Settling In Child

[Guest]

I really feel for you as it is a very stressful situation for everyone involved.

Have you considered taking a step back and undertaking a home visit or two? This would really help to build your relationship with the child and parents and put them at ease as you are able to dedicate time to them without worrying about the time you aren't spending with the other children.

 

We settle children in flexibly to suit their needs as some children do find it very distressing to be separated from their parents / carers for the first time. But I also think its important to consider where their distress is from as the way it is described is because - as you pont out - she is in control of the adults around her by using her behaviour to manipulate them. This is not a criticism of family just a situation many people do fall into.

 

You / her key person do need to find a way to begin to build a relationship in conjunction with her family - maybe do a home visit anbd then plan for her to come for 45min / an hour with carer and plan activities where KP will get to spend time with her for a week and ones that are her favourites - other children would also be included. This is inclusive practise as inclusion means doing things differently for different children as they need it. Then for the second week you need to start with separating for 10 minutes and build up - she will scream and cry but she needs to know that firstly when someone leaves they will come back and secondly that this is what happens - with relationship and trust built she would hopefully look for her KP for support who would also feel they know her a little better as well.

 

I'd also plan all this in conjunction with the family and be firm as you are in charge and responsible for the playgroup. I'd also speak ot mum about her fears - as has been mentioned before if she is not feeling comfortable in the setting then the child will not do either - she seeks reassurance from her carers and if they don't show it she won't either. This all needs to be shared with the parents.

 

I hope this doesn't sound too preachy! Settling children can be such a challenge as every child is different and come with different experiences of life and separation already.

We also provide 2 stay and play sessions ( during a normal session) before they start, a photo book for them to look at home of the setting, a home visit - then on their first day their parents are welcome to stay and we look at how they separate from their parents. If they won't move away from them we spend further time getting to know them with their parent their - inbetween trying to manage other children as well! If they appear happy they stay for one hour intially by themselves and then we take it from their for each individual.

 

Sorry for such a long post! I hope she is beginning to settle and I know that as a team you will move through this - its all a learning curve!! And I have had a couple of children in past years who did this - I've always found that after they settle they are the most confident, outgoing children with the strongest will!

Good luck!!

[Upsy Daisy]

Then for the second week you need to start with separating for 10 minutes and build up - she will scream and cry but she needs to know that firstly when someone leaves they will come back and secondly that this is what happens - with relationship and trust built she would hopefully look for her KP for support who would also feel they know her a little better as well.

 

I'd also plan all this in conjunction with the family and be firm as you are in charge and responsible for the playgroup. I'd also speak ot mum about her fears - as has been mentioned before if she is not feeling comfortable in the setting then the child will not do either - she seeks reassurance from her carers and if they don't show it she won't either. This all needs to be shared with the parents.

 

 

Do you do this for every child cluckykid?

 

What made you choose the second week?

 

What if the child takes a little longer than others to settle and isn't ready to be left in the second week?

 

What if the parents/carers feel that a longer (or shorter) settling in period would be better?

 

I'm interested to see how many different approaches there are on here to the settling in process and would love to hear how people decide on their own particular method.

[Steve]

And by the way - welcome to the Forum cluckykid! Thanks for such a great first post!

[Guest]

Do you do this for every child cluckykid?

 

What made you choose the second week?

 

What if the child takes a little longer than others to settle and isn't ready to be left in the second week?

 

What if the parents/carers feel that a longer (or shorter) settling in period would be better?

 

I'm interested to see how many different approaches there are on here to the settling in process and would love to hear how people decide on their own particular method.

Hi upsydaisy, we try to best flexible as we can when looking after large groups of children and should always work with parents and respect their wishes but we are also the 'professional' and I think on some occasions parents/ carers are looking for guidance from us to support them through their own separation anxiety. we do settle children in quicker if they are fine but I think one member of staff i.e. Key person having a relationship / bond with the child is key as they someone they trust and can seek reassurance from. Hope this is ok? I suppose we all go about things differently as we're also unique and have so many different forms of ey's teams and provision.

[Upsy Daisy]

Hi upsydaisy, we try to best flexible as we can when looking after large groups of children and should always work with parents and respect their wishes but we are also the 'professional' and I think on some occasions parents/ carers are looking for guidance from us to support them through their own separation anxiety. we do settle children in quicker if they are fine but I think one member of staff i.e. Key person having a relationship / bond with the child is key as they someone they trust and can seek reassurance from. Hope this is ok? I suppose we all go about things differently as we're also unique and have so many different forms of ey's teams and provision.

 

Sorry cluckykid I completely forgot my manners! Welcome to the forum.

 

It's not for anyone here to judge whether your practice is ok. It clearly works well for you in your setting and I'm sure there are many other factors at play such as how long the Key Person gets to spend with the family in the first week to begin to develop that bond.

