Anger Management

[Guest terrydoo73]

We are a small playgroup in Northern Ireland opened January 2011 with 12 children. As some of you know from previous postings we have a couple of difficult children and they are difficult believe you me! One of them has violent tendencies and does not realise what he is doing, it might be developmental or age related we are not sure and another child just gets him riled. To be honest we have had dealings with the child's parents - specifically the one who gets the other riled up and it left me in tears one day with the father as he told me off in no uncertain terms about how I handle things. I am emotionally easily upset and find it difficult to deal with such things. Anyway yesterday before we went off on a weeks half term holidays we received notification from our registering authority that there is a new pilot scheme being implemented for inspection of playgroups etc. I have to attend a meeting on the afternoon of the first day back to show us what will be required. The email that came yesterday went through all the things they will be checking and my Deputy and I went through it with a fine toothcomb. There is not really an issue with anything listed that we have to have but one thing that came up was our behaviour management policy and how it is implemented. I have been doing a lot of thinking overnight about what my Deputy said to me and it was very pointed which left me knowing within myself that she is right but basically I am the one with the problem of not controlling my anger enough, my voice is too raised with the children and I do not have the correct tactic in working with children who are difficult ie the children I mentioned above. This has been raised as you will know from reading my other posts and I need to address it seriously. I know books will not ideally help me but at least I can honestly know in my heart that I am trying to address it and if my Deputy continues to point the finger at me then I will genuinely have to consider whether I am cut out for working with children. My Deputy did her workplacement at another local Playgroup and I know the leaders and staff there have been working for over 15 years in that setting. Their personalities are one of total calm, never getting raised etc etc and I feel that is what it comes down to.

[Susan]

Bill Rodgers is good and he has written a book with his daughter aimed at early years although I havent read that.

 

Good luck!

[Posy]

Hi Terry,

Congratulations on such an honest post, none of us can ever say that we haven't said or reacted in the heat of the moment in a way we later (privately) regret,few of us are ever brave enough to admit it.

I have a behaviour checklist for staff which I developed for our behaviour management policy - not sure if it's on my home computer or at school - but would that help? Happy to share.

 

Posy

 

PS And a hug for you 'cos you sound like you need one.

[mundia]

Hi terrydoo. Given the number of conversations you have shared here that have gone on between yourself and your deputy, I wonder if you have considered filming yourself (and your deputy for that matter) to see for yourself if indeed you do do the things your deputy says you do?

 

Do you have a really trusted friend/advisory/mentor or equivalent that you would be willing to share that with so that you can see for yourself what is actually happening and how you might deal with it differently?

 

Sometimes if you are working with someone who is constantly telling you you aren't doing things right, can make you more tense, and gets you into a vicious cycle which is tricky to break out of. If you see it for yourself, you can be clearer about it.

[Lyanne]

Hi terrydoo. Given the number of conversations you have shared here that have gone on between yourself and your deputy, I wonder if you have considered filming yourself (and your deputy for that matter) to see for yourself if indeed you do do the things your deputy says you do?

 

Do you have a really trusted friend/advisory/mentor or equivalent that you would be willing to share that with so that you can see for yourself what is actually happening and how you might deal with it differently?

 

Sometimes if you are working with someone who is constantly telling you you aren't doing things right, can make you more tense, and gets you into a vicious cycle which is tricky to break out of. If you see it for yourself, you can be clearer about it.

 

I want to hit a like button! This is exactly what I thought. I am sure that at times you've said/done things at preschool that afterwards - sometimes immediately afterwards - you've thought ' bother! Wrong response :-( '

 

But the awareness of that, & consideration of what needs to change to avoid it next time, is what makes you a good reflective practitioner.

 

I had to speak to a member of staff the other day who'd been struggling with a boy with challenging behaviour, & I could see the way she was dealing with him was making him worse. I saw my immediate role as separating them & getting someone else to work with the child, & calm down the staff member. When she was with him the next day, they were both calmer. How is your deputy supporting you?

[Guest terrydoo73]

MyDeputy is bBasically stepping in and taking over. I made the remark to her one day which I thought she might pick up on but didn't. I end up doing observations on her key children simply because I feel it is easier to work with those who are not challenging/because she prefers to deal with them rather than let me work on a relationship with them - the little boy with violent tendencies is in his pre-preschool year and I have always thought it was a development/age related issue and we should ignore his behaviour it unless it is harming others in the setting. The little girl who flits a lot could do with some one to one work but again I have been told to let her be as it is her nature.

