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Hiya, not posted here before as I am a cm but hoping someone can help me. My son is in year 1 at primary school in NW. He was taken to the headmaster yesterday and Im wondereing why I wasnt informed until after the event. Can I request that I am told and given a chance to be present should any future situations arise or are parents "not allowed" as its within the confines of school?.

 

The history of this is that my son in reception had been taunted by a particular child, the staff new of the situation but it was only my son that was reprimanded and taught about "keeping his temper" using "kind hands and feet ". This resulted in ( 8mths down the line) him biting the childthat taunted him or made him cross. The head was told andhe told both boys off but mainly my son. He admitted to me that he "shouted at him "and said to my son that "he was angry but he wasnt biting him !". I wasnt told till after the event.

 

Now my child is in year one with same aggressor in his class. He has shoved this child and as a consequence the child banged his head. he was taken to the head. Left with the head on his own( ? is this normal and allowed ?) He has told me tonight that said child doesnt let him play and if he joins in threatens to "spit in his tray".

 

I am very upset about it as my child does have a temper but only when goaded.

 

I dont have a good relationship with the head as my daughter was bullied two years back and we left the school. We had to return due to logistics. The teachers are good but I have no confidence in the head.

 

I'd be grateful for any advice or guidance on this as my son is only 5+ yrs and feel this has been far too 'extreme' in my opinion. I do know some of the rules re protocol but not all.

 

Please help

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Hi at the school that I teach at, a child is sent to the head as a last resort for low level behaviour but always immediately after an incident such as biting or pushing or hitting as it is considered completely unacceptable behaviour no matter how much it is provoked. It is standard practice in my school to only let parents know at the end of the day and no there is no issue with a headteacher speaking to a child alone and reprimanding them without a parent being called in (even at age 5) If an incident occurs like this, the issue needs to be addressed with the children immediately for impact, wait for half an hour or so for a parent to arrive and the moment has been missed. I teach reception and have on occasion sent a child to the head if I've felt it necessary so I don't think it extreme. I can totally see how frustrating it is for you when you know that this other child is the main instigator and your son is not usually like this so I do think that you need to go into school and talk through with his teacher and the head your concerns and what is the way forward. It is often the nature of children that they are drawn to the least desirable friends and so my reaction as a parent would be to support the school in reprimanding my son after all I wouldn't want him to do it again but also do my best to help him to cultivate more positive friendships (have been in this situation with my son) I would arrange children to come back for tea and play dates in the holidays etc and hopefully he will realise that this child is not the sort of child he wants to play with and will have strong friendships away from him.

 

Deb

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Busybee is right regarding the issue of your chid being sent to the head. This is certainly normal practise and there is no issue with the child being alone with the head (I'm not sure why there would be to be honest!) It's also normal for parents not to be informed of this until afterwards, as Busybees said when incidents occur with children you can't wait around before you tell them off. As for saying, "he was angry but he wasn't biting him", this seems within normal bounds as well. There are stories which use this as a theme to teach children how to control themselves/deal with anger in a different way and although it might be a little over complicated for a 5 year old, it's not something I would believe is implicitly wrong to say. I don't want to sound harsh but if you demand to be there whenever your son sees the head you do risk looking overbearing and fussy and having them stop taking you seriously. I have seen this happen far too often in schools and I don't want you to get yourself in this situation because I've had parents I've felt incredibly sorry for because no one except me is bothered when they express concerns because they have given themselves this reputation!

 

I think it's important here that you don't allow your dislike of the headteacher (which I'm sure is very reasonable after what happened with your daughter, please don't think I'm saying it isn't!) to make you see his actions as excessively unreasonable. You need to focus on the main issue at hand which is that your son is being taunted. Of course this is making you see red about everything, what parent wouldn't!

 

You say you like the teachers. Why not then arrange a meeting with his teacher instead of involving the head? If they are good they will take your concerns on board and are in a much better position than the head to see what is going on everyday in class. As teachers our main problem with situations like this is that often children aren't telling us about the initial problem (the threats etc) but are instead reacting themselves. Of course this is perfectly natural for young children but you can understand that we have to make the point that biting/shoving etc is wrong even if it is only a reaction to what someone else is done. Our worse nightmares are the parents who say "if he hits you, hit him back!" (I'm sure you don't say this, I just mean in general!) I think a meeting between you and the teacher would help things move forward, you can then both work together to emphasise futher to your son that he needs to report incidents involving the other child rather than reacting and if you have been to speak to the teacher about it she is less likely to look upon it as "telling tales" when he does this and will take appropraite action. You might also get her to see that the other child does have issues that need to be addressed (he clearly likes the power/control he's exercising).

 

As Busybee already said, although it's frustrating, you need to support the school with the reprimand, as I'm sure you are already doing letting him know he was wrong too, but attempt to move things forward in a positive way. All children want to be accepted by everyone, which does sometimes lead to them repeatedly returning to a child who has rejected them in the hopes of changing things. Helping him build friendships with others and talking to him about staying away from this child (as I'm sure you have already) could also help the situation.

 

I hope that helps a little with what is a difficult situation for you and your son.