 

I'm interested to see such a wide and varied collection of settling in processes ranging from those which are totally led by the child to others where there is pre-ordained timetable set by the setting staff. Interestingly the process used by Pen Green sounds like it falls into the latter of those two categories although I'm sure it is excellent, research-based practice and it is clearly designed to give the child a very extended settling-in period.

 

In my own practice I prefer the parent to lead the settling-in process because they know their child best and the child will always take his or her cue from how the parent responds. Some are happy to leave the child within the first couple of days whereas others can take much longer. I think they all need to know that I won't push them to leave before they feel the time is right.

[Guest terrydoo73]

Well we have had another couple of distressing few days with this particular child and to be honest we are at our wits end over what to do. Yesterday at the snack table this child went into hysterics - simply because mum moved to the other end of the table from her child. The mother kept reminding the child that she was still there and there was no need for the crying. The upshot was the child eventually got up from the table not eating anything and moved back to paint - by which time there was no sign whatsoever of the tears of just a few minutes before.

 

Then today granny came in with her and the same thing happened at snack. Granny ended up sitting on her knees beside the chair and it just got worse as the time went on - granny was not allowed so much as an elbow away from her.

 

I personally don't know how we are going to break this cycle - would it be wise to wait until the beginning of November (when we have a week off) and say OK now she must come in on her own without mum or granny or would it be better just to let this situation continue until whenever. My Deputy and I both agree that we will never form a relationship with this child while the situation goes on and this is a case of manipulation, getting what she wants rather than what is best for her long term. I mean would time make any difference? Am I being cruel in thinking this way?

 

We have noticed it is having an effect on the other children too - there have been comments by children to their parents when they go home each day and these stories come back to us the next day. Also a child has become clingy with her mum leaving each day and she has been with us for the past 6 months.

 

Is it time for us to call in the professionals? Mum and granny are looking to us constantly for support but we cannot get to speak to them during the session nor do we feel it appropriate to advise what we believe to be a problem mum has to deal with herself namely spoilt!

 

Forgive me if I am offending you but I am at my wits end - I have been waking every morning at 4 am thinking over this whole situation and not really getting any more sleep from that to the morning so I am absolutely knackered at this stage with worry and my stomach is in knots constantly.

[Panders]

No words of wisdom will come to me I'm afraid. I did have a girl who has now progressed on to school, who was quite similar to your little one you mention.

 

This child had been born 10 weeks prem. had asthma, hearing loss in one ear, and a very slight weakness down one side of her body.

 

When she started with us mum couldn't bring her in as she was pregnant with 2nd child and told she must have bed rest up until birth in case she had prem child again.

 

Grandmas took it in turns week by week to bring J in. Paternal Grandma very protective of child and would sit outside pre-school for most of the morning just in case J didn't settle. J did form an attachment for a member of staff who became her Key Person, but, over a period of time became more and more anxious when that person moved away from her and particularly so at snack times. Her Key Person moved on after many many years of working in our pre-school and I became this child's Key Person. J had lots of time off with her asthma, so never really established any good patterns of being left but she did know one or two children from friendships started outside of pre-school and those children did eventually start with us too.

 

Finally, in her second year with us we decided in the Sept. to say, let's start again, as if she had only just begun with us, mum took this on board and J would do short hours for a few weeks, turns out she wasn't keen always on what we had for snack and that was one of her anxieties sorted out, that if we explained very carefully to her what we were going to do - i.e. I'm going to get some tissues from my table and I'll be right back" she got better at trusting us to move away from her because up until that point she was virtually at my side all the time, and I truly mean all the time. By Christmas, we had a different child. She was confident, playing with other children, initiating play, self selecting activities etc., she had the odd wobble if she had been off sick, but the difference in her was amazing.

 

We were just all incredibly patient with her and everyone took separation at J's pace rather than expecting her to fit into our "normal" pattern. Yes at time it was frustrating and it felt like it would never come right, but it did. We were very anxious for J particularly for the start of her Reception Yr, but so far, that has been going o.k.

[Upsy Daisy]

Rather than seeing the child's need to control the carer as the problem why not see it as a symptom of high anxiety?

 

If the child has a fear of being left it's not surprising that she becomes upset if she thinks someone is initiating a move away. The fact that she stops crying quickly doesn't mean she isn't anxious inside and waiting for it to happen again. She may be quite bossy to her carers but couldn't this be a manifestation of her fear as much as a demonstration of being spoilt?

 

How does this child behave at home? Does she cling to her carer, demanding to be within arm's length at every moment? If not, what is different when she's with you? It can only be fear of separation.

 

You could force the separation and there's a chance that she could realise it's not as bad as she thought and start to settle. However she could appear to be calm and cooperative with you but be upset and anxious inside and at home. She could also be inconsolable and unmanageable once left, in which case you'd have made the whole process even harder.

 

Could your first approach be just to sit for a few moments next to her carer without trying to speak as often as possible so that she can see that you're not trying to take this person away? I know that's the beginning of a long process but maybe that's what it's going to take.

