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We have a boy who should have started school in January. Parents are adament that he his not ready for school because he will cry when he leaves them (like any average child going to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

Therefore he has stayed at pre-school for this term and will now start school full time in September and go into year 1, thereby missing out on that vital bonding year with his peers. Part way through this term she decided that she would attempt to introduce school to him and he has therefore been for about 3 morning sessions.

 

Now she has spoken to the school and they have agreed that from the start of next term he will attend school for three mornings per week and she has also decided that he will remain with us for ONE session per week and will gradually wean him from us. However I need to know how long he is staying so that I can sort out his funding and/or offer his place to someone else.

 

This is a child that needs so much stability and a recognised routine in his live that we feel this is the wrong move for him. We feel that the best thing would be for him to attend school only and just have to cope with that in his life.

 

He cries if someone visits that he doesn't know, he cries if someone leaves early, he gets upset if we change the routine of the morning -you name it if its not the norm it floors him.

 

Should be continue to carry out observations on him and complete his profile or will the school now take over that role.

 

Any ideas/suggestions from anyone on how to make this work would be much appreciated.

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Hi Brenda,

Not a very satisfactory situation for anyone!!

 

For a start, you won't be entitled to any funding as I understand it. Admittedly, I haven't dealt with funding for a while, but I always understood that if school was in the equation at all, they were able to claim the whole of the funding for that child.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong!

 

And yes, I agree, he really needs to go to just one setting - and school would appear to be the best option, as he will have to go anyway!

 

Hope you manage to sort it, let us know how you get on.

 

Sue

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Gosh - what a situation!

 

I agree with you, Brenda - if he is going to school he should be with them full time. An important part of the transition to 'big school' is that children understand that they have left one place because they are going to another. I would have thought it would be better for him to go to school on the three days if that is what the parents want, and to stay at home for the other two.

 

He won't understand why he can still come to you on one day but must go to school on the other days - so he'll be confused and resentful that they're making him go to school when he would much rather be with you.

 

You say you have to organise funding - has he reached statutory school age yet? If so I would have thought this could be a problem - will the local authority be willing to fund him in both places? Are you able to offer another child sessions for the remaining part of the week or is this child blocking another child's entry into your group?

 

Have other services been involved with this family? All children have 'wobbles' from time to time even if they have settled well at pre-school and appear to have managed the separation from mum. However, this does sound extreme to me - it sounds as if he has a big problem with changes to routine which most children have sorted out by now. Do you think the parents' anxieties are affecting him, or the other way round?

 

If you have to go along with this arrangement, I would assume that since he will be in school for the larger part of the week the school would be responsible for completing his profile - but that may depend on what is usual practice in your local authority. I would also agree an action plan with mum so that you have a definite date when he will have his last session with you - that way you can all support each other to help this little boy to say farewell to your group for good, and work towards that date with him to prepare him thoroughly.

 

Good luck - let us know how things go, won't you?

 

Maz

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apparantly it is the boy who is adamant that he wants to come back to pre-school - hello who is the adult in this house!!!!

 

This boy is very clever, but has no social skills. At the end of recently reading sleeping beauty to him to declared that they would get married and then when they had children one of them would become king, but if there was no son then the next eldest daughter would become queen - what four year old knows that!

 

However, when pushed aside by another child whilst playing he declared that he had been bullied and what were we going to do and say to the other child! We told him that the other child hadn't learnt about sharing at 3.5yrs old yet. He couldn't understand, because "i knew when I was that age".

 

Unfortunetly I feel that when he fully attends school he will have a big neon sign on his head that says 'bully me' due to the fact that he is so much above the other children.

 

His mother is going to have a very big void in her life when he fully attends school and she is even talking about taking him home for lunch every day.

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As with others .. In our area when child starts school; they get the full entitlement no matter how many days he attends....

 

Is there someone from the LEA or your Early years support worker who could help, or area SENCo perhaps, to discuss transitions with them, We have a link programme in our area for these situations.

 

Must admit we would probably say we had no place for him as we needed it for the new intake , particularly if we felt it was best for the child to not attend 2 settings as the same time.

 

Inge

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might be way off beam here, so apologise if I am, but WHO is it that is not ready for school?

Is it the child or the parent? I have come across parents who are, for as many different reasons are there are parents!, not ready to let their own child grow up and they see school as too final and a watershed that they would rather avoid.

Have you tried exploring the topic of mum's own school experience and see if there may be anything in her past that she is afraid of or bothered about school? Perhaps she equate school with a void of time where she is not needed by her child during the day? Just wild guesses obviously!Quite often, unresolved parental issues relive themselves in their children, as I am sure we are all well aware.

Again, apologies if above if totally way off beam- good luck and hope you can sort it for sake of the child.

