Older Children

[hali]

,my 14 yr old walked in today at 5pm - havnt seen her since start of hols 4 days ago - complained as there was no hot water fotr shower - then went out to watch Harry Potter and on another sleepover!!!! - happy hols

[Guest]

Lots of familiar sayings have been mentioned, the current ones in our house are;

 

Me " If you ask you don't get" (good grammer eh )

Their reply " If we don't ask we still don't get and how do you know what we want?"

 

ME "Don't ask for anything unless you can take no for an answer"

their reply " yeh but......."

 

hmmmm, just noticed my inconsistency here, first I'm saying 'don't ask', then on the other hand I'm saying if they are going to ask (ie: permission to ask) then be ready for a 'no' response.

 

seems they are on a no win situation, unless of course they learn to trust that I do know what they are going to ask for (far before they've even thought of it) and that I will get them what they want if they keep their 'I wants' to themselves.

 

Confusing isn't it.

 

Peggy

[Cait]

Hmm, I think that what you are saying is that there are ways of asking which are more likely to end in success!

[Guest]

Hmm, I think that what you are saying is that there are ways of asking which are more likely to end in success!

 

 

I wish that was the case but basically I'd just prefer that they stopped asking altogether, every 2 minutes of every day, of every week, of every year....................X 4 children (can you sense the exasperation )

 

as an example, today I'm walking toward the ice-cream van, hand in bag to get my purse and one of my lot asks " Can I have an ice-cream"? AAAAHHHHHH

I think it's a control thing, now he's asked for an ice-cream he's in control of my purse, if I buy him one he thinks he can have everything he asks for, so I explain, I was going to get you one but now you've asked (when I've repeatedly asked you not to ask for stuff) I'm not inclined to get you one now, so now you'll have to WAIT until I decide if and when I'm going to buy you an ice cream. I suppose I was bought up to understand that it's rude to ask and to wait until given. I do wonder if I get annoyed at too many 'little' things but to me 'little' things grow into 'bigger' things and it's not that I don't continually explain my expectations of MANNERS. Or am I just getting old and grumpy.

 

Peggy

[Gezabel]

My 16 year old has a lot of attitude at the moment. She's just done her GCSEs, has a boyfriend, and has said that this this year was the last time she was coming on a family holiday with us. She comes out with........."Stop treating me like a child" and then says something like, "I can't wait until I'm 18 and I can leave home". One wonders where she'll get the money to live away from home. I know it's just a phase but I want my daughter back and not this person who seems like a stranger most of the time and will only speak in a civil manner when she wants money.

 

Can't wait to come through the other end.

Aw dublin bay have a virtual hug and please believe you will come out the other side and will even wonder why you got so upset/stressed by it all.

 

When one of mine was 15 he was off out into town on a saturday morning with a friend. When he realised that we were also going out and heaven forbid we were actually going into town too he said something like

'If you see me walking around town you won't speak to me will you' I can easily recall how hurt and upset I was and believed he was in some way ashamed to be seen with me - even now that seems a logical explanation. When he next wanted a lift the response from his Dad was no, someone might see you in the car with me and we can't have that can we?!!! Of course with hindsight and subsequent conversations with my son I know that it was just him striving for independence, wanting to alone with his friends etc etc.

 

The 'stop treating me like a child' was greeted in our house with something like 'with pleasure as soon as you stop acting like one'

 

Hang on in there it really does get better

[Gezabel]

Me " If you ask you don't get" (good grammer eh )

 

 

Peggy

Reminds me of my Dad! His favourite was 'those who ask don't get and those who don't ask don't want'

never did quite work it out but then I could wind him round my little finger and fluttering eyelashes and a pleeeeeeeeeeease Daddy usually had the desired result

[chocisgood]

I have been reading through this thread with a deep recognition of oh yes been there, said that, yep that happened too!!

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel and today I got it! My lovely son spent the whole evening cleaning , tidying and hoovering his room. I was so surprised. Mind you he is nearly 21!!

So hang in there ladies, and i hope you don't have to wait as long as me!! ( We went with the it's your space, your room ethos ..and i suggest DON'T!)

[hali]

i got my son today booked him his first driving lesson for next week

 

......... he suddenly went very pale and quiet - and still is 4 hours on - bless him

[chocisgood]

Hmm that could be your reaction, when you are brave enough to go out on the road with him!! Oh those lovely memories eeek

[sunnyday]

Hmm that could be your reaction, when you are brave enough to go out on the road with him!! Oh those lovely memories eeek

We didn't 'take ours out on the road with us' EVER ....we paid for their lessons...that was enough!....I would have been far too nervous and Mr Sunnyday.......he would have just taught them his own bad habits!!!

