Personal Issue. Wise Assistance Please.

[HoneyPancakes]

This is way off topic but I have a personal issue in my family that I am sure the wise people on here may have opinions on.

 

This is the situation - Divorced parents, Mother diagnosed bi-polar and often hospitalised. Father has demanding, high level job which makes him unable to have full custody of the children for six months of the year. Children about to go to high school and local schools shocking (I went to one). Daughter aged 12 (go to high school later in this country), diagnosed dyslexic and not achieving well and wants to be a hairdresser. She has had some diagnoses of depression and anxiety. Son aged 11 - very sporty and taking risks. Not achieving at the highest level although being capable.

 

The children are very attached to their mother and have cared for and defended her for the greatest part of their lives. They would not easily be separated from her.

 

They all live in very rural circumstances. Mother trying to sell up to move to country and wants children to go to suburban high school providing Bachae laureate (?) which she believes suits their learning styles. Father is scared of mother's reaction to any suggestions he may make so has been VERY hands off and reluctant to make any.

 

My position is that these children would benefit from boarding school which would provide stability and discipline during the week, while weekends and holidays could be divided between parents depending on health and time constraints. This not out of financial reach of the family. But, the children won't go easily and mother will go off the planet. Father hates messing with the status quo.

 

I think it is not the children's job to be caring for their mother and their needs (not their wants) should be the highest priority. My husband thinks I should butt out but I really feel for these children and I think it would be in their best interest to make active changes in their lives.

 

What think the Wise Folk?

 

Honey.

[SueFinanceManager]

I have some empathy with your hubbies view point as you can finds yourself damaging a relationship you may have with one or all of the parties involved even though you feel you are trying to help.

 

Having said that sometimes you feel you cannot sit back and do nothing....I appreciate that too.

 

Dealing with someone with bi-polar can be very difficult depending on the severity of the case but if this mum is often hospitalised I would think she has a severe form. Can I ask, does she end up in hospital because she comes of her meds or are her meds not controlling the illness?

 

It cannot be healthy for the children to see mum in and out of hospital and depending on the episodes that lead to the hospitlisation these could be very unsettling too.

 

However the bond between children and mum is obviously very strong and must be considered.

 

Dad's attitude seems a bit of a cop out to me.....I do appreciate deling with someone with bi-polar is incredibly hard, frustrating and at times so infruriating you could scream/cry or do both but these are his children and if he feels they are not getting the best care he needs to sit down with them and explain he loves them and is worried about them and what do they want and what does he want for them and how can they achieve this?

 

Could dad have a nanny/full time child care person to live in so that when he is not around they have someone? What about grandparents can they offer any support?

 

I agree some type of boarding school sounds great, a place they can just be children worrying about themselves and getting 24 hour supervision etc. However they may feel if they leave mum there will be noone to fight her corner and that she may just be left to her own devices to fend for herself which may be very detrimental to her existing helath problems.

 

I am not sure I have offered any help but I would urge caution if you are going to get involved. Metal health patients can be so difficult to deal with and what they say and what they do can be 2 very different things. Mum may feel that people are trying to take her babies away and that may trigger a dramatic response.

 

If you are determined to try and help then contact some professionals for advice, people like Mind might offer advice or put you in the right direction.

 

Good luck and I hope it all works out.

[Susan]

I find it very difficult to offer an opinion on this but my fear would be that you make more diificulties than you are trying to solve and endanger everyone's mental health.

[HoneyPancakes]

Greatest thanks. Not sure if my opinion counts for anything anyway - I'm 12,000 miles away. Nanny would have been fine a few years ago, but now they need to go to school four hours away. You both seem to have grasped the complexity of this problem.

 

I do have my own agenda that I should admit to. I was from the same area, and wasn't achieving at school - was depressed and lacking discipline I think. I was offered the chance to board for years 11 and 12 but was so Bolshie by then that I refused - now I really think I would have benefited from it. Up my expectations a bit.

 

Honey

[Guest]

I do have my own agenda that I should admit to. I was from the same area, and wasn't achieving at school - was depressed and lacking discipline I think. I was offered the chance to board for years 11 and 12 but was so Bolshie by then that I refused - now I really think I would have benefited from it. Up my expectations a bit.

 

Honey

 

Without wishing to offend you, I wonder if you are trying to help this family by giving them the solution for the teenage you, not the teenage them?

