Beau Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Since today is Red Nose Day and many of you seem to have appreciated some of the jokes posted on the forum recently, I thought a light hearted thread sharing some of our favourite jokes would be good. Please don't forget to donate here! Remember, 60% of the money raised helps to give people living in grinding poverty across Africa a better chance in life and 40% helps disadvantaged people and communities across the UK turn their lives around. Okay, I'm not much good at jokes but to get the ball rolling................. A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow. Quote
aliamch Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I'm not good with jokes but here's one a friend sent me that made me chuckle! Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Quote
hali Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 well done..im sorry but have none..... such a party pooper but am struggling with life at mo, just want to get off........anyway will be about all nite and cannot wait for the giggles...so come on girlies make me laugh...... :wacko: Quote
Beau Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 This ones really lame too. Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Paddy: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now! Quote
Susan Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Haha!! well I laughed. Hope you feel better soon then Hali. Quote
hali Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 i laughed too...please keep them coming for my sanity...... Quote
Guest Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I cant think of any clean ones!! come on some one give us a laugh!! Quote
alis2son Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Well im a mine of useless info, and cheesy jokes so here goes: "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." And a really cheesy one in aid of st paddys: Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again." Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f*****g difference?" "That's exactly what I said!" Quote
JacquieL Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more pil es of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl _____ Quote
Guest Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 What's blue and square? An orange in disguise! Quote
alis2son Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 (edited) Ive got so many, some of them have to be good: One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "The good news," replied Adam. "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain." "OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?" "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time." What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do men like smart, sexy women? Opposites attract. In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear. Here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts: Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water... There now..... feeling better? Edited March 16, 2007 by alis2son Quote
Guest Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Brilliant! Really made me laugh! If we're allowed to be a little bit risque... What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum? Warren! Quote
Rea Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Zats clevr Jaki --------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did one saggy boob say to the other? We'd better perk up or people will think we're nuts. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse, writing something. " What on earth are you doing there ?" he asked. "Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm here and that's why Susie's sitting in the goldfish bowl !" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” Found on various web sites Quote
Beau Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Well done, those really made me laugh. Anyone from Liverpool? If you are then sorry about this batch.......... If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle ------------------------------- Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? Because if it walked it would be mugged ------------------------------- What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A Burglar ------------------------------- What do you call a Scouser in a tie? The Accused ------------------------------- What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut. ------------------------------- What do you say to a scouser in a uniform? Big Mac and fries please ------------------------------- What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night? What you looking at? ------------------------------- What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit? The Bride Quote
aliamch Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The copper said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" ------------------------------------------------------- The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle". ------------------------------------------------------- A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. "Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box". Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?" "Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them." --------------------------------------------------------- A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!" "Good.." "Now I also want you to take off my Bra." "Good..." "Now can you take off my panties." "Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- these are a few more of the cleaner ones my friends have sent me Karrie Quote
Guest Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Think I like the saggy boob joke best so far! Quote
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