Death Of A Colleague

[Guest]

This week we lost a dearly loved, friend and member of our staff.

 

The head's initial comment was that school should be 'represented' at her funeral. Having spoken to most staff it is obvious that the majority would like to attend as she was not only a colleague but very dear friend to many of us.

 

I had a word with the head and told him that most of us would like to go, that the implication of this would be school closure for all or part of the day and that given the unusual situation -she was still in service- that this seemed the right and respectful thing to do.

 

He'd already spoken to the chair of governors who said absolutely not, the parents wouldn't go along with a closure and that we should choose those closest to her to go

 

I can only see this causing a right old sing song amongst the staff as some have know her for donkeys years, others only a few but most see her as a very dear friend. How do you choose?

 

I actually think the parents would understand and to be honest, who cares if we piss them off by closing for one day. What message to we give out about respect for a friends life if we don't?

 

What would you do? I'm not sure if I'm getting my emotions mixed up because of her death or wether I do have a point.

 

Fluff x

[Guest]

I agree with you the school should close for part or all of the day - though if this is not going to happen, could you not hold a remembrance service for her within school on that day so staff, and children could attend. In that way everyone at the school is involved. Sorry for your loss - Dot

[HappyMaz]

Oh, Fluff how sad for you all.

 

I think it is quite natural for you and your colleagues to want as many people as possible to go to your friend's funeral. The thought of choosing "a representation" is too awful for words - how do you rank people into some kind of hierarchy of those who knew/loved her best?

 

There must be some kind of precedent for this kind of thing happening. What sort of school are you in, Fluff? I guess it makes a difference how many of you there are, and how many children and families would be 'inconvenienced' by a closure for part of the day. However, the feeling I get is that this lady was integral to the school, and parents are likely to understand.

 

Is there any point in appealing to the Governing Body? It may have been a knee-jerk reaction and with hindsight it might be possible to have a re-think. If not, I like Dot's idea of having some kind of celebration of her life in school - but it won't be the same as actually going to her funeral and saying goodbye properly. What a dilemma.

 

Have you spoken to your friend's family? What would they like to happen? It might be a bit academic if they decide they want a small, family funeral - you just don't know what to expect at a time like this do you?

 

I hope you get it sorted to everyone's satisfaction - its a very difficult situation at a very sad time.

 

Take care of yourselves, won't you?

 

Maz

[Deb]

I can totally understand most of you wanting to go, and feel that parents would understand if you had to close.

 

Obviously not knowing the logistics (ie would the whole school have to close or just one class) it is difficult to answer. Perhaps the chair of the governors did not take time to consider the depth of feeling and would perhaps reconsider if this was communicated?

 

Hope this gets sorted to your satisfaction.

 

Sorry to hear your sad news.

[Guest Wolfie]

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I totally agree with you and the others that everyone who feels they would like to go should be allowed to - the idea of selecting a representation doesn't sound appropriate at all. Hopefully the head and the governing body will recognise the dpeth of everyone's feeling and reconsider their decision - of course you are all feeling very emotional at the moment but I also think you do have a very valid point.

[hali]

Ohhow sad - im so sorry to hear that. I too agree with what the others have said - i too think an appeal to governers is called for good luck

[Guest]

this happened recently at a local secondary school . they opened in the morning and staff and any children /staff who wished to attend the funeral could as the school provided transport. They shut for the rest of the day as a mark of respect they had no problem with parents as some of the parents attended too. as a school governor I personally would have said shut can you ask them again given the strength of feeling?

sue

[narnia]

I am so sorry to hear of you'r friend's death,it must be a real shock for all of you.I have also been a school governor and would definately agree with closing the school as a mark of respect.Good luck

[Lucy P]

Hi Fluff, so sorry to hear your news

 

I feel that they are probably underestimating how the parents may feel about this.

 

A few years back when my nursery was part of a chain, one of the other nursery managers died very suddenly and unexpectedly just before leaving for work one morning.

 

As it became apparent what had happened during that morning, all the other managers went to the nursery and began phoning the parents to request they collect their children, the nursery also remained closed the next day too, to enable the staff to have a group counselling session (very young team and very shocked).

 

There was absolutely no question that the nursery would open on the day of the funeral, all the parents wanted to attend anyway, so they had no problem with this.

 

I know this is probably different due to being a nursery but thought my experience may help.

[Guest]

terribly sorry for your school community.

 

I'm sure this situation will unfortunately have arisen before.Has the school contacted the LEA for advice,counselling and support? It may also be worth contacting your union to ask the same and where you stand with your request to pay your respects.Is the funeral timed so it would only effect half a day? We had a recently retired long serving member of staff die.She was a cleaner/support assistant/remarkable fundraiser.Not all staff felt they wanted to attend the funeral and we were able to hold a service in school followed by an extended playtime and we had cover for this.Other staff were then freed for the service.We did not go to the internment as we felt this was a family moment.

[Guest]

So sorry to hear your news.....I think you should go back to the governors and head and ask again. In situations like these I'm sure parents would understand the closure of the school. Try to give them plenty of notice so they can arrange for childcare etc if needed...in my experience that is the kind of thing that could get the parents moaning!

