Advice Needed Please

[SazzJ]

My brother and his girlfriend have split up and they have a 2 year old son. It was my brother choice to leave and while we all appreciate it couldn't have been easy we are all concerned at his son, my nephew who is 2 in June.

 

Since they split (a week go) he is refusing to eat and is instead just drinking coupious amounts of milk this in its slf has got us hugely concerned. We get on well with my nephws mum and hav made it clear that we are all there for them both. However my nephew is really struggling to adapt to the changes and instead sits night after night at th door crying for his dad. He is also preventing very challenging behavious to mum. He has took to biting and nipping and most nights his mum is not even allowed to look at him or speak to him without him shouting no and go away at her. Obviously she is all ready upset, wasn't expected, but the behaviour he is presenting is making things harder for her.

 

My nephews usual routine would be to be with mum monday, tuesday and wednesday am, wed pm he goes to grandparents (my parents) and returns Thurs pm to his mum and dad. Friday is sometimes spent with his parents staying at my parents. Sat is spent at my parents until sunday but again with his parents. We know we need to keep his routine and mum is happy for him to stay at his grandparents still. On a sat night she stays there with him too.

 

Obviously we are all upset and I am not sure what advice to offer mum on how to best deal with him.

 

I also have a child at work going through similar probs and not sure how to best support him and mum. Any advice would be greatly appreciated please.

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear this, it must be a really hard time for everyone concerned, especially since your nephew isn't taking it so well.

 

My nephews usual routine would be to be with mum monday, tuesday and wednesday am, wed pm he goes to grandparents (my parents) and returns Thurs pm to his mum and dad. Friday is sometimes spent with his parents staying at my parents. Sat is spent at my parents until sunday but again with his parents. We know we need to keep his routine and mum is happy for him to stay at his grandparents still. On a sat night she stays there with him too.

 

I'm a bit confused by this routine though, is this his routine now or before? You mention him staying with his parents at your parents, presumably they aren't both there now they've split up? What is the routine now? When does he see his dad? Could it be that the attempt to keep the routine is sending him mixed messages with regards to when his dad is going to be around, particularly if dad has moved back in with his parents and sometimes mum stays there too? Obviously I'm not saying this for definite because I'm not quite sure what you meant.

 

I think the important thing is for everyone to be consistent with him, no spoiling him or letting him get away with things because he's going through a hard time, but at the same time he needs some understanding. It's a tough line to walk and hard for everyone!

[Guest Spiral]

Sounds really awful.

 

I was just wondering whether your brother could have a word with him to help him realise it isn't the end of seeing his dad?

 

Also, how about making a sort of scrap book with pictures in to help him have something special to hold on to or look at when he can't communicate his feelings?

 

Hope it all gets sorted out for you all asap,

Spiral

[SazzJ]

I'm a bit confused by this routine though, is this his routine now or before? You mention him staying with his parents at your parents, presumably they aren't both there now they've split up? What is the routine now? When does he see his dad? Could it be that the attempt to keep the routine is sending him mixed messages with regards to when his dad is going to be around, particularly if dad has moved back in with his parents and sometimes mum stays there too? Obviously I'm not saying this for definite because I'm not quite sure what you meant.

 

I think the important thing is for everyone to be consistent with him, no spoiling him or letting him get away with things because he's going through a hard time, but at the same time he needs some understanding. It's a tough line to walk and hard for everyone!

 

His routine before they split was Wed night at grandparents (my parents) and would go home thurs tea time. Friday and Sat night was spent at my parents with his parents and they would return hom sunday. He has had this routin from being a few weeks old.

 

My bro (his dad) is back at my parents. My nephew stayed at my parents as usual this week with the exception of Sat. He spent that alone with my parents as his mum was at my sisters and my bro stayed with him at my parents. He sees hos dad most days but no longer at his home, he comes to my parents which he is used to popping up to during the week too.

 

His parents are eventually on speaking terms and can both be present still at my parents together.

[Inge]

all this his parents/ my parents is getting me very confused....

 

I am assuming

 

he stays with his grandparents on Wednesday and stays all Thursday returning home at teatime

and Friday and Saturday with his grandparents where his mum and dad usually stayed with him as well but not always now.

 

Now dad lives there and not at home.

 

so now he sees dad when staying at his grandparents but not at other times.. is dad always there when he is now?

 

this will be very confusing as it is no longer his normal routine... he used to go home with dad and mum but now dad stays and mum takes him away... he is probably in his small way thinking it is all mums fault that dad cannot come too.. after all she takes him away from dad and the food is a way of controlling the situation, along with the tantrums .

 

don't have a solution though... not sure if trying to keep the same routine completely would be the way to go.. he sees dad at his grandparents now which is so different to it is not really normal. but whatever is decided it needs all of those involved to follow the same routine/rules .

I see it that his mum is seen as the one who is the 'baddie' for taking him away from dad while at his grandparents - hence she sees a lot more of the bad times and upset.

 

would it be possible to completely change the routine so that dad sometimes sees him at home, or away form the usual , not advice usually given but do wonder if it may help.. have grandparents visit at home rather than he to them for a change at weekends..

 

food is a good controller... milk does contain a lot of what he needs but maybe restricting the amount to what would be seen as 'normal' and keeping to a feeding routine he had before even if he doesn't eat it ...

 

setting up a new or different routine if followed can work at this age but as he has been doing this for so long may not be the way forward..

 

as others have said.. keep it real, no extra treats etc. and stick with it... early will be the hardest..

[Guest]

Oh, poor sweetie. Sounds like he is getting comfort from drinking the milk. Also that he is blaming and ounishing his mum for what happened (although as an adult I know it is never as easy as saying it is one person's fault, in his brain it is). And perhaps testing her too - perhaps he is worried that daddy left because he was a naughty boy to him, and he is being horrid to his mum to check whether she is going to leave him too (again, not blaming his dad for going, but for a 2 year old it muct be confusing).

 

I guess he needs stabilty, maybe a little photo week planner so that he knows on which days he will be with different people. And to know that each individual loves him very much. Perhaps people need a special loving activity that they do with him (not an expensive going to a theme park each week, but baking, or gardening, or swimming or something like that).

 

And look at littleparachutes.com for some aga appropriate stories that may help him understand, and see that his situation is normal and happens to many families.

 

 

And big hugs all round.