Supernanny

[Guest]

Hello. This is a REALLY long post sp, tanks for reading!!

 

I am writing this as a parent and not a childcare worker!!

 

I am a stressed out mum of one, 2.6 years. As is usual for this age, Natalie is regularly throwing tantrums, seemingly about nothing most of the time. She seems to switch from a little angel into a little horror in a matter of seconds. A prime example of this happened last week.

 

Natalie and I were lounging around on the sofa having cuddles and a chat. Natalie has very good language and communication skills for a child of her age, and is able to form grammatically correct sentences as well as using words in the correct context. I was always under the impression that tantrums occured mainly because the child had difficulty in communicating their meanings or intentions but this is not the case with Natalie.

 

Anyway, we were sitting on the sofa and I was talking to Natalie about starting her new pre-school, trying to reassure her and prepare her for the changes that we're about to happen. It went really well and by the time I had finished talking to her, Natalie was really excited about going to 'school' to play with all her new friends.

 

The next thing I know, she is going completely loopy! Screaming, shouting, hitting me, kicking and flailing on the floor. I know the most efective way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it, not give it any attention whatsoever, so I managed to do this for 2 hours. It was a real long one and it was getting more and more difficult to ignore her. I attempted to busy myself with the household chores, mainly in other areas of the house, rather than be in the same room listening to it and getting more annoyed.

 

Unfortunately, I eventually lost my temper with her and ended up shouting and screaming back at her to stop, which is not like me at all, but the tantrums are so regular they have got Simon and I to breaking point. We even considered going to the Health Visitor for help and advice, knowing that they would tell me the same thing as I already knew. I even studied all my development books and related textbooks to try and find another appraoch to dealing with the tantrums.

 

The tantrums are regular, with them taking place 5-6 times a day. They are gradually getting worse and Natalie is now becoming violent. I don't know where this has come from as neither Simon nor I smack her. We just don't believe in it and no-one else in our family does too.

 

So anyway, we watched the first couple of episodes of Supernanny and I was so impressed with the way she turned the children around that I considered the, dare I say it, 'naughty corner' approach . I don't agree with using the word naughty let alone chairs or corners, but it seemed to work for those other families and I thought it might work for us.

 

Simon is all for the naughty chair business, but although I am swaying in that direction, I don't agree with it at all. I like the idea of time out but really don't know whether this is the right way to go. All I do know is, is that I am slowly losing my patience with it all as it has been going on for sooo long. I don't get much support from family members as they are busy running their own businesses, Simon works long hours and is usually out before Natalie gets up and doesn't come back until she is in bed.

 

I even went so far as to tell a friend that I was beginning to regret having her at all. I feel totally ashamed of myself for thinking such things and I love her very, very much. I hate myself for thinking such thoughts about my own daughter and it plays on my mind all the time. The friend I spoke to won't speak to me anymore and I think it is because she is disgusted with the way I was carrying on. I was slightly drunk and feeling a bit emotional as it had been another long day, but out in public. We were all at a party and Natalie's behaviour was just plain awful.

 

I feel as though I should know how to deal with tantrums. It always seems easier with other people's children. I'm starting to feel inadequate as a nursery nurse, but more importantly, as a mother.

 

You don't need to reply, your eyes must be aching by now from all the reading, but I really wanted to vent myself before I lose control completely. Thanks for reading this. I know it is really long, so I'm going to stop now and get on with those chores, just as a another tantrum gets underway.

[Sue R]

Oh, Clare, my heart goes out to you!! (xxx)

 

There are parts of parenting that you just don't understand properly beforehand, or even expect - don't feel inadequate or worry that you should have all the answers as you're a NN!! Children never perform as expected, and why should they? they are all individuals!! The best we as parents can do is respond and try to resolve.

 

We had the most dreadful time with our daughter in her teens, my son's first year was a nightmare of screaming and broken nights (his screaming!!, not mine - though i got close ). That's not for sympathy, but solidarity

 

We never had a problem with tantrums, so this may sound 'precious', but I do sympathise... However, my son wet the bed regularly for absolutely ages, I never shouted or stressed, 'never mind, let's just sort this out...' was my standard response, it got to the point where he would do it in the middle of the night then wake us up to sort it . Then we were on holiday, camping, in a typical British summer, when he wet his sleeping bag. Husband suddenly snapped. He hauled him out of the bag (it was morning, fortunately), took him off for a shower, lecturing that this was totally unfair and it really had to stop, he'd spoilt the day for mummy as she'd got to try to get a sleeping bag washed and dry for tonight.....etc.

