No Matter How Hard We Try...

[catma]

National news today, two ex pupils of mine convicted for murder/manslaughter of a woman - I remember when they joined the school as juniors, the hours as a school spent supporting them, particularly the youngest and trying to keep them out of trouble with everyone around them. The youngest had a conviction at 10 for mugging at knifepoint so had a lot of Young offenders team support as well - all for nothing as they'll now be in the prison system for a long time. But then I also know they lived in extreme poverty, in a rundown council flat which I saw once, through the front door, a shambles of a flat all broken doors and windows (all now being demolishd and "re-generated") - living in the hinterland of cash employment and extreme deprivation. The same clothes on them for days on end,shoes that didn't fit properly, getting themselves up to school in the morning and looking after themselves in the evening. From the papers I read that their mother had stayed on here after her application to stay was refused so they were living on the edges of society too. I vaguelly recall a male figure, who was not their dad but who they didn't like and this caused a lot of anger and conflict in them.

So I find it hard to reconcile the national image of these two murdering youths with the picture in my head of the small, angry 8yr old boy I used to have in my office for ages, talking with him about making the right choices, how the big man can walk away from a fight, how learning is the key to making something of yourself, praising him when he did something right and it makes me very sad that this is how it ends.

[Andreamay]

oh catma what can i say I am fortunate to live in the 'countryside'and work in a small market town that altho does have its crime the 99% of the children are well cared for in conparison!

Try and think of all those that have been helped,im so sorry I lead a very sheltered life I realise but i can understand the emotions you are feeling and just want to send you a big hug

[Guest]

You have done your best and given time and effort and compassion to the children concerned. At least you have spent your time talking to the children and guiding them down the right pathway. You are reflecting back and you can certainly tell your self you have spent YOUR time and not wasted time but have shown care, concern and guidance. How would you feel if you had read this and then thought i could of tried more.... I could of done more.....If only i had given the time to them. This example of things gone wrong should inspire us all to take time, act, listen and keep on trying. It must be heart breaking to remember the little lad and now these recent events, no one wants this for their children or the children they look after and care for. You have had an insight of how life can be for some, use this knowledge and understanding to guide the children you now support.

If every one was as compasionate as this the world would be a better place.

[Beau]

Catma,

 

This really choked me up. Sometimes one person, or even a group of people, can't make a difference despite their best efforts. The boys obviously lacked what they needed the most - a stable loving home life. Your post has reminded me not to be too judgemental though - it's very easy to sit in our lovely homes with our family around us condemning people like this. Sounds like they never really stood a chance.

 

Don't let this disillusion you though. You'll never help everyone but what you do and say will have an effect on some which might change their future.

[Guest]

"So I find it hard to reconcile the national image of these two murdering youths with the picture in my head of the small, angry 8yr old boy I used to have in my office for ages, talking with him about making the right choices, how the big man can walk away from a fight, how learning is the key to making something of yourself, praising him when he did something right and it makes me very sad that this is how it ends"

 

I understand in a way what you are saying here. In my short experience as a Foster carer, the 'history' and 'labels' that follow the children is always negative, it is like society puts the responsibility on the child to grow up to be a functional adult when all the time the adults who should be caring for them continually multiply the fuel to their anger.

 

Be assured that the little hope you raised in their hearts will be remembered by them, they will reflect and recognise that you truly cared, giving them, all be it minute, a sense of worth as individuals. I recently read the "Boy called It" trilogy, and David ( the boy) speaks of the teachers he came across in his life who empathised and tried to help in the minute ways that you did for these two boys. David, in his books, thanks these teachers for what their acts of understanding meant to him. We recently talked to the young lad we have now about the different roads he can choose to travel, the 'wrong' road will be so easy for him to take, following others who have no self worth, we are trying to do our bit to help him to have the strength of self conviction to take the harder route, the route of a leader of his own destiny, the route where he has to deny the 'on the surface' friendship of his peers who follow the wrong route. He is just 14 yrs old and has so much going against him, mainly from the system of social workers and foster carers and schools who all do a bit then give up too soon, passing the responsibility onto him and not recognising that although 14 yrs old his emotional development is not mature enough to make the right choices for him. He is excluded from school, excluded from his current foster carer and his siblings, excluded from his 'familiar' town, why, because he 'played up' he wanted time with his new girlfriend instead of going to school, he tried cannibis, he came home 20 minutes late and kicked the door because his foster carer had locked him out. So, the system moves him temporarily away from the area he misbehaves in rather than work with him, actually listen to him, and support him in dealing with his anger. They have just postponed it by sending him to us. His needs are not being met, it is basically just a break for the the people who should be putting him first.

