Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No I don't waste time shopping" the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money, instead,I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight. "The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,and smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up wine, shopping and hair appointments." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Nice one, Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 what about this then..not a joke..but excellent: Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals. About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought. Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!) Send this to five phenomenal women today...they'll love you for it! I just did. THEN, GO TO BED! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacquieL Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 eer Hali, my hubby does all that was listed, does that mean MY life expecttancy will be less than his???, better change the life insurance policies then. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I've sent a copy to my other half who queried why my daughter needed make up wipes and moisturiser at TESCOs today. Now he knows! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 better had peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Here's a joke I saw the other day in the newspaper, I've edited it slightly because there was swearing in it: What do you do if you're driving your car and you see...a fire engine to the left of you, an ambulance to the right of you, a helicopter flying at almost ground level behind you and a flying pig in front of you??? Get off the kids merry go round!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 better had peggy :wacko: Change the life insurance policies or change my ways and do more wifey stuff Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 insurance policies of course!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wolfie Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Hali, that true observation of life is brilliant - I've just printed it off and will leave it "lying about"! Our household is like that but in the mornings....I get up at 6.20 - to enormous protests from my other half because it wakes him up - so that I can get out of the door by 7.25 having done everything that needs to be done! Needless to say, he gets up at 7.10 and is out of the door by 7.30 without a thought for anyone else! I'm not really moaning, he does a hell of a lot for everyone in the family at other times...just not last thing at night or first thing in the morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I've only got 2 jokes... Whats brown and sticky? A stick and this isnt really a joke just a thing on my T-shirt... There are 3 types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 , three smileys for that one Rea. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 19, 2007 Share Posted February 19, 2007 three Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Since we're in the jokey mood, my sister sent me this one. >The Perfect Husband... Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£130,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £1,550,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 1,500,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone knows whose phone is this? " Net x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Wolfie Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 fab Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I liked a joke I heard on the radio yesterday (don't usually remember them!!). Here goes: Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It doesn't really matter, what matters is that the light bulb really wants to change' GET IT??!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Fantastic!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Old lady jokes are becoming closer to my heart, heres a couple... Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?" Three old ladies sitting in the park. 1st old lady 'Isnt it windy?' 2nd old lady 'No, I think it's Thursday' 3rd old lady 'So am I. Lets get a cup of tea' I found this one on this site... Jokes On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!" I know I should be doing soemthing more productive but I couldnt resist this one... A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!" :wacko: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a riverbank, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress . The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 All of these jokes have just made my evening! Brilliant read very funny so gonna pass them on to my girly friends Fantastic May be back if I can think of any to add Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beau Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 You like old lady jokes Rea? Thought of you when I saw these. OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _____________________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ______________________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was rea lly concerned that she was losing it! She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "What, am I driving?" ______________________________________________________ An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Those are brilliant Beau. The first one about the memory loss is spot on. I'll be tittering all day now. :wacko: (Well, it could be worse ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 8, 2007 Share Posted March 8, 2007 Marion Loved your seamstress one so much I took it to our staff meeting. We each read a bit around the table before the meeting started... they didn't know what was coming but by the end we were all giggling like idiots! Nice one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Try this one The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends. PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacquieL Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Nice one Marion keep them coming! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 Here's some I got from my husband - hope you like them too! Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant!! "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 These jokes are birlliant!! Keep 'em coming!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Subject: Turndowns HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE : Hiding from you. HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE : Is this seat empty? SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE : I'm a female impersonator. HE : Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE : Do not enter. HE : Your body is like a temple. SHE : Sorry, there are no services today. HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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