 

It never happened again.

 

Now I'm not saying you should be horrible to Natalie, she is very young, our son was about 5 at the time but maybe another approach..?? sorry, but other than reasoning, which at her age probably won't cut any ice (or maybe you not ignoring it might be change?), or just a big hug, I have no real techniques to offer - actually, wondering why I posted at all!!

 

Keep smiling, you'll get through it, like we did daughter's teens and son's first year

 

Suexx

[Guest]

Oh Clare - big hugs. No-one tells you how to be a parent, do they? I think, if everyone was completely honest, we'd all admit to having been driven nuts by our children. We love them to distraction and that's why they have the power to make us feel bad and that we've 'failed' in some way. For some reason we think that if children aren't perfect it's 'our fault'. I wonder why we do that?

 

Are you sure your friend isn't speaking to you? Perhaps you've been a bit 'off' because you feel embarrassed about having been so honest (I'm a big fan of honesty!) or perhaps she doesn't know what to say to help you so finds it easier to do nothing at all. If she has 'judged' you then it was time to get a new friend anyway.

 

I'm not an expert on under 3s so don't know what to suggest except I know lots of children have tantrums. As Natalie's obviously bright it could be that she has lots of feelings that she doesn't know how to deal with or express and these result in tantrums.

 

Personally I think that 'time out' is a positive thing. It doesn't have to be that she's sitting in a 'naughty' chair/corner/step. It could just be - 'You've done this, you need to sit here until you've calmed down'. I use time out in my classroom. I think that children need to have boundries and begin to understand what is/isn't acceptable.

 

Please don't beat yourself up too much - easier said then done, I know! You obviously love Natalie very much and she's lucky to have a mummy who so obviously wants what's best for her that she's willing to by so open and honest.

 

Moose xxx

[hali]

i agree time out is a statagy that may help you, good luck

[Guest]

Thanks Sue, Moose and Hali and all those reading!

 

Well, the tantrum is still in full swing, and again I am managing to ignore it. I don't feel so stressed out today though, knowing that I have been honest about how I feel with regard to the whole situation and knowing that I am not alone.

 

Moose, my friend definately isn't talking to me. I have tried sending her messages, she has 2 little ones and I don't like to ring in case I disturb them. I saw her in the street yesterday, she blatantly looked at me and quickly turned and walked away.

 

I have come to the conclusion that as much as I like her, she is more a 'fair weather' friend. What hurts though is that when she has been going through difficult times, her other childless friends havent wanted to get involved, but I was there for her, just really being a shoulder to cry on. I feel that if she were any kind of a proper friend, she would now be there for me, but clearly not.

 

Oh well, her loss at the end of the day. All I'm concerned about is the welfare of my daughter and doing the right thing by her.

[Susan]

Oh Claire that sounds rough, Im not surprised you are feeling the way you do and it is never good when you and your partner cant agree how to move forward but perhaps giving the time out option a go would help? It was never something I was very good at doing when mine were at that stage but it was a tactic my husband liked and it doesnt have to last for long, you may even find that you dont need to employ it very often!

If the tantrums are as long as you say then I would say you need to intervene anyway. I always used to hug and hold mine but they didnt have many fortunately and I never believed in the terrible twos, more the delightful twos, as I am sure you do not either but the Christopher Green book "Toddler Taming"is very easy to read and you might find something like that helps a bit? Perhaps there is a more up to date equivalent.

Either way be assured that you are not alone feeling as you do and you should not bottle up those feelings either nor feel guily about them. I have many times been thankful when the going has been tough that I am glad I wanted mine, can you imagine coping when you do not?

 

Big hugs to you and hope things get better soon.

[Guest]

Thanks Susan. Have just been to her to try and get her to calm down. Rubbing her back, soothing noises etc but she is whacking me in the face and frankly making me even crosser. Tried 'restraining' her but to no avail. Think I might just have to sit this one out....

[Beau]

Clare,

 

Firstly don't confuse your role as a childcare worker with that as a mum. Looking after other peoples children and dealing with their tantrums is much easier, I can assure you! I am sure that you are very good at your job and shouldn't lose confidence in this area because you are having difficulties in your private life.

