Needed Somewhere To Share My Thoughts

[Cait]

Oh Nicky, it's just not good, is it. Hopefully it WILL all get better soon, and I wish I had a magic wand for you. Big hugs x

[HappyMaz]

I wish I had a magic wand for you.

Well if anyone deserves the benefits of a magic wand, its you and your family Nicky. Take care and I really hope things get better soon.

 

Maz

[redbase]

Hi Nicky

I have only just read about the difficult time you are going through and can identify with those feelings of uselessness as I had the same feelings last year. You won't turn that corner until you have left work behind and your school has been VERY naughty in contactong you and putting you under pressure when you have been signed off. Hopefully after Monday when you hand over your stuff you will be able to start to feel that relief you so desperately need.

I remember people saying to me don't resign as I could see no way out other than that and Although I didn't believe at the time that I could do the job anymore I did take that advice and went to the docs. It took me 4 months to get better and i didn't feel guilty because i was realised i was not well and i soon knew i needed the time to get myself back to normal. My doc told me that it had probably taken months for me to get so low and hence it would take months to get better.

I have stayed at the same school and have same challenges and am loving my job again despite many difficulties.

What I want to say is that Keep listening to those you love and trust. They will take care of you and help you through. The darkness and despair will lift and little by little things will get brighter and more managable.

You are a very brave lady to share with others and you are an inspiration to us all.

Keep writing and talking about your feelings

 

Redbase

[Guest]

Oh Nicky PLEASE try and focus on what you are doing so well - supporting your daughters and their Dad - and worry less about school. They really shouldn't be expecting or asking as much of you as they are.

 

It's taken months for things to get you so rundown and there isn't going to ba a magic cure overnight. Rest and the removal of any additional stress will make a big difference.

 

Your hubby sounds great, bless him, and you can vent on here anytime, remember........

 

YOU'RE DOING GREAT!!

 

Nona X

[JacquieL]

I hope all is well with you Nicky and you are not worrying about school but spending some time taking care of yourself. I just thought I'd post so that you know you are being thought about.

[Guest]

Hi,

Just a quick update and wanted to again say thank you for all your support and positive comments and thoughts. Some of the week was better and by Wednesday I was beginning to feel a lot better but then started getting texts from a colleague which completely scared me and back to being shaky, tearful etc. It was so silly and was all because she asked me to lend her a book about foundation profile which I had at home. I sent it ion only to get a text from her apologising because the deputy head saw my husband take it in and then went and removed the book from her and my colleague implied that I hadn't given her various pieces of paper which I know I gave her in Sept.

So trying hard to ignore texts or calls from this colleague and haven't heard from the headteacher or recieved a document she said she was going to send me last week.

Ex-husband not had a good week adn the hospital are concerned that his leg isn't healing despite the second operation and want to change his tablets but that could have an impact on all other medical issues so no further forward than he was last week. The girls have been more tearful and clingy this week and are starting to question why does he have to be so ill and in hospital. Which is tough to answer as there are no answers just that the hospital are trying their best to look after him and to help him be in less pain.

 

Seeing a life-coach on Monday to start to talk about the way forward for me and to find some strategies to help me cope with everything so will see how that goes.On a positve note saw my Dad and my step-mum yesterday who were lovely and very suppotive so that made a good distraction for the girls.

Seeing my GP again on 17th to review how I am feeling but the thought of school at the moment just terrifies me and makes me feel ill again.

 

Thanks again for your support, positive words and prayers

 

Nicky Sussex

[Susan]

Hi Nicky, good to hear from you and that there are glimmers of light at the end of your tunnel. Please do not worry about school, you are obviously not ready to take that step yet.

 

love to all.

[Guest]

Thank you for the update. Good to hear from you and good to hear that you are being positive. I'm sure that seeing a life coach will be a huge help.

 

Thinking of you and your family,

 

ppp

[Panders]

Hi Nicky, thanks for the up-date - good to learn that part off your week had good bits in it - but particularly the support from your family. I can't imagine how difficult it is to comfort your daughters at this time, especially when your ex-husband's case is so complex. More hugs on their way to you all.

[Guest]

Glad to hear that you're feeling a little brighter and that school (well some of them!) are backing off and giving you the rest you need.

 

Hopefully, the life coach will offer you some coaching strategies and they'll benefit you and your daughters, who I'm sure are picking up on the anxieties all around them.

 

Keep your chin up, keep plodding on - one day at a time - and fingers crossed, there'll be good news from the hospital soon.

