Guest Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Hi all, I don't post very often and this is my first personal post, but I have witnessed the help and support given by you all to others and I don't know where else to turn at the moment. The issues is with my 11 year old son, he is one of twins and is severely dyslexic. School as you can imagine has always been a challenge, he does has a statement for 15 hrs, but as he is in yr6 the pressure is building. His behavior has recently become very temperamental and the whole family feels they are walking on eggshells. He has episodes of extreme emotional disturbances, he will throw things scream and shout and has even been violent towards me. A fortnight ago however things took a turn for the worse and he started trying to hurt himself, in an episode that lasted 3hrs. The following day we went to GP and she has referred him to Family Solutions but so far we have heard nothing. Sunday night we had a repeat of this with another episode of him self harming lasting for around 3hrs again. This always happens on a Sunday night i.e. before going back to school As a mum I don't know what to do to help him, and as a family this is tearing us apart, this is all particularly distressing for his twin brother who is struggling to cope. I'm not sure what I am expecting, but any advice or support would be gratefully received Karen x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hi Karen I'm not sure what kind of agency Family Solutions is, but from the sounds of things your son and the whole family are in urgent need of support not only to get through this crisis but also to tackle the issues underlying it. If you would like to talk to someone now, Parentline (now called Family Lives, I think) have a 24 hour manned helpline who will be able to provide support and advice - their number is 0808 800 2222. Do you have contact numbers for the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service? I'm not sure if you can self-refer or need a referral from your GP, but it might be worth ringing in the morning to check. I'd also be inclined to get an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow if you can to explain how things have escalated for your son - you can't really afford to sit in a waiting list for his name to come to the top. Have you dealt with your local Parent Partnership? They can be incredibly skilled at helping to resolve issues connected with a child's additional needs, especially in ensuring the child's rights are being upheld and that families are receiving all the support they need. Your local authority will have an Educational Welfare Officer and it might be worth talking to this person also, given that the extreme distress leading to your son's self-harming behaviour is stemming from issues at school. I'm not sure if that helps much, but I really hope you get some support both for your son and the whole family. He must be in such pain, and so must you as you try to support him through it. Take care, and come back here and let us know how things are going. The very least we can do for you is provide a safe haven where you can offload your worries and feelings. Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredbear Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hi i am so sorry to hear of your distress as a family at the moment and the urgent need for support at this time. It is certainly worth contacting the Child and Adolescent Mental Health advisory team. I recently had to do this for a family friemds 16 year old son who is going through the same thing of self-harming at the moment. I also contacted a support group for help,as this person was 16 years old he had to agree to support, but as your son is eleven you are able to refer directly. Please let us know how things are going for you all and sending love and hugs x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dublinbay Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I just wanted to add my support to you and your family Karen. I hope today brings you a step closer to the help you and your little boy need. Take care xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucie Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Excellent advice so far, I just wanted to ask whether you have spoken to the school? I say this from the 'teachers perspective' if you like and know that if this were someone in my class it is always better to have talked through the problems that are happening at home so that I have a full picture of the person I am trying to teach and can support them effectively. (of course it may be that the school is already fully involved ) I would recommend CAMHS and make sure that whilst dealing with this you all get the support you need including your other son. Please keep us informed and I hope you get some urgent help Lucie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) Oh Karen I really feel for you. watching your son in this much distress must be tearing you apart. I don't know what family solutions is and I know that provision for mental health in children varies widely around the country but I think CAMHS is the service you need your son to be referred to. I would go back and see your GP as a matter of urgency. I perhaps would go alone so that I could speak freely. GPs are generally receptive to this. Being realistic nobody is going to step in during the next couple of days and sort this out for you so you need to manage the situation as best you can in the meantime. The fact that this self-harming is happening is a really strong indication that he is finding school very hard and the way your post is written seems to acknowledge this. This self-harm is his way of communicating his distress possibly because he doesn't know how else to do it. You need to phone and make an appointment to see the school SENCo and his tutor/classteacher. When you meet them you need to make it clear that in some way his needs aren't being met and that they need to make adjustments to help him. Ask them for ideas of what it might be and also ensure that they understand that he may be distressed in school without outwardly showing any sign. Make notes of the meeting in case you need them later on. As already mentioned, your local Parent Partnership service could be very helpful and make suggestions of ways you can ask the school to act along with other agencies you could approach for support. You also need to find a way to open up a channel of communication with your son. This isn't a good thing to do when he's upset on a Sunday night. Choose a calm time and find an activity where you are alone with him and have unlimited time and