Angry And Upset

[Rea]

Hi, this is nothing to do with FS or anything related but I'm angry and I wanted to get it all out. My 11year old is at his secondary school today for a visit, the school nurse has just phoned me, he's quiet and anxious and compaining if stomach ache, and this is all down to a horrible little...thing in year 7 who recently has been seen punching my sons friends, shouting abuse at them and asking them for money. I'm really angry that his first day is ruined, that his anticipation of starting in September has been overshadowed by a bully. I feel sick and I want to cry for him, he doesnt like and never has liked even play figthing with his dad and brother, he's a thinker, compassionate, caring and thoughtful. And now I'm really crying....Hopefully the school nurse will be able to sort this now if not, any unused sharp sticks you've got will be gratefully received! Sorry to hijack the forum feel better now though. Thanks

[Beau]

Oh Rea,

 

This is always a big upheaval for children, moving from the relative safety of a primary school into a much bigger school. The last thing they need is extra concerns about bullies , especially if they know they're not the type of person to be able to stand up to them. My son too is very quiet and gentle and I've always felt really protective of him so I know how you must be feeling. The problem is if the bully operates unchecked then theres not much comfort to offer your son in terms of assurance that it won't happen to him. Its so difficult to know what to do. Do you know the parents of these other boys that have been punched? We have always said that if one of our children was bullied we would have no hesitation involving the police and getting them chargied with assault. I think that's the only way to make them see that they can't get away with it. I hope when your son get's home he can see the positive side to the secondary school. And in the meantime I'll get sharpening!!

[Susan]

OH how dreadful, of course you're upset and that is exactly what this part of the forum is for, to share good & offload bad news, whatever you might need to.

At least you know the school was caring enough to contact you. Can you do something else about the bullying/ the bully as that shouldn't be allowed to continue.

Hope your son won't be too depressed/ upset when he gets home Good luck with tackling the rest!

[hali]

hi

 

I know how you feel my son started sec school last sept too...and has been pushed around and bullied i went straight in and spoke to head of year and his form teacher and thankfully they sorted it there and then and we have had no more problems.

Go in and get it sorted.

My son told me other day that now 2 of the bullies are getting bullied themselves by bigger kids.

 

What goes around comes around (is that right!!)

[mundia]

Hi Rea, not a very nice introduction to secondary schoollife?

Dont feel at all embarrassed about posting, as Susan said, Im sure we're not just hear to share the wonderful things that happen to us, but the bad things too.

 

Are these children known to your son or his friends? It is good that the nurse was concerned enough to phone you but is she aware of what happened? As hali says,you must get it sorted by seeing the appropriate heads to express your concerns. I hope your son's friends' parents are doing the same.

 

I hope your son isnt to traumatised by today, fortunately you still have some time to go befoer he starts, and if you have another opportunity to visit I would certainly take it.

 

Take care of yourselves.

[Gezabel]

Oh poor you.

 

I empathise with your anger and your tears - isn't being a mum just the hardest job in the world and Oh how it hurts sometimes. It must be a materanl instinct that makes us want to hug them forever so nothing and no-one can ever hurt them.

 

The positive thing is that the nurse seems to be on the ball and aware of the situation - fingers and toes crossed she gets it sorted now. Hope your son is able to put today behind him and look forward to his new school.

[Sue R]

Oh, rea and geraldine!!!!

 

Just sympathy and hugs all the way

 

Lost for words right now, might try again,

 

Sue xx xx

[Alison]

Hi Rea

 

It doesnt get easier as they get older doesnt and us mums still worry as much now as we ever did when they were little

 

I remember the hassle I gave my mum as a teenager and now as I watch my 11 year old go up to high school september I can understand why my mum worried so much I can honestly say I think I am more nervous about it than my daughter is about this transition to high school

 

dont ever feel guilty or angry for caring too much, your son will soon learn to adapt to high school he knows that if he has a problem that you will help him and that the school nurse is there to help too

 

I have heard that martial arts are a good way to give a child confidence to know they can defend themselves but without encouraging aggression, I dont know if its worth considering? Ive also heard it helps develops concentration and its a good form of exercise if nothing else.

[Rea]

Hi to everyone, thanks for all your comments, I really appriciate them. I went to meet him from school (not cool I know), school nurse was in reception area, I spoke to her about the lad involved, she knew him, he's recently had an injury requiring stiches to his forehead, she said he might need more stiches if it carries on!! Son has said tonight that he is looking forward to going in September, so thats a relief. Keep all sharpened sticks on stand by! Thanks

[Beau]

Good for your son Rea! Don't hesitate to contact the school with your concerns (again not cool but as parents do we care about that??? ) Just keep positive about the move to the secondary school and focus your son on that. In the meantime I'm creating quite a pile of sharpened implements - just give us a shout when you need them.

[Rea]

Thanks for all messages of support(and the sticks!) school is very good, head of year phoned me today said she knows the lads mom quite well and is going to tell her I will involve the police if bullying continues (I actually dont know if this is a good idea) but at least school are right on top of things. Thanks again. On a lighter note, I read some of the 'things children say' and have 1 to offer, it may not be suitable for family viewing but it made me smile at the time. A girl at our setting a year ago always carried a Barbi with her, I asked her during a quiet period why she liked Barbi so much, her reply, with demonstration..'Because you can open her legs'

[Gezabel]

I am interested in the "to involve the police or not" and absoultely agree that the bullies must be stopped and until a few years ago I would not have hesitated to involve the police.

 

When my son was 14/15yrs old he was a victim of a bully for a short period of time. It was a lad who lived in the village and travelled on the same school bus and it was usually on the homeward journey that he verbally or physically bullied my son.

I approached the parents whose attitude was "lads will be lads!" my sons were simply not allowed to hit/kick/punch or anything physical and with hindsight maybe my son was an easy target.

 

It all ended one day (on the bus!) when my son told the lad to leave him alone - the response was an elbow in the face which undid 18mths of orthodontic work and my son spent 5 hours with a facial surgeon - 'train track' braces can cause alot of damage when they are elbowed by a bully!

 

The school were fantastically supportive and the lad was immediately suspeneded. The head urged us to contact the police but my son was absolutely adamant he did not want them involved. He said I wanted to because I was so angry and what had happened and anger was not the right reason! He felt it would be a reason for further verbal bullying in the future. He also said that if the lad was charged he would have a police record and my son felt he did not want to be responsible for causing that irrespective of his injuries. At 15 I had to really listen to him and respect his views. In the end no police were involved. The lad and his parents were called into school and the Head very nearly expelled him but he was coming up to exams so he let him back with a warning - one inch out of line and he would be out.

 

This lad still lives in the village and last year at the age of 23 he spoke to my son for the first time since the incident - to say sorry and to thank him for not involving the police. He now has his dream job and was able to say 'No' to the question Have you ever had a police caution for any reason?

 

Sorry this is a ramble! just interested what others think especially if it involves younger children.

[Beau]

I think in most cases Geraldine you'll find that the police will go and talk to the parents and child involved and give them a warning. Particularly if this is the first incidence. The idea being that it will show them the seriousness of the matter, without actually charging them with anything. Then hopefully they will think twice about doing anything in the future. Obviously you always stand the risk of this inflaming matters but thats how bullies win. No action just teaches them that they can get away with it.

 

All credit to your son though. Obviously in your case it worked out for the best.

[Gezabel]

Aha!! If it is a case of Mr Policeman going round and "having a word" then I would 'go for it' I thought those days were gone and it was now a police caution which is official and stays on record.

 

Like lots of things I suppose each case is different and its a question of finding the balance that results in stopping in the bullies.