Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hi everyone, most of the NEW Children have settled into the routine, leave their parents with a few tears however I have one parent who will not leave, the child has been fine up until Monday when mum stayed Tuesday when I gently asked mum that it was ok to leave, the child screamed the place down. Now she will not leave, we have reasured the child, reassured the parent, used distraction. I normally ask parents to kiss their child and say goodbye ANY SUGGESTIONS PLEASE ANYTHING IS WELCOME Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 [font="Comic Sans MS"]what has happened to my English child stayed for 2 hours last week he was okay no tears monday mum stayed 2 hours didn't want to leave that was okay we talked and re-assured her Tuesday I asked mum she could go and have a coffee she was in tears child was in tears - I nearly cried tooo Wednesday more tears Thursday came and left with child someone help[/font] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suebear Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hi ZeeZee, Just wondered what sort of setting you are and how old the child is? Also do you have a settling in policy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
apple Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hi zeezee is it possible for mum to sit in the staff room or somewhere similar for a little while, she could have a coffee while waiting? When we ask parents to do this we say that we shall let them know how their child is getting on- I even take a couple of photos if I catch the children beginning to play or enjoy themselves and pop back to the staff room to reassure mum/dad etc. However, if the child does not settle when we call mum back in we say that this is the signal to go home- that way the child begins to know that when mum comes back it is time to go. This seems to work for us and bit by bit we build up both the trust of the parent and the trust of the child. Just talk to mum after school or during if you can get some quality time with her to reassure her and to allow her to trust you x good luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 hi we are a private sessional nursery school Although we have a settling in policy I do like to work with the parents trying to meet their needs. The child is 2 years old and has never been left with anyone. I welcome the families to an introduction sessions at the end of the term (previous term) I welcome the families to welcome sessions - introductions, one hour sessions, following one and a half hour sessions, week one - children stay for 2 hours week two - children stay for 2.5 hours unless they are ready to stay all morning week three - children stay for full session Our session is 3.5 hours per day, we only open in the morning I just need suggestions or ideas and help to look after the parent - I know it is difficult Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Panders Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hi zeezee, don't think there are any magic answers to this old problem. Parent and child are so in tune that they upset each other and feel each others vibes. Perhaps at 2 years old it is too soon for this family to be parted and another 6 months may well do the trick, mum should really practice during that time leaving him for short periods of time, even if she only goes upstairs and leaves him with dad or grandparent, then come back again, so that he gets the idea of mummy goes but always comes back. I must say I like the idea above about when parent does leave for short amount of time and comes back that they then take the child home and not stay and play, this is an excellent way of getting the message across (and I shall nick that one!!!) Even now one of our families if mum stays too long first thing the boy is so upset when she leaves, he's fine 5 minutes later but it's very upsetting for them at the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 we do not have a staff room however we do have a kitchen where mum peaks through however when she hears her child crying she comes in and stays. I like your idea apple of when mum does come in she leaves with her child, perhaps by staying the child thinks this is the norm. I also think though that mum is not ready to let go. Memories Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyPancakes Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Today I saw something new that was happening in our school nursery (three year olds so a bit older). Anxious parent was asked to wait in reception. After about ten minutes the receptionist ducked into the nursery, had a word with the teacher and took a photo back to show the parent that the child had settled well. I just thought it was brilliant. Sometimes I think it's the anxiety of the parent that is the hardest to overcome. Good luck, Honey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 I totally agree I am taking my video camera in next week just to show how easily children settle - you watch everyone will be in tears - hope not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 we had a little boy last term who came and he got so distressed we thought it was too soon for him as he was just 2, his mum agreed aswell, this september he has come back as a completly diffrent child, happy, confident and separates from mum with no problems at all, maybe thats the answer for you too???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Er....right....Ok.....prepared to get shot down in flames here...... Why can't mum stay, if that is what she wants to do? I have two mums staying at the moment.........one of them I know really doesn't needto - but it's what she is comfortable with and the other one really, reallydoes need to for her daughter's comfort........I am perfectly happy with this arrangement........