 

Thinking of you Nicky and sending good wishes to you all.

 

Nona

[Guest]

Hi,

The life coach meeting was helpful and going to see her again next Monday and started to do some of the things she and I talked about.

 

Girls very tearful this week and seem to be getting more tearful, clingy etc. Haven't told them but not good news from the hospital, their dad has been moved into intensive care because of the infection in his leg. He is conscious and awake most of the time but not at all well. We were planning to take girls down to visit last Sunday but decided that there was no way we can do that until he is out of Intensive care as to see him in there would just add to the girls fears. Younger daughter keeps asking to see him and to visit but we have said that there are soem very poorly people near him at the moment and that when he moves wards again then we will visit.

The more time I spend at home the more I am realising how little I am missing all the hassle and stress from school and also how much time I am missing in the gilrs lives when I am teaching full time so will be discussing that with life coach soon and trying to find a way forward. Not sure yet what the solution is but every time i think about school I start to feel sick, panicky and shaky again so trying hard not to think about it.

 

Thanks again for your support and encouragement

 

Nicky Sussex

[Upsy Daisy]

Hi Nicky,

 

You are doing so well. I'm very familiar with the feeling of needing to stay strong for everyone else but beginning to wonder how long you can carry on doing it.

 

You've done the right thing to take time off work and if thinking about school makes you feel ill then just shut it away at the back of your mind and forget about it. They'll be fine without you and your family responsibilities are massively more important.

 

If you haven't already done so I would get a bit of advice about taking your daughters to visit their dad. They may be creating far more upsetting scenes in their imaginations than the real one would be even if he is very ill. I'm not saying that they should visit but I think you need to speak to the nursing staff, your GP or your children's own nurse to be sure that it's the right thing to do.

 

When you're ready you can use this as an opportunity to take stock of your life and decide if you need to make long term changes.

 

In the meantime look after yourself as well as your children. They are lucky to have a mum who is so caring and committed to them.

 

Take one day at a time and accept all the help that's offered. You deserve it.

 

Keep us informed won't you?

 

xx

[HappyMaz]

Nicky it is really good to hear that you're beginning to think about your future and what you want out of life for you and your girls.

 

So sorry to hear that their dad's recovery isn't progressing as well as hoped - I really hope he'll be out of intensive care soon.

 

Take care of yourselves.

 

Maz

[Guest]

Nicky - Well Done You!

 

You've made a bold and brave decision to take time away from school and look long and hard at your life with the life coach. It's never easy is it? yet you've already acted on some of the things you've discussed! I think I'd still be in bed with the duvet over my head!

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Upsy Daisy - if thinking of school makes you sick and panicky then don't think about it. Put that on hold until you see your Coach again.

 

Definitely think it's worth seeking advice on how to handle your daughters fears, too - I'm sure the hospital staff will have experience of similar situations and may be able to offer support.

 

Sending lots of good wishes,

 

Nona

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear that the girl's dad isn't any better at all. At least work is finally backing off since they shouldn't be contacting you at all. If your collegue conntinues to harrass you then please do get someone to tell her to stop as she shouldn't be doing it at all and you don't need extra hassle right now.

 

I think Upsy Daisy is right though, please do get some advice about your girls visiting their father. They could be conjuring up things far worse in their imaginations and seeing him will at least allow them to fear the known, rather than the unknown. As adults we know that facing our fears is the way to get them under control and although a parent's instinct is to protect their children from their fears perhaps seeing him and seeing the situation for themselves is what they need, even at such a young age.

 

A little girl in my class had her mother die recently of cancer and one of the thoughts upper most in her mind beforehand was the desire to go and visit her mother. A visit reassured her in a way nothing else seemed to, even though her mother would have looked incredibly poorly. For her older brother there was definitely the worry, when he didn't see his mum for a while, that he might not see her "one last time". I know this is a dreadful thing to have to contemplate, and a dreadful thought for you and your girls to deal with, but having seen what they went through I really think it is something important to consider.

 

I hope and pray that everything works out for you and that their dad pulls through.

[Guest]

Hi,

Thanks again for your support. Slightly better news today the hospital have moved my ex-husband out of intensive care and back into a ward so a big step forward. We have talked a lot with the local ambulance crews in the last few days as my husband is Chaplain to them and have asked their advice about visiting. They all felt that to see their father in intensive care could at this point make things much harder for the girls but they offered to visit him if they went to the particular hospital he is in and to then feedback to us. We are now thinking about taking the girls to visit the new ward tomorrow. I think it may calm them a bit to see their dad briefly but I felt that when he was in intensive care there were too many very ill people around him which would have panicked the girls more.