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Hello from a very emotionally worn mother !

Thanks for all your replies. Im feeling much better but it hasnt been without a few ( quite a few) tears shed on my part. I have done already what you both (Kariana/Deb) have suggested. I havent gone near the head. He, as you have said is too far removed ( and ignorant- he told my child he was a fibber too... ) to really to know my child and what is going on daily. After hearing the news on Wednesday, I went to my child and told him that it is always wrong to push anyone. Gave him a hug and kiss and left.

At home that night the "spitting scenario" was mentioned. I totally agree with action needing to be taken immediately as the moment is lost very quickly. My son couldnt tell me anything about it really.

I repeated the analogy of "winners /losers" with him as this worked in reception. Gave him a small plastic game piece ( catch me if you can game) to put in his pocket as a reminder . Reassurred him with cuddles and how good I know he is and can be etc before bed.

 

That night was horrible for me as it was one of several dilemas that I have been faced with this week - it happens in threes they say - felt like tens to me ! :o Didnt sleep well and was trying to stop myself crying my eyes out. Mainly for the injustice of it all and how easily things could and can be different with the right people in charge. Anyway in the middle of school morning dash - there I am writing down what my thoughts and concerns are and the history with this child. Requesting that the parents/carers be informed too.

hand in the note and arranged to see both teachers after school as I didnt have any mindees, so was free to talk.

 

Basically at the meeting the agreed with the fact that he was being provoked. that it was necessary as youve said re the shoving incident to take him to the head. The only thing negative was that he doesnt keep his own space on the carpet and in line. Which Im not at all bothered about as it is something he will learn. We are to start a home/school diary. I came away pleased that I hadnt sobbed again. It was the thought of having another five years of torment ahead I couldnt bare. Especially as my daughter is only just settling down 2.5yrs on !

Not sure about the diary but agreed. Spoke to Chrissy asking him how hed gotten on. Told me the said child had told the teacher he had something in pocket which was then taken from him. He cried at this point and said that he had tried anyway . It broke my heart again.

So today went in again but this time less emotional. The difficulty is knowing what to say within the confines of school protocol that I find difficult without giving offence. Anyway decided to bite the bullet. Namely ask where his "reminder was" The teacher looked puzzled so I explained that he had been "snitched" on by said child and she had taken it. She hadnt realised this was the "reminder" Chrissy didnt tell her .

She said to chrissy that he should have said it was from me. Then she turned to me and said " he has totally lost his confidence in talking to us hasnt he ?" I then chucked protocol out of the window ( and I know those that know me on here wont be surprised at this ) Saying "well yes, maybe two trips to the head hasnt helped, youll need to build it up again!" I then asked as they had agreed that there was 'provocation 'what they were doing about it if anything.

 

Thankfully she said that the offending childs parents had at last been spokent too. She then said " you just want to protect them dont you" and I replied " No it isnt that, its just that I want the right thing to be done. You have an opportunity here to readdress any inadeqacies outside of school, and within childrens homes. To create a level playing field. They just need the right guidance and boundaries set, otherwise all you are nurturing is the next batch of high school bullies!" I then thanked her saying that I felt reassurred the correct approach was finally being taken.

 

I hope now we see an improvement. My son does seem to have lots of friends and as you experienced ladies have already said, still gravitates to the kid that upsets him.

He was invited too a party tonight and we are arranaging a few other friends to come over next week . Hadnt thought about half term, but as Im working through he will have luckily one of my mindees whom is in the year above so he does have others he can go to and like HIM.

 

Thanks again. Im relieved to end the week finally on a positive. Hope you all have a good weekend. x xD

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Oh waveawand my heart goes out to you and your little boy what an emotional week you have both had! It sounds like you have approached the situation with the staff at school in the right way and it sounds too that you are are supporting your son in a positive way too. Lets hope that next week brings a more positive week for you both-fingers crossed

hugsXX

Deb

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Oh waveawand my heart goes out to you and your little boy what an emotional week you have both had! It sounds like you have approached the situation with the staff at school in the right way and it sounds too that you are are supporting your son in a positive way too. Lets hope that next week brings a more positive week for you both-fingers crossed

hugsXX

Deb

Thanks Deb, I hope too that I am back after half term telling you all he has "star of the week" which he so desparately wants . Its onlya three day week next week as they have inset days, I'm rather relieved it is too!

hugs back!:)

Edited by waveawand
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I'm glad to hear things are moving forward for you and your little boy waveawand! Hopefully they will continue to get better and the teacher will be able to work with you to get the issues with the other boy sorted properly. :o

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I'm glad to hear things are moving forward for you and your little boy waveawand! Hopefully they will continue to get better and the teacher will be able to work with you to get the issues with the other boy sorted properly. :o

 

Thank you so much - it means a lot to me that there is always someone on here to listen and help me out :) I tried to give my son his little 'prompt' on Monday this week - he said he didnt need it anymore... he still says he feels lonely when certain kids dont let him play, but its encouraging him now to confide in the teacher that is the next step I feel cos I cant do much from home ( ie after the event !) xx

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