Feeling Ashamed

[Guest]

This is really horrible and you'll probably all be shocked and disgusted but do you ever have children who you really don't like?

 

I have had nearly a year of a child who has driven my TA and me round the bend - to the extent where my TA doesn't want to come to work. He has a negative effect on the other children in the class and takes up a disproportionate amount of my time when the class as a whole isn't easy.

 

Yesterday he soiled himself and believe me it was everywhere. He complained about the smell (as did everyone else because it was foul) but didn't say it was him. We eventually worked out it was him and had to clear him up by showering him. However, he had been perfectly happy to play at lunchtime in that state (this was when it must have happened) and go out and ride a bike like it (I had had to send everyone outside because the smell in the classroom was unbearable). Mum hasn't apologised or said thank-you.

 

He often adopts a strange voice when speaking, has no awareness of other people's space or personal boundaries (will charge straight into you, sits squashed up to other children etc), used to refer to himself in the third person (yay - my one success!), will deliberately do something he knows he's not meant to do all the while looking at you and smirking, copies other children's behaviour but exaggerates it, makes noises with his mouth closed whilst we're having quiet times/discussions/stories etc, turns off the computers...the list goes on.

 

Today I lost my temper with him and now I feel ashamed. He deliberately wrecked something that was part of a display and this just seemed to sum up his utter contempt for all of us and the classroom environment. I sat him outside the deputy head's room and when I went to get him back he had tightened his watch strap to such an extent that his hand was red and swollen and his fingertips had turned blue. After a struggle I released this and checked the capillary refill on his nails which was fine and his hand did return to a normal colour. I couldn't tell his mum about it because the child-minder came to pick him up but I did tell him about it.

 

On the form for the school nurse mum has written that she doesn't have any concerns! This despite the fact that she spends ages every day talking to me about his behaviour and the things he's done at home.

 

I did use to feel sorry for him but now I don't - that's really harsh isn't it? Whatever we've tried - behaviour charts (still ongoing), praise (still ongoing) hasn't made any difference.

 

I don't know what I want anyone to say really. I just feel horribly guilty because I shouted and was horrible in front of the other children. Maybe this is just like confessional. I know I shouldn't dislike him but I can't lie. I don't think his behaviour has been caused by me because he came into school in September like it.

 

I'm sorry to anyone who reads this and is shocked by my unprofessionalism or heartlessness in feeling like I do. I've sat for a long time debating whether to post this or not but feel that it would be dishonest not to. Sorry.

Edited May 19, 2006 by Guest

[Guest]

Oh Moose-I really don't know what to say to make you feel better. Other than that we have all probably been there at some time in our careers. It would be impossible to like every child-that is not real life. We will never get on with everybody we come across.

I suppose we are lucky in our pre-school situation in that we have 6 members of staff and we share the burden-even me as owner. If one of us doesn't particularly like a child somebody else will always see the positives in them. It must be very difficult when you get a situation like this and there are only two of you.

He does seem to have sone sort of behaviour problem though-has nothing been done to address this? I would be seeking advice from senior management on this if I were you-you can't have the situation where your TA doesn't want to go to work. That is very unfair on her and you. Is there nobody you can speak to about this?

Don't beat yourself up too much about it-we all lose our rag and at least you have the humility to feel bad about it.

Try and enjoy the weekend.

Linda

[Susan]

Moose, it is the situation not you that is awful. We are entitled to loose our cool everyone once in a while and it wont have hurt the child in question or the others to know that there are boundaries across which they can not go.

I think if you are not already doing so you shuld record the incidents and the resulting behaviour that you witnessed today. I cant imagine that he would have known that doing that with his watch would cause such a problem so that must just be coincidence--I would be really alarmed if I thought he had known as that must constitute self harm and need urgent help? You might have a better idea though. Did you repirt this on to SMT?

 

The soiling also causes me concern, especially as he seemed unaware. How long has he been going to a childminder, could there be something else going on here too?

 

Although it is rare that I have had such an intense dislike for a child, I am afraid that some children do rub us up the wrong way, try as hard as we might not to let it. I have been in the situation though and not so long ago when a child in my class was so difficult that I began to dread to going to school so I can empathise. Fortunately, the situation was extreme and I had a sympathetic head teacher and she gave us all time out and temporarily moved the child to another class. You indeed did that by moving this child to the deputy's room but is it possible for you to arrange for him to go elsewhere and spend some quality time in another situation to give you all a break??

