lashes2508 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 what's brown and sticky ? a stick of course Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 As soon as we've passed the watershed, I've got a couple Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lashes2508 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 What is a pig's favourite game ? backgammon not sure if that is a joke as i made it up but think it works - oink oink Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lashes2508 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 As soon as we've passed the watershed, I've got a couple can't wait Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 There's a special offer on this week at my local pet shop....... Buy one cat - get one flea! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Please Steve, a groaning smiley now I dont drink wine, but I might just open one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Please Steve, a groaning smiley now I dont drink wine, but I might just open one! Cheers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finleysmaid Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 what do you call a polar bear in the jungle......... Lost! Why did the sweets go to school....... because they wanted to be smarties! Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle? because the paracetamol (parrots eat em all!)) What's father christmas' favourite garden tool His ho ho ho! Why did the banana go to the doctors...... because he wasn't peelin well! Oh dear these are the ones i tell the tthree year old and even they groan! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froglet Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Sue - LOL! Are you a secret member of some kind of cheese fanciers association?! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyPancakes Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Roy Rogers had a terrific pair of brand new, hand tooled, leather cowboy boots. Just before he was about to go out on stage he saw a cat gnawing on one of them. Roy lunged for the cat who took off out the window with the boot in his jaws. A search ensued - all the stage hands running around looking for the cat. Suddenly the cat was spied, captured and taken back to the dressing room. The stage hand asked.......'Pardon me Roy, Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Roy Rogers had a terrific pair of brand new, hand tooled, leather cowboy boots. Just before he was about to go out on stage he saw a cat gnawing on one of them. Roy lunged for the cat who took off out the window with the boot in his jaws. A search ensued - all the stage hands running around looking for the cat. Suddenly the cat was spied, captured and taken back to the dressing room. The stage hand asked.......'Pardon me Roy, Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?' :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: My fave so far :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyMaz Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Beau had a groaning smiley - wonder what happened to it? :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyPancakes Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Fletcher and Christian were prawns who lived a happy, but rather dull, life in the cool, blue ocean. One day Fletcher found a lamp in a shipwreck. He rubbed up against it and out popped a Genie!!! 'I'll grant you two wishes' blubbed the Genie. Fletcher thought for a while, and then said, 'I'm sick of being a boring, scared little prawn, I want to be a big, fast, exciting, scary shark.' And so it was. He had a fantastic time zooming around the ocean, scaring all the other sea-creatures. After a while he felt a bit lonely and went 'home' to see his brother. Christian hid and wouldn't come out! He didn't want to be eaten by the scary shark. Fletcher was so upset that he went back to the Genie and wished not to be a shark any more. Fletcher went back 'home' again to be with his brother. When Christian heard Fletcher's voice, he hid and wouldn't come out. 'It's alright' said Fletcher..........., 'I'm a prawn again Christian!' 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Brilliant - and better still - Mr S is wondering what I'm laughing about :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyPancakes Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Fred Fish and Sam Crab were the best of friends. To cut a long story short they both came a cropper and ended up having to account for their lives. Fred Fish went upstairs to knock on the pearly gates, while Sam Crab, who hadn't led such a wholesome life went downstairs. Fred enjoyed himself for a while and then started to find the constant clean, comfortable 'goodness' of Heaven to be a bit of a drag. He had a yen for seeing his old friend. He went to St Peter to plead his case. St Peter said, 'Well, alright, but you have to be back before the rooster crows for the third time, and if you don't have your harp with you you won't be able to get back in.' The deal was agreed. Fred went downstairs and had a fantastic time with is old mate who ran a nightclub in the underworld. They had all sorts of fun not available in Heaven...until....the rooster crowed for the first time....Just a few more minutes....the rooster crowed for a second time....Fred said a fond and rushed farewell to his old mate and rushed back upstairs. He knocked on the pearly gates just as the rooster crowed for the third time. St Peter came to the gate...'Fred Fish? Where Is Your Harp??!!' 'Oh No! gasped Fred........ 'I left my harp, in Sam Crab's Disco.' Apologies. Honey 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Right I'm off to bed with a whopping headache so my two jokes are here... What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs? Clever dick. A little girl goes shopping with her dad After the shoe shop, and the cake shop, she goes into the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted November 16, 2012 Author Share Posted November 16, 2012 Sue - LOL! Are you a secret member of some kind of cheese fanciers association?! I could tell you but then I would have to bake you au gratin of course 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 why dont skeletons fight each other?................................ they dont have the guts told you they would get worse once wine is open Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finleysmaid Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Man went to a pet shop and said he wanted an unusual pet. After several suggestions he went away with a hamster....though he was a bit miffed that it didn't seem very unusual. After 5 days the hamster died and he rang the petshop to complain....oh it's ok said the shopkeeper you need to make jam out of the remains ! the man did as he was told but the jam was disgusting and he threw it out of the window . The next day his garden was full of beautiful daffodils...he again rang the shop to tell the owner...after a short pause the shopkeeper said Well that's very unusual .....you normally get tulips from hamster jam! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Right I'm off to bed with a whopping headache so my two jokes are here... Poor you - hope you feel better in the morning!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finleysmaid Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 ok are we ready for the rude ones yet?????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 hope so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miacat3 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 Two snowmen in the garden. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell carrots?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miacat3 Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 (edited) Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep Edited November 16, 2012 by Miacat3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finleysmaid Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 well i am going to post this but if you are of a delicate nature please do not read............(that's got you interested hasn't it????go on admit it!) There were two ducks going on a date...they were getting on really well ....i mean REALLY well...so they went and got a room together in a local hotel. Things were really hotting up until the lady duck whispered..... "have you got protection?" The drake was rather embarassed and said no. So the lady duck said go and ask the receptionist they always have some behind the desk. A rather embarrased duck went to the very atractive receptionist and said shyly ermm excuse me do you have any???ermmm The receptionist recognising his embarassment handed him a packet.....thank you said the duck do you want me to put it on your bill sir..? NO shouted the duck what do you think i am a pervert???! 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hali Posted November 16, 2012 Share Posted November 16, 2012 what do you call a penguin in the sahara desert? .................................................. lost :mellow: ::1a ::1a ::1a 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rea Posted November 17, 2012 Share Posted November 17, 2012 OK, so its probably finished but... What do you call a snowman in the desert? A puddle 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted November 19, 2012 Author Share Posted November 19, 2012 Just been reading this back through and it is very funny So for those of you who contributed and that didn't win prizes in the photographic thread I am awarding FSF pens; pirates SueJ finleysmaid HoneyPanckaes Please pm me with your address and I will arrange it As for the first prize....off to consort with the moderating team and will report back later. Thanks again for all the laughs, Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoneyPancakes Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 Just been reading this back through and it is very funny So for those of you who contributed and that didn't win prizes in the photographic thread I am awarding FSF pens; pirates SueJ finleysmaid HoneyPanckaes Please pm me with your address and I will arrange it As for the first prize....off to consort with the moderating team and will report back later. Thanks again for all the laughs, Sue Hooray!! Thanks!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnyday Posted November 19, 2012 Share Posted November 19, 2012 Hooray!! Thanks!!! have to say HoneyP - your jokes were my favourites - I have told the 'Prawn again Christian' joke to anyone willing to listen! :lol: 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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