hali Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 ok girls... dont know who else to turn too!! What do you do/say to your teenages/almost adults who lie to you???????? I am devistated - (silly me) i had a realy good relationship with my (almost 17 yr old son) but all i seem to get is lies (drinking and smoking in past 6 months) - had in depth converstions about why etc ........ promised it would stop or if there were issues we would talk!!!! very silly (well its sounds it now im writing it) but tonight he emptied sugar bowl making his dad and him a cuppa ( i said about it - he swore blind he only added sugar to his dads cuppa) i know different!!! i know this sounds petty and havnt said anything - but when he continually lies about petty things how do i know he will come to me with important issues or not lie about them either!!! sorry but dont know who else apart form you mums who have had experience what to do or say - or just leave it as its petty!!!!!!! its just really getting to me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Oh no Hali - you don't need this at the moment. My Mum always said to me 'Don't sweat the small stuff', meaning, is she hurting herself/someone else, is her action likely to? In the long term scheme of things, does this really matter? Your son KNOWS right from wrong, he knows the important stuff, you have taught him properly and well. He's got a cocktail of hormones running about at the moment. Diffuse the moment, a playful punch on his arm "you're such a fibber! - please give it a rinse and fill it up next time, right" Be calm and careful - he's only this age once. My son is 21 now and I miss him like crazy - he's away in edinburgh at University. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Hi, Sorry can't offer much advice as my girls are only 8 and 10. But just wanted to reassure you that my husband, who has two sons in their 30's, has often said that all children go through phases of not quite telling the truth but ultimately he will know where to come to with the important things because you have been there for him since he was born. Also as has been said already "Your son KNOWS right from wrong, he knows the important stuff, you have taught him properly and well" and you have to remember that at times like this. You have been and continue to be a fantastic parent to him, just by sharing your concerns that is evident so keep going and I will be thinking of and praying for you all. Nicky Sussex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 thanks guys - just what needed to stop me exploding at him - i just dont understand why he does it!!!!! suppose i never will Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louby loo Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Don't get mad - get even. As others have said in the scale of things this is really more of a fib than a lie.. if it were me - I'd just put salt in the sugar bowl.. telling hubby of 'cos..... then act dumb when he puts it in his next drink!! xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Your lucky, today I've had my 6 yr old steal chewing gum AND her brothers chocolate, and then lied about it. She's grounded for 2 days. I must admit this post reminds me of when my now 24 yr old son was around 7 yrs old, he told a lie (about hairspray sprayed up a wall ), it was the first time I wasn't sure if he was lying or not, before this event I could always tell by his facial expression, his tone of voice etc, but this time he swore no knowledge of how it got on the wall, and although I knew he knew, he was now able to lie convincingly. I was heartbroken at the loss of my skills at 'reading' him. I just said to him how sad I felt as I wanted to believe him and that it seemed that he was able to lie to me but he cannot ever lie to himself, then I walked away and didn't mention it again. Just left him with his conscience. I think caits advice is good, keep things in perspective, maybe just say little things like sugar don't matter, you know that, but lies do, then walk away and don't get pulled into any further conversation on the matter. I was listening to an 'expert' on telly the other morning, she advised using sentences such as "I know you won't use all the sugar again in the future...." , or " I know you will fill the sugar bowl next time you use it all up....." About a child who was stealing at school, she suggesting saying "I know you are not going to take anything that doesn't belong to you today....." . ie: positive reinforcement. Just give him a hug and tell him you love him even when he forgets to fill the sugar bowl, and try really hard not to start referring to him as Pinnochio. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 thanks guys - just what needed to stop me exploding at him - i just dont understand why he does it!!!!! suppose i never will He's asserting his individuality, breaking the bonds that tie him to the nest, but also needing you to care about silly things like sugar, very confusing I know. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 ahh salt sounds good thanks Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 it is very confusing peggy - just cant cope with it at mo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 If I put myself in his shoes, I'm thinking "Why would I bother refilling it when I can tell mum I didn't do it and then she'll refill it!" Sometimes it's not about the lying, it's about not wanting to admit you're wrong! He probably knew he should've refilled it, but admitting to that would just be againt his morals!