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 Er....right....Ok.....prepared to get shot down in flames here...... Not at all. At Pen Green I think they expect a parent/carer/grandma/childminder or whoever to stay with the child at nursery for at least two weeks to enable the child to settle into the setting. It is at this stage that the relationship between setting and family are fostered and the parents are made to feel welcome and part of the life of the Centre. Of course it helps that there is a dedicated family room, and that the families have generally used the Centre's other community facilities. However, the time the parent spends with the child in the centre is well spent in making the child feel at home and safe and secure, and in building the trust of the family that the Centre will take care of their child. Settling a child is or can be such a difficult thing to manage well - there is no 'one size fits all' approach because each child and family situation is so different. Often we are meeting the parent's needs in being able to separate from their child successfully - especially if we are the first people they have ever entrusted the care of their child to. Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mps09 Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 While I agree with the previous posts, I also find that once a child gets upset (sometime before even reaching the door!) they are not going to settle while a parent/carer is there, but most do the second mum leaves! It is often the parents anxiety which is more difficult and we send home this note... settling_in.pdf You do have to consider why mum want to stay - yes it might be ok, but then if she is anxious about leaving her child that child is not going to feel that the setting is a safe place to be! Some gentle words might be needed.. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 You do have to consider why mum want to stay - yes it might be ok, but then if she is anxious about leaving her child that child is not going to feel that the setting is a safe place to be! Agreed. However I have known some parents who need that time spent in the setting to reassure themselves that their child will be cared for as they would wish. It is much easier to persuade mum that the time is right for her to leave when you can demonstrate that her child is happy and settled and is ready to be left on her own. Ultimately the child does need to come to understand that the setting is 'their' place and that generally mummies leave them and then return at the appropriate time to collect them at the end of the session. I think communication is the key - as you say, gentle words are important! Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 I understand fully, I do not mind the parent staying if that is what the parent wants to do however when will the child settle if mum is literally glued to his side or being held. I do not want to seem mean!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 I do not want to seem mean!!! For everything I've said about allowing parents to stay for as long as they and their child need, there does come a time when you may need to be a bit more assertive than maybe the parent is ready for. Perhaps it is time for a serious chat with mum about what you think is happening from the child's perspective, and agree a settling procedure that meets the needs of the child to be able to attend the setting on her own, but will also reassure the parent. Perhaps you could confirm it in writing, with a date for another chat to review how things are going so that you can keep it all on track. Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted September 23, 2010 Share Posted September 23, 2010 I understand fully, I do not mind the parent staying if that is what the parent wants to do however when will the child settle if mum is literally glued to his side or being held. I do not want to seem mean!!! I don't think you are mean and I apologise unreservedly if I gave that impression...... I can only try to explain my own feelings - I am all for the gently, gently approach with both children and parents.......this has always worked well for me, however, I take on board that it is not every ones 'style'....... As a (very) mature, confident adult I can still find it difficult to walk into a 'strange place', full of people whom I have no connection with - so, that said, what a huge 'ask' to expect a two year old to do this........add to that, the fact that I would be in control and could leave whenever I chose to, whereas the two year old has no understanding of time and certainly cannot exercise any free will...... Parents can have many insecurities about parting from their children.....we have, I'm sure, all come across what I call 'needy' mums, but sometimes, just sometimes there may be a sound reason behind their 'neediness' that we can't hope to know until we give them time to get to know us and allow a relationship to build....... Hope this is a better explanation....... Good luck with it all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MaryEMac Posted September 24, 2010 Share Posted September 24, 2010 We also let mum's stay if they need to but hope that after two weeks that they will start to leave their child for short periods of time. One mum last year brought a timer in and when she left she set it, gave it too the child and said that she would be back when it rang. This worked a treat. The first time it was for 15 min, then half an hour and then for snack time. Mum was brilliant and was always on time and after a week the child was happy for mum to leave her. On the other hand we had a mum whose daughter should have gone to school in Sept, but mum said that she wasn't ready and wouldn't cope. After a week we knew that mum wasn't ready. This mum stayed for almost half a term and we really couldn't shift her and her daughter couldn't make relationships withanyone else because mum was there. It took another child to make mum leave. She walked up to the mum, folded her arms and said, " Why are you still here, cos all the other mummies have gone home?" The mum left that morning as we had snack and never stayed again. Her daughter blossomed and made some good friends. So it usually works out in the end, one way or another !! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 24, 2010 Share Posted September 24, 2010 I notice you said the child had been fine until today. Was mum previously leaving with no fussing on the part of the child? I know that I'm talking about an older age group here but we had a child start school who had no problems the first week, but then in the second week started kicking up a major fuss. He has literally caused bruises to several members of staff (myself included) as we have had to yank him away from mum and physically pin him down until he calms down. The one time we didn't he trashed the classroom. After 10 minutes he comes out of it, the whole thing is put on for the benefit of mum who treats him like a baby still and when he realises she's gone and isn't coming back he stops and is a happy boy for the rest of the day. The only way we got round it was by telling mum that she had to leave immediately the teachers collected the children from the playground (no staying or anything). As soon as she started doing that he stopped fussing because he realised that there was no longer the option of mum coming around to the classroom and 'settling him in' (which was what caused the tantrums when mum left). We think that perhaps once he realised he was going to come back to school for a second week he tried his luck with the tantrums and also that mum had probably spoiled him rotten over that weekend after the first week because her 'baby' had been away from her (he's already obviously a very spoilt little boy) increasing the attachment issues which they both already had. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and whilst this child is much younger I would say that if you previously had no issues with her then it is mum with the problem, not the child and that the best thing for the child might be to take a very firm line with mum, otherwise the child is just going to get more and more confused about what's supposed to happen with regards to nursery. Does the child calm down when mum eventually leaves or have you not managed to get that far yet with mum? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 27, 2010 Share Posted September 27, 2010 Oh I do not know, it is so difficult, on one hand I want to let the mum stay all day and on the other hand the will be able to flourish if she leaves. I just do not know. Mum didn't come in today - I have left it up to her though - if she wants to stay she can. The only thing is she doesn't sit in an area she hold's on to the child all the time - and asks do you want to..... do you want to sit down ..... do you want to play in home corner - and if the child sayes no she walks around to the next area. As I said I do not want to mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted September 27, 2010 Share Posted September 27, 2010 As I said I do not want to mean. You're not being mean - you just want what is best for the child. Can you reach an agreement with mum that if she does stay she sits down at a table or an activity with a group of children and allow her child to choose what she wants to do rather than following her around the setting? That way she will be occupied and hopefully less stressed, and her daughter will benefit from knowing that her mum is there, but might feel confident to explore what is on offer and begin to develop her own ideas about what she wants to do. Perhaps when mum is happy that her daughter is settled, happy and confident, she'll feel less like hanging around. Maz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 28, 2010 Share Posted September 28, 2010 thank you for your comments, mum is coming in to nursery tomorrow, I will let you know them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 29, 2010 Share Posted September 29, 2010 As a teacher I know that in general children settle much quicker when a child is left however as a mummy I know how hard it can be to leave a child. there is also the perspective of the child - if one parent stays why cant theirs?? I guess everyone is different and as long as we all respect that then there must also be very different solutions for all of us. My gut instinct is that if mum isn't ready then she either needs to stay and be a regular helper - doing more activities away from her child building up to a point where she can leave to go to the loo or make a cuppa. Or she needs to reconsider this setting in another 6mths. The child most likely wont remember this experience but mum will and she is going to impose her negative views(even without meaning to) in 6mths time too..