 

Secondly a bit about tantrums. You're right that sometimes they happen due to an inability to communicate but you've got to think beyond this. Children of this age are egocentric and think that you should let them have what they want, when they want it. So if they have communicated perfectly clearly what they want and you still say no then they think that you haven't understood. They really can't get their heads around the fact that sometimes they can't have everything their own way. They are starting to become more independent and want to have more control and get frustrated when you seem to thwart their plans. They also love attention - good or bad - and tantrums are a great way to get attention! And remember, we all have off days/moments but are self disciplined enough to keep this from boiling over but 2 year olds don't have the skills to do this and so can snap at the smallest thing. What she is going through is a perfectly normal stage of development, so don't blame yourself. In fact, children need to go through this so they can learn about self restraint, so rejoice in the fact that it is a learning opportunity!!

 

Dealing with tantrums is a tricky one though. Obviously its best to avoid them in the first place by being responsive to your child and diverting them before a tantrum erupts. I am a great believer in the 'Oh look, theres an elephant in the garden' approach. And sometimes ignoring does work but this depends on what triggered the tantrum in the first place. Once a child loses control in the way you are describing, ignoring is probably only going to inflame the situation. Have you tried cuddling her and talking to her calmly in the early stages? Children can often find it quite frightening to lose control and need a lot of reassurance. They also need to know that its ok to feel cross but that there are better ways to deal with it than throwing a tantrum. Another approach is to throw your own tantrum! Get down on the floor and scream and stamp just as loudly - might just take the wind out of her sails long enough to actually talk to her. Sorry, feel I'm just rambling now! Arm yourself with a range of strategies and give them a go until you find something that works is probably what I'm trying to say. The most important thing is to do everything calmly and deliberately. The worse she is the calmer you must be. If you feel that you're getting wound up then put her somewhere safe and walk away for a couple of minutes to calm down.

[Susan]

Oh Clare, big hugs again.

 

Can you identify a trigger in all this?

 

Perhaps when she is hitting you, you need to get cross? She certainly needs to know that sort of behaviour is not acceptable however she feels. Could you teach her the yoga lion roar, I remember my mum doing that when my boys were at a difficult stage and it was certainly a distraction and could even be a coping strategy for her. Whatever it is that has upset her is obviously pretty mega to her or could be just that she now cant turn off the way she feels and it cant be very nice being that angry?

[Guest]

Oh Clare,

 

sounds like your having a day of it, I don't have children, but i have a sister who is three and a half and can tantrum for britain.

 

My mum, her dad and myself were all very against the naughty chair, but in the end we did use it (it didn't work).

Emily (my sister) is also very clever, and dare i say it darn spoilt (mostly my fault) she knows how to push buttons, and persistent is her middle name........

 

Emily hits out, she gets so angry that her face goes red in rage and she shouts and shouts, but if you ask her what she is shouting for she really doesn't have a clue (she gets so worked up that she forgets what started the tantrum in the first place).

 

Now Emily has the language to express herself, but sometimes simply chosses not to use that language.... maybe its more fun to throw a paddy (oh what it would be like to be in the mind of a three and a half year old) ...

 

we find the best thing to do is ignore her, and we use that all the time, believe me i have ignored her paddy when she was kicking of in sainsbury's (much to disgruntled stares of others).... I ignore her if she is paddying at home..... what we do do tho is we tell her (as she starts to paddy) that mummy, daddy, dawn (whoever is around basically) is not listening to her passy, as its silly noise.... we then leave the room, or occupy ourselves but completely ignore Emily.

sometimes she will come over and hit you (to get attention) we look at her and tell her firmly NO you do not hit, we then move her away from us. If she comes back to hit we walk away from her pathway (thus not giving her the opportunity to hit out).

The only time i can't ignore her (and she knows it) is if im driving, she has developed the knack of undoing the seatbelt and she knows then that i have to stop....(basically she gets attention)..... although we have been known to pull over and wait for an hour for her to calm down and let me put her seatbelt back on.

 

children hey!!!!!

 

I wish you luck.

 

Dawn

[Guest]

yes I totally sympathise it's awful for you and very frustrating and upsetting, as a mum and a teacher I would say you have the right approach by ignoring the tantrum

It's all about a position of authority, she will feel in a higher position when she knows it is getting to you - it really is a phase, and my son has had some in shops etc

I would call it a chilling out /cooling down area where she has to go and sit until she calms down by herself - and you have to be so strong but you cannot let her see you getting frustrated

It will ease in time but right now you won't be able to see that.

