Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 (edited) First day of next phase of parenting............. Took my youngest to Uni yesterday which was very exciting and also very sad. I saw her settled in before we left which was fine. Had a bit of snivvle last night (as did hubby) but today....... I know our lovely children are only with us for a short time, on loan if you like, but no one warned me I'd feel like this What's that song title? 'If I could turn back time....' ENOUGH!! I thought I'd compile a list of positives to carry me and anyone else struggling through this empty nest phase.... 1. No more hunting for my tweezers 2. No late night taxi runs 3. No more long blonde hairs in my hairbrush hmmm, there must be more than that, surely? Can you help? Edited September 20, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spiral Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 No more; harping on about tidying room/helping with housework, no more being grumbled at in the morning, but....I totally empathise, mines got deferred entry and will be off next year - I'm already feeling lost and worried, can't imagine what you are going through. The only positive must be that we have great communication methods - imagine how our own mum's /dad's felt, worrying whether we had enough 10p's to phone home!!! x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I took my eldest last week LJW and had to stop in a layby to sob after I'd left him. I couldnt believe how utterly sad I felt. He's often stayed away from home, cub scouts camp, rugby tours, friends houses, but this was so much different. I've still got the youngest so its not as bad as it could be. I told myself 'ENOUGH' too, I put my music on really loud and raced back down the motorway. We know they're happy and settled. We know we've brought them up with the right values and the have given the the right skills to be able to do this, but honestly, I never expected it to be so hard. He's still my baby. I cleaned his bedroom out the next night, washed the skirting boards, moved cupboards round and sorted all the stuff he's left so that as soon as he wants to come home he can, its all ready. I cant think of any positives yet, wish I could, so if anyone else can come up with some I'd be grateful. And to think of all those years when I could cheerfully have squeezed the life out him...shouting, banging, demanding, questioning, littering, cluttering, blasting, slouching, lazing, talking, ignoring, irritating, arguing, laughing baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cait Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Mine's just starting 5th year, M.Eng at Heriot Watt in Edinburgh. I remember the feeling all to well the day we dropped him off there - he looked so 'brave', stiff upper lip and all that. I was kind of fine in the car for about an hour until my husband put his hand on my leg and said 'You ok?' then the floodgates opened! My daughter left home when she was 18, and went to live with my little sister in Guernsey, that didn't feel quite as much as though she'd left home really - all her stuff was still here, on the whole and she was only with my sister on a small, safe little island. Alan going was much worse - I felt I'd thrown him to the wolves! Parental love is the only type of love whose ultimate goal is separation. It gets better, honestly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Hi, Not there yet as my eldest has just moved from primary to Secondary school. But that feels scary enough as a parent especially as for the last 5 years both of my girls have been at the same primary school as me. Just wanted to send you all a virtual hug and to say I am sure it will get easier as we and all our families survived and supported us through our training/ uni etc, it must do. Sending a hug to LJW and to Rea and to any other members who are going through the same transition. Nicky Sussex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 owww hugs to all of you - im still doing the taxi runs, picking up piles of clothes from floors - will try not to moan i promise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Oh don't! You've made me cry now and mine's only just started high school like Nicky's. I dread the day my nest is empty. My two are the centre of my universe. I hope I can still get by borrowing other people's. I will make a point of enjoying every moment with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Nope, this isn't working yet, I'm filling up.............. off for another tissue, BRB! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 (edited) Forgot to say, she had her phone nicked last night so I can't even ring her....... (Hubby had a charming text to his phone from her number, better not repeat it..... there are some people in this world that I would dearly love to thump!). I am very grateful, though that her loan hasn't come through and she's not bought a contract. Some small comfort I suppose. Edited September 20, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panders Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Crikey you've got me blubbing now. My eldest went to France for 6 months when he was 18, came back, moved out to live with a girlfriend, then promptly got married at 23. Middle one still at home, he's now 22 and doing his Uni in London so commutes. Youngest just started 6th form, but constantly talks of Uni. Now here's the thing, youngest asked to go into town on Friday night with his mates - and I very quietly lost it - couldn't get my head around thinking he was old enough to go out and about late at night - well till 10.30 anyway in town with his mates. Thankfully, he picked up on my moodie and asked was I alright with it? Said not really. Although older brothers had been out and about at similar ages and he said I won't go then. Gave him a massive hug. BUT the day is coming...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spiral Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 You've hit the nail on the head Upsy. Enjoy them and they will enjoy you, take time with them and be full of pride. Time does fly and if I could do it all again, I'd probably do most of it the same, but work part time and spend longer with my own children. Gosh, I'll miss mine when she goes off Big hugs to everyone who has had them go this week (and for the rest of this month) x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Oh thats awful LJW I wish I couldnt phone!! Its so hard trying not to, when I just want to know if he's eating well, and whats he doing about his laundry? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spiral Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Forgot to say, she had her phone nicked last night so I can't even ring her.......(Hubby had a charming text to his phone from her number, better not repeat it..... there are some people in this world that I would dearly love to thump!). I am very grateful, though that her loan hasn't come through and she's not bought a contract. Some small I suppose. What a bloomin awful thing to do to a fresher!! I'm nervous of the whole loan thing too -temptation to spend and takes a long time to pay off, however, it does encourage young students to consider their finances and to plan carefully. Of course, us biggies will help our little ones out as much as poss! Our local supermarkets have flooded with cheap toasters, kettles and . . mobile phones - all for under £15 each. We are in a uni town! Big hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Rea the laundry will be on the floor as usual, and will stay there until he has no clothes to wear... eventually the laundrette will be found and every single item of clothing will be washed... saves time it you wait for it all to be done! then 20p for the dryer will run out and there will then be a pile of damp laundry... this will be hung out over the room and put on once dry... never to see a hanger or drawer as they will return to the floor after use! and the cycle begins again... now that is until Transport arrives... yeh a car !.... and then the return home will include every single item which can be washed all thrown in the boot for you to lovingly wash, and get ready for return.. It will take you all the time he is home to do it, and what feels like 50 wash loads... lots of pluses, which emerge over time... If you are lucky you will get calls home just to chat.. no real purpose but to tell you what they are doing... our son loves to jsut share and tell his news be it good or bad, and with communication being so easy these days it brings a new dimension to your relationship. being there for advice or help if they ask... they will... just takes time go away for weekends... we were lucky in fact that uni was in Snowdonia - a beautiful part of the country so we were there for long weekends.. and met the friends, took them all out for the occasional meal , and filled the food cupboards... essential parents role. there are more but it it reminding yourself that your young adult is ready to enjoy a bit of freedom, extend thier own knowledge and enjoy the next stage... Inge and one of our big minus point was the calls at 3am to say hello! and the one from a mate to say he was in casualty at 3am as he fell off the kerb! oh yes and casualty again when he cut his leg in need of stitches skiing on Snowdon! that one came with a photo of a cut! just enjoy the fact that they are happy to go away but will be happy to return too... ( not that ours ever did ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I know how you are feeling... my eldest left home at 19 to live with his girlfriend and my youngest is presently looking for his own place, he is only 18......... i'm gutted.... makes you feel helpless.........the house will be soooo quiet.......as hubby works longs hours, it will be empty.... dont know how i will fill the time apart from the ba hons and eyps......... !!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 (edited) What a good job I work in a nursery where I can expend my excess of mothering hormones on a willing and lovely bunch of kids! Edited September 20, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Our local supermarkets have flooded with cheap toasters, kettles and . . mobile phones - all for under £15 each. We are in a uni town! Yes I grew up in a uni town. They get sooooo excited about doing their own shopping for the first few weeks. Then you get the traffic cones on top of your car and other small acts of rebellion to mark themselves out as 'individuals'. I should have done uni years and years ago. I haven't picked up a single traffic cone in the whole of my FD first year! Would it be against the law to lock mine in their bedrooms when they reach 16 and never let them out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spiral Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Sounds like a good idea Upsy - if you don't tell anyone I won't! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 That lost feeling does get better honestly! My 2 older children are living away from home now but I do have the younger ones to keep me busy so not quite there yet. When we dropped off my eldest at uni she was living with her boyfriend. As we drove away he gave her a massive hug which was the last thing I saw as we went round the corner. I realised that she was entering a new phase of her life which didn't involve us so much but that this was exactly what I had nurtured her for all those years. To be able to stand on her own 2 feet and make her own way in the world. I still cried though and spent the next week with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. And then the phone calls started - mum, how do you do this etc. and I realised that I was still needed! My son, who was 15 at the time, realised that I was missing her and began to make a huge effort when he came home from school. He would make us a cappuccino when he got in and sit and chat just like I used to with my daughter. At first he found the small talk difficult but by the time he left we had such a good relationship. If anything leaving my son was even harder. He was on his own initially (his girlfriend moved down a few weeks after him) and seemed so young! Driving away was horrible and the hole he left seemed even bigger. That was a year ago though and I'm now used to not having him around. And he rings every week without fail and we chat on messenger too using our web cams, so he's still sort of around. The positives - plenty of drinking glasses and cups - these used to disappear into a black hole for weeks on end the food in the fridge and freezer stays there unless I use it so I always know what there is no getting up in the morning to a messy kitchen after son and friends had decided to fix themselves a midnight feast no last minute requests to run them to a friends which was 'only' 30 minutes away - bang went whatever I had planned to do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I really empathise with the empty nest syndrome and whilst perhaps there is 'no known cure' it does get easier over time. Many of you on here have helped and supported me when one or more of my sons travelled to far flung corners of the world for months on end and shared in my utter excitement as I counted 'the sleeps' I had left until I rushed to Heathrow to greet them I think when our sons/daughters leave home for the first time we 'need' to experience the empty nest feeling but also need to congratulate ourselves on our parenting skills When I was having a 'blubbering moment' a while back someone said to me 'but you gave him wings and thanks to you he can now fly' and it's true! You probably get fed up of me going on about my sons! They are now aged 30(how did that happen!!!) 