Gezabel Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 HI All I have been wondering about posting this message but know in my heart of hearts if there is any advice out there then this is where I will find it Before I start rambling I want to make it very clear that there are absolutely no racist 'overtones' or is it undertones in this message. The situation is that my eldest son has a girlfriend who is not English - it doesn't bother me in anyway whatsoever. I always vowed that any girl irrespective or socio-economic background (or anything else) who made my son (s) happy was fine by me and would be welcomed into our family. I am really lucky that I have the utmost delightful girl as my daughter-in-law to be when my youngest son marries and I would be more than happy for that to be the position with my eldest son. I know my son inside out upside down and back to front and the happiness he is now experiencing with his girlfriend is so blatantly obvious it almost makes me cry and I could hug her forever for making my son so very very happy BUT as I said she is not English, she comes from a culture where arranged marriage is expected, she herself has been brought up in this country but the family culture remains an integral part of their lives. She was nervous about what we would say when we learned that she was my sons girlfriend and my son told her we would have no problem with their relationship and he was absolutely spot on. Sadly, my son is not welcome in her family and it just breaks my heart Well maybe that is not quite accurate and I should say 'he wouldn't be' because her parents do not know about the relationship - it's all a bit clandestine stuff really which is getting to them both. She has a very good female friend who is an 'alibi' when she is out with my son and this is because he is not of their culture. My son is prepared to wait forever in the hope things will change and the girl is as committed to their relationship as he is but there just seems no way of overcoming the hurdle of her family. She adores her parents and knows only too well how utterly devasted they would be if they even had a hint of their daughter being in a relationship with anyone not of their culture. Sadly they both think the day will come when she is forced to choose between my son and her family and she has made it clear her choice will be my son - but what a price to pay and she certainly isn't ready to do that yet. The arranged marriage positition is that her parents meet with people they know who have an 'eligble son' and then a meeting with two sets of parents and both offspring is arranged. She is given a degree of choice in that she can say no to the chap she is introduced to. She has already said no to two and her parents are now getting anxious to see her married and are arranging a third 'meeting'. Sorry for the ramble but I so wish I could do something but my son says there isn't - it's just a waiting game. I think the hardest part of all for me is that I don't understand but maybe that is because I don't truly understand the depth of importance on some traditions in other cultures Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mundia Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Hi Geraldine, I think you raise an interesting dilemma, one which many families where there are huge cultural/linguistic/religious differences between couples, may face from time to time. I recall a very close friend of mine many years ago in a very similar position, eventually they had to go and marry, assume new identities and consequently her family never saw them ever again. I think at some point, this girl will have to consider telling her parents, not all families have the extremes that I have mentioned above. By not telling them, and writing them out of her life, she will never truly know if they could ever accept things the way they are. By telling them, at some point when she feels it is right to, she will at least know for sure, and it will be their doing and not hers (by that I mean, they will be making the decision to reject her or not as part of their family, but they may also in time come round and accept him as part of their family). It would also be a shame for them to spend the rest of their lives worrying about who sees them in public, or finds out about them. There is a support group for exactly this situation but I cant for the life of me think of the name.. and it might help both your son and prospective Din L to speak to others in similar circumstances. It may be that more families come round because they don't want to lose part of their family, even if the road is tough for a while. If I can get to the name of this support, I will let you know. Perhaps we have members here in this position who may be able to offer some more practical advice.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Dear Geraldine I have no great words of advice. But I couldn't possibly just read and run, I too have 'grown up sons' and so maybe, just maybe I have some understanding of how you are feeling. Really hope that someone has something much more helpful to say. Just sending a virtual hug. Sunnyday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panders Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 You know Geraldine, I think you are already doing the most you can, - you are being supportive and offering a place where your son and his lovely girl can spend time together without fear. they are able to talk to you and relieve the burden that they carry and know that whatever may happen in the future, they will continue to have the love of a family around them one way or another. The sadness for the happy couple having to live with such an intense atmosphere comes through your words and we can only hope that they can get to share a happy life together somehow. Big hugs Geraldine - let us hope that there is a positive solution soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue R Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Dear Geraldine, You have been such a huge support for me recently that it breaks my heart to read your message. I cannot really help as I have no experience of this, but rest assured you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. You are, as has been said, doing all the right things, I'm sure. I really hope your son and his lady will have a happy ending to all this - hopefully not too far away! Sue (((xxx))) PS sorry about timing of my PM!