You have to give loads of praise when she's being more positive and reward systems can be made good use in the home as well

I guess it's an uphill struggle but feel free to share your concerns

[Guest]

Oh I totally sympathise, i had a son that could throw a brilliant temper tantrum and you think that because you work in child care you should have the magic touch. what you for get is that a work you emotions as a mother are not brought in to question.. i actually got to the point as my sons temper got worse and by the time he was about 7 I started to worry that if he gor any bigger he would start really hurting me. i went to a homeopathic doctor and had him "re-balanced" as my doctor callled it. a simple course of a few days tablets and he was a different child, and has been ever since, which is good as at 13 he's a head taller than me. Also I always keep a bottle of Bach rescue remedy drops that I put in his orange when he gets a bit stressed with school. i found that time outs nothing seemed to work.

try the time out by just sitting her down by your feet if you don't like the idea of a corner or chair. but i did find that a calm angry voice worked the best. my son now calls it my teacher voice!!!!! good luck lots of hugs and find your own corner if nothing else works

[Guest]

Ditto all the good advice Clare you will look back on it and wonder how you ever got through this stage, but you do and you will be so proud of yourself when you have conquered these trying times, you sound like such a lovely mum that there is no doubt you little precious girl will be tantrum-free soon, good luck and virtual empathy from me to (3 out of my five children tantrumed for England)!!

[Guest]

Sorry - don't want to hog the topic but reading some of the replies made me think of my first year teaching Y2. I had a boy with severe learning and behavioural problems. He'd fly off the handle sometimes and try to escape. I didn't know what to do as restraining him in a formal sense made him lash out so I used to wrap my arms around him, pull him on to my lap and rest his head on my shoulder and rock him backwards and forwards and just tell him quietly that he was alright, everything would be fine etc. I know your daughter's younger but it worked for this boy.

[aliamch]

Hi Clare, my girls never had tantrums (but they're making up for it now!) but my boy has had horrific tantrums from the age of 18 months. When he reached 2 we didn't use a 'naughty' chair or step but a 'quiet' time. This would be anywhere or time I had to physically sit him down. At first I used to sit with him holding and rocking like Moose did and gradually we now at the stage where he'll sit quietly for a couple of minutes before saying 'I'm ready to play nicely again'. He's just turned three and I can honestly say the tantrums are few and far between. But when he blows - WOW! I know how hard it is to cope and feeling like your the worst mum, but your not, if you were you wouldn't be feeling so guilty. As for your friend, if she can judge and condemn you so easily you are better of without her.

I also have to agree with Steph in that I'm a big fan of homeopathy and I never go anywhere without a bottle of Rescue Remedy.

Hope you having a chill out time now.

Karrie

[Guest]

Hi Clare,

 

Just posting to emphathise with you - i have a 16 year old son who used to throw wonderful tantrums (I didn't think they were great at the time!). He also had good verbal skills for a 2 year old. At the time I tried all the usual techniques I'd read in the many, many books I had. nothing much worked and he just outgrew them. Not a lot of help I know when your going through them. Just wanted to say 'go with the flow' try not to let it affect your relationship with your child - you know she is not doing it on purpose and certainly not doing it to cause you grief.

 

My son is a very intellegent young man now and I believe that even though he was able to speak very well when he was 2, because he was bright, he still was not able to express himself to the level he himself wanted to and this frustrated him. I feel he had also worked out that I adored him totally, and was shocked when he realised that that didn't mean I would give him everything he wanted, or give him my undivided attention always!

 

As your daughter has good language skills, empathising with her at the early stages, before the tantrum has got to the 'gone in the eyes' level might help. Like someone posted earlier, giving her the words she needs to use like 'I'm feeling angry', 'I'm ready to come and play again', 'I need a cuddle' etc. might help, or perhaps giving her feelings 'colours' pink=a little angry, orange=a bit more angry, red=very angry. Having to perhaps stop and think about how she's feeling (or to give you a bean bag/card of that colour) might defuse an orange feeling to a pink (or you might just get a bean bag in the face!!)

 

Incidently - at my nursery we call 'time out/naughty chair' 'thinking time' I feel it does help sometimes to take them away from the situation and give them time to calm down or back down - of course, just one minute for each year of their age (supernanny advice again, I'm afraid!)

 

Sorry about the waffle (I wish my communication skills were better!!)

