What Would You Have Done?

[sunnyday]

Hi all

 

I have had such a good day.....apart from this incident witnessed in a long, long queue at the bank this morning.....

 

A mother with four children - two little girls about 6yrs. and 7yrs. and twin boys about 3yrs. - the older of the two girls sat down on the bank floor - her mother started shouting - yelling - "get up you are not a tramp" she then pulled her to her feet yelling "if you do that again I will slap you right round your face".......

 

I let out an audible gasp......the mother turned and stared at me.......I stared back just as hard.......I looked for reaction from other people in the queue - there was none........

 

This is still bothering me some eight hours later.........I feel that I should have done or said something........

[HappyMaz]

Oh dear sunnyday, poor you. This falls into the category of 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' doesn't it?

 

Your reaction was understandable - what a shock to hear someone saying something like this. You probably didn't have time to check your response, did you?

 

If I'm honest, I imagine I would have done just the same as you, and felt just as you do now. I need to think this through a bit more, but didn't want to leave you hanging for a response (although in the time I've taken to write this you've probably had six replies with great advice).

 

Chin up. We've probably all had similar experiences and had the feeling that we could have/should have done something else.

 

I wonder what specialist agencies such as the NSPCC would advise in these cases?

 

Maz

[Gezabel]

Oh dear poor you

I don't know that I would have done anything differently to you and yet probably like you would then wish I had!

 

However, what 'could you have done' - my guess is saying anything to the mother would not have been received very well and also runs the risk of 'angering' her even more and the child suffering further as a result.

 

My fear is always if this is what they do/say in public what on earth are they like behind closed doors

 

I just don't 'get' the laws in our country - if I threatened to 'slap you right round your face' you could call the police and I guess I could be charged with threatening behaviour or something and yet parents are free to speak to innocent young children in any manner they see fit

 

Sorry not a constructive answer and I will get off my soapbox now

As for the NSPCC I would think without some sort of contact details there would be little they could do but may have some advice for 'us'.

 

I think perhaps we share an innate quality of wanting to protect all children from harm but sadly the reality is that we can't

[Panders]

I think my reaction would have been just the same as yours Sunnyday.

 

Ever since coming into this business and doing the training we have, I have found shopping in big stores etc. very hard to handle - you see and hear so much that is an unnecessary and sometimes unacceptable abuse on children.

 

Here then another stressed mother just trying to get through her day, goodness knows what has already happened this morning to get her to this pitch already. Would she be receptive to a comment from you? I doubt it, you would have been seen to be a busy body who had no idea of what she was putting up with and certainly not given an opportunity to befriend and offer advice on how to cope when she feels like this.

 

Mums have always had to cope with agravations in life - my mum used to "lose it" most wash days with me and my 3 brothers when we were off school, I'm still here to tell the tale. My eldest might recall a time or two when I wasn't particularly cool about his antics with his brother as well!

 

Our job makes us very sensitive to children's needs - how often do you see your little charges out with their parents playing them up! Most embarrassing!

 

If this mum had struck her child hopefully, you and some of the other members of the public would feel brave enough to step in and try to help child and mum and offer some comfort and support to both.

[HappyMaz]

As for the NSPCC I would think without some sort of contact details there would be little they could do but may have some advice for 'us'.

That's exactly what I meant Geraldine - however whatever they would suggest we do in a situation such as the one sunnyday found herself in probably wouldn't resolve the issues that you raise about further angering mum and possibly making it worse for her children.

 

Life is rubbish sometimes isn't it?

 

Maz

[Cait]

I let out an audible gasp......the mother turned and stared at me.......I stared back just as hard.......I looked for reaction from other people in the queue - there was none........

 

I bet they all suddenly found the posters interesting and their thumbnails though! Maybe tonight they all feel exactly the way you do. Big hugs xx

[Upsy Daisy]

Don't feel like you did nothing to help this child, Sunnyday. Your 'audible gasp' could well hve given her food for thought. there re no guarantees of course but the fact that you expressed your feelings non-verbally does not mean they were any less obvious.