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 How terrible for you and of course for your son and his girlfriend. Sorry nothing to help just wishes for a happy ending x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narnia Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Geraldine, I have two experiences on this sunject......................the first is this: my beloved second son who can be aba bsolute b*&%er at times, but whom I love to distraction for his honesty and wisdom, had his heart badly broken a couple of years ag by a girlfriend who decided, on christmas eve, of all times, to tell him it was over.He was devastated,had a severe bout of depression, so severe that I kept expecting the police to knock at my door to tell me to come and identify his remains.Honestly, that bad.But, he got through it.He has now met a gril from New York, who makes his heart sing.........the joy on his face when he talks about her, is immeasurable, and makes me burst to see it. She is of Vietnamese family, her parents have only the one child, and she is adored, their 'princess'.they are also a Catholic family, and fully expected their daughter to marry someone from their own culture, and, more importantly to them, their own faith. My son has spoken to them, and flies out to America to meet them, for christmas...........her father has bought the ticket and extended a welcome to meet 'the man who fills my daughter with joy'...........My son, in his honesty has told them, quite frankly, that he has no faith, whatsoever.He lives his life as honestly as he can, and tries always to tell the truth, even when his view is unpopular.I hope and pray that this family will accept him as the wonderful human being that he is, irrespective of his country of birth, or his lack of religious conviction. I sent a birthday gift and card to his girlfriend, and received a card back from her, which read 'thankyou for giving X to me, I promise to look after him and love him always'. Fantastic. I know this will work! The second experience i have, is one of good friends, he is white,English and she is Indian...........two of the most genuine, lovely people i know.Her family were SO against the relationship that she was locked in their house to keep her away from him.Horrendous really.............BUT, love finds a way.He arranged a van and went to 'rescue her' as they put it, from her family.He did a great job, got all her stuff and took her off.......................and married her.Now, as he puts it, her family were horrified,BUT they had to accept the fait accomplis............and now, he is an adored member of their family! They have children and are ecstatically happy and he is fully accepted by the whole extended family.I know this might be rare, but it shows it can work? I hope your beloved son finds happiness xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Geraldine your message is heartbreaking. Some people go through life never having found the love they deserve and other people find that when they do fall in love there are strings attached. I think you are providing your son and his girlfriend just what they need at the moment: unquestioning support and love in what is a very unhappy situation. When they are brave enough to tell her parents of their relationship they'll need your support all the more, and I think they are lucky to know that you are there for them, no matter what. I can't offer any support or advice but I just wanted to say what a lovely mum you are. Take care Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Reading these posts with tears in my eyes. Geraldine as everyone says you are doing everything you can to help your son and his lady. I hope and pray and will keep everything crossed that everything works out for them; and you never know her family may just be as understanding and lovely as you in the end. Big hugs to you all! x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmajess Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I just wanted to send my love and best wishes that this all works out happily soon. I haven't got any experience of similar situations, so can't help at all, but your story made me so sad, I wanted to send my love. You are being a lovely mum and your son and his girlfriend are truly blessed to have such a wonderful person in their family. Emmax Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Thank you soooooooooo much for your messages I knew I could rely on you lot I am as sure as we can be about these things that my son and his girlfriend will make a life together - she is prepared to pay what I believe is a 'high price' of alienating herself from her family but as I said to them the other day it isn't her that's doing the alienating it's her parents and that's their choice. In the future children are on the horizon ( a granny!!! me a granny!!!! :wacko: ) and I just hope by then her parents will 'come round' and if they don't then they reckon she will receive enough love and support from us. I live in hope that my sons story has the happy ending in Narnia's second example Many many thanks again and I am relieved that noone has said 'Oh you twit you should have done ....' nice to know there isn't something I am missing Oh and Happymaz - your lovely mum comment brought tears to my eyes - thankyou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Geraldine, nothing to add Im afraid but a wish that this gril's parents will prefer to see her happily married to the man she loves and come around. Your son and his lady will need to be certain that they are strong enough to cope should the outcome be as bad as they fear but they will never know for certain until they or she tells her parents. Good luck to them and to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacquieL Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I've nothing much to add to what has already been said, but love should find a way should it not? In the meantime you couldn't be a better or more supportive Mum to these two young people who are finding obstacles in their way. I hope all will be resolved soon and wish you well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 oh bless Geraldine how heartbreaking..... all you can do is keep supporting the both of them - sending you lots of hugs and fingers crossed it all works out for them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I wish I could help I really do but I have no experience to offer, you have always been such a support to me that I wanted to send you my hopes and wishes that things work out the