CC staff have to have a degree...naughty I know, but there you go. Goodluck and enjoy September, its very rewarding and you will learn so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narnia Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Two words: GO FOR IT.......................well, ok,I lied, it was three words! you need to do this for you and i think your husband should be more supportive. If you are being given study time at work, then that's a really good opportunity, that you might not have in say, two, or more years down the line.Of course this will eat into your time, but it flies by really quickly, so before you know it, you'll be done and dusted.Good luck, and sign up for it tomorrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Who are you studying with? If it's Open Uni, why don;t you agree to try a module and see how you get on? If it's not working then fair enough, if you can prove to him that it doesn't impact much on your family life then that's great. My husband was a bit unsure at first, but soon realised that I was serious about it, and when he saw that it didn't impinge too much on my general 'availability' to the children and him, and my first results came back in, he was very proud of me and became incredibly supportive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennim Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I agree, go for it, it's the 21st century, not the 12th. - as for the 'controlling' element of your relationship, please make sure you are aware of how you can seek help if/as needed - he may earn and cook but that doesn't give anyone the right to dictate the terms of a relationship does it? You sound as if you will benefit a great deal from such an opportunity and so should got for it 100%. Explaining the time given as a benefit will help I suppose. Sorry if I sound cynical. Jennim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I usually find if I want to do something, I find a way, whether hubby is in agreement and supportive or not. I sometimes weigh up the pros an cons, but I rarely regret not doing something. My friend did the FD and there are lots of people on here doing it or have completed it, its a struggle at times but I dont get the impression its too difficult to compltet, and the feeling of achievement is wonderful to read about. Only you can decide whats best for your situation, how easy it will be to live with a sulky hubby. Your working postition is supportive, your children are settled and happy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katehart Posted March 31, 2010 Author Share Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) Thanks you very much!! All your comments mean a lot to me. I am studying at a Portsmouth uni and have already been offered a place. It was a few comments my husband had said tonight that has made me feel a little unsettled. well very unsettled. He always knows the right words to use that can make me feel emotionally drained. It always comes down to my children. I love my children very much and i will always put them first. I will fit my studies around them and have time for my husband too. I CAN DO IT ....... Well maybe Edited March 31, 2010 by katehart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Of course you can do it. Hundreds, thousands of people do it. They also have jobs and children and husbands, its not impossible. Stand your ground, if it means so much to you, you shouldnt be put off by clever words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posy Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Kate, just wanted to let you know I'd read your post.I think you will definitely need some time at weekends for reading, research and essay writing. Sounds like a glass of wine and chat time to me Posy PS No, you're absolutely not selfish! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 You will find it does 'eat' into weekends sometimes...but I think it depends on how disaplined you are with yourself (bad spellings myself tonight!). I found it didn't really take away many week-ends, only when assignments were due. I did however give up TV altogther!! I would sit reading or reasearching on the sofa whist hubby had full control of the controls - so that kept him happy!! Your hubby sounds as if helps around the house already - my hubby was very supportive........... but by that I mean he was happy to have 'instant' dinners rather than 'proper food'....... he never cooks - also he was more than happy to wear unironed shirts, and I don't think he has every complained once about the state of the house(and sometimes it was bad) - but he hasn't a clue were the hoovers kept and it wouldnt occur to him tidy up. I've made him sound like a slob............which he isn't If this is something you want to do for yourself - then I think you need to sit and have a good chat about it. Doing it while you children are still young enough to be in bed early is good. As they get older their needs change and they actually become more demanding of your time the more independant they become - needing lifts to friends and clubs etc. Is your hubby worried that you might become more independant in yourself (like in Educating Rita)? this did worry mine at first but now he's happy that I did it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 (edited) My turn for 'double posts' tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Edited March 31, 2010 by louby loo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Hmmmmm I just replied to this post(twice) somewhere else anyway if you want to do it go for it.... lots of support on this site is your not getting it from hubby xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katehart Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 (edited) Hmmmmm I just replied to this post(twice) somewhere else anyway if you want to do it go for it.... lots of support on this site is your not getting it from hubby xxx Sorry I have only just realised i must have posted it twice. Because I am very positive about doing this course, I not going to let him put me off. Edited April 1, 2010 by katehart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dublinbay Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Because I am very positive about doing this course, I not going to let him put me off. Good for you Kate. I wish you well for September when you start your FD. The time will fly as mine has.....can't believe I am almost there. You will have lots of support on the forum from people who are always willing to help. