SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 In the spirit of the fast approaching Rednose Day I have decided to share some witty one liners / play on words with you. I must confess I can take no credit for these, they come from a friend of mine and they made me laugh.....I particularly like the ones which use a play on words! Anyways, if a few of you add some more witty one liners over the next few days too I will donate £20 to Comic Relief on Friday. I went to a pub this evening called the Fiddle. It was awful. In fact it was a vile inn. When I was at school, the kids used to throw gold bars at me. I was a victim of bullion. Be back soon with more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 One for Steve; Clive says I was reciting parts of "Lord of the Rings" in the middle of the night - I was Tolkein in my sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 I have just read a book about a short Welsh milkman. Its called Midget Jones Dairy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 www.conjunctivitis .com - now theres a site for sore eyes Did I say some of these one liners are truly awful Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Ready for another..... My American cousin was arrested for stealing Tippex. He has been sent to a correctional facility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 When Clive found out I had replaced our bed with a trampoline, he hit the roof! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Do you think Forrest Gump's computer password is "1Forrest1" ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 I told my boyfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. He said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 'The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted. Assaulted....he he I had to read that twice....you were nearly too subtle for me!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 A man just got out of jail and ran down the road saying, "I'm free I,m free" and this little boy said, "Whow I'm four." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 ok, last one for tonight; I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch' Be back tomorrow......bet you can't wait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Today a guy drove past me on his tractor shouting "the end of the world is nigh". I think he was Farmer Geddon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 ok one last one and then I am going to bed... I got a book from the library called "How to end the life of your dog with dignity" It was such a good book I couldn't put it down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 I saw a sign today that made me wet myself. It said...... "toilets closed" Nona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Two signs in a shop window. First says "door alarmed" and the second (hand written) says "window slightly worried". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I saw a sign today that made me wet myself. It said...... "toilets closed" Nona Very good....I knew you peeps would be good at this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Two signs in a shop window. First says "door alarmed" and the second (hand written) says "window slightly worried". My favourite so far me thinks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Here we go again........ A book has just fallen on my head. I suppose I only have myshelf to blame. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 this one I is in local toilets. on back wall is a sign.. Duel flush toilets.... hand written on it is.. fight you for it........ and they keep removing the sign only to replace with another spelt the same way and the graffiti is then added again... been happening 2 years so far... am wondering when someone will realise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Oh Inge, that is brilliant.....the sign writers need a pedant on their staff to spot the obvious mistake......I know one I could recommend for the job but I dare not mention his name or he may come downstairs and sack me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 There is a letter on the doormat marked in red letters "DO NOT BEND" .......... How I am supposed to pick it up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 A closed mouth gathers no foot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inge Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 and in my case.. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I brought Clive a fluorescent pen yesterday - he said it was the highlight of his day. Are they getting better or worse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gezabel Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 On my shopping expedition today I ran out of diesel. They never caught me and now I've got a nice new jacket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 On my shopping expedition today I ran out of diesel. They never caught me and now I've got a nice new jacket. Very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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