 

Sorry, got a bit carried away. The main thing I have learnt is that these young people need to be listened to, and I mean really need to be listened to, not adults who say " I hear what you are saying" but are actually not listening at all.

 

All we can all do is continue to love these children unconditionally, to offer sanctuary and be a voice for them when they are not heard.

 

Catma, you have done the above, it is others ( individuals and societies) who have failed these boys.

 

Peggy

[Guest]

Catma, what a heartfelt, selfless post, I want to reiterate what others have said - you done your bit, the boys will have some good memories and you will be part of these. You have to take good from every situation and you must know and believe what you did and what you continue to do for children makes a difference, that is all we can do, keep loving, keep caring and offering support and direction whenever we can - this case is unfortunate, what a shame for them, but who knows what they will find out about themselves whilst in prison, let's hope it's a turning point.

 

I have read the Dave Pelzer books too Peggy, ther are many stories like his around and we have to embrace the courage to come out the other side of such a horrible situation.

 

Puts things into perspective when I moan about trivial things, like my mum not phoning me for ages!!

The awful childhood some people have had doesn't bear thinking about.

 

Let's all keep doing what we do and hope to make a difference to children's lives however small, it may be significant and remembered.

[narnia]

I'm sorry too and I want to say that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we have to accept that those we care so much about just have to accept responsibility for their own lives.They CAN choose a different road..............and I speak from experience.My mum was the youngest of 18.....yes, 18 children, their dad was away at war (so, yes, a long time ago, but still relevant, i think), when he came back he had TB and couldn't work.When he died my gran was left to bury him as best she could, because her church wouldn't help.She worked as a street cleaner and an evening barmaid to get enough money to just scrape by.Mum had never owned a new piece of clothing until she left home and I have seen photographs of the tenements they lived in in Liverpool, where they were also bombed out.A place of enormous poverty.One of her sisters was bed-ridden and they had an enormously tough life.BUT...................my mum would have given you anything and everything she had........and she often DID do that for others........and our upbringing wasn't easy either.No money, not much in the way of new things.I don't recall ever being told by either of my parents that they were proud of me, or loved me (but I think they did, they just had never been told by their own parents and just didn't know how to tell my sister or I).......and we are, by and large, upright, honest citizens.Where does it go wrong??I don't really know, but some of it HAS to come from inside yourself and you have to accept that some people simply CHOOSE the wrong road, whatever their start and whatever their advantages and/or disadvantages.

As for David Pelzer, much of his work has now been discredited as fiction.Certainly, when I read them, they just had a strange ring to them.................simply too much detail from an incredibly early age??Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble for so long.All i really want to say is try not to fret too much.You did your best while you could for these lads.It seems to me that they've had a lot of support and yet have chosen the wrong way to go.it's sad, truly sad, but they will get more help now to try to mend their lives.I hope the family of their victim get the same support??

Edited December 22, 2006 by narnia

[Guest]

Sorry wanted to change what I had said, felt bad about it and found I couldn't so sorry I didn't no how to get rid of post!

Edited December 22, 2006 by Guest

[Guest]

Catma I echo the feelings of others. I had a conversation the other day with a father who is a police officer, and works with some of the ASBO kids. He was saying that some of the with all the support from dozens of people stay on the straight and narrow as long as the support is there. once the support disappears they just cannot keep straight even though they have probably being doing things right for years. he said some people just have it in them to go in the wrong direction. He said you cannot win them all. I tried to disagree, but lreading to your post, I think he was probably right, you know you did your utmost, and I'm sure the other people who worked and supported them all feel the same. some you win and some you loose, and what if's don't help. sorry you have felt that you let them down, I'm sure you didn't. Nature has a way of keeping a balance and even though we don't like to think we are apart of it, sometimes there is nothing you can do.

enjoy your Christmas so that you will be ready for the fight for the next ones after christmas that I'm sure you will win

[Guest]

Not sure how relevant to this topic but just 2 days ago I was told this short poem.