peace to talk. Shoulder to shoulder, rather than face to face activities are better because they remove the pressure of eye contact and make long silences much more acceptable. Driving, walking, making something, painting a room, gardening, a meal out together,... whatever suits the two of you. You need to make it very clear to him that you are on his side and will do what it takes to sort out whatever is upsetting him. If you can get him to talk openly that is great but you may need to find other channels for him to use. Suggest he can use emails to you, texts, written notes, pictures, messages via a sibling or grandparent, a video or anything else that he could feel comfortable to use. Acknowledge that he may not have a clear picture himself but talking things through might help it to become clearer. I asked one of my girls to design her perfect school and the result was very illuminating because, amongst other things, she was the only child in it. Whatever he tells you take it seriously and offer to bring it up with the school on his behalf. Acknowledge that it may be a long process but that you will stay on his side, working to make school better for him. Having been through something similar (but not quite the same) last year I'm happy to chat if you want to PM me. Edited March 22, 2011 by Upsy Daisy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Oh Karen, you must be so worried. I can only send hugs, no advice. I hope you manage to get things sorted for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 How awful for you. Could you possibly ask your son whether he would like some time off school? To my mind if school is causing him to harm himself, this is an illness that needs treating by a professional child psychologist. I'm not sure most schools or teachers are set up to deal with such a complex situation. Perhaps a time out of school would help, he may be feeling particularly pressured as SATs are in the air and may have been mentioned at school. Sending (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Oh bless you I am so sorry and hope you manage to get help quickly (hugs) x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Sending big virtual hugs to you all Some good advice has been offered already but I wondered if another source of help might be the NSPCC their Helpline on 0808 800 5000 is manned by trained people who may be able to offer you some impartial advice. I do empathise with your lack of immediate action from your GP, I think it is fair to say many GP's struggle with mental health issues. Will your son talk to his twin at all? Must be a balancing act trying to get him to talk so you can try and help but not put too much responsibility on his twin brother who may not know how to cope with the feelings your son is going through. I am sure your head will be spinning but it is helpful I think to get advice form a variety of sources and then hopefully you can pick out the common theme so here are a few links to other places that might help; Kidsbehaviour Royal College of Psychiatrists. Teachernet thesite.org Hope you get the help you all need fast and special wishes to your son Sue x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 I havent anything else to add except my acknowledgemnet of how this must be making you feel and hope that this resolves itself for you all soon. Or at least that you can access some specialist help. Talking will help and will probably be the theraputic route but you need to look at how this issues will be addressed in the future as I am sure you are aware. Year 6 can be particlarly stressful and I think I would be looking at keeping my son at home if at all possible, nothing is worth the mental anguish that he is experiencing and looking for adequate support and understanding in his next school--this will also be playing on his mind, I expect. Big hugs and good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Karen, I've been giving this a bit of thought. I don't know what the school system is in your area but I know that in some area children move to secondary at the end of Year 6. If this is the case for your son the transition could be looming very large for him just now. You need to meet with the SENCo from the new school along with the one from his current school and agree a comprehensive plan to ensure his needs are fully met at this difficult time. He needs to know how he will be supported in the new environment and it's never too soon to start reassuring him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristina Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hi Just wanted to say I have a daughter who is dyslexic and I can honestly say year 6 was really hard going! She always felt that she couldn't cope (still have this now!) and I can remember the sats/moving to secondary school where a real issue for her as she hates change in any way shape or form! Once we knew which secondary school she was going to we spoke to them on numerous occassions so she new in advance simple things like who her form tutor would be, would anyone from her previous school be in her form class. Simple things that to her made a big difference, even now if there is going to be a change in routine I always make sure I make the time to explain what's changing and why. Really don't know if this is connected to dyslexia or not, and not sure if I've been any help either! Hope everything starts to sort itself out for you all. Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 How heartbreaking!! The National Self Harm Network http://www.nshn.co.uk "supports individuals who self harm to reduce emotional distress and to improve their quality of life and supports and provides information for family and carers of individuals who self harm" I hope someone there can help you all. Nona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wellerkaren Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Sorry I can not offer and support but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug ((((hug))) I hope you get the help and support you need for you and your family. I would add that when my son started year 7 his school has a transition 7 class which was smaller and was able to help him ajust to school and help him with his dyslexia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 More hugs from me, to you and your family. Some excellent suggestions. All I can add is to revisit things that help him relieve tension - does he like sport, or baking bread can be great becuase you can thump it all about until you have let it all out, then have the lovely warm bread smell to calm you down. Or yoga can work well for some