 

It does sound as if the mother is in denial when it comes to getting some other support. Perhaps, if you have not already done so you need to involve your Senco now.

 

Good luck.

Have a good weekend and try not to worry about this.

[Guest]

Thanks Linda. I have spoken about it but there is the attitude, sometimes I think, that it's only Reception. Our Senco has recently left. You'd only ever get something done about a child if she liked you. Needless to say she didn't think a great deal of me so nothing was done. My head now says that he's really going to try and push for something to be done about this child. Only 8 teaching weeks to the end of term so maybe future years will get some help. They'll need it.

Edited May 19, 2006 by Guest

[Guest]

I think all of us come across that one child every so often who drives us completely up the wall! So don't feel ashamed, you can't like everyone!

You are probably feeling more guilty because this child has behaviour issues, has the child been assessed at all by anyone?

Don't know what else to say really apart from stop worrying and enjoy the weekend

Jo

[bubblejack]

Oh dear Moose what an awful situation you are in. I think you and your T.A. are angels to have put up with this behaviour for so long!!!!!

He just seems to be craving for attention all the time. You must seek advice and I can understand how you must feel. Try and put it to the back of your mind untill Monday and then confide in your head teacher.

[JacquieL]

I think we have all been there at some time or other and then felt terrible about feeling like this, but we are only human.You obviously care very much about doing a good job and you need some support with this boy, and he needs help from somewhere as his behaviour is very disturbed. This needs addressing by your SMT as he is only going to get worse as he gets older.

Have a restful weekend , enjoy some chocolates and/or wine and talk seriously to your HT on Monday.

Lots of hugs from all of us! (((Moose)))

[Posy]

Moose

I agree with all that's been said, we've all had children that drive us to distraction and this little boy has had a great deal of your time and energy over the year. And it doesn't sound as if you've had much support from anyone. Have a chat with your HT /line manager on Monday, I think it sounds like this whole family have some issues.

Love Barb

PS This is my first post with my new name so don't know what wll show up, quite exciting really

[Marion]

As everyone has said we all have children that we struggle to find anything positive about so dont blame yourself.

We currently have a child who none of the staff feel 'safe' being alone with to the point of Thursday the head sent for her mother. The child in question kicked and punch her mother until the mother began to cry at which point she pushed her face into her mothers and smirked (luckily I was at a meeting) We had to take advice from the LEA and she is now considered a hazard in the unit. Unfortunately as we are a unit we have another year to look forward to.

[Guest]

Thank you everyone for being so nice. I honestly don't know what I'd do without this site and all of you.

[Guest]

Oh Moose, what a terrible way to feel!

 

As the majority have already said, we do, from time to time, all have a particular child with whom we can find anything positive to say about. This is not an indication, in my opinion of poor professionalism, this is simply human nature, we can't always like everyone we come into contact with.

 

I suspect you would probably feel more positive towards the child if you were being afforded the support and co-operation from his mother. And for her not to not say thank you after her child was cleared up is, in my opinion, a lack of manners and pretty ungrateful.

 

I would try (and I know it's easier said than done!) to put the situation out of your mind over the remainder of the weekend. As with children, a bit of 'time out' might do you good!

 

I don't believe you should beat yourself up about unprofessionalism. Sometimes it is in the best interests of the children to know that there are boundaries that will have consequences when crossed. Obviously this child has crossed the boundary and your patience has finally worn thin. I also feel that you have shown nothing but professionalism, as you have 'put up' with the behaviour for such a long time and have tried to seek help. You obviously care about the child, otherwise his actions wouldn't drive you to such distraction.

 

The children who heard you shouting will soon forget all about it. I don't think they will hold it against you!

 

Please try to remain positive about the situation Moose. We're all here on the forum, not to judge you, but to offer you the support that you should be getting from the school and the child's mother.

 

Please try and enjoy the rest of the weekend! I second wholeheartedly, the chocolate/wine way of relaxing!

 

Good luck with next week and remember, as you have already said, only 8 more weeks to go! Then he will move on to another class and you will be able to offer your support to the next teacher who has to work with the child!

[Guest]

Guess what Moose, the children actually love and respect you all the more because you have shown them your humanity, you have shown them that you have consistent and clear boundaries, and you have shown them that adults are vulnerable to their emotions too.

 

BIG, BIG, HUGS.

 

Peggy

[Guest]

Hi Moose,

Just found this thread and thought I would add my hugs too It sounds to me as if your little boy needs help - is there any way you could get the ed psych in to observe? Try not to stress, today is a new day...

