Funny Christmas Poems / Stories

[SueFinanceManager]

Dear all

 

Short notice I know but going to a Christmas lunch tomorrow and wondered if anyone had a funny Christmas poem I could read. I went to a lunch once where someone had a funny story about turkey...something like on the 7th day of Christmas we had turkey curry etc....

 

If anyone has a funny Christmas poem or story they could share that would be great.

 

Thanks

Sue x

[Inge]

A politically correct Christmas

 

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole

were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

 

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

 

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

 

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose

And had gone on Jeremy Kyle, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

 

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

 

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

 

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

 

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

 

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

 

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

 

Copyright; Author Unknown

[SueFinanceManager]

Thanks Inge.....very good

[Inge]

Know this is too late for the original request but had to find somewhere.. made me laugh.

 

 

Christmas Health & Safety . . .

 

All persons planning to go dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of open sleighs for members of the public.

 

This assessment must also consider whether the use of only one horse for such a venture is appropriate, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

 

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks by night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally-heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to manage any known risks to the flocks.

 

The Angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his or her Glory all around, she/he must confirm that all such shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment as a safeguard against potentially harmful levels of UVA, UVB and possible side-effects caused by exposure to overwhelming Glory.

 

Following last year's well-publicised case, everyone is advised that current Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R. Reindeer. Further to this, the exclusion of Mr R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

 

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies to all individuals, up to and including royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are forbidden, and caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may provoke allergic reactions.

 

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger with no crib for a bed, Social Services have been informed and the matter is being investigated.

Happy Christmas!

[SueFinanceManager]

Made me laugh.....thanks.

[Rea]

Both very good, thank you