So So Sad - What Do I Say ?

[blondie]

one of my key children mum was due to have a baby the first week in may - the little girl was very excited talking about how she was going to be a big sister and was passing on all her clothes etc as she was big and the baby would be small etc - however i saw a friend of the mum who said sadly the baby had died in womb and mum had had to have baby just before the easter holidays.

she said mum had asked her to tell anyone she saw as would be easier for than people assuming she had had baby and it was at home with nan /dad etc.and asking her what she had had etc

nan will be bringing in the little girl tomorrow - i know she will be upset - what do you say ? also when meet mum in few weeks time ?

i think i know what i need to say but it is a very hard situation - so any help greatly apprecited x

Edited April 18, 2010 by blondie

[Guest Spiral]

Oh, how terribly sad for the whole family.

 

Is there any chance you could contact mum or dad and ask what they have told the little one so that you know how to follow suit?

 

Or maybe a staff member could help to take the little girl in first thing and you could have a word with the grandparents?

 

It is such a sad loss.

 

Best of luck,

 

Spiral

[HappyMaz]

I agree with spiral about finding out what the family has told the little girl so that you can adopt the same approach, if it is appropriate.

 

As for what you say to the grown ups, I guess the only thing you can really do is acknowledge and sympathise their loss using whatever words you feel comfortable with, and offer support as and when they might need it.

 

It is very sad when these things happen especially as they are quite rare occurrences these days. Children can be surprisingly resilient in these circumstances and your child will need the familiarity and the routine that your setting offers. I remember being in a similar situation to yours many years ago when the dad of one of our three year olds died following a long illness. We all worried about what to say and do, but she was very matter of fact about what had happened and just needed us to listen when she wanted to talk about her dad, but mostly to help her carry on with life.

 

Good luck - I'm sure it is going to be an emotional few days and weeks to come.

 

Maz

[Guest]

Oh how very sad!

 

I agree you have to acknowledge their loss and grief when you see them but think I'd send a card with a little note asking how they'd like you to handle it with their daughter. A note gives them chance to consider their response and put their thoughts in a note back - sometimes a question like can catch them unawares and emotions are already running high.

 

They're probably dreading facing people for the first time - I know I did when my Dad died. Couldn't decide what was worse, people who ignored me and my loss or those who gave me sympathy and a much needed hug, which inevitably led to tears!

 

You'll know the "right" response when you see them! An emotional time for everyone.

 

Nona

Edited April 18, 2010 by Guest

[Guest]

Hi

 

What terribly sad news. I agree with what everybody else has said about finding out what the child has been told. As for what to say to the parent I have always found it best to be completly honest. I would say something along the lines of 'I really don't know what to say but I just wanted to let you know that i'm here for you and please tell me if there is anything I can do for you' That way the parent knows that you are thinking of them but doesn't have to get too involved in a conversation that they might not be ready to have. I think you will instinctively know from their response how to take it from there.

 

Rapunzel x

[SmileyPR]

I agree with you all. Good idea of the written condolence card and Rapunzel's simple words, but from your heart as Maz said. Listening to the child, without provoking the conversation, will be the best. Does the child have a key helper/person there at your place?

[narnia]

I agree, the worst thing to say is nothing at all, even if you fumble for words, at least they will know that you are trying. My sister lost a baby at birth and she said the worst thing really was the people who crossed the street rather than talk to her even though she understood it was probably embarrassment, or perhaps no wanting to hurt her feelings, but acknowledging this little life, even though it has been lost, is very important.All their hopes and dreams have been lost at the moment and they need the comfort of kindness. The little girl will probably cope better than her parents tbh, children do seem to have an innate capacity to cope, but yes, ask the parents,or granny what to say if she talks about the baby. I'd probably phone them actually, it breaks the ice, lets them know that you have heard their news and that you care, then makes it easier to talk to them when you see them?

[Stargrower]

What a sad situation to deal with. I can't really add any more than what has already been said. I agree that its really important that you acknowledge with the family what has happened... a card in the first instance is probably easiest. As everyone has said, the little girl may be very matter of fact about it all, but watch out for those changes in behaviour that will tell you she may not be coping as well as everyone thinks.

I'm sure when the moment comes, you will deal with it very well

Beehive

[sunnyday]

Hi blondie.........great advice already so nothing much to add......hope it all went OK today......