Advice Needed

[Guest]

Hi

We have a child at our pre-school, he was 3 years old last month. He has been with us a year. He keeps hitting the other children, we have filled in an ABC chart, he just walks up and hits them, he can be walking by and he will hit them as he walks past. there doesn't seem to be anything to instigate it. We have explained that its not nice - look at how sad you have made ?????? but he just stares and says nothing. He is a very big lad for his age. If someone just touchs him etc he cries. My other problem is a girl who he hit once, months ago. She cries before she comes in, she is terrified of him, we have spoken to her, tried to explain but the situation seems to be getting worse, today every time he came near her she wet herself. We were playing a table top game, the boy came over he just sat the other side of the table, she cried and wet herself he didn't do anything. I'm not quite sure how to handle this situation for the best. I have spoken to the mother of the boy and agreed strategies. I have spoken to the mother of the girl - she said as she waits outside to come in if he is there she cries and shakes as soon as she sees him. has anybody else ever expereinced anything like this?

[Andreamay]

oh dear what a shame

i havent come accross it but could you perhaps have both these children on a task together.We ahve helpers of the day in twos which is good for pairing up or perhaps you can encourage him to be helpful to her ie.put on the tap for her or help her build a tower etc

To be honest she will need to toughen up a bit (not condoning what he did mind)

Why not try getting your point accross with persona dolls.

Sorry not alot of help im sure plenty of good advise will follow though

[Guest]

Thanks for your reply, this one really has me stumped, she wet herself three times in one afternoon today, everytime he came near her................

[Marion]

I had a similar situation before Christmas with 2 boys one as you say is much bigger and doesn't seem to realise what he is doing is wrong (mum says his much older brother 'plays' this way with him at home)

the other child is small for his age and the youngest in his family.

While we were doing circle time I asked the first boy if he liked the other and if they were friends and he said yes. I then asked the other boy if he liked being hurt and did he think thats what friends did and he said no. To be honest I think it came as a big shock more than if I had told him off. The other child seems happier just knowing that they are 'friends' and mum says he is happier coming to school.

There are still underlying problems but it has improved things slightly.

[Helen]

We have a milder version of this going on in our setting at the moment. New boisterous boy pushing into/over other children, several children saying they don't want to come here anymore. It's so tricky, isn't it? We've resorted to one member of staff (we swap throughout the morning) being allocated to him, so that he can't make the first strike. Things were better this morning; he spent virtually the first two hours in a cardboard box!! ....Re-enacting "Whatever next?" with two other children and a member of staff on red alert The children saw a different side to him for the first time, so we'll build on this tomorrow. Our thinking is that if we allocate 1-1 for the next couple of weeks, we might break the cycle of him pushing other children. I'll let you know what happens

I've heard of settings awarding stickers for every half-hour of being gentle. I'd suggest you do this discretely with the little boy or everyone will want one! This way, he'll probably get one or two each session, so he won't think he's failed, but there's always the aim of getting loads!

[Guest]

As others have said, a tricky one, which has no single answer, just strategies to try.

 

How is the girl with other peers?, does she have a close friend who could be encouraged to play alongside the boy, thus playing in a small group with the boy. A sort of safety in numbers.

 

Not sure if this will work, do you know the song "poor mary is a weeping"

Child sits in circle, sing song then child in centre chooses a friend to skip around the circle with....may be difficult but with an adult holding hands, could encourage boy and girl to be the ones skipping round.

 

I also encourage all children to say to their peers if they have been upset, to speak up for themselves, ie: "don't do that it hurt". Even if we as adults have to intervene we still encourage the 'victim' to voice his/her rights ( so to speak).

 

Maybe also ask for senco support to discover what is behind the boys behaviour.

 

good luck

 

Peggy

[Guest]

We have a slightly similar situation at the moment - hence my post earlier in the week about positive behaviour management techniques. We are having a great deal of success with this and one thing that I am trying which is going really well is having a special time with the little chap in question, just 1 minute or two and we have a really big hug and I tell him he is a good boy and I love his hugs. We do have our Code of Conduct for Physical Contact which allows us to do this! I feel strongly in our case that he hears messages throughout his day which make him feel he is a naughty boy (whether spoken or unspoken, i.e. body language). I really want to affirm him and so far it seems to be working. I also downloaded some feelings photos and I have laminated them and made them into an interactive display, adding a safety mirror. We have talked as a group about the feelings as well as what makes us feel happy, sad etc. Tomorrow we are going to paint pictures of our faces with varying expressions to add to the display........

