I Could Really Do With Some Advice On Behaviour

[Guest]

A child in my care was misbehaving today when this child is usually quite good. However parent has always said they misbehave at home. Today we saw the child's typical 'at home' behaviour. I spoke to parent and suggested a behaviour chart, something they have never used, I said I'd make one with child tomorrow. The parents make empty threats and I explained that children realise they are empty so they either need to be followed through or not made in the first place. Parent told me more of the unwanted behaviour at home. Parent nearly in tears, doesn't know what to do - this child is the eldest of 4. Parent said it makes her feel like she doesn't deserve to be their parent. No continuity of discipline from parents. As much as she tries, she only has little control.

Child can be defiant towards me and my staff but does what is asked eventually.

 

I'm not really sure how to help this parent. In a nut shell this child is mainly defiant, does not listen to parents and can be quite vindictive for a young 4 year old.

 

Can anyone suggests activities I can do with child that often walks away when you try to talk to them?

 

All suggestions greatfully received

Thank you

 

ppp

[Upsy Daisy]

I think that you need to try and work really closely with these parents.

 

Could you agree some strategies which are used by all of you so that there is more consistency in this little one's life?

 

I there are four such small children in the household I guess that your child may only be getting attention for unacceptable behaviour so could you support the parents in praising some wanted behaviours first? Ask them to set themselves a target of finding a certain number of things to praise in their child every day. If you are doing the same in the setting let you can let them know what you have praised each day so they can hear that it is possible to find lots of examples of behaviour which deserves praise. Explain how to give very specific praise - Thank you for picking that toy up. It was very helpful. I'm proud of you for remembering to hang your coat up, well done.

 

You could suggest that they offer choices so that the child still feels some control without needing to be disobedient - would you like to put your cars or your pens away first? Are you going to put on your pyjamas or clean your teeth first?

 

If they are using a behaviour chart they mustn't take away rewards which have been earned by good behaviour. It might help if the child brings it in to show you how well he/she is doing.

 

Could the walking away be a result of expecting to be criticised by adults? Lots of praise might help with that one too.

 

Good luck.

 

I hope some of this helps.

[Guest tinkerbell]

The child is probably relieved to get their time with you ,not struggling for attention as they must be doing at home,which is where this learnt behaviour has happened.They must find it hard being the oldest and probably expected to act more 'grown up' when they are only 4!

 

I do agree to support the parent and to show the child you value the reward chart from home,lots of praise

 

Could you give child 'special jobs?'to boost their self esteem and show how much you like the child when they have lovely behaviour

 

Tinkerbell

[Guest]

Thank you Tinkerbell and Upsy daisy.

 

Is it my place to ask for exaples of misbehaving at home so I can help the parents with strategies? Or is that beyond my call of duty?

 

ppp

[Guest]

I think it would be really relevant to ask what the 'misbehaviour' is at home so that you can work together and be consistent

[Inge]

From reeding your post think perhaps this parent needs some help which would help with parenting skills, while you can do so much is there anywhere you could go to get help for you and her.

 

we had a contact at local children's centre where they did parenting classes for parent who were feeling low and in need of help, they all said it was useful as they realised they were not the only ones with these issues, and were able to network with others who often felt isolated at home with such a young family.

 

You will be only able to help so far, she may not feel she needs the extra support but it may be worth finding out and asking?

 

as with all my first stop was early years dept , they may have the relevant help

 

Inge

[HappyMaz]

Is it my place to ask for exaples of misbehaving at home so I can help the parents with strategies? Or is that beyond my call of duty?

You do have to be careful not to overstep the mark of course, but I do think it is part of our work to help parents find ways to manage their children's behaviour positively. Perhaps a good place to start is to open a discussion about what is unacceptable behaviour, so that there is consistency between home and the setting, and both parties understand where the other is coming from.

 

You might ask the parent what strategies she is currently using and whether she feels they are effective, and then share some that you use in the settng which you have found useful with other children. That way you're asking advice from her about managing her child's behaviour, and not putting yourself in the role of the 'expert', if you see what I mean. As for the parenting course, I have found this very helpful for some parents - especially as I did one myself when my children were little and really reaped the benefits. So I can talk at first hand about how helpful they were, and also empathise a few weeks into the course if they should find themselves going backwards instead of forwards, as I remember doing!

 

This parent does sound at a very low ebb, and must be very unhappy. She's very vulnerable and so needs to be handled very carefully - she's lucky she has you for support, P³!

 

Maz

[Guest]

Thank you everyone.

We have seen some progress both at home and pg and the child is very proud of their chart. The parent and I talk before and after each session and parent seems happier now.

We shall see what next week brings!

 

Great advice as always

 

ppp