 

I am feeling very tired today but at least the sun was shining for a bit which brightened up the day. Seeing the life coach again on Monday so will see how that goes and also seeing my GP on Wednesday, I hope he will not let me back to work yet as don't feel ready to teach 30 Reception children and deal with everything else that goes with it.

 

Thanks again for the support will let you all know how tomorrow goes but definitely need positive thoughts and prayers for the visit.

 

Nicky Sussex

[sunnyday]

Positive thoughts and prayers are winging their way to you right now.......

[Guest]

Hi Nicky, I hope you managed to take your daughters to visit their Dad today, and that they feel reassured having seen him?

 

Good Luck with the Life Coach tomorrow and as for Wednesday, and seeing your G.P - if you don't feel ready to go back to school then say so and explain why. Your Doctor was very supportive when you first went and I'm sure they won't sign you fit to work until they're sure you are.

 

Take care, keep us posted!

 

Nona x

[Guest]

Hi,

Sadly we were unable to take the girls today as there were 2 major car crashes on the route and no possible diversions. We checked the route before we mentioned it to the girls so plan now is that my husband hopes to pop down tot he hospital in the next few days and see how he is and thne we can arrange when we will take the girls down. We didn't say anything to them about possibility of a visit so at least they weren't expecting it.

Thanks again for positive thoughts and comments please keep thinking of us as feels like we still have a long way to go yet.

 

Nicky Sussex

[redbase]

Glad that you are feeling a bit brighter today, despite the let down of not being able to visit. Will pray that life continues to improve for you and your family.

Sleep tight.

Redbase

[Guest]

Hi,

Just a quick update. I saw the life coach on Monday which was really good and starting to use some of the things we worked on when I start to feel shaky, panicky etc. Seeing her again next Wednesday but have some activities to do before I see her again.

 

Saw my GP on Wednesday and talked about how I am feeling now and how I was feeling. He has signed me off for the next 2 weeks which takes me to the school holidays. But he said that I really need to try to get back to school after the hols or it will become increasingly harder for me to go back. He realises that some days will continue to be harder than others and that schools are not easy places to be but feels that if I don't go back then I may never go back. So I emailed the life coach who said good more time for us to work together and a definite goal to aim for and I felt calmer about it all.

 

Then last night i had a phone call from a colleague who just rang to say hi and have a chat. It was all fine until she talked about school and how awful it is at the moment and how stressed everyone else is. She then said "if you have one millimetre of stress don't come back after the holidays" which has slightly panicked me again. However the rational side of me knows that this colleague is always very negative about school, has major conflict issues with most other staff and is one of my main causes of stress at work. I now need to work on being strong enough to cope with her and all the other things when I go back.

 

My ex-husband is not doing so well again this week but we might take the girls to visit on Sunday. The younger one has been crying again and finding different reasons for coming down at night time and seeking cuddles, reassurance etc. The older one has been very involved in sport relief activities at her school and so that has been a useful distraction. I feel that now he is out of intensive care it might help them both to see him again. The ambulance crew who popped in to see him this week said that although he is very ill he looks ok at the moment so it might be a good time to take them to visit and may reassure them for a bit.

 

Thanks again for your support and positive thoughts

Nicky Sussex

[Guest]

Nicky, good, sensible advice from your G.P. Try not to panic about school, take one day at a time - you may feel a lot stronger and more able to cope after the holidays. Perhaps the G.P. could sign you fit to go back part-time so you can phase yourself back in?

 

As for your colleague!!!? Not the most helpful call she could have made but if you re-read your post you'll see you've answered your own worries and I'm sure the life coach will work on coping strategies with you so you're prepared to go back to school.

 

I hope your ex continues to improve and is well enough for your daughters to visit at the weekend.

 

Take care,

 

Nona

[Upsy Daisy]

Hi Nicky,

 

I just wanted to echo what Nona said. You aren't ready to go back now which is why you've just been signed off again. Hopefully in a months time you'll be a different person with re-charged batteries who is more able to cope with the stresses of work. Try really hard to put school back to the back of your mind. Can you find a way not to answer the phone to well-meaning work colleagues?

 

I also think that going back part-time may well be a good solution for you in the short term at least.

 

Keep up with those activities from the life coach and make sure you find time to do some nice relaxing things as a family. Don't forget to enjoy the here and now with your beautiful girls and your lovely husband.

