Bit Of Advice From You Wonderful People Would Be Great

[Guest]

Hello,

 

I come on here intermitantly now, just because i always seem too busy to get her nowadays.

 

anyway, but of background..... I have worked in a nurseries for 12 years now after gaining my NNEB, i then did my degree whilst working with children. i have been a manager of a setting for three years and i am now currently an assistant manager of another setting (have been there 18 months now), its a large chain and although i don't wish to slate it, i am having issues with my nursery.

 

We are way under on occupancy, and not getting many enquiries, though we do have an open day soon. My Manager has left to go on early maternity leave, though the lead up to this was that she was signed off with stress. I did her job for 7 weeks, with many people higher up dictating to me what needed to be changed and frequently reminding me that we were underperforming and making a loss. My managers boss (our ops manager) has come from a sales background so obviously he wants to drive sales. He is not remotley sympathetic to the needs and feelings of the staff (be it on occasions, emotional and stressed staff). when my manager went off with stress the ops manager told me that ' anyone can say they are stressed'..... basically he is not most approachable. anyway, i am now off myself with stress, combination of trying for our own family and work. I have been signed off for two weeks now and even now am dreading returning to work, I spoke to HR who although remotley supportive she questionned why i had not flagged up my stress sooner. I am a very private person, i did not want to disclose this to my employers - i appreciate if i don't disclose it they can't help, but i did not want to be judged either. She asked me to speak to my ops manager next week and tell him if i would be returning. because i find that i can not talk to him and becaue he feels that stress is an illness, that seemingly anyone can fabricate (which if course i know it's not) i don't want to talk to him. I sent him an e-mail the day i got signed off, i have copied it in below.

 

Hello A__________,

 

I have been in contact with the nursery and HR to keep them informed of my absense.

 

I had not taken the opportunity to express to you how extremely stressful events in my life have been over the recent weeks, and following a brief discussion with S______i realise that maybe i have been a 'closed book' when it comes to expressing my stress levels (to yourself and her), which i now appreciate is not helpful and can not lend itself to letting anyone within management / HR support me. I am a private person, and unfortunatly really struggle to open up (on a personal level) to people that i do not know well. In the instances of having to discuss emotion and feelings i express myself better in writing, hence this e-mail................ i accept maybe not the most 'professional' form of communication to you, but it is communication nonetheless.

 

I found R_____ (my manager) leaving nursery hard, after working closely with someone for over a year and then for them suddenly to leave it was a change. I then found that as time passed it became apparent that things had maybe not been done as they should at __________ and i burdoned myself with the responsability for all that was maybe wrong. I spoke with p_____ (ops assistant) about this and she told me to not take it personally, but maybe subconciously i have. I maybe should have quizzed R____ more about some of the things in nursery, but equally she was my manager and i did not feel it was my place to question. now looking at it, in perhaps a more rational light i should have been more pro-active in pushing my point and ideas with some issues. needless to say the past is in the past and _______ (our nursery), and myself need to move forward.

 

I hope that you feel i am the right person to be the assistant manager at _______ (our nursery), i know i have worked hard over the last 7 or so weeks, but i also know i can give so much more and maybe my unsettlement in nursery and in my personal life has hindered my enthusiasm and drive for the nursery. This is why i feel it is absoloutly essential that i do take these two weeks off to find myself again, and my motivation and enthusiasm for my career. I am pleased to have W______(another assistant manager) on board at nursery, she has great ideas and i want to work with her to build the nursery up.

 

I love working at nursery, i fully intend to return and i am using these two weeks to find calm in my own life and to deal with the stress by undertaking some cognitive behavioural therapy actvities.

 

I wrote this e-mail because i wanted you to know that taking these two weeks off work was not an easy decision for me, especially not when the open day is coming up

 

I understand that i will need to have a return to work interview with someone when i return and accept that i will at that point have to discuss my sickness, but i would ask that after that meeting my sickness is not held over me and that i can return to doing my job to the best of my ability. Of course, i recognise my sickness will remain on my file but i would appreicate confidentiality within the nursery and that my sickness is only disclosed to the people that need to know about it.

