Hit Back Or Not?

[Cait]

Today we had an incident where a child hit another child in the face, allegedly because the other child had hit him first. I had a word with Mum at the end of that day who told me that she has told him in no uncertain terms that if a child hits him he must hit them back.

I tried to convince her that this wasn't appropriate, and that if someone hits him he must tell one of the adults, but she insisted that her way was what he'd be doing.

 

So, we'd obviously have total anarchy if this was the rule for every child, plus what if it's a new little 2 year old who hits him, or he's hit by accident - does he 'shoot first and ask questions later?'

 

I'm just not getting through to this Mum - any quick thought as I'm going to have to address this quickly.

[sunnyday]

Oh Cait ....what a tricky one .......

 

Think I would tell mum that you consider 'hitting' as inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour at pre-school........could add that Primary School will feel the same way..... I have been known to add that for good measure!!!

 

A case of 'we don't do that here' ...... wouldn't mind a pound for everytime I have said that!

[Panders]

In a sense Cait, I think you have done all that you can do, you have spoken with mum, told her that as far as your nursery is concerned this is viewed as unwanted behaviour from her child and should it happen again, you will discipline their child again as you would any other. If she disagrees with your rules, she has her options doesn't she?!

 

You may never change this parent's attitude, but you do need to inform her each and every time there is an incident and continue to explain your point of view.

 

You can work on the child while they are with you and may be you can change their mind, maybe they will learn a different rule at your "house" to their own, afterall, we do have to learn different behaviours for different situations even as adults.

 

There is also the talk to all the children about that type of behaviour as being something you don't want and neither should they.

 

I know my view may seem harsh, but we must stand up for what we believe to be right, every child has the right to come to nursery and feel safe.

[Cait]

Thanks you two. Yes, I've done the 'at school they won't like it' bit and I think you are right Panders, she's as set in her mind set as I am in mine. I'm not going to change her mind at this late stage. Only another 5 weeks of the little darling!

[sunnyday]

Not harsh at all Panders - I couldn't agree more.

 

Sunnyday

[Guest]

Today we had an incident where a child hit another child in the face, allegedly because the other child had hit him first. I had a word with Mum at the end of that day who told me that she has told him in no uncertain terms that if a child hits him he must hit them back.

I tried to convince her that this wasn't appropriate, and that if someone hits him he must tell one of the adults, but she insisted that her way was what he'd be doing.

 

So, we'd obviously have total anarchy if this was the rule for every child, plus what if it's a new little 2 year old who hits him, or he's hit by accident - does he 'shoot first and ask questions later?'

 

I'm just not getting through to this Mum - any quick thought as I'm going to have to address this quickly.

State clear that your rules are that he comes tells a member of staff u,ll will deal with it, when he,s out of the setting its down to them .I normally say to my children its not nice we don t have that kind thing in here , they say well i do it at home i point out where not at home but school . The child will sooner learn the rule of school .With luck mum will to .

[Cait]

She just insists she was bullied at school and she's determined that he won't be - she can't see past this unfortunately

[Inge]

which of course is why she is doing it, but she may not realise she is raising her child to be the bully she hated... wouldn't know how to get that across but it is highly likely if he sees hitting as 'normal' it may develop into not just hit back but hit out..

 

Inge

[HappyMaz]

She just insists she was bullied at school and she's determined that he won't be - she can't see past this unfortunately

which of course is why she is doing it, but she may not realise she is raising her child to be the bully she hated... wouldn't know how to get that across but it is highly likely if he sees hitting as 'normal' it may develop into not just hit back but hit out..

I couldn't agree more: this could be a real case of history repeating itself, except it seems it may have skipped a generation. Her own experiences have obviously helped form her views and as everyone has said, you won't change her mind now. All you can do it continue to manage it as you are doing, and whenever you need to tell her about her child's behaviour you'll just need to keep on plugging away at the message that violence isn't the way to resolve a problem.

 

We are all a product of our own upbringing and childhood experiences, and they impact on our ability to parent our children effectively. Knowing how this parent feels and why at least helps you understand where she's coming from, even if you don't agree with her standpoint.

 

As you say, only five weeks to go...

 

Maz

[Guest]

In this 'common' situation I also used to explain to parents what other strategies we use to teach the children how to stand up for themselves without resorting to aggression/violence/bullying. Maybe the 'tell a teacher' rule is not good enough for her if in HER experience this didn't stop her being bullied, maybe she wasn't listened to and fears the same for her child.

 

We taught our preschool children the 'own space' right, that if anyone invaded their space it's ok to hold your hand up (like a 'stop' hand sign) and say to the other child (or person) very loudly 'NO' don't do that or 'NO' I don't like that. Same if another child hits them to say very loudly 'STOP' or 'NO' and to 'get away'.

 

We practiced this a lot which the children actually found quite fun, in a roleplay kind of way.

 

Peggy

 

p.s. My hubby is of the hit back brigade , so when I hear him telling our older boys this, I say to them quietly, of course if you're old enough to stand up for yourselves like that you are also old enough to take the consequences of your actions. IE, if you get detention etc at school for hitting back then you have to accept that. And as an adult you wcould be charged, fined and even get a criminal record.

[Cait]

Thank you Peggy - some food for thought there

[Guest]

Hit the mum - when she asks why she did that, tell her 'my mother said I must hit adults who get on my nerves'

 

Failing that tell her that you don't tolerate violence in your room full stop. No matter what the reason, a child will be repremanded for any violence - instead they are taught to talk about their problems - something that may have helped the mum during her own schooling.