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Parent not able to support us with toilet training.


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We have a 4 year old from a traveller community. Parents did ask me to help with her toilet training because they were worried because they tell me that the childs school will exclude her if she is not using toilet. I find this hard to believe.!!!

The child comes in wearing a nappy, she ocassionally brings a change of nappy. The child is happy to use the toilet when with us with reminders. I have repeatedly asked parents to provide underwear for child which they refuse to do.At the moment we are using spare pull-ups that have been donated.The child actually asks to wear a pull up .Parent got so annoyed with me today and told not to keep telling her that child used toilet because it annoys her because she uses toilet for us. Mum did apologise afterwards and said she is feeling down but while I don't want to upset her and feel that I have to put childs needs first. I have been asking the parents to get advise fron health visitor or doctor but they refuse.I do have moments when I think why do I bother but I can't ignore the child. .

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have you got a good enough relationship with the HV to take this up with them? Our local HV who works with the TC is now really wlcomed by them and is accepted...this gives her the opporuntiy to have a chat with them and they will accept her advice. The other option is to contact your TC officer for the LEA (or the person responsible for this job) and ask them to have a word.. Perhaps also their needs to be more investigation in to why Mum is so reluctant...why is she 'down' ? This would worry me...could it be PND or is there something more serious going on?

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Mum is down because they travel to us from an area about 10 miles away. The reason for this is that their elder child attends mainstream in our area.They have just heard that they have not got their chosen school for this child.I get on really well with our local H.V because they moved out of the area 9 months ago I cannot do anything.I even tried asking my local H.V to contact the relevant clinic but without parental permission she cannot do anything.Both parents are very sensitive it doesn't help that they are both appear to have learning difficulties themselves so I have to tread very carefully.

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what about the travelling community services in your area then? they will know the families better and may be able to act as a go between?

Im a bit confused...in your post you say she wanted you to help toilet train and then moaned when you did....??!! If you can find out which HV they have you can give them a ring yourself... they may be able to help discreetly! ...if she's worried about her child being excluded (and yes i have heard some schools say this....though they are on a dodgy wicket if they do!) then is this not the incentive she needs to get going with it. If they are travelling a distance is she worried about the car getting wet?

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They are worried about their carpet getting wet. The last comment was "we will keep her in the garden soon" which I can understand sort of. Not for too long I hope though. Yes I am confused as well begging me to help but the issue is that she will use the toilet for us but not form them.The more she uses toilet for us the crosser they are getting!!with the child and pre-school.

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being devils advocate here - is there a relevance that they are part of the travelling community ?? we have a family from TC , mum and family really supportive and the boys have to be reminded not to wee in our garden but that's not a cultural thing many boys do it as at home it is often encouraged and we all know how easy it is to take boys to toilet when out and about - there's a bush - do it there :rolleyes: do get in touch with your local traveller liason officer and explain your concerns , ours is very helpful and who is your Enco in the setting , maybe this may be a job for them - try and get mum in for chat - cup of tea and reassure her that you are there to support both child and family - good luck- many parents can be like this whether Tc or not - i have had one take spare clothes home and then have the cheek not to return them, her child was wearing them on arrival and mum said don't mind if she gets dirty there only old clothes without any hint that they were actually preschools !!!

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Well I am not sure whether T.C has any relevance at all.They keep telling me how disgusting it is to change a child that has soiled underwear. I have told them that obviously we would rather not be doing this it really doesn't bother us at all to clean child up and any soiled, wet area.Until they asked us to support toilet training we have been changing this child for about a year now anyway. They have signed changing log book each time.

Not sure about inviting them in for cup of tea, language not good and I think she would have thrown the cupa at me on friday but you have a good point I will offer my support.I don't know if we have T.C liason officer as I have not have a T.C in the setting before.I don't think that they will discuss without parental permission first.I think after having conversation with parents I will decide what to do.At the moment I feel I will support child in pre-school but just keep it low key with parents.When I asked them on friday if they still wanted me to support child they said do what you want but don't tell us.

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ring your local authority and they will give you the number for liason officer - speak to them and ask their advice - you dont have too mention names therefore breaking no confidentaility . maybe they could arrange to visit setting and help with mum ,

 

when you mention language not good do you means limited or swearing ?? this is norm for travelling communities and maybe you need to emphasise that unless we help each other would you rather we just continue with nappies /pull ups ? if so then you must provide them - explain child will not be able to stay unless they do so - that is not unreasonable but again my feeling is this mum needs support as well as child

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personally I would simply crack on with helping the child at my setting. I have lots of spare pants, so I would pop him in some and sort them out myself if they needed washing etc. I definately wouldn't say he couldn't come if parents didn't provide nappies/pull-ups. If he needs them, I'd provide them. One packet would last ages. I would consider it part of my care for the child to help in this situation.

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Yes I just would not be able to exclude her. I always think to myself that its not the childs fault.Thanks for confirming that I am right Narnia.I know my staff will follow my instructions but I know they will wonder why I bother because the parent was so rude to us on friday.

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Why?? Becuse you care about the child, that's why. If I took offence at every rude parent we have had over the years, I would have closed a long time ago. I view rude parents the same way as i do nappies....some days they are full of **** and others ain't so bad :) You're doing your best for the child, that's what matters. Good luck.

 

Ps, sorry I referred to the child as 'him'..........misread your original post

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We have a similar thing going on with a four year old in the setting. We have managed to get her using the toilet for both toileting and she wears pants. But day after day she comes back in in nappies so we take it off and our pants on and she is quite happy to do so. Obviously takes us a few moments and we use stickers for rewards. Don't understand why parents aren't following. We spoke to mum who was happy for us to try a few months ago but it was not successful but now we haven't had an accident at all! Mum says she obviously feels more comfortable to do it in the setting than home!

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