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i have a bit of a personal view on this though with a slightly different story. I am the proud mum of 3 children my eldest is a well rounded 31yr old but I felt just like the mum you speak about when he started school. mine was a different reason my son was very hyper active and i dare say he would have been on medication these days. I thought he was not ready for school but then you got no choice in the matter. his first 6 months was the most traumatic time for him our family and the school it did not ease till yr 2 and only then with extra help. I was laughed at and told not to molicoddle him by the head teacher every parting was frought any new changes where difficult and I spent a great deal of time in the school taking his baby sister with me. he had attended school for a year when his teacher said he had sat down and listened to the story I cried like a baby. I felt that if he had been eased in at a slower rate he would have settled better in the long run i also got an apology from the head teacher because she new I was not just an over anxious mum.

i am not saying that this parent isnt needy i was a needy parent because no one listened I am not suggesting you are not listening and have not tried all the available avenues.

the same school now when the need arises will share a rec child between nursery and rec till they are ready for full time and will work with the parents to help the children adjust. under the new EYFS transitions and working with parents in partnership is a big issue and in our authority the training for transitions promotes the individual childs needs first which include the parents views. i am sure you have done all of this and I am way out of line and i take on board what everyone else says about routines and confusing the child.

I also think the funding would go to the school even with shared care if the child attended our school. but if funding was not an issue would it be easier to manage?

there is no easy answer and I do not envy you with the dilema you face.

sue

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I had a child that was the same and the mother debated sending her to school. The mother used to come in so full of fear for her child you could actually feel it.

She could not let the child go until I sat and explained that the role of a parent was to give your child the skills to cope with life, and as she was having trouble coping with life then her child was learning the same skills.

She then started to teach the child and intereact with her in a totally different way. She actually saw that the problem was hers and not the child. She has a second one now and will soon start back with us, but the oldest has gone on to school fine after the first few weeks. It sounds as though the mother needs more reassuring than the child. he sounds like an intelligent little boy who works things to his way.

On the funding does mum know she will have to pay for your sessions as you won't get any funding, because funding is not divided between mainstream schools and settings.

good luck with the situation

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I understand parents worry about sending their child to school. It can feel like you are loosing them but steph is right about parents teaching their children life skills.

 

My daughter (now 13) cried everyday for first 2 years and it was really hard to leave her like it. I knew she was fine and settled when I had left . I think she did it because every morning I would get uptight about it. Then she just did it out of habit. But I never once even considered not sending her!!

 

She used to get upset at a change of teacher all the way through school too. But life is about having to deal with things that aren't always comfortable.

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I too think that if he is going to be starting school that he shouldn't also be coming to your group during the week any more as this is sending mixed messages and will only serve to lengthen the settling in time at school. The child may have decided this is what he wants but at the end of the day, he is only a child and however intelligent he may be he still isn't equipped with the experience to know what is best for himself!

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Guest MaryEMac

We have just said good-bye to a little girl who should have gone to school last september but her mum thought that she (child) was not emotionally ready to start then. It took ages before the mum could be persuaded to leave her child with us.In fact one of our other little girls went up to her and said, "why are you still here? All the other mummies have gone home." This lady carried her daughter everywhere, from the car to the building, from inside to outside and vice versa, and we realised that it was definitely mum who had the problem. So before Christmas I spoke to mum and asked if she had thought anymore about school as if she left it until sept then her daughter would go straight into yr1 and miss out on the very important reception time. I also pointed out that our registration wasn't valid for a child over 5 yrs. The upshot was that mum spoke to the headteacher and the child will start in the reception class in April but will go either mornings or afternoons for a start.

The child is bright and has made two good friends in the group with whom she chats away endlessly but if an adult hoves into view she clams up. In my opinion this little girl would have been better off going to school in sept '07, she settled well without mum, her confidence grew and she even volunteered to do something when we went on the Life education bus. I hope she settles ok at school, it may take all term but I think she will do it. I think that it will be a lot harder for her mum though cos just talking about school brought tears to her eyes.

Thinking about your child Brenda, I feel that it must be one or the other for the child to move forward. Good luck.

 

Mary

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  • 3 weeks later...
Hi Brenda,

Not a very satisfactory situation for anyone!!

 

For a start, you won't be entitled to any funding as I understand it. Admittedly, I haven't dealt with funding for a while, but I always understood that if school was in the equation at all, they were able to claim the whole of the funding for that child.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong!

 

And yes, I agree, he really needs to go to just one setting - and school would appear to be the best option, as he will have to go anyway!

 

Hope you manage to sort it, let us know how you get on.

 

Sue

 

Well, I have spoken to NEG people and yes - school will receive all of his funding. Phoned mum up the other day and told her this and that I had prepared a bill for the 13 week term.

 

They have now decided that they can do with the money and he will only attend school now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's amazing how money can help you make up your mind on things isn't it!

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