mundia Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 If you leave alphabet soup on the cooker for too long, it could spell disaster. Quote
mundia Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Quote
mundia Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I just like this one though: There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't. Quote
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out. Quote
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME? Quote
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Quote
HappyMaz Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 A closed mouth gathers no foot. Actually this should be my new Forum signature! Quote
Rea Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 An elevator operator kept calling every boy as 'Son'. Once a rude teenager tried to talk him back and said, "Do remember that I am NOT your son and YOU are NOT my father." The operator calmly said, "I brought you up, didn't I?" I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Atheism is a non-prophet organization Quote
Rea Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Quote
HappyMaz Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I've just started an art appreciation course. Did you know that the best post-impressionists are Poles? Quote
Rea Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real. Quote
HappyMaz Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 A little girl at nursery turned to me yesterday and said, with a very serious voice "where do fish keep their money?" When I said I didn't know she said 'a fish bank'! Quick edit to say she meant 'river bank'! Quote
Guest Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) You guys are so clever; well done!!! (that's not a joke by the way!!!!) Edited March 17, 2011 by Guest Quote
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 You guys are brilliant....thanks for pitching in with such fab lines.....here are a few more from me; I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' Quote
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat. Quote
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery. Quote
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I said to the Gym instructor, Can you teach me to do the splits? He asked, How flexible are you? I replied, I can't come on Tuesdays. Quote
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. Quote
JacquieL Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Brilliant. In Star Wars, why did the Evil Empire leave Catholic nuns alone? Force of habit. Quote
JacquieL Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Did you know that I used to be a ballet dancer but I found it too-too difficult! Quote
Gezabel Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I used to be big-headed but now I'm perfect Quote
mundia Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Quote
mundia Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Anyways, if a few of you add some more witty one liners over the next few days too I will donate £20 to Comic Relief on Friday. Sue, how many is a few? Haven't we suffered enough yet? Quote
mundia Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 A Buddhist refuses anaesthetic for root canal work. He wants to transcend dental medication. Quote
mundia Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 had to have this read to me 3 times before i got it: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Quote
beth1 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 had to have this read to me 3 times before i got it: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Brilliant, but got that first time! Quote
SueFinanceManager Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Sue, how many is a few? Haven't we suffered enough yet? Ok.....fair is fair....off to donate £20 now......you have all been brilliant But whilst I am here; When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Quote
Inge Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 have matched Sue's donation.... Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Quote
Inge Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. Quote
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