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjayne Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Well I can reassure you that the workload at Portsmouth Uni isn't too unmanangeable really it is just a case of good time mamangement as I completed my degree there and graduated last year whilst running a Day Nursery full time, the Uni are very supportive and Foundation Direct are fab ! As for the hubby issue , you have to stand firm and point out to him this is about your career progression and is important to you and that you are doing it whether he likes it or not really. It does souns as if he has issues about you maybe becoming more independant and 'cleverer' than him but these are HIS issues not yours. Good Luck and keep us posted . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I agree with everyone else....my husband wasnt keen when I started mine and I found ways to make it work....Narnia is so right before you know it you have done it...and if it something you really want you can do it with or without support of course it is easier with - I used to get up really early (4.30 am) at weekends and by the time my family had got up (5 children and husband) I had sometimes done 4.50 hours study enough for the weekend alongside some bedtime reading....going to bed at 9 and reading for a couple of hours....I have to admit sometimes I would tell my husband that I was doing work stuff but really I was studying...silly isn't it....you have to use us as your support system that is what I done...the forum helped me achieve my BA (hons) and I will be ever grateful .....do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueJ Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I too benefit from a not particularly supportive husband He wasn't keen at the start and now I am almost finished is still not exactly impressed however I too stuck at it and found ways to make it work. As I have progressed I have also become a lot more confident at standing my ground within our relationship - it is a two way street and when our children were younger I put my career on the back burner to look after them and support him so I feel fully justified in doing what I do and no longer feel the need to seek approval. This does not always make for a smooth ride as you can imagine! Support doesn't always have to come from those closest to you - over the past three years my work colleagues have been of great support as have my fellow students and other friends and as lots of others have said this forum is a fantastic support base. Sometimes the last three years have been a real struggle juggling everything but it really is worth it. Wishing the best of luck and success. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 my hubby was ok with FD but when i went onto BA wasnt very happy - but he soon got used to it - go for it i loved my FD and work load was very managable Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andreamay Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 (edited) hiya You are definatly not being selfish no!! Speaking from experience (Im on my 3rd year) and having a hubby is NOT supportive either I understand totally. 'ofcourse I will support you dear aslong as my tea is on the table and my shirts are ironed'!!!! My children are all grown which is obviously a major help but I work full time (paid part-time) I also get study leave from work. You can do your research sat on in front of the tv as said and I tend to work into early hours when an assignment is due when hubby gone bed. i also get distracted with other jobs in the day or weekends. It is hard work and you do have to juggle family life but it will be worth it. It depends how you work I can hold my head up and have been up there in the top band of marks but it doesnt come easily to me with lots of expereince but no academic background it has been a steep learning curve but it is the way forward in the childcare sector now and this is your career. But just to say I do know how hard it is to try and be everythng to everybody!! so remember you are not alone. it could improve though asi was working really hard last week althrough the day and hubby come off the farm walked in could see there was no tea and he was brilliant!! he made some!!! promptly sat down and ate it!! hadnt even given me a thought however and then left the kicthen in a state for me to clean up later!! good luck in your decision Andrea Edited April 1, 2010 by Andreamay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Like Andrea, I am in year 3 of the degree and if I'm honest, it has taken my OH this long to come to terms with the amount of hours I put into it. He doesn't do much around the house tbh and it is a bit of a bone of contention between us. My kids are 6 and almost 2 and I'm due number 3 in May (OMG, that is next month!), around about the same time as my last assignments are due in. It is hard, but I'm afraid I've learnt the art of ignoring him when he is moaning about the house, moaning about dinner etc. It's a bit like being at work and having the ability to "tune out" of all the noise! As others have said, it depends on how organised you are. Unfortunately for me, I'm not very organised at all, and am a bit of a last minute merchant too so the couple of weeks leading up to a deadline is the worst time because everyone gets ignored to a degree, the washing doesn't get done unless its desperate, I don't do ironing anyway. God, I sound quite lazy actually. My advice to you would be to sit down with him and explain to him exactly how you feel about commencing your studies. I sold it to my OH by reeling off the benefits (financial lol) of doing my degree and going on to do something else after. I want to teach so am not far off now. OH recognises that, and all things considered is now quite good at assignment time; he will take the kids off my hands for afternoons, out for tea, do the washing up etc. He often needs to be reminded, but he will do it. If it's important to you, and I can tell by your post that it is, then he must understand that, otherwise you decide not to do it and possibly resent him for it which will only make your relationship worse in the long run. Don't put it off! It can be done, it's hard, but it is possible. My daughter was 2 when I started the FD, I had my son at the end of the second year so took a year out to do GCSE maths, with a view to doing Year 3 after. I found out I was pregnant again the day I paid for the course. It has been hard what with 2 kids, pregnancy, work, OH etc, but it has been so worth it. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Hi you are not being selfish at all. To many men still have the notion that women must be tied to the house. I haven't done my degree but do own a fairly large pre-school (52 places) and my family have had to adapt. one thing i did was to find some one to do my ironing. I paid for it but it took the pressure away of the ironing shirts for work complaint. My husband never cooked and still doesn't so he lives on sandwiches until i come and do any cooking good way of getting rid of the tyre round his waist hahaha. I do try and cook at weekends or had take aways !!!!! i have always put my children to bed and bathed them so there was no change. Sit down and look at what your husband thinks is going to change. If you don't mind loosing television time then thats up to you. Do an assessment on your household (sounds funny but its we are good at) look at things in a very critical way and be honest then work around the problems. Men can't complain if you have gone down the logic road which is what they do and leave the emotions out of it, even though for you it is a big emotional thing to do and complete you degree. Also time will give you a chance to settle into a routine. I now have a cut off time of 8 o'clock for working into the evening. (I don't have children to put to bed any more) but so that I make time for myself and my husband I alot him time just like you do the children. hahaha It works well but don't feel guilty for wanting to better yourself Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sienna Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Good luck to you, I believe you should study as that is what you want to do, it would be a shame to regret not studying for the Foundation Degree later in life and then perhaps resenting your husband as a result. I've been working full-time and studying for over five years, I finished the Foundation Degree two years ago. I am very lucky to have a supportive husband and a sister-in-law who collects my youngest (11 years old) from school and cleans my house. I doubt very much I would have been able to achieve all that I have without the support of my family. My husband also has a stressful job and is paid much more than me. I hope everything works out well for you, katehart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 He cooks?!?!?! Can't be all bad then! No seriously.......of course you should go for it........you will only regret it if you don't! Is your husband just trying to 'save you from yourself'? I know that I have at times taken on too much........my husband would never, ever try to tell me what I can and can't do.........certainly wouldn't get him anywhere if he did! Must have helped reading posts from all the very busy people on here who are so successfully combining family, work and study! Certainly not being selfish how can doing something that you have wanted to do for years and that will further your career be considered selfish? Go for it and good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 My hubby and 15 year old daughter are very supportive of my FD (2nd year) but there's still the odd mutter about the lack of housework, size of the ironing pile and "are you on the laptop AGAIN?" I'm a real last minute merchant when it comes to assignments but the family have learned to adapt and leave me to it at the weekends while they make their own arrangements! On reflection it may have been preferable to do it when Lex was younger - there's a lot of chauffering, homework help and clash of times for the laptop (although my Blackberry has helped some!) and I'll be finishing my course as she sits her GCSEs I feel a tad sorry for hubby thinking about that! Only you know the impact it would have on your family life but it would be very sad to think you missed an opportunity like this - when I "ummed and aahed" about it my daughter said " if it was me asking, you'd tell me to get on and do it!!" Good luck with your decision. Nona Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katehart Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Wow! Thank you very much everyone!!!XXXX I can't put it into words how I feel about all your great advice. Reading all your wonderful comments and advice this has made me even more determine to do the course. I am really excited about having the opportunity to do this and I am not going to let anyone stop me. I found your stories very inspiring So many of you have done so well and reading your stories has made me realise how many of you didn't find it easy, but because you enjoyed the course so much it kept you motivated. I am sure he will eventually understand. Today, he hasn't said anything about what he said last night, although he is being, too nice today Maybe he feels guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katehart Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Wow! Thank you very much everyone!!!XXXX I can't put it into words how I feel about all your great advice. Reading all your wonderful comments and advice this has made me even more determine to do the course. I am really excited about having the opportunity to do this and I am not going to let anyone stop me. I found your stories very inspiring So many of you have done so well and reading your stories has made me realise how many of you didn't find it easy, but because you enjoyed the course so much it kept you motivated. I am sure he will eventually understand. Today, he hasn't said anything about what he said last night, although he is being, too nice today Maybe he feels guilty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andreamay Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 sue J has put into wrods jsut what i was thinking reading your posts Kate By doing this degree it will give you the respect you need to out your relationship on to a more equal footing. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 O Kate, I am on my last semester at uni and yes it is a BIG commitment but I have learnt soooooo much, just go for it and ride the waves. if you need help and support just shout and we are all hear to help. lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katehart Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 I love reading your replies Thank you !!!! I am feeling positive today!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 Hi, I can totally understand where you are coming from. i am just about to complete my foundation degree after 4 years and without any support or encouragement from my husband. he has moaned and complained all the way through. I was at points of giving up so many times, especially when everyone else seems to have husbands who are so supportive and helpful, i was beginning to think i was alone!! Anyway I kept going and fingers crossed i have just the ECA for last course to complete and it is over and i feel extremely proud of doing it all myself and to think i almost gave it up. So go for it and dont let anyone stop you, you may regret it, when in a few years time you think, I would have a foundation degree if i had started it in 2010, the times going to pass anyway, good luck and if you ever want a moan with someone who knows exactly what you are going through then just shout Tracey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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