29, 27 and 26 with only the youngest still at home (alas not for much longer though) and somehow my relationship with each of them has grown, deepened and taken on a new dimension since they left home and whilst I still sometimes long for days gone by I am incredibly proud of them all and my happiness results from seeing them as independent happy adults making their own way in the big wide world. So to anyone experiencing that 'gut wrenching' empty feeling hang on in there it does get better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I just went on a wander through some old posts and found this which I posted in 2004. It was after my eldest son had graduated, returned home, found a job in London and commuted for a while but was finally moving out to live in London. 'He has also reminded me of what he said when he left to go to university - I made some comment about me "untying the apron strings" and he said if I found that tough then not to 'cut' them but just change them for elastic! ' Quite a nice analogy and one I thought 'current empty nest sufferers' might appreciate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 (edited) I dread the day...but am so lucky as my eldest is about to start Uni....and is staying at home...I feel very lucky to keep hold of her for a while longer....however the theory in having 5 children is that one of them will always be around...won't they? There was a method in my madness of having so many children... Edited September 20, 2009 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Well if I started now I would have one at home for another 18 years or so. Could be a plan..... but I don't think I'll convince hubby though. Don't think it would help the foundation degree either. It's a lovely dream but I think that's what it will stay - a dream. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Thanks for all your posts. You all made me cry again!! Ah well, it WILL pass, I know. When I was cleaning her room earlier I was reminded of a sort-of-friend of hers from work who was 20ish I think. He committed suicide over the summer hols under tragic circumstances... It made me count my blessings - at least my babies are only in Manchester, not gone forever. I will smile and keep my chin up, I will. (Just no-one ask me how I am and I'll be fine. Perhaps I should wear a badge to work tomorrow saying 'Don't ask!') Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 You've made me cry, too! Big hugs to all of you missing your "babies" - I might even stop nagging my 14 year old "baby" about cleaning her room and count my blessings instead Nona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbase Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Not there yet, until next year, as my eldest is having a gap year. He is planning to go to Australia though after Christmas and I am dreading it. Staying with an Uncle but it is such a long way to go on his own . Know I have to let him go but my anxiety levels are rising daily as he prepares to get his visa. My thoughts are with all mums and dads saying goodbye over this week and hope all the children settle and soon make friends. Redbase Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upsy Daisy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I will have to stop reading this thread. I am crying again now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Red wine's helping, well at the moment!! Sat on my hands and let her sort out her lost/replacement phone..... thought to ourselves 'she's got to learn' and presto, she got it sorted all by herself.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mrs Tiggy Winkle Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 The first going was the worst I think - kept laying his place at the table for about a month lol 2nd one went to same uni as first, so not as bad somehow - big bro was sort of around to keep an eye, although he was on a work placement at that stage so not actually at the uni. Third one took a gap year and went away to work for 4 months, then was home for 3 months then went away again for a few months, but was within a couple of hours drive of home, so we could still see her. Then in January she moved up to Scotland to be with her boyfriend and they are now renting a flat together - its a whole days drive to get to her if anything goes wrong and I find that really hard - if she was nearer and her car went wrong her dad would be streaight there to look at it for her etc. It is weird being just the two of us, but it does mean we can go away at the last minute without worrying about anyone other than the cats!! I LOVE it when they all come home for Christmas, although 3 has now become 5!! But I am also quite glad to reclaim the house once they go again! We are now in the throes of 'downsizing' while still trying to keep enough rooms to accommodate them all if necessary. It is soooo hard to let go, but the fact that they are all off and making their way in the world just goes to show what a good job we did!!! And they all know we would move heaven and earth to be there if they ever needed us. It does get easier with time but yes... if i could turn back time... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Spiral Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 (edited) Red wine's helping, well at the moment!! Sat on my hands and let her sort out her lost/replacement phone..... thought to ourselves 'she's got to learn' and presto, she got it sorted all by herself.... Thats just brilliant - she can do it and that is down to your hard work...definitely worth a celebratory swig from that glass, well done mum and dad ps. I'm absoloutely convinced that next year I'll be very tearful and will be requiring a big hug as well as a glass or two - thinking of you so very much x Edited September 20, 2009 by Spiral Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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