Shiny Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 My favourite joke: Two snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and with a loud sniff asks 'Do you smell carrots?' Congratulations on post numberMaz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Mary and Bert, an old married couple make a pledge that whoever dies first will come back to let the other one know if there is an afterlife Reminds me of Bert and Dave who have known each other since boyhood, played football together, took their sons to football together and now in retirement, they spend each Sunday afternoon in the park watching their grandsons playing football together. They make a pact that whichever one of them dies first will send a message to the other saying whether they play football in heaven. Well one day Bert has a heart attack in the middle of a matach and sadly dies. The following week, whilst watching their grandsons play football as usual, Dave feels a breeze behind his left ear and hears "Dave! Dave!". "Bert?" says Dave in amazement "you're really there?". "Yes" says Bert "and now my body is like it was when I was a teenager - arthritis is all gone and I'm fighting fit!". When his shock dies down Dave says "Bert - tell me quickly: is there football in heaven?". "Well" says Bert "there's good news and bad news. The good news is that yes, there is a thriving football league in heaven". "That's fantastic, Bert" says Dave "but what's the bad news?". "Well" says Bert "we've got a cup match on Tuesday and you're in goal!". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 we've got a cup match on Tuesday and you're in goal!". love it Maz will have to tell my dad that one!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 HappyMaz I feel I should bring the bra theme into play!!! I apologise now to anyone who may be offended by this joke, but I got it as a text today and thought it was funny!!! A woman with tiny breasts goes into M & S and asks for a bra, size 32AAAA. They don't do anything that small. She goes into La Senza and asks the same. They don't do that size. After visiting several more shops without success, she storms into Debenhams, marches up to the lingerie section, pulls her top off and yells"DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR THESE?" The assistants look at her and ask "Have you tried Clearasil?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Just thought of my son's favourite joke!! Why did the banana go to the doctor's? Cause he wasn't peeling very well!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 The assistants look at her and ask "Have you tried Clearasil?" :( That's briliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 clearasil... brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dublinbay Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 Congratulations Maz on reaching your 5000th post!! What an achievement........and what a fab way to celebrate.....joke telling. These have cheered me up no end as I've been feeling a bit miserable with yet another bout of flu and assignments coming out of my ears. I almost wet myself reading mummyspud's clearasil joke..........if there's a prize for the funniest one this must be it. Hopefully this thread will still be going by the time I can clear my head and think of one myself. Well done again Maz and I look forward to the next 5000!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 The clearisil one's reminded me of another joke I love. One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live any more. She went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.'' Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplewednesday1 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I continue to be surreal ... What's the diffference between a duck?? One of its legs is both the same Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MaryEMac Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm sitting here crying with laughter. This is a brilliant way to celebrate, Maz. This joke was told by my friends 3 yr old (he's now 22 and a father). "What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?" "A headbanger." Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My class's favourite joke is Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ARRRRRRRRRR! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) What an excellent way to cheer us all up, well done on completing your 5000 postin My 4 year old's first joke What does a monkey use to toast his bread? A gorilla! This has since lead on to her making her own up unusual jokes Edited January 30, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My grandson aged 10 wanted to know what I was laughing about. I asked him for his favourite joke here goes: Boy in class puts up his hand and asks if he can go to the toilet Teacher replies 'not until you say the alphabet' Boy 'a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z' Teacher where's your p Boy 'running down my leg now'! Sunnyday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dublinbay Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 My husband's contribution: A man had two of the best tickets for the FA cup final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to hiim. "No", he says, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible!", said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first cup final we haven't been together since we got married." "Oh......I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head....... "No......They're all at the funeral....!!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aliamch Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 There, I've finally remembered a joke There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife. So he climbed the highest mountain, swam the deepest ocean and walked the biggest desert. What do you think his wife said? Nothing - she divorced him for nver being at home Karrie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm not very good with jokes. Being retired I don't get any from the children and I can't even remember any from the Christmas crackers! However, I've enjoyed reading everyone else's. Well done, Maz, on your 5000 posts. Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 oww congrats M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacquieL Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 OH was sent this today (It's his birthday!) WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Why did the banana go out with a prune? Because he couldn't get a date! Sunnyday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Well done Maz and your 5000 posts. Loving these jokes!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath well done Maz.... Inge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 OH was sent this today (It's his birthday!) WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: This is SO fantastic - I'm gonna read it to mine when he's free - he's just doing a brass rubbing type of thing on an old railway notice that a railway chum has just brought round to show him. sigh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 (edited) This is SO fantastic - I'm gonna read it to mine when he's free - he's just doing a brass rubbing type of thing on an old railway notice that a railway chum has just brought round to show him. sigh As Ena Sharples said Cait: "There's nowt so queer as folk." Good job you love him! Edited February 1, 2009 by HappyMaz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Ok read it to him, and he said, "so, what's stopping women being like that?" SIGH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 Why did the skeleton go to the dance alone? Because he had nobody to go with! sunnyday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 What kind of bees make milk? BOOBIES! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted February 1, 2009 Share Posted February 1, 2009 And I just got a text from a friend saying "If you ever feel a little depressed or useless; just remember that once you were the fastest and most victorious out of millions of sperm" So next time you're having a bad day, just remember that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted February 1, 2009 Author Share Posted February 1, 2009 So next time you're having a bad day, just remember that! Dad was particularly impressed with that one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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