I have just heard today that a 3 year old girl in my setting is about to lose her mother to cancer. To my knowledge mum has not mentioned anything to her daughter. Dad is quiet and shy, but I think he has the support of his own mother. The girl attends two afternoons only per week, which will increase next term to two full days.

Would love some help and advice to be as supportive as we can without interfering.

Thank you.

What sad news!

Try the Winston's Wish site - it's all about supporting chidren when a family member has cancer.

Hope it helps.

Nona

Thats sad news.
Dad might appriciate you approaching him.
Tell him you've heard mom is very ill and that you are all there for him and the little girl.
You might be able to offer extra sessions to help the family out now and again.

How did you find out about this very sad event?

I believe See-Saw is a charity that helps bereaved children; give them a try. This will be a hard time for you and your staff too, condolences to all and be strong x

Hi Lesley

Very sad news!

I have a book 'Early Years Foundations - meeting the challenge'. There is a section on coping with bereavement which looks quite useful and you are welcome to borrow.

There is a web address too - www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk

best wishes

My dear friend Nessa was one of the families who took part in the series that was televised...and I know her family were very much involved.

Such wondeerful people.

Toadie

Hi Helen

When the child moved into my room I was informed that mum had had cancer. I had noticed she was wearing a headscarf and had obviously been having chemo. Nobody seems to know very many details and I think this is how the family wants it to be - at least at the moment.

I had the day off yesterday and when I went in today, was told that mum and grannie (mum in law) had been in and informed manager that she's been given two months. Apart from anything else, the child has quite underdeveloped language and does not interact with other children very much. I know that mum has horses and she often plays with model horses. She is in tomorrow and now that everyone knows we need to organise ourselves.

Thanks to all of you for your replies and I will follow up all your suggestions.

So sad. Thanks a million.

Lesley

my sister died from Leukaemia when her son was 4. My advice would be to let the family know that you know and that yo are willing to help in any way that you can, without being obtrusive or seeming to interfere.My sister didn't want her son to be treated any differently and once she had begun to accept that there was no more treatment, she wanted to plan for his future within the school community. We went to any events we could although chemo makes you very weak and resistance is low. His Nursery staff took lots of photos of her son in his everyday avctivities. She loved to look at these as she knew he was happy and carrying on as normal. We still look at these together 7 years on and he remembers vivdly that mum was sick, but he is fortunate to still see some school staff as they lived in a small village. Take your cue from the family and the child. What lies ahead is unbearably painful and traumatic but you can be a quiet help in more ways than you know. Good luck. Thinking of the family.

thats sad we had a mum pass away a couple of years ago and the child was clingy to dad at first but about a month afterwards we had the real test it was her birthday and she was convinved that mum was coming back for her birthday it was heartbreaking

we've got a child at the moment with an older sibling with very advanced leukimia things dont look good but all the child knows it that sister is ill in hospital I dont think at this stage there is much we can do, we chat about her older sister in hospital while we play so that she can express her feelings, we added a few medical props to the home corner so if she wanted to play doctors and act out some of the things she had seen while visiting her sister in the hospital it would help her deal with things or allow a time to ask the adults.we've offered support to the family by means of offering more flexible sessions but again sometimes there isnt much that anyone can do but be there,

I would agree with the previous thread.

Just being there and offering support will be what they will remember.

I had a parent last year who had a baby with serious heart problems and she constantly told us that nursery was a safe haven for her older daughter and how much she appreciated us and our flexibility.
Fortunately this story has a happier ending in that the baby (now 18 months old) is doing really well.

On the other side, another mum had a baby on the day we broke up from school for the summer, and the week before we came back to school we were at the funeral.
Again sympathy and support were all we could offer and a haven for her elder daughter. We spoke to parents and were told how they had explained it to their daughter and so we were able to say what they had said re where the baby had gone.
The family used a hospice for a few weeks and to further show our support after talking with Mum, we took this as our charity this year and just raised a little over £800 from a sponsored bike ride.

There will only be so much you can do and being an ear for someone to approach and talk to will also be a help

oh how sad - excellent advice given,

lots of good advice...

We found that parents have been grateful for the way things at pre-school did not change, it was the one place the child could be themselves and felt that things were the same and not changing. This was even more important after the bereavement , we offered support if the parents wanted it, and were flexible as we could be with attendance days and extra hours if needed at short notice.

I have been unfortunate to have had several children with some kind of bereavement , be it a sibling, or parent and each time the parents have commented that having a place the child could be happy and enjoy which was constant in their lives was one of the best things we could offer.

