Settling In Every Morning

[Guest]

When we have had this kind of thing in the past where we felt the behaviour was more for the attention we have dealt with it by speaking to mum firstly and explaining what we are planning. Then every morning when the child came in one of us took him/her from mum in a matter of fact way, holding on to the child while mum left and then simply getting on with something else while keeping the child with us. Through this the child has been crying but we have just ignored it the best we could and got on with an activity with some other children. It took time but after a while the child cried for less and less time. I must stress that this was only after we became convinced the crying was for attention or a habit, and we had watched the child settle quickly, shortly after their parent left each morning. The parents have usually been relieved that we have taken charge of the situation and we follow up with a quick call or text later to let them know the child is settled.

[Inge]

Ok i would not have mum take him home.. I have had one child do this for 2 years while with us... it never stopped... mum really has to realise she needs to bring him in with the others and collect at right time.. have you tried the charging extra when she is late collecting.. usually works even if it is 5 mins that is your tidy up time and you are not paid for childcare...

 

mum also has to stop making it game which running around is... a fun game.. better to remove child take him somewhere and when all ia secure put him down and give him something to play with then go off and watch from a distance that he is ok... sometimes this was the point I was firm and would tell the child that crying was not going to gain anything so may as well stop now! surprisingly it often worked..

 

at end os session if mum is late leave him with a book somewhere secure or safe and watch from a distance.. unless she is really late and he gets distressed by it - again less attention... not really his fault this time but think it is probably time to withdraw a little from the fuss and get on with it so to speak...

 

that said it does not always work .. so be prepared for this to continue for a while... you could find summer break is a turning point as he becomes older...

[Rea]

My eldest son was just like that throughout most of his time at playgroup. I think it gets to be a habit. The child knows this is what I do and this is how everyone will react and so keeps doing it. He would be rigid in his buggy all the way there, screaming he didnt want to go. He walked staright into reception on his first day without a backward glance, different place, different people.

The playleader used to peel him off me while he screamed and tried to cling to any part of me. Sometimes he needed me to kneel down, give him one last kiss and then I'd scoot off. He always settled within 5 minutes of me leaving, I used to check through the window.

Mom has to understand she's disrupting his morning by arriving late, that she wont be able to turn up when she feels like when he's in reception. Could you give the child a job to do when he arrives, something for a big boy whos strong or extra clever?

I certainly wouldnt let mom take him home, it just gives him power and keeps the whole thing going.

Could you go back to square one and allow mom to stay for a few sessions, give her some jobs to do away from the child so he knows she's there but not actively involved with him? Let her stay for less and less time.

Its a very tricky situation and I hope you manage between you to find a solution, but going from my own experience, there might not be one.

[waveawand]

hiya Terrydoo73

 

Ive recently started my 3yrs at nursery. Initially it was fine as I stayed for most of the session and then left. But then each day he got worse and by Wed he was crying the minute he woke up !! He has tried to make himself ill with crying which is a first for me ( ive four kids and this is my youngest). On the wed I asked what was the matter and he saidthat he "didnt want to be alone". So he took Mario with him , he still cryed a little but not hysterically I left promptly reminding him that he would have a reward to look forward to at the end ofthe session.

It is important to say goodbye to them but to leave promptly. Its the second week know and today was the first day he went in without crying holding both mario and luigi and a keyring with family photo which I asked him to "look after for me". He always comes out smiling and saying what a lovely time he has had.

 

I agree with the other forum member ( sorry cant remember which post!) whom said that saying goodbye is important and leaving promptly too with a smile . Ideal if both parents follow the same drill. Incidentally I dont take him into the play room, a member of staff does.

 

hope this helps or gives you some pointers

[lynned55]

Sounds as if the coming in late and leaving last isn't helping. In fact I'd state categorically it isn't!! If he was too be dropped when all the others are he would then see that his wasn't the only mum to be leaving- really she cannot be running around

the room away from him either. AS others have said, that's a game and she MUST say goodbye. Tell her that by being late to pick him up- he probably thinks she isn't coming back. Honestly- I'm sorry but sometimes I do wonder I about people- where's the common sense.