[Panders]

I was happy to take my sons out on the road after they had had 3 lessons with instructor, then my husband took them out once - and gave them the o.k. I then used to let them drive home from school each afternoon and took them out in the evenings for a hour or so. They both learned during the month of July so that was easy enough, no dark nights he he, both older boys had 12 formal lessons and passed the driving test at the end of that time. I am not advocating that, however, they passed the test, but still had an enormous amount to learn if you know what I mean. Youngest son starts lessons this October but has already been driving around during his summer job on a farm, he has driven a tractor, a 4 wheel drive manual jeep and something called a mule - buggy type thing - his confidence in controlling vehicles is particularly good.

[hali]

we cant afford to put him on our car i surances - so lessons it is

[Inge]

I too was very happy to sit next to son when learning to drive... he had a few lessons before so knew the principals, and my car was same as instructors which really helped..

 

He drove me everywhere, and I often took and collected him from college which was half hour away , for his benefit.

 

he had the 12 hours and then failed first test but passed second.. no lessons between just me being patient... Husband was less so , he always wanted me with him.. wonder why..

 

he then had his pass plus booked for motorway driving, went out for 2x 2 hour trips with his instructor who then declared him 'fit' as he had done all other stuff needed for it while learning... this reduced the insurance considerably..

 

 

But he was a scooter owner so road sense positioning etc was already there.. within 2 months he had passed his motorbike test as well with not one fault on his test.. all before turning 18 , so he was now fully mobile..

 

then we say even less of him.. and even less of my car!

 

It was insurance costs which caused the biggest issues, and even now having driven for several years, no claims, it is still an issue for him...

 

Inge

 

and we had a late night cooking issue, on his 18th birthday he walked into a local nightclub and asked for a bar job... the following night he was working behind the bar ! so hence came in at 2 or 3am depending on how busy they were.. hungry.. and then cooked himself something to eat.. being woken by the smell of cooking bacon at 3 am makes you very hungry!

The bar work saw him through until he left Uni.. rising to bar manager of his uni night club... so it was a good move even if it caused us a few sleepless nights

Edited July 31, 2009 by Inge

[Guest]

Oh reading this has bought tears to my eyes! I have 2 boys 12 and 15 (in a months time). The 15 year old definatly doesnt want to be seen with me in town and doesnt even want to talk to me on the phone when he is with his mates! I have to text him now. (not that he answers).

 

I have found it hard as a mum to teenagers, I dont know if its because I have worked in EY for 22 years now and can cope with behaviour etc with that age but not with the teenagers and feel that I havent done a good enough job as a mum. Even my husband said yesterday "you are going to loose control over them if they dont do what you ask". So its been good to read this thread. Thanks to all who have contributed.

[chocisgood]

Hang in there Annabell ! You can do it, and you know where to let off steam when you need to. Sometimes i wished i'd written some of the things down, but maybe not!

[Guest]

Reply for Hali on insurance. We have a 17 year old boy and 19 year old daughter, one learning to drive and the other passed her test 18 months ago. Becky has been a named driver on her older sisters car and as the older one has spent the winter in France Becky had had use of a car whenever she needed it. Now big sis is back in england and has taken car down to cornwall so no car. After a lot of research (to avoid my car being insured for them and me having to share it 3 ways) we have got what we think is a good deal. We bought a P reg corsa from a friend for £250 and got insurance through Virgin for £1019. That was to have the car in Becky's name with Jonathan as a named driver. It's only insured third party, fire and theft but thats fine and at least Becky will start to build up her no claims. It doesn't even go up once Jonathan has passed his test and my car's safe too!!

[Guest]

Plus point to add when your children do pass their test...we have just been to another family wedding and whopppeee my daughter drove us all home so that me and my husband could have a drink...there are some benefits!

 

However I will add, I don't usually like to moan about my children, but hey lets be realistic here: week two and noone seems to want to help me do anything!! Everytime I suggest that maybe someone could put the washing out, or make a cup of tea or even get off the computer...I am hit with groans from 5 unwilling grumpy children/adults....the weather doesn't help....we can't do stuff, I am sat here now, all 5 in bed and the rain is pouring down....no wonder they are fed up - when they get up we are so limited in what to do...I have already exhausted swimming, cinema, walks, picnics and now I am penniless! so therapeutic to let it out on here...I didn't really how fed up I felt until I started typing!

 

And as for work stuff as soon as I start doing bits for September I am inundated with requests from the children...my summer to do list is on hold!

 

Empathy to all parents, yes the rewards are great but it is the hardest job in the world......