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 29, 2010 Share Posted September 29, 2010 mum came in today, she stayed with her child and followed her around the room, I did try to distract her- but then I an early years advisior visit and was distracted. But she did stay and play (the child) and she did enjoy a snack time - mum very close by. They are coming back tomorrow for an hour, then the same next week for an hour and a half. I did advise mum to wait for a while as I feel she is not ready to be parted, but doesn't want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2010 Share Posted October 3, 2010 I was just wondering how things had gone for you through the rest of the week? It does sound as if it's mum that is not ready, rather than the child. Has there been any progress? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 4, 2010 Share Posted October 4, 2010 Hi all, it is now week 5 = I have taken a member of staff to visit the family at home I have taken several photos and displayed them around the room, I have asked mum to bring a key fob with a photo of her which so happened to be left at home today... Wednesday mum came and sat close by didn't want to leave - which is understandable because we had a break Thursday mum came in with the double buggie with the baby and sat with the child - I tried to distract mum by giving her an activity to focus on while the practitioner supported child. Friday mum stayed for the first hour then moved to another area I suggested to go to have a coffee in the kitchen which she did, she said goodbye to the child telling it she was leaving now. At this point the child said goodbye and carried on with the activity. He filled his nappy and began to cry, we tried to change her but the child didn't want to until I brought out the puppets and engaged him in a game but I really do not know how mum came into the room as the doors were locked but she appeared, and took her home. Today mum and child and sibling in a big double buggie came into the nursery the child was glued to mum's side for a while but got up and began to engage in activities, helped prepare for snack and settled in and said good bye to mum see you later. I had a chat with mum saying if there were any changes that I would call her. she agreed and parted actually went home... However after an hour the child got distressed and had to call her back and she stayed with the baby and the double buggie. I do not think mum is ready to let go Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Just had a catch up on the situation. I always allow mums to stay for a while but if the child is fine then get the mums to go. I always ask if they want to stay and if they say they don't know I tell them to go and we will see how it goes. This term I have had a mother bring in her child and the child was very clinging and mum very anxious. Grandmother came as well and tried to tell mum to leave. which she did but reluctantly. this went on for 3/4 weeks. I then spoke to mum and asked her what her worries were about leaving her child. She said she didn't want him to cry and get upset!!!. I said that her nervousness was showing and the tone of her voice and body language all told this child that this was a bad place and that he was going to get to cry and get upset. I told her to be positive and did she think he was going to have a good time. she said that she knew he would stop crying when she had left. The next time she brought the child in we had no crying, nothing he came in happy and went off and played!!! If the mothers body language and tone of voice give a small hint that she is unhappy with leaving them the children will pick up on it. All the children kow is that mum is nervous about this place and there must be something wrong with it thats why mum is sad and worried. I always find that it is 70% mum most of the time hope things have settled down now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 If the mothers body language and tone of voice give a small hint that she is unhappy with leaving them the children will pick up on it. All the children kow is that mum is nervous about this place and there must be something wrong with it thats why mum is sad and worried. I completely agree steph.......but then I see that as another good reason to allow mums to stay if they feel the need to.......they soon see that the children are all well cared for, that we are 'nice' people, that the children have a lovely time at pre-school and that there is really nothing to worry about! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 11, 2010 Share Posted October 11, 2010 Today mum and child and sibling in a big double buggie came into the nursery the child was glued to mum's side for a while but got up and began to engage in activities, helped prepare for snack and settled in and said good bye to mum see you later. I had a chat with mum saying if there were any changes that I would call her. she agreed and parted actually went home...However after an hour the child got distressed and had to call her back and she stayed with the baby and the double buggie. I do not think mum is ready to let go Thanks for the update, it's always interesting to hear how things are going. Why did you have to call mum back? Was the child distressed for a long time and wouldn't calm down or did you call her as soon as there was any sign of distress? Could mum maybe agree to leave for a certain amount of time if the child (or mum!) isn't ready to cope with a full session? So leave the child for say an hour and let the child know when she'll be back. That way mum can hopefully reappear while the child is still having a good time, thus starting a "but I don't want to go, I'm enjoying myself" mindset in the child and also letting mum see her child coping without her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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