 

Yesterday is History

Tomorrow is a Mystery

Today is a gift, that is why it is called 'the present'.

 

 

I interpret this as;

We cannot change our yesterdays

We can formulate our futures

We can all be thankful for our gift of today.

 

Peggy

[Susan]

Catma, how awful for you. How sad.

 

I often wonder what has happened to some of the children I have worked with, sometimes the outcomes are not so good but you must know that these boys were up against more than you could help with.

[Marion]

So very sad I know it doesn't help but sometimes we have to accept that no matter how much we want things to be different somethings are out of our control and we can only do our very best for the time we are there for these children

[hali]

gosh that is sad, But at the end of the day we can only do our best - the rest unfortunatly is out of our hands......

[Guest]

Dear Catma

 

We look around at some of our kids- I work in inner city nottingham - and I know, in fact it has already happened, that some of my kids are in the paper for all the wrong reasons and it devastates me at the waste. But all we can do is show them the possibilities, the choices they can make, we cannot make those choices for them.

 

So think about all the kids who have moved on and those who remember the nice times they had with you - incluidng the boys you talk about.

 

God Bless and try to enjoy a bit of peace and joy at Christmas

 

Jo x

[JacquieL]

We do our best and we give all that we can to care, but we cannot change the world. If just one tiny thing that we have done is remembered then we have given something. This is what the world is like and it is hard to deal with.

I will share my Christmas with my family and it will be wonderful and I am privileged in this world, food presents and warmth- what about Iraq, Bosnia, Israel and the Gaza Strip? What about all those starving in Africa and the results of gobal warming? It goes on and on.

Today we had a funeral of a fourteen month old boy. He died in his Grannies arms. He needed 24 hour care and had a muscle wasting disorder which was diagnosed at birth, and his very young and caring parents were devastated. They found it very hard to cope but did their very best. This is what life is and all we can do is be there and give support- there are no happy endings for many people. We just have to be there. These young parents loved their little boy, gave up their jobs to care, and when the funeral came it was beautiful, lovely music, and theglass hearse had black horses, lots of flowers and a little white coffin inside. They just need to do something to show how much they loved their little boy. We are all like that, but some things are bigger that we can deal with.

You gave you very best catma and that is the most we can expect of anyone. Life is very hard for some people and we can only touch it momentarily.

[Rea]

Catma, I havent got the words of the other wonderful people on here, but I wanted to say how sad that made me feel. It made me think back over the years to one or two small boys who really needed a cuddle and someone to say 'You're special'. We all try to say these things all the time and hopefully our words will make a difference but in the early days these children are often still with their parents and families and their influence is much greater than ours can ever be. We can offer choices and opportunities but they will still follow the path of their peers. How often do we hear people say 'thats cissy', 'be a man', 'get him back'? All the time still in my experience. And we cant just put failures at the door of SS workers or teachers or youth workers or the police. It's all of us. We dont tell kids off any more. I got told off by anyone when I was little and I was absolutly sure of their right to do so if I'd done something wrong. Now we're scared of abuse, vandalism or attack to ourselves if we challenge unsocial behaviour, but we've put that power into their hands by not challenging them in the first place. I imagine there are other men and women out there who thank you every day for giving them opportunities and choices but they dont make the headlines and so are forgotten that they were strong enough and brave enough to go against the path that was laid for them.

Try to have a great Christmas

[catma]

Thanks for the comments all of you - don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing I'ld changed the world and I'm not excusing their behaviour and boy were they frustrating little sh*$s most of the time, but there were just those moments when they sometimes turned back into little boys and you could see the frustration and anger they had with the world around them. They had no family network here, having come from Africa, and were incredibly divorced from society.

 

It's just one of life's great tragedies I guess.

 

Cxx

[Chill]

Your post stayed with me all over xmas and I shared it with family and friends. One part of me felt so thankful for what we all have and the other part of me felt so frantic about how society can pull around from the situation it is now in. So so many demoralised, angry failing young people who all need so much love and time.