Teenage Lads And Dads

[Rea]

I feel like I'm in the middle of a battle with absolutly no chance of being able to pacifie either side because they are both 'right'. They've had a row again today, shouting and bawling, so dad has taken away phone, computer use and isnt speaking. Sam is actually saying 'fine, if he wants to be like that...' I can see both sides, I know how infuriating they both can be and how stubborn and pig headed. I cant say to either one of them that they are in the wrong/right because then I'll be 'siding' with the other one. I really really wish one of them would be a grown up and back down enough for a conversation to start.

Will it get better, all you who have teenage sons? Can I ever be anything other than a mediator?

Please say 'yes'.

[Guest]

Yes, Rea .... but not till they grow up and leave home ... either son or dad (or you if it gets really bad!!)

 

Virtual hugs being sent xxx

[Inge]

Take Heart,

 

it does improve,

 

Although we always managed a mid ground by talking, but it was me rather than dad

 

 

got lots better when he left home, aware of 'outside world' lots of other parents and came and admitted that we were 'better than others!! '

 

we found letting go, not controlling and own mistakes helpful but realise he was a person who responded well to this and others may not.

 

As always each is individual and we love them anyway!! Just have to let them know that.

 

 

 

Inge

[Deb]

Don't get me started on teenage sons! We've never had any real problems with them, they're good boys. Compared to other's problems no doubt these are trivial but they're driving me mad at the moment. My 18 year old (has always felt jealous since he was a little boy) is so angry with the 16 year old who keeps using his football boots, coat, jacket etc and thinks we are not taking enough action. We've bought football boots (not the right ones of course but as he only plays football at school and we have already bought £50 rugby boots you will no doubt understand why!). We've tried reasoning, applying sanctions and grounding him, and lastly putting our foot down over many months! Oh I won't bore you with the details, it's so stressful at times trying to keep the peace isn't it!! Here am I giving my all to other people's children and I can't even sort my own out. Told youngest to get a job if he wants these things but he hasn't the self confidence because of his dyslexia despite being a popular, blonde haired, blue eyed 6ft hunk. My eldest is so responsible, confident, popular, hard working, reliable does everything the right way. Who would be a mother! Does it get better?

[Guest]

What, you mean to say you don't have a 'Positive behaviour management policy' for home.

Don't write one, just show them your preschool one, give them a copy each and then let them get on with it.

 

My son had one stand up confrontation with his 'step dad' about a month after we moved in. Son wouldn't back down, nor would hubby. ( all over how hubby perceived my son to be talking down to me :wacko: )

Son (aged 13 at the time) stormed upstairs, cried, hubby went up and had a man to man talk with him, been fine ever since. (son's 24 yrs now)

Hubby just seems to be able to convey authority, ( not fear) through statements such as "That was not a request", "or If you find out before me that I've found out what you did then....."( that one always throws them ), fair but firm, always gave them a chance to redeem themselves. And yes, at some point or other they all got one over on him, but he would soon let them know he knew Basically though, it is our house, their home and when in our house respect comes in the door with them each time they enter.

 

Good luck all, we have it all to start again come Easter, setting ground rules etc plus some sibling rivalry.

 

Peggy

[hali]

do sympathise Rea, im just going into that phase, not looking forward to it

[Guest]

p.s. Just to make you feel even worse ( sorry)Since moving in with hubby, I have never, ever, been expected to do the washing up. our 2sons did it, every day, from the ages of 12 / 13 respectively, until they left home. and their own washing when they were mid teens, and their own ironing. if they were not home for dinner, they even did their own cooking.

Since they left home, hubby has done all the 'chores'. I have been surrounded by 'new man' for the last 12 years, aren't I lucky.

 

p.p.s My son, Ellis, just came up to me with a packet of pear drops, handed me some and said " Don't say I don't ever say I love you, have some of these" ah bless.

[Inge]

Similar here Peggy,

 

son had to do own washing, ironing from 16 in our case,

cooking if he was not in for meal,

washing up has always been part of his daily routine as has emptying the bin whenever full

 

Since leaving home he has become well known for his cooking, often cooking for his friends families when he stays with them,

 

as always washing he does it but still every once in a while brings home a car full!!

 

Now we share chores, hubby does ironing (ex services!!), washing up and some of the cooking, currently doing all as I cannot with my back problem.. with son helping when he is home for a day or two.

 

we did decide to get him ready for uni early!!

 

Inge

[Guest]

Similar here Peggy,

 

son had to do own washing, ironing from 16 in our case,

cooking if he was not in for meal,

washing up has always been part of his daily routine as has emptying the bin whenever full

 

Since leaving home he has become well known for his cooking, often cooking for his friends families when he stays with them,

 

as always washing he does it but still every once in a while brings home a car full!!

 

Now we share chores, hubby does ironing (ex services!!), washing up and some of the cooking, currently doing all as I cannot with my back problem.. with son helping when he is home for a day or two.

 

we did decide to get him ready for uni early!!

 

Inge

 

My hubby is ex services too. I sometimes think they should bring back national service just so that our youth of today ( male and female) at least get to learn self discipline, self respect and how to look after themselves with a sense of pride. ooh, sound like an army recruitment officer now.

[hali]

blimy should hav married an ex servicemen then

[Susan]

I was always the mediator Rea, but it got better at about 16 although it did mean he kicked a bit against me in the process but its all good now due to common interests.