 

Good luck - you WILL come through this time and you will be a stronger family unit for weathering it together.

 

Love and positive thoughts

 

MonicaXX

[narnia]

I think the important thing here is to try not to lose your temper with her, and to realise that these tantrums possibly frighten her as well! I agree with the time out suggestion, at preschool, we use an eggtimer and the child will go and sit at the drawing table or in the book corner until the sand has run through and they have hopefully calmed down , at least enough to be approached by a member of staff for a cuddle.I had one little boy who used to self-regulate with this, ie if he felt himself getting cross, he'd go and fetch the timer and sit down with it, even turning it over again if he felt he was still cross as he put it.It WILL pass, these things always do, but try not to feel you're a failure if you DO snap and yell at her........after all, we're only human and can only take so much!

[Guest]

Thank you everyone for all your support and suggestions!

 

The tantrum yesterday lasted a little over 2 hours. Natalie refused cuddles etc and pretty much just gave in in the end. Once she was calm enough we did the cuddles thing and I asked her if she knew why she was so sad, but obviously, the length of time the tantrum lasted, meant that she had forgotten in the first place what had made her feel so angry/upset.

 

Monica, I like the idea of giving Natalie the language to communicate her feelings. I have tried this with her in the past and now when she is crying, she'll tell me she's 'sad' or 'upset' so it seems we are getting there with that!

 

I showed Simon this thread yesterday and he was surprised by the responses. It's just that we have felt so alone in all this and we were feeling slightly better to know that others have been through the same thing and that there are people out there who WILL support us.

 

We have decided to re-evaluate the daily routine for the three of us, as Supernanny does this first! Plus there have been a few changes what with returning to work and so on.

 

We are then going to introduce time out to her slowly but so that she understands that we mean business. We both get down to her level and explain things to her, using language she understands, because I feel this is better in helping her understand reasons for things if that makes sense! Simon thought at the start that as the adult, he shouldn't have to sit down and explain to a 2 year old the why's and wherefor's, but having followed my lead for a short time, he is beginning to see the positive effect it can have.

 

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all your kind words and advice. I will let you know how things are going, later on in the week!

[hali]

all sounds good to me ...good luck

[Sue R]

Well done!! Look forward to reading about your progress

 

Sue x

[Marion]

Would just like to add my good luck wishes and say other peoples children are much easier than our own. Give me a class of 30 any day !

[Guest]

Just to say Good Luck and keep persevering with whatever method you choose. It'll all seem a distant memory in the not too far future.

They say if children are horrors when they are young - they'll be angels when they are teenagers! Unfortunately my son was lovely when he was young - so looks like I might be in for a bumpy ride when he's a teenager!!!

[Guest]

well done Clare sometime it the united front that works. My mum (now in her 80's) used to say that children have stages they all last different lengths of time and just as you are thinking that you can't stand it any longer they stop and go onto a different "stage". so following that lets hope this stage for you doesn't last to long

Lots of sympathy

Steph

[hali]

i agree with that one. i can remember my son being almost 2 1/2 i was 8 months pregant crying in the middle of the night in his room as he had got me up for the umtenth time night after night and i had to stay with him till he fell asleep...thinking how can i do this with a new born baby ...bless me a week later it was all over and he was skeeping through...

 

it all sots itself out in the end....

[Deb]

Just wanted to add my support.

 

Don't beat yourself up, none of us are perfect believe me! A child physcologist told us on her Behaviour Management course that it's so much easier managing other people's children because you're not so emotionally involved.

 

My much wanted daughter and third child was very hard to cope with at times, I lost my confidence and I know your feelings towards them can be momentarily affected. She also had wonderful communication skills. She's a lovely 11 year old now although still lively but I now look much more positively on these as strengths!

 

I used 'Toddler Taming' book and time out, which gave us both time to cool down.

 

One thing I learnt on one of many behaviour management courses (and wished I'd known then)was about how long it can take for any of us to cool down and be receptive to reason. When we are up there at the height of our tantrum/stressful situation, all the oxygen is needed elsewhere in the body ie heart and is taken away from the brain so no wonder we can't think rationally or listen to reason (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it). The point is it can take up to 45 minutes for us to come back down again and be capable of listening to reason. I find it helps me if I bear this in mind.

 

Best of luck

Deb

[Guest]

Hello

This is just a thought. Have you look at your Natalies diet? Could any certain foods be effecting her moods?

Rosina