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Dont know about lying Hali, as far as I'm aware mine havent. But I'd echo everyone else about the need to decide in advance what kind of things you're going to tackle him on and which ones you're going to let go. In the grand scheme of things the sugar isnt a big thing but if its come hot on heels of smoking and drinking I can see why you're mad. Both of mine were introduced to a beer or cider on a Friday night some years ago, and I always knew or suspected they would drink when they went out with friends, I just had to hope they would all look out for each other and be able to say no to anything that didnt come out of a can or bottle they'd opened themselves. They are both complete anti smoking freaks. The things my oldest has spoken to me about would make a grown man cry, I cant begin to explain on here due to laws of decency! But the youngest who admitted to being depressed a few weeks ago told me out and out that he couldnt talk to me because I'm a parent. Offers of teachers, GP, grandparent were waved away, he said he'd speak to his friends. Not all our children need or want to share with their parents, my parents dont now anything about my teenage years and I'd track down and kill anyone who told them!!! Your son might never want to share things with you but it wont be because he doesnt want to, he just might not feel the need. With the internet he might never need to ask advice. Little buggers arent they? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 he would never think of re filling the sugar bowl ( i wouldnt expect him too) its the fact he dosnt have sugar in anything - but when i asked him today as the sugar bowl was empty and he was he only one that had made a drink he lied - sorry sounds petty i know - but again hes lieing to me !!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 i know and realise tht Rea just thought with the talks we had had throughout the summer and him with 'new' college friends etc - the small thing about lieing about sugar should be insignificant - but obviously not - am going down Peggys salt root - will let you know tomorrow how it goes - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Teenagers - they are a law unto themselves and yes they do lie at times. Don't take it personally, I think he obviously felt a bit stupid about the sugar thing and maybe didn't want to admit to anything about it - or he might have even not realised he had done it - yes I know it sounds strange but my son is completely clueless at times and has the inability to know what he does do sometimes five minutes earlier. I think they are all so self obsessed that sometimes they just don't know that they do things. No help I know but they can drive you mad and as someone said I think you have to pick your moments. My son smokes and drinks and also smokes other stuff too "Mum, everyone does it" - doesn't help me to stop worrying but I can only talk to him about the implications and that I think he ought to take it easy but there is not a lot more I can do or say. He did actually admit today that he hasn't smoked the funny stuff for a while but has been drinking a bit more instead .............. great - at least he has told me but not too sure I like either really. I think the teenage years are so hard not necessarily for the children but for the parents - life just gets that bit more serious for them and us gcses, a levels, driving cars, serious girlfriends, drink, drugs and partying etc - all can be very rewarding, pleasurable but all can be potentially damaging to their future - a teenager is for life and we all want the best. Sometimes I have to remember what I did and my son does not do anything more or less than I did - but they like to think they are doing something that we didn't - makes them feel more adult and independent. I think quite often I am a c..p Mum, never getting it right but all I want is for them to grow up into mature sensible adults - but they really need a bit of freedom to find out what really goes on in the world for themselves - not easy I know but keep your head up, think positive and for your own sanity you are having to let some things go - pick your moments, there are some battles you are just not going to win - all you can do it keep the communication going - I try but then I don't see my 17 year old that often so I then have to get it all out and then I am accused of being interfering - genuinely interested to know what he has been doing nagging - just asking whether he has eaten properly embarrassing - talking to his friends who just happen to be sitting all over my lounge So never fear, Mum's of teenagers we are all there with you on this one - I have three - all different and they all lie or at least are creative with the truth so they don't worry us. Nikki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 i know and realise tht Rea just thought with the talks we had had throughout the summer and him with 'new' college friends etc - the small thing about lieing about sugar should be insignificant - but obviously not - am going down Peggys salt root - will let you know tomorrow how it goes - actually it was Louby Lou who suggested the salt, but then your rage is clouding your vision, bless. I have said to my children in the past, "I resent you lying to me, it makes me feel that you think I am stupid enough to believe you, do you really think that of me?", not saying this works in any way at all but it helped me feel better for saying it. Whenever I say these things I always walk away before they can respond otherwise it just becomes an arguement where the point is lost. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 or he might have even not realised he had done it - yes I know it sounds strange but my son is completely clueless at times and has the inability to know what he does do sometimes five minutes earlier. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who does this. I spent a long half an hour looking for my iPod today so I could put it on charge. Only to find I had already put it on charge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 sorry Peggy - yes thanks Louby lou - yes he told me last night he was in a car with one of his college friends - who crashed the car - agggghhhhhhh think i need some valium!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Hi, Just keep reminding yourself that he told you where he was and he wasn't hurt!! If we, as mum's go down the "what if road" we drive ourselves mad with worry and concern and in the end that creates more tension between us and our children. You are the only mum he has and you are doing a brilliant job so try not to be too hard on yourself and take things one day at a time.( I know that's easier to write than to believe but you are) Love and hugs Nicky Sussex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvet Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Well I hope mine are not starting young as before half term at the end of the day I had the Head teacher asking if she can have a word. She asked if everything was ok at home between me and my husband as my 5 year old had said Daddy now lived in another house!! I'm hoping its a one off! Back to Hali and her son my Mum is having the same problem with my brother 16 grumpy lieing over silly things but like lots of people have said on here to you I tell her she has brought him up like she did me and my other siblings to know right and wrong- just got to ride the wave and hope it passes! All those Hormones I wouldn't want to be a teenager again!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I have said to my children in the past, "I resent you lying to me, it makes me feel that you think I am stupid enough to believe you, do you really think that of me?" My mum had a great saying for this - she'd give you 'the look' and ask "did you think I rode up the Thames on my bike?" which I think was Irish for "do you think I came down in the last shower?". That told you she knew what was really going on, and made it far less likely that you'd tell a fib the next time. hali I think you're too stressed at the moment to deal with this - honestly I think you need to let it go for now, but maybe later when you've calmed down a bit you can gently tell him how worried you are by his lying. There's nothing wrong in telling him how scared (and disappointed) you are that if he is lying about little things then is be being truthful about the bigger things? It may be that he's testing you to see how far he can go - but my motto of late is "choose your battles carefully" and if you explode over sugar, how will you show him that you're really angry over something much bigger? Also, remember my other motto - that a mother's place is in the wrong. He's a good boy who loves his mum but he's pushing the boundaries a bit - keep your boundaries firm but try not to draw attention to every misdemeanour. You're a good mum who is finding things a bit difficult at the moment - you'll both come through it, I'm sure! Group hug? Mx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 thanks M - made me cry but brought me back to reality - as usual - knew i posted this for a good reason - may still do the salt thing in the morning though thanks -love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx ps - love the rode the bike up the thames Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 group hug! Cx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 group hug (would your son want to join us??) We all care too you know, he is after all 'the next generation'. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 he is after all 'the next generation'. And what is that supposed to mean! Some of us are lovely! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I was about to say same as Maz... boundary testing..checking you out.. I had a tendency to only 'fight' major issues , I am sure all teens don't reveal all, but an edited version... which you find out later or not! They often see things differently and have a individual 'skew' on things which they do not see as lying but more not revealing all!! I found that actually not rising to the bait, not shouting, remaining calm very more effective , hard to do but if there is no one to confront..... I do feel it is hard as a parent to see the bigger picture when children are becoming much more independent and ready to fly the nest or take charge of their own life.... and not telling parents everything(lying) is part of this.. Personally.. I was happy that he was well behaved outside of the home and polite , in the house I fully expected the problems. They do come out of the other side, and I am lucky in that he now will ring just for a chat, advice, or just to share what he is doing.. they are the best times... when he is having a good day and just wanted to share and tell us... yesterday was because the sun was shining and he had an afternoon free before his flight to Jersey where he will be working for the next 4 weeks... Think is it worth it, why, and what do I hope to achieve from this, Inge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 And what is that supposed to mean! Some of us are lovely! I know you are, that's what I meant, we all care, do you want a hug too Mrs Weasley? Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Aw , c'mon MrsWeasley. Big hugs - and your little wizard too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 my son is lovely as well Mrs w just cant see why he would lie about sugar!!!!!!! hugs to you too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 If I get close enough to hug Peggy.. she's going to nail me to the garage wall... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Why? what on earth have you done? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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