[fimbo]

i think there are alot of issues going on with this situation. my mother has severe bi-polar along with other mental health problems.

do the family have a support worker - who supports the children when their mum is 'unwell', when she is hospitalised, who looks after the children ?

i suppose the point im trying to get to, is the family getting the support and help they need ? the children may acheive more at school and cope better with it if the support structures were in place ?

id be wary of mums idea to sell up and move - was this decision made when she was fit and well ?

dad should have input into the decisions regarding where the children go to school and live etc - he should also be part of the 'support plan'

the schools the children are about to attend may of changed since you were there, if they are aware of mums health issues , they could offer more support for the children -extra tuition etc etc.

[Lucie]

Hi, my mum was paralysed, had mental health issues as well as other things. My mum and dad stayed living together until me and my brother were both a couple of years into secondary school.

i did a lot of caring for my mum whilst i was younger...dad worked as much as he could to support the family, and i would get her dressed, help her in the bathroom, cook and all manner of other things.

When mum and dad split she went to live by herself with some in home care, but i spent a lot of time there and still did a lot of care.

What i'm getting at is that my mums brother and wife were adament that we shouldn't be doing any caring for mum, they 'stuck their noses in' and organised where she would live and the care she would get. They completely underestimated the situation, and my dad backed off because he was shouted down at every turn. The care was rubbish compared to what mum needed, and this ended up in very bad circumstances...which i'll not go into here

 

So just make sure that everyone is consulted when trying to make things 'better'. I would of done anything for my mum, but I couldn't be there 24/7 because of school. However, if someone had said, 'right, you're going to boarding school because that will be best', i would have been devastated.

Luckily my mum and dad were still on happy terms and I could stay where I wanted, but he worked long hours for half the year too so i hardly saw him over the summer months.

 

Not sure I've really goven you any advice, just make sure that everyone - including the children - gets their chance to talk things over I guess.

 

[HoneyPancakes]

I am so glad I posted this question on here. Some really sage answers, suggestions and observations. Will keep the lines of communication open without shooting off my mouth. Promise!!

 

I did stick my oar in at the beginning of the year though, and glad I did. The children had recently changed school (again) and I rang their head teacher just to ensure someone was aware there were difficulties. Obviously she couldn't comment, but was keen to listen and pleased to know that someone cared. The last school couldn't tell her why they had moved, Mother's friends were generally nurses so wouldn't talk. Dad was too scared to get involved with the school in case Mother thought they were in cahoots against her and move the children again. I was the only person who could blab a bit.

 

The mother builds great networks when she's well and then sabotages them when she needs them most. When she goes into hospital it's usually to change her medication, I don't know circumstances - she's been in hospital almost a month this time.

 

These children would have had the opportunity to board at schools chosen for them if their parents were not divorced and their mother unwell. It's just not fair that they lose out both ways.

 

Many thanks again,

 

Honey

[Guest rainyjaney]

Please don't take this as a criticism, but I'm a little confused as to why a boarding school is seen as being the ideal solution for the children. Perhaps it is different where they live and I know that boarding schools these days are not like they were when I was young, but the experience of boarding school can also be difficult for children.

[HoneyPancakes]

From a UK perspective Boarding school may seem harsh, but country children in Australia often have to travel to cities to complete their education. I boarded with family as I didn't want to go to private school - but looking back I would have benefited from the examples set in a strict, structured environment. These children will be going to the city (away from their father) for high school anyway. But they are in a position where they can afford private schools.

 

Mum proposes to sell up and move to the city with them. Dad's job means he has to be in the country. I feel that the children are failing (and being failed) and having more stability in their day to day lives would benefit them. At the moment they regularly miss the school bus as Mum doesn't get out of bed when she is low and she wants to have the children at home with her. Last term they missed 17 days school!! The children aren't academic and would rather be home so it doesn't bother them. Bothers me!! And their father.

 

This is why I think (although I won't be saying it to anyone else) that the children should board in a stable environment and have well established weekend and holiday arrangements made for when their parents are best able to put their needs first.

 

Distance is a much bigger issue in Australia than it is here. When my little boy was in school nursery, my cousin, on a gap year, was very surprised to see us Mummies taking our littlies into the nursery. 'Not like at home is it? Where the Teeny Tinies have already been on the bus for an hour!!'