 

i have CC S_________ into this e-mail for her reference.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, i appreciate you are very busy and you generally prefer telephone conversations, but i hope that this once you may understand that it was personally easier for me to share the above in writing on this occasion.

 

Kind regards

 

Dawn

 

I have had no response from the e-mail. I now wonder if i did the wrong thing in sending it??????, i would have thought that this once he may have accepted that i could communicate better (in my current emotional state) by wirting..... without a doubt i will have to talk to him next week and i am dreading it.

 

i spoke to my husband last night and although i do love my job, i struggle to get there each day (very emotional before leaving the house for work), detatched at work, feel bogged down by the work in the office and the expectations that the nursery needs to turn around and quickly. I feel judged by the ops manager, and more so now, as i know his view on stress. I know if i return i will be judged for being off, but then again maybe i am just feeling highly emotional.

 

now is not a good time to be out of work, because there are no jobs.... but have any of you ever got to the stage where you wonder if working with children is still right.

 

i do feel stressed and i can't see this changing, but equally i am not happy not to be working either.

 

would you go back to work after two weeks, hold your head up high and get on with it, or would you be making some choices about your career now?

 

any words of advice or support would be very much appreciated

 

thank you

 

Dawn

Edited September 16, 2011 by Guest

[Inge]

I think you really do know what is best for yourself and your well being.. you have said as much in your post... but need a bit of objective thinking perhaps to help you to make the final decision...

 

 

In a nutshell ,you are not happy at work, it is causing you health issues and you cannot see this changing... you want to work but is it worth working to the detriment of your health..

 

On a personal side you are trying to become pregnant.. but all the stress and work issues will not help in this ..

 

I would rethink my position..list pluses and minuses.. write it down.. often you get a clearer picture when it is in black and white ( or whatever colours you choose to use!)

look at finances and decide if it is possible for you to leave without another job,

or start the job search now,

or stay and see how it pans out - do you think it will change at all, another meet with HR be any help? ...(I wonder with 2 staff off with stress)

 

 

You need to look at your own needs.... ( if memory serves me right you have had a few problems in your jobs)

 

This break may help you decide on what to to do...

[Guest]

Thanks Inge,

 

i think i know what i need to do, its just the doing it part that may be hard. it was great to have another persepctive, so thank you.

 

My husband has said we will be okay for about 6 months without me working, plus reality is when we have children i won't work anyway, so we know we would be okay for me not to work now. I guess i am struggling with a pride issue here, we have only been married 6 months, i love him completely and i know he loves me, but i don't want to have to rely on him..... i know i need to get this out of my head... marriage is complete, for richer for poorer, for happy and sad times. I know he will support me.

 

I am not an non - worker though, m y husband suggested some voluntary work somewhere to keep me busy... i don't know.

 

oh, and yes, your memory does serve you correctly, i am the one that has had work issues in the past. in fact i think that these issues are what has ultimnatly knocked my confidence in childcare and put me off having the same passion and drive i once had,

 

Thanks for you advice

 

Dawn

 

 

 

I think you really do know what is best for yourself and your well being.. you have said as much in your post... but need a bit of objective thinking perhaps to help you to make the final decision...

 

 

In a nutshell ,you are not happy at work, it is causing you health issues and you cannot see this changing... you want to work but is it worth working to the detriment of your health..

 

On a personal side you are trying to become pregnant.. but all the stress and work issues will not help in this ..

 

I would rethink my position..list pluses and minuses.. write it down.. often you get a clearer picture when it is in black and white ( or whatever colours you choose to use!)

look at finances and decide if it is possible for you to leave without another job,

or start the job search now,

or stay and see how it pans out - do you think it will change at all, another meet with HR be any help? ...(I wonder with 2 staff off with stress)

 

 

You need to look at your own needs.... ( if memory serves me right you have had a few problems in your jobs)

 

This break may help you decide on what to to do...

[Inge]

I have often not worked and lived supported by my husband.. he would rather we had a happy life at home than one with stress and issues because i was not happy at work - but there was a long period where i could not find work - but it is a different generation and takes a bit of getting used to...