Edited October 8, 2011 by Upsy Daisy

[Guest]

Need to point out a few things - we are not nursery but a 2 1/2 hours playgroup session for children who have turned 3 and will stay with us until they reach school age so it could be say 2 years in total depending on birthday. If a child turns 3 between September and December we are allowed to start them in during September if the child is ready for it. However after December the child must wait until their birthday but this year we are full so will have no other new starts. Hence my reluctance with the child waiting until say January - we have all of the rest settled and then this child comes back and we have to focus on her.

 

Mum does not need professional childcare for the baby but does need to be there for the child to be fed, changed etc etc. Dad works so she will have to leave this baby with someone either a grandparent or other relative. I am thinking about her in this process as there is the problem of having to sort this out as well as trying to work with her older child. One of the reasons she wanted the older child to start with us is that she could be mixing with her own age group and give mum time to bond with new baby.

 

Child was sick today so didn't come to playgroup.

 

I have caused hell on earth with my deputy today by mentioning this whole subject again and am really in the doghouse. I want to reach an agreement with my deputy but she feels I am not agreeing with her last week and going back on what we decided on Friday although she was the one who really wanted to seek advice as she felt unsure about how long we should be giving this child and another adult to be coming in. I am the Leader here and yet I appear to be bullying her into deciding on a tactic. Now we appear to be back to square one because the child will have had 3 days away from the Playgroup and it will be like resettling all over again.

 

Yes I agree with someone staying with the child - I am not disputing that in one way.

 

What I am disputing is who it is every day - to me the child doesn't normally stay with granny so why is she staying with her at Playgroup. Surely we need consistency here or am I being thick raising the whole issue of different strangers in the Playgroup each day which we have to explain to the rest of the children attending.

 

Also I am getting the impression that the child is dictating how it will be at Playgroup ie mums stay with me when I go here so what happens when we try to tell her that this is not the way it is.

 

My deputy is her key worker - should I just back away and let her devise the plan of action for this child and no-one else? She couldn't handle the hysteria last week with screaming and crying and shouting "I want my mummy" and asked me to get mum back. Should I have said "no you deal with it" and not allow mum back. This is the question my deputy is asking me now. She is also saying that we should not have said to the mum, granny, nanna, auntie etc that they could stay. I am backtracking according to her.

 

I just cannot seem to win whatever way I look at it. No much wonder I had a sleepless night last night going over and over this in my head. You could have cut the atmosphere in the Playgroup with a knife today as my deputy was extremely disappointed with me.

[Guest]

It really is a case of different child, different parents and weigh it all up.

 

I can't help but remember when my own little girl was at school in YEAR 3 (!!!!) a Mum was still staying until 10.30 am! The child had previously attended the affiliated preschool for 2 years as well. This was horrendous for the teacher and class and really not necessary, the child did not have any special needs and was just being a little 'pipsqueak'.

 

It was also a case of Mum not wanting to leave, rather than the child needing/wanting her to stay. As soon as Mum actually left within 10 mins the child was fine and happy all day. It just prolonged the agony every morning for the teacher and rest of the class.

[HappyMaz]

Welcome to the Forum islandgirl. The case you cite suggests that there was quite complex psychology at work and that the parent needed considerable help in separating from her child. It would support our view that it is important to handle separation issues at pre-school carefully and thoughtfully and to view the child and parent as a unit when it comes to devising strategies that will hopefully ease the tension for all concerned.

 

Upsy Daisy has made some very thoughtful points which help us reflect on what might be going on inside for the child who experiences extreme separation anxiety and this can really help practitioners to interpret children's behaviour and motives effectively in order to decide how best to support them.

[Guest]

This sounds very hard and I can sympathise with how anxious and stressed it is making you and the rest of the staff. Have you tried having her stay for only short periods of time at the end of the session? I think this is something you really need to do.

 

Secondly I think you need to make it clear to mum or whoever is there that if they are going to move away from the child they need to tell her. Not ask though, tell. "I'm going to sit here," for example, but also you shouldn't be attempting any separation at this point. It sounds like the child has got herself worked up into a vicious cycle of anxiety (or maybe control) that needs to be broken. This means a few days or even a week of absolute stability. No trying any separation or anything. Get mum to come in with her and have them both stay together for short periods of time and then leave together. During this time sit next to, but don't interact with either mum or the child, perhaps show non verbal interest in the child or her activity if it seems appropriate and welcome such as looking at her painting, smiling at her but saying nothing. If there are other children at the activity interact with them in a positive way so she gets used to this going on. Try to get mum to play at the activities with her rather than just standing around watching.

 

Don't worry about this not building your relationship with the child at the moment. It sounds more important to break the cycle of hysterics and anxiety first. Plus having you around but not interacting will be building up her trust of you, although it might not feel like it at first!