people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Hi Karen - some wonderful advice already.....I have nothing useful to add.......just wanted to send hugs x 2, that's one for you and one for your little boy xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the replies, I am following up some of the advice and some we have tried already. Quick update, spoke to the GP she has made the referral to Family Solutions (who are linked to our local CAMHS) and is now chasing why we haven't heard anything. He didn't go to school today said he had stomach ache, I'm not so sure; if not then I am even more worried as despite everything he always wants to go to school. He has spent the last 2 nights in mine and dads bed, again not the norm he is 11. Haven't spoke to the school this week but we do regularly meet, just feels there are a lot of empty promises and nothing much happens in practice. Will arrange meeting for thursday when Hubby is off. Seriously considering my options at the moment, whether I should give up work and college and keep him at home, I am so confused!!! Thank you again for your support and I will report back any updates as they happen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 It sounds like you have got things well in hand. Don't allow the school to keep fobbing you off with false promises. I've been there and learned the hard way that you sometimes have to be prepared to make yourself very unpopular to get the right provision for your child. Think very hard about keeping him at home if by that you mean taking him off the school role. Once you've done that the LA have no duty to give him or you any support in terms of his education. Whilst he is on role, if he can't attend school they have a duty to provide him with some home tutoring. It isn't a lot but it is worthwhile. He is entitled to this if you can get a medical professional to agree that his well-being would be compromised by being made to attend school. If he stays off school for more than a few days make sure you keep the school informed by email or letter of what you are doing to remedy the situation and include what you are expecting them to do too. Constantly tell them how keen you are to get him the help he needs to be able to return. Also find out who the Education Welfare Officer is and send copies of correspondence to them. Good luck. I really hope you get some answers about all of this soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SazzJ Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 Some excellent advice already given but don't want to read and run. Sending virtual hugs xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 It sounds like you have got things well in hand. Don't allow the school to keep fobbing you off with false promises. I've been there and learned the hard way that you sometimes have to be prepared to make yourself very unpopular to get the right provision for your child. Think very hard about keeping him at home if by that you mean taking him off the school role. Once you've done that the LA have no duty to give him or you any support in terms of his education. Whilst he is on role, if he can't attend school they have a duty to provide him with some home tutoring. It isn't a lot but it is worthwhile. He is entitled to this if you can get a medical professional to agree that his well-being would be compromised by being made to attend school. If he stays off school for more than a few days make sure you keep the school informed by email or letter of what you are doing to remedy the situation and include what you are expecting them to do too. Constantly tell them how keen you are to get him the help he needs to be able to return. Also find out who the Education Welfare Officer is and send copies of correspondence to them. Good luck. I really hope you get some answers about all of this soon. Excellent advice from Upsy (as always!) Our G.P. offered to write a sick note for my daughter when she was in Y6........ The Head Teacher was horrified and things soon got sorted without it Apparently school can not "cover up" absences or pass them off as anything other than being caused by stress if a note is issued. It might be that in your son's case it would add emphasis to the urgency of the referrals made? Nona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Well we have made it to the end of the week, just! It's been quite turbulent to say the least, there have been many dark moments; like when I phoned family solutions on Wednesday to here they had never received a referral for my son, so I had to phone GP surgery and give them the correct fax number for the referral myself. Then some highs; heard from family solutions the same day referral was eventually received, followed by low again as I was told of a 6-8 week waiting list argh . Work told me to take the rest of the week off on Wednesday, went I popped in to sort cover for myself again that morning, and I am really grateful to have such a supportive staff and chair. On Wednesday evening me and DH went to see my minister and his wife (trained counseller, specialising in self-harm) this was really helpful and they gave us lots of support and advice which we have been following up this week, no breakthroughs yet but there is a little hope. Today we had a meeting at school with Head, SENCo, class teacher and 1-1 support, great turnout but not much gained really. School said 'he's doing really well here' and don't acknowledge that school is causing the stress and think it may be more about son needing to control emotions and anger management aarrgghh . Still on a positive we have some fun family activities organised for the weekend, son rides moto x bikes so taking him and twin to do that tomorrow , and Sunday after Church off to the coast for lunch and to fly a kite yippee . Let's hope next week is a positive one. Thanks for being there Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Thanks for the update and your weekend plans sound great....just what you all need. Mixed bag this week then, interesting response from the school.......I hope the Family solutions can help you with some advise re anger management etc. Young boys do have raging testosterone and I know my son around years 6,7,8 was tricky at times but now in year 12 is a different chap. Keep us posted and will keep sending positive vibes for your forthcoming week. Sue x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted April 7, 2011 Share Posted April 7, 2011 Hi Just wondered how you were, hope things are getting better for you all. Sue x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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