 

Cooeee,

 

Honey

[Guest rainyjaney]

Is there the equivalent of an educational social worker involved if the children are missing that much time off

school?

[HappyMaz]

So just make sure that everyone is consulted when trying to make things 'better'. I would of done anything for my mum, but I couldn't be there 24/7 because of school. However, if someone had said, 'right, you're going to boarding school because that will be best', i would have been devastated.

I've tried a couple of times to post but each time have given up because I realised I was actually carrying out my own therapy in my response. However this comment from Lucie struck such a chord with me.

 

I was a teenage carer, albeit because my mum had a terminal illness and so I was in a different position than these children. However decisions were continually being made for me on the basis that at 15 the grown ups felt I needed to be sheltered from the harsh realities of my mum's condition. I would be shipped off to my dad's just as mum would reach a crisis and need to be hospitalised to be stabilised again. I felt such a failure - no-one knew more than I how desperate her situation was but at the really crucial times I was sent away like a child. I felt powerless and I resented everyone because they didn't ask me what I wanted or how I felt.

 

My guess is that the children may be resistant to the idea of a boarding school because they feel responsible for their mother's health and wellbeing, but maybe there is a compromise that will enable her to receive the care she needs so that the children can be relieved of the caring burden and concentrate on school and on themselves. Perhaps the money necessary to pay for boarding school fees could be used instead for a nursing/care package to enable mum to be supported to continue to live at home?

 

I feel that any such intervention needs to be done locally by family and professionals who can support everyone to find a solution that meets as many of their needs as possible. Dad is really the person who needs to step up to the mark here, I think. He needs to balance being unpopular with doing what is right for the children and their mum, bearing in mind his no doubt genuine concerns for her mental health.

 

He is in an unenviable position here, and I think he will need a lot of support. The relationship between child carers and the parent they care for is complicated and needs to be handled very carefully. There may well be a lot of anger, resentment and downright hostility but with careful planning and patience hopefully the children can be helped to see that whatever is decided is in their own best interests.

 

Incidentally, my caring duties meant I didn't achieve the good grades at O level that I was predicted. My mum was always more worried about this than I was, and I did catch up later. It took me some time to achieve my potential academically, but I wouldn't have swapped the time I spent with my mum until she died for all the O levels in the world.

 

I really hope this family gets the support it so badly needs.

[HoneyPancakes]

Thank you for being so candid. So, maybe instead of saying nothing, I should be encouraging questions to be asked of the children so that they can make informed decisions?

 

Where do you want to go to school?

 

Where would you like to live?

 

Which schools have you looked at?

 

Do you think there are other schools worth looking at?

 

What do the schools you have chosen have that others don't?

 

Who would you like to live with you?

 

What would you like your weekends and holidays to be like?

 

Have/would you consider/ed living at school during the week?

 

Am also going to stick my neck out again and give the head teacher another bell - just in case she feel left out of the loop. (but not until I'm back from hols!)

 

Thanks, once again for all your thoughtful and candid responses. Many, I see, have been painful to write so doubly valuable.

 

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. Going away for a few days so won't do anything rash.

 

Cooee,

 

Honey

[Guest]

Such heartbreaking reading

 

With the best of intentions children and young people are, so often, not allowed the chance to voice their feelings and choices and the decisions made on their behalf have (as highlighted so eloquently here) life-long consequences.

 

The whole family needs support but the wishes of the children involved MUST come first... keeping lines of communication open with the school is a positive as it will help them make decisions "on the ground" to benefit all involved.

 

Honey, I hope you manage to communicate clearly to the children that you have their welfare at heart and will always be there to listen and support - whatever choices they make. Enjoy your break!

 

Nona

[HoneyPancakes]

Just to update, I'm back from holidays and there have been developments while I've been away. The children are now in Dad's care, and have been enrolled at their original school. My nephew seems fine and enjoying being back with his old mates. Predictably though, my niece is very upset and teary. I am relieved that the children are now in a stable environment to give them a bit of respite and hoping that the cost of being separated from Mum isn't too high. Trusting, of course, that sensitive and regular visiting arrangements can be negotiated. And...High School issues don't seem such an imperative now that their home-life is more stable. So feeling much more positive all round.

 

Honey.