 

Voluntary is a good way to go to get you out and doing something... it can also be a way to find something else that may start that spark off an enthusiasm for work .. it need not be forever... just a break from the issues you have had... could be in childcare..we have local schools who love to have someone come in just for listening to readers... is there a school who would welcome a hand in reception... ( I drew the line at charity shops.. age of volunteers in them is too old even for me!) I found some asking in the library and for the local children's centre -

 

may be worth a consideration , in the mean time you can be looking for jobs within the sector...

[SueFinanceManager]

Dawn...first of all big hug coming your way.

 

It is easy to say 'if it is making you ill then walk away' but it is never as easy as that is it....so many factors to weigh up however, if the only thing keeping you there is money and hubby says you could manage without for a while then I would walk away and get a job stacking shelves or pub/cafe/restaurant work etc....something that was less stressful but made me feel like I was contributing financially until such times you hear the patter of tiny feet.

 

I left a job when I was pregnant because I was so stressed and the management at the time tried to suggest it was my hormones....it was hard to follow that thought process through when I pointed out several other members of the team had been signed off with stress and one was a fella!!!! Some managers and lots of people for that matter don't understand stress/mental health issues. It is fair to say that the phrase does probably get over used and it is quite easy for someone to say thy are stressed when really they aren't so I can appreciate where the ops manager is coming from....must be difficult from a managerial position.

 

However you have offered to go back, shown a willingness to move forward after a period of respite, work with the new staff member who you have indicated you think you will be able to work well with.....I don't really see what else you can do?

 

Take the rest of the time you are signed off to rest.....go back with say the idea that you will give it one month and at the end of that time if things are no better then you will hand in your notice. Maybe that way you won't feel as though you have just given up (none of us like to feel we have failed at something....even though you haven't) and during that time you can write a list of things that aren't right and if you do leave you can give the list to the ops manager and say this is why and am leaving and these are the issues that cause the work environment to be stressful!!

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

[Guest]

Thank you sue,

 

some great advice too, its lovely to get other perspectives. I am driving myself crazy with the whole what if's....... what if i don't go back, will i regret it, .... what if i go back, will i regret that too and just be more stressed...... i know noone can make the decision for me and that is the hard thing it really is.

 

I kind of feel that i have to stick at it as when we do fall pregnant it would be beneficial to be employed and have the maternity entitlements, but either way that could be a long way off, so i guess i can't hang on to the hope that i will fall pregnant soon and can get out of that hell hole.

 

Dawn

 

uote name='Sue' date='Sep 16 2011, 13:31' post='302432']

Dawn...first of all big hug coming your way.

 

It is easy to say 'if it is making you ill then walk away' but it is never as easy as that is it....so many factors to weigh up however, if the only thing keeping you there is money and hubby says you could manage without for a while then I would walk away and get a job stacking shelves or pub/cafe/restaurant work etc....something that was less stressful but made me feel like I was contributing financially until such times you hear the patter of tiny feet.

 

I left a job when I was pregnant because I was so stressed and the management at the time tried to suggest it was my hormones....it was hard to follow that thought process through when I pointed out several other members of the team had been signed off with stress and one was a fella!!!! Some managers and lots of people for that matter don't understand stress/mental health issues. It is fair to say that the phrase does probably get over used and it is quite easy for someone to say thy are stressed when really they aren't so I can appreciate where the ops manager is coming from....must be difficult from a managerial position.

 

However you have offered to go back, shown a willingness to move forward after a period of respite, work with the new staff member who you have indicated you think you will be able to work well with.....I don't really see what else you can do?

 

Take the rest of the time you are signed off to rest.....go back with say the idea that you will give it one month and at the end of that time if things are no better then you will hand in your notice. Maybe that way you won't feel as though you have just given up (none of us like to feel we have failed at something....even though you haven't) and during that time you can write a list of things that aren't right and if you do leave you can give the list to the ops manager and say this is why and am leaving and these are the issues that cause the work environment to be stressful!!

