Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Tonight I was making dinner when my youngest daughter said 'Mummy ******* said I cant ever go to her house to play because her mummy thinks we are a rough family'...what does that mean. Now to my daughters credit (she is the youngest of 4 and is 5yr old) didnt seem overly bothered about this and i tentatively tried to explain that different people for reasons only known to themselves can sometimes form wrong opinions about others before getting to know them. She seemed quite happy with this explanation and didnt raise the subject again. Where as I am in bits about it and cant shake of what this woman has said. To give you a bit of history I am a divorced Mum of four and my two eldest children go to a lovely and rather over subscribed school in a small village (we are out of the catchment area, in a not so exclusive area) I had quite a job getting them into this school but they have been their ever since they were small. This childs mother is a learning support assistant at their school and has helped my second eldest son on occassions. I have worked hard and I own my own home, car etc and as a family me manage very nicely. The children see their Dad on the weekends and we are on good speaking terms with eachother. I just feel this woman has attached a label to my family and i had to spend time with my daughter explaining why this was. This is the first time i think my daughter has looked at her family as being different to others....and now she has been given a label to pin on to it 'rough family'. Sorry if I am not making much sense, its late and I am preparing for my interview for tomorrow but feel so low i cant pull myself out of it. One thing this situation has proved to me is just how careful and considerate adults should be when talking to young children. This woman has every right not to invite my daughter into her home but she has no right stating such negitive reasons which are untrue and hurtful. The really sad part is her daughter and mine are really good friends and my daughter just says, well i can still play with her at school, so thats ok Mummy. Claire x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Claire You sound like a thoughtful, caring person who has has worked hard to provide for your family - how lucky your family must be. How sad for your daughter's friend that she has a mother who is passing on such ignorant, judgmental, thoughtless assumptions about people which, in this case, are preventing her from developing a blossoming friendship with your daughter! Why do some people think that because of their circumstances/education/job/place of birth/colour/sexual orientation etc etc that they are better than others!? And worse still pass their narrow minded, hurtful opinions onto their children! Who ever said "sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me" has obviously not been on the receiving end of verbal bullying. I know which family i would like my children to be playing with......when can they come round ! Sending a big hug((((((((())))))))) Patricia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue R Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I couldn't agree more, Patricia! Claire I can only endorse those views and send more virtual hugs, don't let it get to you and good luck for that interview! Sue xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Thats awful claire and so unnecessary. I've got lots of 'rough' friends who, when you get tpo know them are really lovely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Running Bunny Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Claire, What a situation to find yourself in - no-one should have to explain things like that to a five year old child. Like you said, she has made a judgement based on the situation of the family rather than actually getting to know you. Her life must be very blinkered if that is the way she views the world. It sounds as though you handled the situation really well and that your children have a great family to be part of! When I was at nursery, we had a two year old who was an amputee and had a false arm with a metal hook (sorry if this is the wrong terminology) for a hand. One evening he was happily playing with the brio train track when the mum of an older child came in and exclaimed in front of children, staff and other parents 'what on earth is that thing on his arm?' We politely explained that it WAS his arm and he managed to do everything that the other children could (I wonder what opinions her daughter has of the world now, a few years on from that incident?) Like we so often say, it is not the children, but the parents that need educating! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Oh Cupcake sending you virtual hugs and do try not to let this silly woman get to you. Easy to say I know! Over 20 years ago I was a divorced Mum with four small children and yes I got 'labelled' or rather my children did, they were suddenly not just my boys any more but became the 'boys from a broken home'. Anything that happened at school and I am talking the perfectly normal child fall outs etc was attributed to 'oh well he comes from a broken home'. I found it deeply hurtful and upsetting. I found that some children who had previously come to my house to play many times were quite often 'busy' when my sons invited them round The invitations my children received also diminished somewhat - It was heartbreaking but I held my head high and continued parenting my sons and being proud of them for the way they coped both with the divorce and the backlash from other children who had their parents views imposed on them. We had many comments of 'My mum said...' and many times I cried myself to sleep at night but we survived My sons are all now in their twenties all healthy, happy and well adjusted adults making their way in the world and I am immensly proud of them all. We still live in the same area and I find it quite interesting that reports in the local paper of lads in trouble for drink driving, assault or other misdemeanours are sometimes names I recognise and are children from the very families that caused me so much distress with their 'holier than thou' attitude al those years ago. Maybe one way of 'coping' is to pity this mother - through her narrow minded thoughts and assumptions she is clearly denying her own child the pleasure of playing in her own home with her chosen friend. Your daughter sounds delightful and I often think young children are more resiliant than us adults! I do remember being so hurt on behalf of my children if that makes sense and yet they themselves dealt with comments and situations far better than I did! I would give yourself a huge pat on the back for being a great Mum and do try not to let the comments get to you - good luck with the interview and let us know how it goes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Claire, nothing different to add, just wanted to send some hugs and good wishes. Hope you were able to put this behind you and get some good news about your interview. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andreamay Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I didnt even get to read all your post,How b..... awful,I too would be spitting feathers,( i am!by just reading it) The fact she is a teaching assisant makes it worse,she should know better! When Ive calmed down I'll try and be more helpful. Who the hell does she think she is i hate it when people get hurt. I would send her an invite 'perhaps as we are so rough you would like to accompany your child to tea' im sorry im no use,will come back though I would complain to the head,its not professional! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 A lot of us i imagine have been in that position at some point...silly women, bet she dosnt have many friends!!!! virtual hugs from me too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Many many thankyou's to all you wonderful people. Reading your replies has made me feel so much better. Tomorrow i think i will have a gentle word with the Mum just so she realises that 'negative comments' do hurt. My daughter like I said is so over it already...she came running out of school full of news about joining a gym club (the one her friend goes to), even very young children find ways around adult restrictions So i will be enrolling her to start next week. I hope when the Mum gets to know us better then her opinions will change. On the interview note I had such a brilliant day. I took in the 'Mrs Honey's Hat' story sack and the children loved it as did the staff. There is such a lovely ethos attached to this preschool and you could really sense it. When i was helping to pack the resources away one member of staff pulled me to one side and said 'I think you have walked it' but me being me i wont count my chickens before they hatch. I have the second part of the interview (with comittee) next Weds then they will let me know either way within 24 hours, so fingers crossed. It will be quite sad saying goodbye to my present key children, but I will have a four week handover period which should make it easier all round. I will keep you all posted. Claire xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 (edited) Well done Claire, sounds like you done well - just to add people often get the wrong impression about our family, having five children people automatically assume that I have been married before or some of the children may be from a previous marriage by my husband, they always seem shocked that we wanted five children and have been married for 20 years!! People who judge others before even knowing them are shallow and narrow minded, I have always been drawn to people who do not follow the stereotypical picture of normalness, usually that's the best type of person you will ever meet, rough, poor, rich, black, small, tall - who cares what we look like it is what's inside that counts and makes us who we are. Edited January 10, 2007 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue R Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hear, hear!!! - at the grand old age of 53 I still get dirty looks when my tattoos are visible - do they make me a 'granny-basher' (!!)? I'm still a damn good Nursery Nurse - modest too!! Well said Shirel - and good luck for part 2 Claire!!!!! Sue x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andreamay Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 yes good luck Claire Im sorry i wasnt much use earlier but I think you should just mention it to this mum,she should beaware that her comments hurt but that what damage it could of done to your poor daughter. I work in an affluent pre-school (think thats the word) but drive an oldish car and i know some parents turn their nose up! i have just never been very materialistic (must be being a farmers wife and bringing up 3 lads) as long it gets me there and back safely! We think your great even if you are rough!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Please don't spend time worrying about it - or her (easier said than done). You have pride in yourself and your achievements, and what you have done with your children, and you don't need her approval. Whilst this has never happened to me, I often find myself on the defensive when I explain that I manage a nursery in a disadvantaged area. People pull faces or comment on how hard it must be - as everyone is very quick to attach labels to all manner of things. The children and families I work with are worth their weight in gold - and are no different to anyone else. The mum who has said that you are 'rough' is sjowing herself up, and is forcing her prejudices onto her children. Stand with you head held high next time you see her (if it was me I would have to make a comment back to her - and see how embarrassed she felt then) x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marion Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 As everyone has said already its her problem not yours that she is obviously so narrow minded as to judge people without knowing them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 prujudice ( excuse spelling) is such a negative attitude, as we know it comes from ignorance, it almost always evokes anger, which is what I felt when I just read your post. Thank goodness for people like you cupcake who can rise above it, you have shown a forgiving nature by thinking about letting this woman have the opportunity of 'getting to know you better' and hopefully through this her ignorance will be replaced with tolerance and understanding. *** Unfortunately the words*** we use when discussing prejudice are not in my mind very useful, to be tolerant can be seen as negative 'putting up with' and understanding can be seen as negative too, it can implie a condecending approach. I've never liked the paragraph within most equal opps policies ' irresepective of race, religion, gender etc' to me irrespective sounds too much like irrelevant, I use the phrase 'with respect of race, religion etc. What you have shown cupcake is that actions certainly speak louder than some words, the way you explained to your daughter, remaining calm and not showing negative emotion, your actions have taught her a very valuable lesson in how to 'react to others prejudice and not to take prejudice comments too personal, remembering that ignorance is at its root' well done. Fingers (and legs) crossed for a successful interview and hopefully you get the job, YOU DESERVE IT. and did you know all diamonds have 'rough' edges Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narnia Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I also think you've handled this really well.................and i speak as a tattooed mother of 6, who lives in an ex-council house, here in the midst of a very affluent area...........................and it's strange how attitudes change when you say where you live!! I have also got 6 wonderful, well-adjusted, happy, very moral young people who I am thrilled to call "my children".........they are loved, they KNOW they are loved and they love us in return.So, head up, know that you are doing a wonderful job with your own children,and pity this nasty woman with her small minded attitude.I hope you get the job, your infuence will be a much better one on the children you will look after,than hers will ever be!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Good luck with part 2 then Claire. Why are the interviews so prolonged? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Well Claire you obviously didn't let that stupid narrow minded woman's comments get the better of you - well done and good luck with part two. Am sure you will walk it like the staff said! Reading your post made me feel extremely angry - what an absolute cow and as people have said as a TA she should know better. You sound like a wonderful, kind natured mummy and if that's being labelled as rough now then I hope that's what the other mums at my sons nursery are saying about me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 How well you answered your daughter, I have taken note for next time my daughter comes home with hurt feelings! I would be so tempted to let this mother know you know some how, 'you'll never guess what someone said' but you sound too sensible to do that! So glad the 1st interview went well, good luck with the 2nd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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