 

I think of you every now and then and wonder how you're getting on so do keep coming back with these updates.

 

xx

[Guest]

Hi,

 

We still haven't been able to visit the hospital because there was a major setback on Saturday. Whilst dialysing my ex-husband noticed some blood on the floor beside him and then realised it was coming from his leg wound. The operation site had started haemoraging and he was rushed into theatre for an emergency operation as he had lost so much blood. It was an artery that had ruptured and so for a while it was very uncertain whether he would survive. I decided that I wouldn't tell the girls until there was anything definite to say as they couldn't change anything by sitting in tears here (which may sound harsh but I am trying to support them as much as possible and sitting crying and worrying wouldn't have done that at that moment)

 

The operation took a very long time and then he was in recovery for 4 hours as they were unable to control the pain he was in but he survived and yesterday rang to speak to us. The girls were already asleep but we are going to talk to them tonight and explain that we have talked to Daddy and he is ok but not improving as the doctors had hoped at the moment. That hopefully will help them and then we are not telling them anything that is not true.

 

The hospital have advised us to wait a few days before we take the girls down as he is very weak at the moment and also connected to different pain relief machines but he is back on a normal ward. It is so hard to know what to say and to do and I spent most of Saturday night thinking about how I was going to tell the girls if he died in the operating theatre, but at least for the time being we don't have to cross that bridge.

 

We had a phone call from my ex this morning who just needed someone to talk to, my husband spoke with him. Ex was very low and quite frustrated as he had just seen the surgeon who operated on Saturday. The artery that ruptured was part of the new dialysis site and in operating to save his life it is now impossible for that leg to be used for dialysis so the whole process for the last 9 weeks has to be scrapped and they probably won't risk operating on his other leg incase that causes further complications. That means that he has to continue diaylsing through a line in his chest which is not very successful and was the whole point of the original operation.

 

Also had an email from school asking me to suggest a day and time for a meeting as I will have been off work for 21days today and I have to have a Case1 review meeting under the school illness procedure. That email made me feel very panicky but have read a bit about it on the County website and feel slightly calmer about it now. I can take someone with me and so am trying to arrange it so my life coach can attend as she can talk about what we have worked through and that will give a more pro-active opinion of me. The thought of a formal meeting is slightly terrifying but it will be ok. Seeing the life coach again on Wednesday to discuss a strategy and make notes for the meeting.

 

So what a rollercoaster of emotions since Friday afternoon and feeling quite tired and overwhelmed again this afternoon. On a positive note I did manage to attend a first aid training all day yesterday and have regained my Guiding first aid qualification so that was a good distraction apart from lots of the questions seemed to relate to my ex-husbands illness (how do you deal with a fit, diabetes, asthma etc).

 

Thanks for all the positive comments and prayers please keep them up as we definitely need them at the moment.

 

Nicky Sussex

[HappyMaz]

My heart goes out to you all Nicky.

 

However I do detect the signs of a woman making plans and feeling a bit more positive about your own situation which is great to hear. As for your girls, I guess they just need to know what is happening with their Dad (even if at this stage you feel it needs to be an edited version), and to know that you love them and you're there for them. Hopefully they'll be able to see him soon, which will probably cheer their dad up too.

 

Take care of yourselves.

 

Maz

[sunnyday]

Oh goodness Nicky - I really don't know what to say....what a terrible time for you and your family......

 

I think all I can do is promise to keep you in my thoughts and prayers....

 

God Bless

[Guest]

OH MY WORD!!!! Nicky, honey, I really don't know what to say...... what a nightmare!!

 

I'm SO in awe of you and how you are getting through each day and, as Maz says, taking positive steps for your future. And your husband, stepping up to be a "listening ear" for your ex, well, hats off to him, too!

 

I think your decision to shield the girls from the turmoil at the weekend was the right one - though I'm sure you did enough worrying for all of you. They obviously know, and need to know, how serious things are but they are still children and sometimes drip-feeding information is the kindest way.

 

Good thinking, taking your life coach to the meeting at school - she'll bolster your confidence just by her presence and, as you say, will be able to summarise the work you are doing with her.

 

You sound stronger with each post, after you've seen her - do you find the time to re-read your posts I wonder and give yourself a pat on the back for the progress you've made?

 

Let's keep hoping that the 9 weeks of treatment haven't all been in vain after the setback at the weekend. Your ex must be wondering when he's going to get some good luck - I wish him some, soon!

 

You, and all your family, will continue to be in my prayers.

 

Nona X