 

I wish you luck with your situation because it is always difficult but remember the '3 f's' - FIRM, FAIR AND FRIENDLY and I bet you see a difference before long.

[Deb]

Good advice as always, very difficult situation for you, you seem to have two problems to deal with.

 

We have a pushing, kicking boisterous boy who's not really aggressive just excitable and not used to too many boundaries or other children. Just over 3 years old.

 

Last week we drew round hands, cut them out and talked about kind hands and unkind hands at circle time, throwing the unkind hands in the bin because we don't like unkind hands at pre-school. This has worked with our little boy especially when we encourage him to 'tickle' instead of hit. Today he was getting boisterous lining up, I reminded him and demonstrated kind hands and was rewarded with a hug and a kiss on the cheek! Turned round to see groups of children hugging, and even the odd kiss on the cheek!

 

I'm sure you have lots of strategies like this, just thought it worth mentioning.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Thanks for all your replies. I will give the good and bad actions another try. I did this in September when we were doing our bodies - but could be worth another try.

peggy do you have the words to poor mary is a weeping, thought i might try this in a circle time.

I have a feelings wall with pictures of different emotions, so i have been pointing these out and copying faces etc.

I have tried stickers but he doesn't seem to be that bothered whether he gets one or not.

Thanks for all your replies, at the moment he comes to us 3 days a week, sept he is coming every day and so is the girl,

We will perservier (sorry can't spell, getting late) -i'm sure we will get there in the end!!!!!

[Beau]

Don't know if this is the one.

 

Poor Mary has a circle of children with hands joined and walking round another child (usually a girl) who is kneeling in the centre of the circle with her face in her hands. As they sing, she enacts the words:

 

Poor Mary sat a-weeping, a-weeping, a-weeping, Poor Mary sat a-weeping on a bright summer's day. On this carpet she shall kneel Till the grass grows in the field Stand up, stand up upon your feet And choose the one you love so sweet. At this point "Mary" chooses another child to join her in the centre of the ring and they join hands and walk round in the opposite direstion to the outer circle, who sing

 

Now you are married, you must be good

And help your wife to chop the wood

Chop, chop, chop!

and with this ritual completed, the children change places and a new "Mary" takes her place in the centre of the ring.

[Guest]

Deb

How did you demonstrate good hands and bad hands with the cut outs? I was wondering if it was by using a different colour or did you pick them up and use them for gesturing (!) I would definitely like to try this idea. Thanks for sharing!

[Deb]

Hi LJW!

 

Reading back 'wot i wrote', I missed a bit out.

 

Having drawn round and cut out children's hands, we asked the children what they thought kind hands did and what unkind hands did, during circle time. We used one colour for kind hands, one colour for unkind hands. The children found it harder to think of words to describe kind hands than unkind hands. So we demonstrated kind hands ie tickle, stroke, pat, love - kind hands are gentle etc. We wrote the words the children said on the appropriate coloured hand. At the end we threw the unkind hands in the bin with the children. (Only the hands went in the bin) We then made a display out of the hands, think it should be a 'kind tree' with the hands as the leaves but we already have two 'trees' full of blossom so had to have a 'kind bush' which we labelled with the kind hand words.

 

This was a strategy shared with a group of us on a behaviour management course some years ago. Hope you like it too.

[Andreamay]

Thank you so much for that deb i love it!

We are doing helping hands next week and a heart tree to cover mothers day etc but i think we will do kind hands aswell especialy as there has been a few incidents of unkind hands of late

[Inge]

As an extension or alternative to the kind hands tree we also do a helping hands one, children do something for someone else to help them and someone writes it on their hand print to put on the tree, if they can they draw or write it themselves. children love to find things to help you with and tidying or cleaning and mopping floor etc becomes so easy

 

Inge

[Guest]

Thanks Debs. That certainly painted a picture for me and I will definitely be doing it next week (and the week after, and the week after.....)

[Guest]

Earlier this term I found some resources on the site sparklebox.com which may help this issue, there are several pictures you can use to make a 'thinking tree' display ie kind hands, kind words, smile etc which are represented by fruits and leaves, my reception class thought they were great especially as our class groups are all fruits!

[Guest]

would love to know ending to this one followed advice and story as I had similiar problem at time

how did it go did poor mary help and how did god hands go i used that one and it worked with me with rewards.