 

We had an issue relating to a child not settling and constantly needing her parent to be in attendance throughout the session for approx 2 months. I wanted to cut it as I felt it would be better for the child but my Deputy refused to do this - after all she was her key worker and she knew what was best. It took another childcare worker in a different setting to say the exact same as me and for me personally to step in and say to the parent enough coming in with the child. The child has in fact never looked back! This to me proved that I had reflected on the situation and was doing what was best for the child.

 

I also feel the same for these "challenging behaviour" children but constantly feel my opinion is not being considered enough. Hence probably why I am getting irritated - not really directing it I guess to the right person namely my Deputy and therefore getting myself into more difficulties with her.

 

We do have 2 volunteers who are members of the Management Committee and we value their input being in attendance 2 or 3 days a week each. One of them is supposed to be my mentor but I do not feel I could break the ice to ask for her opinion - I guess it is all about losing face really. To video us surely would go against our policies? Also I am not sure my Deputy would approve. We have called in an Early Years Advisor in the past but by the time she gets to us things seem to calm down a little. This Advisor rang me last week and after 10 minutes we had to give up getting a suitable date as she would not be available until the end of March and at that she was not prepared to sit in on a session preferring rather to hear our difficulties and seek a resolution which in the past has not been appropriately related to the situation or children. The last time she was with us the children behaved impecably obviously because a stranger was in their midst and they engaged her in their play more times than enough!

[Lyanne]

Well, yes the key person should know the child, family & situation best, but a key person can't over-ride the setting manager! And there can be times when the manager (you!) knows something about a family situation that affects what happens rather than the key person, be it from experience, more study of the situation, or confidential information about the child/family.

 

The more I read about your deputy, the more I feel she is under-mining you & exacerbating the situation. I'm hoping I'm wrong and that there are good times when she's genuinely supportive! I know we tend more to share the times we need support rather than the ordinary good days.

 

And my response is coloured by the knowledge that with hind-sight, my old manager did not want a supportive atmosphere with independent thought from staff, and let some things go on that should have been stopped, which has created a problem for the new manager (me) when I told a staff member that I'd have to give her a verbal warning if her behaviour doesn't change over half term... :-(

 

I know this isn't a direct response to your initial question, but I think I'd be inclined to do some serious thinking this week - yes, do some reading about anger management, but also some more reflective thinking and seeing what you can change. If your Deputy doesn't approve of videoing, why not? The issues of getting informed consent from parents/carers is 1 valid concern, but can be overcome, so then one has to look at why your deputy personally doesn't want to be videoed. I know some staff feel very self concious of being watched, but that has to be overcome.

 

I was browsing through Paige-Smith & Craft's Developing Reflective Practice in the Early Years (2008), and there's a bit on pages 82-83 about how a teacher has felt undermined by 1 child, causing her to tell off another child - I think it's a really valuable point, that the way we react to 1 child's specific actions is coloured by everything else that is happening and has happened.

[Guest]

From reading your posts over time I can't help wondering if perhaps it's assertiveness training you need rather than anger management. Have you ever seen that silly comedy film called Anger Management? I believe it has Adam Sandler in it. Although it's basically a comedy the underlying point, which is that the very mild mannered guy has anger issues because he is too passive and let's people undermine him all the time, might actually be reflected in your own situation. As you have hinted above yourself I don't think you have anger issues, I think you are just fed up of being walked all over and are letting your frustrations out in different ways. You need to tackle the cause of the issue, which is your lack of assertiveness, rather than just trying to mask the symptoms.

[HappyMaz]

Have you ever heard of a book called You Can't Come to My Birthday Party!? It is written by Betsy Evans, and is based on the High/Scope approach which uses conflict resolution techniques in order to teach children how to resolve their own conflicts with adult support, and peer support. The book takes you through all aspects of behaviour management, including why adults punish children and how using what we know about how children develop and learn can help us manage behaviour more positively.

 

It can be a radical approach to adopt this within a setting, but personally I think it has much to offer. Well worth a read - it will definitely give you a new perspective on why children behave the way they do and how the adult's approach is crucial in helping children learn from their mistakes.

[Guest]

I thought that book sounded really good, but then I looked at the price. £35 was the cheapest I found! Do you know anywhere cheaper copies are available?

[Lyanne]

I thought that book sounded really good, but then I looked at the price. £35 was the cheapest I found! Do you know anywhere cheaper copies are available?

 

That's what I found on Amazon too, but compared to Abebooks, or direct from high scope with shipping charges at over $100!, suddenly Amazon didn't sound too much...