Its the dominant male thing of the animal world with both exerting their presence and needs a female to intervene!!!

[Rea]

Well, apart from Peggy, I seem to be in a normal phase, Thank the lord.

I'm so fed up with it all. Hubby says things like ' I'd have got a good 'un if I'd spoken to my dad like that' and I'm trying to point out, diplomatically, that thats not really the way to think about dealing with your children (even if they do drive you mad) and that teenagers are teenagers the world over.

Peggy, I agree about the national service, always have thought teenagers need something more than just more school or university. Dont fancy lending your hubby out do you? A male Dr Tania!

[Guest]

Well, apart from Peggy, I seem to be in a normal phase, Thank the lord.

I'm so fed up with it all. Hubby says things like ' I'd have got a good 'un if I'd spoken to my dad like that' and I'm trying to point out, diplomatically, that thats not really the way to think about dealing with your children (even if they do drive you mad) and that teenagers are teenagers the world over.

Peggy, I agree about the national service, always have thought teenagers need something more than just more school or university. Dont fancy lending your hubby out do you? A male Dr Tania!

 

 

He was only saying the other day that he would love to run a 'lads army' type setting ( for want of a better term) even to the point of considering whether he could get government funding to set it up. I bought him back to reality saying anything government pays towards he would be knee deep in justifying his every thought, let alone move.

Also his comment about snipers on the roof for any absconders did worry me just a tad.

Thing is I wouldn't describe him as a disciplinarian, he just seems to manifest respect from teens and we've had a few over the last year, fostering, ones who have had umpteen moves because they are not handled well and just get deeper and deeper into trouble. Mind you, they see a united front between me and hubby, this seems to help.

 

Peggy

[Guest]

I have read this post with interest - my boys, 16 and 14 driving me and the school mad. And yes how good would it be to have a behaviour policy at home - might just get on to that one!! I am hoping that I may learn some skills tomorrow night - I am going to an evening training course on bringing up boys by Ali McClure where I am hoping that it may just shed some light on these strange alpha males whose immaturity and hormones are driving one menopausal women around the bend. If I learn anything new and I am sure I will I will share it with you. Going for two reasons have a gaggle of 8 4 year old boys and am trying to focus their energy into some more purposeful play, looking for inspiration and also to look at strategies dealing with teenagers. Runs over two weeks and am really looking forward to it. After I had both sons on exclusion last week for bad behaviour at school then I think I need it, but its nice (or not as the case may be) to think that I am not the only parent with poor parenting skills. There is no Mr. which has its pluses and minuses as far as bringing up my boys and Peggy after you have hired out your husband to the first request - can I go second please.

Nikki

[Rea]

Nicola, I saw a Professor Winston programme where he described how a teenagers brain starts to make new connections but before the new lines of thought are set the brain removes the old ones. This leads teens to have a very limited understanding of other peoples feelings and moods. Thats why they dont stop, why they have to keep on even when you are seeing red, your emotion doesnt register with them. Its also a time of needing more sleep and in a different pattern, something which our school and college hours dont allow for. I can personaly remember being chased around the kitchen by my mom with a tea towel in her hand, obviously she couldnt catch me, but I did probably deserve it, I didnt know when to stop.

I have to say my teens are ok. Its a definite dad and son clash here, and to be perfectly honest I see far more maturity from my son, wherein lies my problem.

[Guest]

I have read this post with interest - my boys, 16 and 14 driving me and the school mad. And yes how good would it be to have a behaviour policy at home - might just get on to that one!! I am hoping that I may learn some skills tomorrow night - I am going to an evening training course on bringing up boys by Ali McClure where I am hoping that it may just shed some light on these strange alpha males whose immaturity and hormones are driving one menopausal women around the bend. If I learn anything new and I am sure I will I will share it with you. Going for two reasons have a gaggle of 8 4 year old boys and am trying to focus their energy into some more purposeful play, looking for inspiration and also to look at strategies dealing with teenagers. Runs over two weeks and am really looking forward to it. After I had both sons on exclusion last week for bad behaviour at school then I think I need it, but its nice (or not as the case may be) to think that I am not the only parent with poor parenting skills. There is no Mr. which has its pluses and minuses as far as bringing up my boys and Peggy after you have hired out your husband to the first request - can I go second please.

Nikki

 

 

No, sorry, he's all mine and I will need him when the sibling foster family arrive.

I do not think that not having a Mr around causes difficult teenagers nor does having difficult teenagers equal poor parenting. I was a single parent until my son was 12 yrs old and he had the basic grounding of what is right and wrong, however, to others he appeared 'mouthy' towards me, this I believe was because his position within the family was not always made clear to him by me, sometimes a mother / son relationship but more often a friend, confidant, informed too much at a too early age about adult ( parent) concerns such as how to pay the bills or buy the next weeks food shop. I bought him up encouraging his independence, to voice his opinions and that he deserves as much listening to as my opinions, to stand up for what he believes to be right, to be a leader not a follower, etc.

Think of Teenagership ( is there such a word) as just another phase, like toddler tantrums, or I'm 8 yrs and know everything, or I'm 12 yrs don't want to hear'know anything, do anything, like anyone and no-one likes me and I want to be an adult now phase.

 

REA, Your comments make a lot of sense. as for hubby, maturity decreases with the male menopause, doesn't it?. ooh better watch out, don't want to appear sexist.

 

Peggy

[hali]

what maturity peggy