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

[SueFinanceManager]

Dawn maybe another way would be to ask to go back at a less senior level then you would have less responsibility and therefore hopefully less stress, you would be working with the children which you enjoy and you would then still be entitled to maternity benefits....just a thought

[Susan]

Dawn, when you have recovered from your stress you will know what the right thing to do re your job is. While you are pondering and stressing about it, you are not well enough to contemplate returning and I would say that you need longer at home to recover. It will be come clear to you with time, give yourself that time and dont feel guilty about stepping back to reassess and recoup. Get out and about and do something dfiiferent to aid in your recovery.

[Rea]

Dawn, my husband told me to leave playgroup after he could see over a period of time that I wasnt enjoying it so much. I wasnt stressed and worked with some lovely people who are still good friends today, but I knew I didnt want the problems anymore.

I wrote my resignation letter and kept it in my bag for 3 days because I couldnt decide if I was doing the right thing. What if we needed the money, what would I do all day, what if I miss it and want to go back, what if...

I gave the letter in on the 4th day and a weight immediately lifted from my shoulders.

Working in childcare is such a responsibility and it doesn't suit all of us all of the time, working for an agency showed me that for while, no paperwork, no worrying about daily, weekly, monthly issues.

I did a very short stint of volunteering at a local hospital last year and it was fab, there were loads of roles available so maybe give it a thought.

Hope you manage to work something out and good luck with the baby, we tried for 4 years so I know what an added stress that can be, if I got a period while I was at work (stuffy office in town) I used to walk out crying. Luckily I had a very old fashioned boss who didnt want to know anything about 'women's troubles' so I never really had to explain. Poor man must have wondered what on earth was gong on

[HappyMaz]

I'd say on balance you did the right thing by sending that email. Your boss may prefer telephone conversations, but you have eloquently spoken of your reasons for finding these difficult and they should be taken into account in order to fully include you and meet your own needs. After all, that is our business isn't it - to identify and meet children's needs?

 

He may be delaying sending you a reply because he isn't sure what to say: he has received an emotionally charged email and this might have made him feel uncomfortable. He'll have to deal with this in his own way and see if he can alleviate some of the stress you're feeling at work otherwise the long term prospects for your health are not good. And in turn, having you off sick for long periods isn't good for the nursery either, so he has a vested interest in ensuring he considers your health and wellbeing.

 

You've been given some great ideas about how to proceed from here, although personally I'd be wary of going to word in a more junior capacity, but only you know if you would cope well with that. If you are not looking to go back to work once you've had your baby then continuity of employment with your current employer isn't so important. If all else fails and you decide to walk away, perhaps you could do some temporary/agency work to keep your practice current whilst retaining flexibility during this period when you're trying for a baby and then during pregnancy.

 

Good luck with everything. Try not to think about it during the fortnight you have off sick. Take time to concentrate on your own wellbeing and see how you feel at the end of it. If you find yourself looking forward to going back and getting stuck in, then you're probably going to be OK. If you're dreading going back in and this feeling isn't alleviated once you actually get there, then I'd urge you to listen to your inner voice and walk away.

 

Take care

Maz

[Guest]

Thank you so much to each and everyone of you for your fantastic advice and supportive words.

 

i am going to ring my boss on monday and talk to him, after doing that i feel my mind will be made up one way or the other (he will either be funny with me and snap, (which he has done in the past to other staff), if he does that then i know going back won't be right or supportive. or the other way it could go is for him to ask me what i need to support my return to work, this would signify to me that he wants me back and that he will be supportive. It will not be a phone call i will be looking forward to making, but at least once it is made on monday i can relax for the rest of my time off, and as i say it may help me make a decision.

 

once again, thank you

 

Dawn

[Guest]

HI all,

 

for those of you who have read / followed this thread...... i am still stressing out immensly, i have decided that i am going to call my boss tommorow and tell him what i need to facilitate my return to work (which primarily is a manager at the nursery)... after all how can i assist a manager (i am assistant manger) if we don't have a manager. i don't anticipate the phone call to go well, but at least i will have done it and then can hopefully use my time off to relax.

 

who knows where i stand if i give my notice in whilst on sick leave?

 

Dawn

[Cait]

You'd be entitled to SSP up until you leave, plus all your accrued holiday entitlement, I believe. You could 'work out' your notice on sick