HappyMaz Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) So it seems like only yesterday that I was making my 4,000th post and here I am making my 5,000th! I've been thinking and thinking about how to use it (have you noticed how quiet I've been?). Mrs Weasley suggested I use it to tell you all how wonderful she is - but then you are all aware that she is as wonderful as she is modest. I wanted to counteract the general doom and gloom that's around at the moment and so I thought of setting a light hearted question (but one that doesn't include bras, mummyspud!). Then this morning inspiration struck in the form of Terry Wogan. Apparently there had been an accident this morning involving a lorry load of hay being shed on the carriageway. Some wag had texted in to say that the driver of the lorry had been arrested at the scene but had later been baled. Geddit? So this is my challenge to you - what is your favourite silly joke? To be really good it has to be worthy of Beau's groaning smiley (which got an outing recently in honour of my mandarin quip for Chinese New Year). I should stress that this is not a competition - but they say laughter is the best sort of medicine, so hopefully this will be a long and positive thread! Looking forward to laughing with you... Maz Edited January 31, 2009 by HappyMaz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 According to todays news Pedigree Chum has hit trouble in todays financial market, they had to call in the retrivers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 OK, this is really bad but the little girl I look after tells it all the time: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side... Why did the duck cross the road? It was following the chicken... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplewednesday1 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 A very surreal joke ... "What's the difference between a fish?" Not sure I understand either Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wolfie Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) I'm useless at remembering jokes so am using the latest one to be texted to me! A man sees an advert in a pet shop - "Talking centipede - £5000" He buys it and takes it home in a small box. After about 30 minutes he opens the box and askes the centipede if he would like to go for a pint. The centipede doesn't answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats the question. Still no answer. Getting angry, thinking that he's been had, he shouts the question at the centipede. At this point, the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says "I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!" Well I think it's funny! Edited January 29, 2009 by Wolfie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 My husband loves the one - What's brown and sticky? (A stick) One of my favourites Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 According to todays news Pedigree Chum has hit trouble in todays financial market, they had to call in the retrivers! ......................at first they tried gambling some shares but didn't winalot! Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 A very surreal joke ... "What's the difference between a fish?" Not sure I understand either What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 This is from my 7 yr old grandson. I wanted a WII but my mum bought me the latest upgrade......it's called a poo!! Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 "What's the difference between a fish?" Well if we're talking surreal, here's one of my all time favourites (although actually its a series). For this I've learned how to 'insert spoiler'... just highlight the black box for the answers... What's white and swings through the jungle? A fridge. What's blue and white and swings through the jungle? A fridge wearing a denim jacket. What's white, wears a red top yellow checked trousers and swings through the jungle? Rupert the fridge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 P.S. CONGRATULATIONS HAPPYMAZ, 5000 most often very witty, and also often very helpful, thought provoking,, sometimes constuctively devils advocate (from the others point of view perspective) VERY READABLE posts. Now if chat log in's were counted too, you migt have even beat my posts score. Seriously, in my eyes, you are a very very valuable and valued participant of the forum and just as nice in real life too. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Seriously, in my eyes, you are a very very valuable and valued participant of the forum and just as nice in real life too. Aww shucks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 First thing this morning there was a tap on my door........................................ ................................. my plumber has a strange sense of humour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorna Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Good thread like this. Heard this one on the radio the other morning... What do you call a policeman that knows 500 tunes? An iplod . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 (from hubby) A tall lady walked past my window last night, I knew she was tall because I was upstairs at the time.......she rolled her eyes at me, so I rolled them back. What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper Peggy ...and thanks HappyMaz, I've now learnt a new techy skill, I wonder where the name 'spoiler' comes from though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 I wonder where the name 'spoiler' comes from though. Here is my guess. Perhaps it was used to enable people to choose not to see particular information so as not to spoil the plot of a film or tv programme? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie-pops Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?? You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!! Hmmmmmmmmmm! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 (edited) Here's the joke that makes me laugh the most.. Right so there's a tribe in the jungle, who consider farting after every meal a big compliment to the wives who have cooked their meal. But one day the Chief is having problems farting. So he sends his servant to the doctors to see what the doctor can do. The servant goes in and says "Big chief, no fart" and so the doctor gives him a pill to take. A couple of days later, the chief still cannot fart, and sends the servant back to the doctors. The servant goes to see the doctor and says "Big chief still no fart" and the doctor gives him 4 pills to take. Again, a few days later he still can't fart and so sends the servant back to the doctors. The servant goes in and says "Big chief, still no fart" and the doctor gives him 8 pills. This goes on for a few months, and in the end the servant is sent away with a truck load* of pills. The servant comes back the next day to the doctor and says: "Big fart, No chief!!" :wacko: *Not sure why they've got a truck if they live in the jungle? But hey ho! Edited January 29, 2009 by MrsWeasley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist, who had prepared carefully for weeks, completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career." :wacko: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennyjenkinz Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 this has been my fav joke for years...it's short enough for me to remember what do you call a 3 legged donkey? A wonkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 what do you call a 3 legged donkey? A wonkey Now that is genius! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 excellent only one i know that my kids groan about... what do you called a one eyed dinosaur??????????????????? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - adouthinkhesawus sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 TEACHER: Jack, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? JACK: No, sir. It's the same dog. sorry! mrsW On a serious note, keep up the good work HappyMaz. KEEP POSTING. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 One I like... A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word ’fascinate.’" Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ’fascinate’, so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. This reminded me of our Science lessons in year 10!! A group of us sat at the back and we played this game, but the teacher caught onto it and split us all up! Even moved some of us into separate classes. But we got around her attempt to rid her lessons of our game! We'd put the bluetooth on our phones on, and bluetooth notes to each other. Basically, we'd set each other challenges, things to say/do. We had a great time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 MrsWeasley - dont let your mother hear that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacquieL Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 When my little sister started school she came home with her first joke Why was the office floor wet? Cos the typist When Mum had picked herself out of the neighbours hedge, Jo asked 'Why is it funny Mummy?' Now that was when we laughed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Mary and Bert, an old married couple make a pledge that whoever dies first will come back to let the other one know if there is an afterlife After a long life Bert passes away....... 'Mary, Mary' 'Is that you Bert'? 'Yes, Mary' 'So what's it like' 'Well I get up, have sex, eat breakfast and then off to the golf course' 'After lunch I usually have sex again, lay in the sun for most of the afternoon' 'Eat dinner then it's sex for most of the evening and into the night' 'The next day it starts all over again' 'Oh Bert you surely must be in heaven' 'Well not excactly................. I'm a rabbit in Suffolk! Sunnyday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue R Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 this has been my fav joke for years...it's short enough for me to remember what do you call a 3 legged donkey? A wonkey But have you read 'The Wonky Donkey' ? Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.