well for your son and his love. This is the third thing that has brought tears to my eyes this evening andI'm not that prone to them! Very best wishes coming your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Hi, nothing really to add that hasn't already been said. Sending you all my support and thoughts. Keep us up to date with how things are going, please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Geraldine, as another mum of grown-up sons, my heart goes out to you. I truly hope there is a happy solution for your son and his girl friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) aaaw I don't really know what to say except I am sending all of my love to you....what a difficult situation...so horrible to carry this worry with you....you are a truely wonderful, caring and loving mum all you can do is keep being that....lots of love to you.... : Please do keep us all up to date it will help you to have as much support as you can..... Edited November 28, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Geraldine they are both very lucky to be getting so much love and support from you. I grew up with a friend who was expected to take an arranged marriage and got very close to doing so at one point. I was also in the position of offering a safe meeting place for them and I know how much they appreciated it. Their story had a happy ending because when she eventually found the courage to tell her parents they were much more understanding than she expected. He was not from a totally different culture in the way that your son is but the difference was enough to be a very large hurdle for them. They realised how much the couple meant to each other and after some thought gave them their blessing. They now have two gorgeous children. All I can say is that I hope your son's girlfriend will be able to offer her parents this opportunity. Arranged marriages are usually planned with the hope that the couple will go on to live a happy and fulfilled life together. Maybe when they see the potential for her to do this with your son they will come around to the idea. I really hope this all works out happily in the end. Whatever happens you can rest assured that you have done the very best you can. Please let us know how it goes in the long run. I for one will be wondering until I hear. xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posy Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Dear Geraldine, two thoughts Every love story deserves a happy ever after. When things hurt our children the pain is unbearable (worse than child birth!) Keeping everything crossed for you, don't sadly have anything more constructive to say love Posy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dublinbay Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 What a dilemma for you and your family Geraldine. I wanted to add my support and love to you with the assurance that there isn't much more that you can do other than continue to love your son and his girl and hope and pray that the situation will change. Many, many hugs to you all. I pray that there will be a happy ending....that's all that we wish for our children isn't it. Take care and do let us know how things go won't you. Miriam xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Hi Geraldine, I think you raise an interesting dilemma, one which many families where there are huge cultural/linguistic/religious differences between couples, may face from time to time. Hi Geraldine Your message brought tears to my eyes too - the pain you are experiencing is tangible. I too have two sons - and a daughter (all in their late twenties). All three have had long term girl/boyfriends from different cultural backgrounds in the past few years. As you did, Geraldine, I raised our children to be inclusive and accepting of others' faiths and customs. However, this acceptance has not always been reciprocated, either for religious, cultural or other reasons, and I have had to watch each one of them suffer broken hearts and expectations. As has been said, the pain of watching your children get so terribly hurt is almost unbearable. If their love is strong and can survive the hurdles to come, your son and his girlfriend will come through stronger and that will be fantastic. If not, then he knows he will have a wonderful, caring and loving supportive mum to be there for him. Do let us know how things go. Thank you so much for sharing this. Lesley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Isn't it great that you (we) all feel able to share these things on here!? Hoping "Love conquers all!" Nona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Geraldine, I don't have anything constructive to add in the way of advice but just wanted to extend some hugs your way. You are such a wonderful mum to your sons. Carry on listening and supporting them through what may well be a traumatic and upsetting time for them. I sincerely hope that her family will eventually accept your son into their family. The important thing is that they know there will always be somewhere for them to go to, as a safe haven from the stresses around them. xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 :wacko: :rolleyes: :unsure: Her parents have met my son AND THEY LIKE HIM it's a very small step towards what we hope will be a great outcome. They do not know that he is in a relationship with their daughter he was introduced as a 'friend' and was made welcome Not there yet but a step in the right direction and a great start to the New Year Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Oh it really is! Now they can really get to know him properly without a 'blinkered' approach to his relationship with their daughter! Great start to the year Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panders Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 That's good news Geraldine! Slowly does it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Great news--small steps maybe but good ones. Hope all continues to go well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Brilliant news I know I don't techniquley (can't spell) know anyone on here but I feel I know so much about you all, and this news has geniunely (spelling, again! it's late ) made me happy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Fab news Geraldine - I hope its a positive sign for the future and a genuine step in the right direction! Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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