 

You did challenge her actions and, as Geraldine pointed out, anything more could have made matters worse for the child.

 

I feel so helpless when I see things like this but then I know there are times when I have been impatient with my own children in shops and imagined that people will infer that this is the best of my parenting and that things must be much worse at home whereas the opposite is actually true!

 

I don't think you could have done anything differently today to bring about change in this mother's behaviour. Just think about how you enhance the lives of the children you can help and accept that you cannot do everything no matter how much you want to.

 

Wouldn't it be lovely to have a magic wand at times like that? What spell would you cast do you think?

[sunnyday]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and indeed for your very kind words.

 

I'm not known for minding my own business.......if I think someone needs help I mean.......I don't think there is an easy answer to this one.......

 

Poor little girl, I feel so sad for her.......I have to say she seemed quite unperturbed by her mother's threats.......I don't know what to make of that either........

 

I will just have to find a way to stop thinking about it.......I had my chance to do something and I didn't.......

 

Can't help but think of my precious grandchildren and thank heavens I know that they will never, ever be spoken to like that.

 

Thanks again

Sunnyday

[Guest]

I can really relate to that experience - how horrible.

One thing that always sticks with me from my child protection training is that if you make a parent feel bad then the child will be the one that suffers. As hard as it is when I see a child being spoken to or treated badly I try to smile and ease the situation, if the parent gives eye contact I try to say something appeasing (sometimes too difficult though). It's not right for a child to be spoken to like that but if onlookers make the parent feel worse/judged/ashamed etc the child is likely to be punished for it if the parent is abusive.

Take care and like others have said, we do our bit by supporting the children and families that are within our care

[Guest]

Sunnyday, your 'gasp and stare' challenged this parents behaviour in a non threatening way, I would guess her stare back was her way of saying '...and who are you to judge'. Well you are an advocate for children, that's why you judged so appropriately.

 

I agree that any further challenge could have caused more harm for the children in the long run.

 

As a hopeful feel good factor, my day's experience was the opposite side of the 'parenting' coin. I took four children to a local indoor play centre, whilst they exhumed lots of energy on the slides, climbing frames and ball pools, I sat reading my book and chilling out.

Nearby, in the 'adult' chill area, (comfy leather sofa's, reading materials and a cup of coffee) there was a young mum sitting with her son aged about 3 yrs, he was playing in a playmobil car, anyway now I've set the scene, I observed them (as you do when 'people' watching) and their interactions were so calm, loving and fun, the main thing I noticed was that most every utterance towards her child was full of descriptive praise, "Well done, you've parked your car very nicely", good boy, that's kind to share your car", and then she said to him "What a lovely smile you have"

 

I too sat smiling, and as I got up to leave I said to her how lovely it was to hear her praise her son and how very proud she must be of him.

 

...and hopefully, on some days the little girl you saw will too have similar 'good' days with her mum too.

 

Peggy

[Guest]

This happened to me in Tesco's only the woman turned around and threatened me!!! "what you **** looking at!!" I was so intimated I left the shop but spoke to the security guard on the door as I left.

 

A week later I saw her at school and she was taken aback to see me. I was in reception at the time and the child was in nursery. I told the nursery staff what had happen and they were greatful. Mum was sweetness and light dropping the child off but they were having behaviour issues with the child.The parent was claiming there were no problems at home!! The problem wasn't the child it was the parent!! Gave the staff a fuller picture.

 

We all get stressed as parents but i'm sure your reaction didn't go unnoticed by the mother and may have made her reflect on her behaviour. Unfortunately the que would have fallen into three categories

1.The kids of today need a firm hand and swift sharp slap never did me any harm

2.I'm fearful for my own safety, better not to interfere, I'll prentend I didn't hear

3. Thats not right, I don't agree with that kind of abuse, I will make my feelings clear.

 

You were obviously the only one in the 3rd group