 

Hope everything works out for you....take care

mrsb

[Marion]

So sorry to hear your sad news. If the chair of governors refuses to budge could the head hold a brief "assembly" at the same time for everyone to stop and remember.

[Rea]

Sorry for all of you Fluff.

I agree that the Governors should have a rethink. Its not always about just paying your respects, its also about letting the family know their loved one was well liked and will be missed.

 

When my sons friend lost his mom a few years ago there were loads of the lads friends at the funeral, but also the school head, his head of year, form tutor and some other teachers.

Its a gesture that cant be forgotten or made afterwards.

 

Hopefully the Governors will have a chnage of heart.

[Guest]

Sorry to hear your sad news.

 

My daughter's primary school closed for the afternoon when a much loved member of staff died so that all staff, governors and friends could attend and not a single parent had a problem with it. In fact many stepped forward to offer help to other parents who couldn't arrange care for their children and those of the Home & School Association committee, who also wanted to attend the funeral.

 

A letter was sent home asking for shildren to be collected by 1.30pm.

 

In school on the day there was a special assembly to remember her with the children so they were all aware of what was happening later in the day - a very important chance for them to share their grief with the school staff.

 

When my own Father-in Law died my daughter was age 6 and it was her first experience of losing a loved one. The school were immensely supportive but did point out that how we explained things and included her would shape her view of death forever (gulp!) - they were right and I wish your Head felt the same way.

 

I do hope your Head and Governors reconsider.

 

Nona

[emmajess]

I can only say that I'm so sorry to hear your sad news and add my agreement to the comments aleady expressed. When a member of staff died after a long illness at my school, all staff members were given the option to attend the funeral and everyone took this opportunity to say their goodbyes and the school was closed for the afternoon. A number of people have said that this happened at thei school, so there is some kind of precedent. I think returning to your head and governors having first contacted your union would be a good idea.

I hope you are all able to pay your respects in the way you wish and that the governors see, as you do, that closing the school would be a fitting mark of respect. Good luck and take care of each other.

 

Emma

[Deb]

Many good points made. Perhaps they could be collated and put in a letter to the Governors to enable them to reflect with the benefit of a bit more time.

[jennyjenkinz]

absolutely. I am appalled at their reaction. I'm sorry to hear your loss and hope this awful situation gets resolved to your satsfaction x

[Guest]

Fluff, my heartfelt condolences, my reaction is the same as the majority, the governers should close the school ( or get cover) and enable all who wish to, to attend the funeral.

I think it is a human right that each individual who knew this teacher should be enabled to experience and share their grief and show their respect, in whichever way they individually 'need' to.

At times like this I believe that people need to do what they 'feel' is right for them, and really should not be made to feel 'obliged' or 'forced' to compromise their feelings.

Obviously respecting the families wishes, other than that, all the people who are feeling grief need to be 'allowed' and 'supported' to express it, if not it will only fuel the inevitable 'anger' that is part of the grieving process, and if people don't attend because they were not enabled to then they will forever feel, if only.................and be left with a permanent void.

 

Please feel free, if you wish to to print off my comments and show to your chair of governors. They are just my thoughts, but I am distanced from the 'emotions' and hopefully he/she will perceive the importance, for all who grieve, of why funerals are held.

 

Peggy

[Guest]

Sorry to hear that you are having to deal with additional stress at an already dificult time. I don't think anyone can dictate /choose who should go. if indinviduals feel they need to go they should have that right. Noone chooses to go to a funeral of a dear friend or relative without feeling it is appropriate to do so.

When this happened at our school we were asked who felt they would be choosing to attend the funeral and then those of us who either did not know the colleague well or did not want to attend covered the classes at school by an extended assembly, doubling up of classes and cover by supply. At no point did any of us feel we were not able to attend if we felt it necessary. A letter went out to the parents explaining the sad news and many asked would we be closing. I don't think any would have comnplained if we had.

I hope you are able to find a solution that does not cause more stress.

Han

[narnia]

Can I also just add that when my father died, we closed our setting for two days (one to prepare the food for his wake,sort out any last minute arrangements etc and the second, for the actual funeral itself) and had only sympathy and offers of help from our parents, not one moan or grumble.And of course, should you wish to show my comments to the Governors, feel free.

[Guest]

Thank you all so much for your very kind words and support. I feel quite overwhelmed.

 

The thing that really infuriated me was that a few years ago I wrote the schools bereavement proceedure which was adopted by the Govs. In that it states that;

 

On the day of the funeral it is recommended that the school be closed either for the half-day or a full day for two reasons i) as a mark of respect, and ii) to give all those who wish to (both pupils, families and staff), the opportunity to attend the funeral.

 

I hadn't thought of writing to the Chair of Govs, but hey, I'm leaving at the end of the summer term so why not?!

 

However fortunately, our colleague's husband, despite all that is going on in his life at the moment, realised that many of the staff would want to attend and has organised the funeral for 4.30pm, thus saving what I think would be a huge amount of bad feeling within school.

 

Thanks again for your words.

 

Fluff x

[Guest]

Fluff, your response bought me to tears, the fact that your colleagues husband has thought about the logistics of how to have you and other colleagues at the funeral has to me shown that your colleagues soul certainly does live on in his heart.

I'm not that religious but God Bless.

 

Peggy