Advice needed - have I over reacted?

[HappyMaz]

Apologies for this long and convoluted post but I need a bit of advice/support about a conversation I've just had with a friend about domestic violence in his friends' relationship.

 

He is a mutual friend of a couple who have recently separated. My friend started by asking me to keep anything he said confidential (I don't know the couple) and although I agreed to that, I did say that if there was any concern about a child protection issue, then I would be very direct about what I thought he should do. He said there was no danger to the children, and so he proceeded.

 

There children continue to live with their mother following their father's departure and she has confided in my friend that throughout her marriage her husband was violent and emotionally abusive towards her. My friend says he had never detected any hint of this in all the time he has known them, and that this has come as a complete surprise to him.

 

This violence was described as 'low level' - worst case scenario is that she was punched or slapped but apparently there was a lot of physical and emotional pushing around. She also told him that she had heard 'thousands' of apologies from her husband about his behaviour towards her.

 

When I asked what the children knew, my friend said that the wife had told him that they are aware that their dad isn't very kind to mum.

 

At this point I said that I thought there may be a child protection issue if the children had witnessed the violence, although my friend said he was sure this wasn't the case. He did seem a little less certain of this when I asked how they were aware that dad wasn't being kind to their mum if they hadn't actually seen anything? I also pointed out that 'thousands' of apologies over the span of a twenty year marriage wasn't exactly an infrequent occurrence, and how could that number of incidences - even if they were indeed 'low level' - be kept from the children?

 

As we talked, the colour drained from my friend's face. He had been more concerned about what he should do about his friend and the fact that although he had no reason to doubt what the wife had said, he only had her word that what she had said was true. If he continued to be friends with the husband, was he condoning his behaviour? When I asked how he would feel if one of the children presented with a non-accidental or unexplainable injury in future, he went even paler.

 

So dear friends. The question is this. Did I over react? Am I right in thinking there may well be a risk to the children's mental and physical wellbeing, even if they are not at immediate, serious risk of harm? Is there any likelihood that a man who is used to routinely abusing his wife in this way will take out his frustrations on his children given that she is no longer there to take the brunt of his anger?

 

Or am I just being over sensitive and have I just alarmed my friend unnecessarily? I have urged him to contact the NSPCC helpline so that he can get some professional advice (based on the more detailed information that he can provide about what the wife has told him - he only gave me a very surface description). He said categorically that he would not consider talking to Social Care, but seemed more open to the idea of talking to the NSPCC on the basis that they would give him impartial advice.

 

If you were in my shoes what would you have done?

 

[Rea]

Its always a case of 'one side of the story' isn't it? Very difficult if you weren't there.

I think I would like to know both parents are being treated fairly, that both have had their say so that any future decisions are subjective. I'm sure the NSPCC would do that, so I think pointing your friend in the direction of them is good. You might have scared him, but if he speaks to them and finds out it was nothing he can at least tell you you're a pessamist or a worry wort, but if they say there was more to it, he'll thank you for your input.

Always a difficult call, hope momwas exagerating or at least that the children really didn't know what was going on.

[sunnyday]

Hi Maz - stop worrying - I'm certain that you have 'done the right thing'.

[Stargrower]

I think you have totally done the right thing. What do we always say? If there is even the tiniest seed of doubt in your mind, then do something about it. It doesn't matter if someone thinks you're over reacting, speaking out of turn, being nosey etc (I'm not saying you're doing any of those things Maz, just making a point! ) it is the responsibility of adults to protect children and that is what you're trying to help your friend to do.

[Susan]

Maz, he was worried enough to confide in you. He may very well not have liked your responses but they were probably niggling at him anyway hence his discussion with you. That you confirmed his doubts is not over reaction. Hope he gets the professional help he needs.

[HappyMaz]

Thanks everyone. I've no idea what he'll do next, but I did say that I would be checking. So we shall see.

[catma]

DV is not always about physical violence remember - the DfE redefined it in MArch.

New definition

Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:

• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotional

Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour.

Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”*

*This definition includes so called ‘honour’ based violence, female genital mutilation (FGM) and forced marriage, and is clear that victims are not confined to one gender or ethnic group.

[redjayne]

If children have witnessed DV - even if they have never been injured themselves by the perp then they are judged by social care/nspcc etc. as suffering from emotional abuse, and will need support for this. So hopefully if the friend talks to the NSPCC the children will get the support they need as well as the support for the parents.

[HappyMaz]

I haven't been around online for a little while but I've been following the responses on my 'phone - thanks so much everyone.

 

I think I had a moment of uncertainty - in my heart I knew I'd said all the right things but in the face of his reaction I doubted myself.

 

Thanks especially to catma - I cut and pasted your post and sent it off to him as a bit of extra ammunition.

 

This is why I love the forum so much! :1b