[Guest]

When we have had this kind of thing in the past where we felt the behaviour was more for the attention we have dealt with it by speaking to mum firstly and explaining what we are planning. Then every morning when the child came in one of us took him/her from mum in a matter of fact way, holding on to the child while mum left and then simply getting on with something else while keeping the child with us. Through this the child has been crying but we have just ignored it the best we could and got on with an activity with some other children. It took time but after a while the child cried for less and less time. I must stress that this was only after we became convinced the crying was for attention or a habit, and we had watched the child settle quickly, shortly after their parent left each morning. The parents have usually been relieved that we have taken charge of the situation and we follow up with a quick call or text later to let them know the child is settled.

 

I agree with Holly, as long as you're pretty certain that he is doing this for attention I think you should ignore him. I might even sit him somewhere (do you have a quiet corner?) and tell him very matter of factly that when he stops crying he can come and join in, then just walk away. If it is just for attention I'm sure he'll realise he's wasting his time pretty quickly! Also as soon as he stops crying and comes to join in, make a big fuss. Don't mention the crying but just give him loads of attention for a minute so that he learns that not crying is the way to get attention.

Regarding mum turning up late for him, are you insured to have children after the proper pick up time? Just a thought at another way to approach it seen as telling her it would be better for him to be dropped of and picked up on time doesn't seem to be working.

[Guest terrydoo73]

I'm revisiting this topic as we are continuing to have the same problems with this child. He has returned to us now for his preschool year and will be 4 in November. He insists on holding onto mums hands or legs and will not come in to the room without her. She has tried everything - talking about it at home, pushing him into the playroom and closing the door behind her only to have him crying but they are not real tears. Yesterday he took the Deputy Leader's hand and stood in the one spot never saying a word for a whole 10 minutes despite her trying to persuade him to join in fun. We are at the end of our tether. Mum talks about this problem in front of him which we have tried to stop her doing. Some days she can stay and watch him play but he will not let go of her in any way shape or form and refuses to play with any toy. It is very unsettling for the other 4 children who returned to us and have settled no problem. We have 7 new ones starting over the coming 2 weeks and we really want to sort this little one out as it could lead to problems for the new intakes.

[Inge]

Firstly.. you may have to accept it may never stop... had one do this for 2 years and still at school, despite all the different methods we used...

 

If mum just leaves him and runs how long before he stops crying.. it may be 30 mins but I assume he does stop eventually.. how much attention is he getting in this time... if lots may be time for a change in tack and routine..

 

with mums agreement and trying all the ways we could think of first.. we eventually used to have one person take the child... mum left... and he was then sat next to an adult who was interacting with other children.. if this was stood watching so be it.. no fuss... except to the other children who were doing well... even though he was not joining in he was still learning by watching and listening, once he had stopped the crying.. which we eventually got down to 2 minutes before he left... Mum used to ring after 30 to see if he was ok... and i used to send her a text message as well once he had settled/ stopped yelling / not necessarily playing.. yes it did sometimes upset the others but surprisingly took our lead and carried on as if he was not yelling...

[Rea]

We had a lad many years ago who started off by only sitting in his buggy holding his bottle of cold tea. He progressed over the 2 years he was with us to standing near the art table but he wouldnt move or speak to anyone. We used to interact with him about what the other children were doing or make a passing comment with a smile about the noise, the weather outside, the work going on at the activities, but never about him standing there.

If its not really crying and i presume you mean no tears, just lots of noise, I'd carry on my routine, include him in the conversation but don't acknowledge the crying. You say some days mom can stop and play, I dont think thats useful at his stage, he wont know if she's staying or leaving. Mom needs to come in, say a happy goodbye and go. Ignore the crying, ignore the just standing.

[Inge]

I actually found the crying/ noise is easier than the ones who throw up for the first half hour.. had a few of those in my time....

 

aslo had some like Rea who stayed in the pushchair for a while... keep a coat on all session was another regular occurrence..

[SueJ]

Similar problem years ago and used the same sort of tactics as Rea - Mum seemed to transmit her concerns onto the child so negotiated that another adult would bring the child to see how it went and when Aunt dropped off we had no problems at all. A few weeks of doing this and Mum was able to come back into the picture - this process also had the added benefit of allaying her fears that child wasn't able to settle at all.