[Guest flutter]

Moose

 

You do not need to beat yourself up like this. We have all been there. This child's behaviour is extreem and you do need support fromSMT. He could do with 1:1 support for a while. Could you ask for more help in class for a few weeks (preferably 8!) or seek advice from Early years' advisor at county. Someone out there can help, just keep on HT back to ensure that he has done something.

 

We are all with you on this one.

[Sue R]

Hi,

I have been following this and empathising. Everyone has such good advice I haven't added anything, but really feel that another hug is never amiss!!

 

((xx)) Sue

[Guest]

And from me too!!! No doubtedly we have all been there, so keep your chin up!!!!

Enjoy your Sunday's rest!!! If only eh!

[Guest]

Dear Moose,

 

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me as if this child is displaying some classic signs of Autism - soiling, self harming (hyposensitive to pain), not knowing boundaries for behaviour, using a strange voice. I think he needs an ed phyc assessment asap.

[Guest]

After constant nagging I did manage to get the Ed Pysch in but, guess what, on that day he was as good as gold. My TA and I couldn't believe it and kept saying, 'He's never like this,' and the Ed Pysch went away saying there was nothing the matter with him, he obviously knows how to interact, can play nicely etc and just to give him praise. We had documented evidence of his behaviour (lots and lots) but nothing was made of that so I've given up doing that as it was just more work for no apparent reason.

 

At the same time she also looked at another child I have who eats everything (uncooked rice, playdough, flour, stuff off the bottom of his shoe...) and has VERY poor language skills. His social skills are also poor, basically because of his home environment. She said she was concerned about him (believe me, he's a doddle compared with the child above) and that she was going to refer him to Speech and Language. This was back at the beginning of Term 4 but so far I've heard nothing. Is that normal? How is it okay that these children 'bide time' in Reception without getting the help they so desperately need? That's a whole year out of their life! I really despair of this job sometimes, either that or my ability to do it.

[Marion]

Pleased its not only my area where Ed Psycs dont seem to want to know. Our new Head is very keen to identify problems early so we have chance to do something (unlike the old head who waited until Y3) but our Ed Psyc wants to wait (even with a child in my class who entered on Band D)

[Guest]

"I really despair of this job sometimes, either that or my ability to do it. "

 

You have done your job Moose, by identifying these childrens needs and supporting them as best you can with the limited resources you have.

It is the ed Psych and others who are leading you to your despair.

 

Mentally prepare to ENJOY the next eight weeks, whatever happens, think FUN, laugh when you feel like crying / or shouting. Giggle for no apparent reason, lay down on the floor and kick your legs and have a paddy at your next assembly ( sorry, I'm getting silly now, what would the head say ).

 

Spend the next week smiling and winking at the young boy, and totally confuse him by showing the sheer joy you are feeling of having him in your class. Give his mum a big hug and tell her what a lovely boy she has and how much you will miss him when he leaves at end of term. Plan to play all your favourite games next week, change the curriculum topic to "10 ways to have fun" ( two ways per day at least, repeated throughout the day for consolidation, extend to having extremely good fun)

 

Peggy

[Rea]

Hi Moose, just want to empathise. I had a girl at playgroup who irritated the hell out of me whenever she came near me. I couldnt use the same tone of voice as with other children even when she was in nice mode.

Do what Peggy suggests, I've acted like that a few times lately due to being in awful settings. It really does help you get through the day. Good luck

[SmileyPR]

Hi Moose,

 

I empathize with you and your TA, as well as the rest of your class because surely enough they know there is something wrong with this child.

 

While I was reading the description of his behaviour it made me wonder if he is not just 'punishing' himself... behaving like that as for getting 'punished' (surely enough not from you) because someone has told him 'he is a bad boy' or something is being done to him that makes him think/feel he deserves being mistreated... a message he could be getting from outside of school. Surely enough, this is just my supposition and I can be totally wrong. I don't know.. it was just this 'feeling'.... maybe from my own childhood experience. He does need, at least, SEN help to evaluate what is the cause and see how all of you can help him.

 

Does he know your Ed. Psycs. and her 'function' at your school? ("Someone from the Office." or so). Does he behave like that in front of 'strangers'... people he doesn't normally deal with in your normal day by day class routine?

 

Anyway, Peggy has spoken again with great wisdom. I second her suggestion!

 

Best wishes and enjoy your week-end.

 

BIG HUGS !!!