 

There is some light at the end of the tunnel though - the same child (obviously traumatised by the experience) came back to me last year to do her work placement with me and is looking to go into a career in childcare when she leaves school

[Guest terrydoo73]

Thanks for your advice. I am feeling a bit annoyed at this continuing behaviour and do believe it is attention seeking. He appears to love one to one contact and will follow my Deputy around like a hawk. She has tended to take him to one side like the book area and read but then getting him to move onto something on his own is impossible. So I think the best thing we can do is OK read the book but then move to another child and if he hovers well so be it! He cries for like all of 2 minutes and as I say it is crocodile tears and attention seeking.

 

Today during our buffet snack time he was left at the table with me as he was the last one to finish. Never again! My Deputy and I agreed that in future he would be persuaded to come in the first draft of children to the buffet snack and in this way even if he was slow in eating he would not gain that one to one attention he obviously likes.

 

He is the third child in a family and there is quite an age gap between his next sibling so I think he has been smothered slightly at home.

 

Our problem is this "peeling off" and by that I mean he clings to mum's hand or leg and really has to be prised off her which obviously causes distress. How do we overcome this? This is what really leads to the crying. Mum has tried the tactic of coming in with him and waiting until he is distracted or slips away without him realising although this is difficult. I feel at this stage 7 months into being with us mum shouldn't really be coming in with him but rather leaving him at the door as it seems to have an effect on the other children in the setting ie they stop what they are doing focus in on him and are very hard to get them back into play again. You can imagine our fears for next week when we have new children starting.

[Inge]

We found it did depend on the mums reaction as to if the child clung on or not and for how long it continued..

 

we tried the tack of child coming in in pushchair and mum leaving him in that so no way he could do it... had to avoid a leaving kiss though or the neck would get the grip!

 

or someone else bringing him in ...

 

once had a very helpful mum who took over outside and left child with us...

 

and the key was always no interaction until child had stopped and was no longer seeking the attention.. then he got it... a while of 1:1 which is what he was craving and then including other children

 

but must admit it didnt always work and the behaviour continued (as I said before for the full 2 years child was with us)

[mundia]

Hi terry, as you see from the many responses, this is something most of us have had to deal with at one time or another, its one of those things that is really hard work, but usually worth the effort in the end.

 

If I have understood you correct, you are a pre school that has presumably been closed over the summer? So although you mentioned that its been 7 months now, bear in mind the 6 weeks he has had off and this can bring a sense of 'going back to the beginning'. For 6 weeks he hasn't been coming and going through this, and he's only just stating to settle back in again.

 

Also try not to get annoyed about it, difficult I know as some children do just really get to you, and lead you to despair. But he has a need same as anyone else might do, whether it be behaviour, toileting, relating to others, language needs etc. If you think of it this way, it becomes easier to deal with, and what you are doing is trying different approaches to meet his current need. I recall one year having a 'shadow', a child like yours who screamed but after mum had gone, just followed me everywhere, sometimes I even tripped over him, he was that close to me. I carried on whatever I was doing, occasionally acknowledging that he was there, but not really giving him any extra attention, unless he communicated with me (by pointing). This went on for many months, until one day I turned round and he wasn't there....he was playing on his own in the home corner. It was a real break through, but took patience and persistence to get there. Be prepared for it to take time.

 

You will probably find that once you re so busy next week with new children, you wont have the time to spend 1:1 with him anyway.

 

Good look with it, I'm sure you will let us know how its going.

[Guest]

Evening,

Not sure if this will help but it is something we have used with 'clingy' children. I take a photo of mum (or whoever the primary carer is) and laminate it to a heart shaped badge. when the carer is ready to leave she (he) 'leaves several 'kisses' on the badge and the child wears the badge by their heart all day and can kiss or hug the badge if they feel sad. It works really well if mum can leave perfume on it and children soon latch onto the fact that mum 'stays' with them in the form of the badge.

good luck and persevere!

[sunnyday]

Evening,

Not sure if this will help but it is something we have used with 'clingy' children. I take a photo of mum (or whoever the primary carer is) and laminate it to a heart shaped badge. when the carer is ready to leave she (he) 'leaves several 'kisses' on the badge and the child wears the badge by their heart all day and can kiss or hug the badge if they feel sad. It works really well if mum can leave perfume on it and children soon latch onto the fact that mum 'stays' with them in the form of the badge.

good luck and persevere!

What a lovely idea!