Inge

I think it is something you very much need to play by ear as every child and family cope in different ways (speaking as someone who has been there both as a parent and a teacher)

I have just read your message and wanted to reply straight away as I am going through a very similar experience with a child in my reception class. Sadly her mum passed away a month ago and it is such a distressing time. My advice from my own experience would be as others have said is let the dad and other family members know you are there and will do all you can. I spoke with the school SENCO who set up a councillor who has given support both at home and school and there are a number of good websites. My LSA's and I had known the mum for a number of years and so this beravment has effected all of us alot too so try and make sure you have support for yourselves.

A couple of years ago one of our Mums was killed suddenly, just before Christmas, in a car crash. Her two little boys were with us and Dad kept bringing them in and said he wanted to keep their structure.
All the other parents made a book for Dad, and another for the children, of their thoughts about Mum, so that the boys could look back on it later when they are old enough to understand.

I have found a book called 'Badger's parting gifts' a real tear-jerker, but very good for helping children come to terms with death. I would say - read it first a couple of times till you feel you are ready to read it out loud! I was given it 'cold' to read to a reception, year 1 a few years ago, with no warning, and halfway through thought 'ooh er - I think I know where this is going'

Hi Lesley,
At least it's all out in the open now, and you can follow the excellent advice given above. It's always so difficult when you don't know whether or not you're supposed to know. Now you can be proactive in saying you are there for them.

What a difficult situation. Take care of yourself too, Lesley and Chirpy who has slipped in here unnoticed with her first post.
Thank you for sharing that with us and I hope you will feel able to contribute again to "happier" threads, Chirpy.

Thanks Susan for pointing out Chirpy's first appearance; I had completely missed that fact
Thank you for your first contribution, Chirpy; the first of many we hope

This struck a chord with me too - I remember a little girl at pre-school some years ago whose father died after a long and protracted illness. She was very matter of fact about it and we took our cues from her and let her know that we were there to listen when she wanted to talk but otherwise it was very much 'business as normal' during her time with us. It was almost as if pre-school was a safe haven of normality away from the sadness and grief that had engulfed her family.

My heart goes out to the family you're supporting - but also to you and your colleagues who will inevitably be affected by this too. Don't forget your own needs for emotional support too - you'll need it in order to continue to support the child and family through the dark days ahead.

Maz

Hi there,

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I downloaded the Winston's Wish and the NCB details and have set up a folder for everyone at the setting and in my class to use. Thanks so much for those suggestions.

I told mum last Thursday that we are here and ready to help with anything - I stressed anything. The next day she stayed in the car and dad came in to collect the child. You could see it was difficult for him, but he overcame the initial shyness and exchanged a few words.

Thank you all so much for your concerns and I will let you know how things go. Thanks too Chirpy for your kind suggestions. I have spoken to our 2 Sencos and we will all work together on this. Thanks Cait for the idea of a book - that sounds wonderful.

Stay in touch.

Lesley

Thank you for the kind messages welcoming me. I have used this forum for a couple of years now and find it amazing. It can feel like a lonely place sometimes in a school where I am the only Reception class teacher and so I love looking for ideas and reassuarnce that I am doing the same things as others. I hope too that other threads I can now reply to are on a happier note but the forum was the first place I went for guidance, when this awful situation arose in my class recently.

Hi there,

I thought I would let you know how things are going with the situation I described previously. The girl returned to the setting today, starting her two full days including surviving a large, boisterous group during her first lunch. She came in really enthusiastically and didn't bat an eyelid. Coped really well and even began to extend some of her (solitary) play to include equipment she has not yet explored. Considering she had had a bad night, according to dad's (first) comment in the home-school link book, she did marvellously.

Dad was quite chatty on pick up - another step forward. We had already had some concerns re her speech, noting that she echoes quite a lot, but certainly comprehends what is said and also follows the routines of the setting. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Thanks again for your concerns and great wisdom.

Best wishes,

Lesley

Hi

Glad your relationship with Dad is developing well and of course the little girl appears to be coping.

Have you seen the bereavement policy in the resources section? Digging around in there today I saw it and thought of you.

Hi there,

Thanks Deb, I will go and look for it.

Lesley

Hi again Deb,

I clicked on resources but it keeps coming up error. Tried one or two words. How did you get into it?

glad it went well today Lesley - well done

Hi there

Just clicked on Resources on the left, then Resource Library, then policies...actually it says bereavement procedure on second glance but hopefully this is a link to it. Fingers crossed!


Bereavement policy in 'Policies' in Resources

Thank you - found it!

Hi everyone,

I will just bring you up to date with what has happened so far. The little girl began attending three full days a week and seems contented, coming in cheerfully every time. Her moods have been consistent ever since the start of term, although she cries when we begin to collect coats for the garden or when she has her nappies changed, more noticeable than beforehand.

The Friday before last mum collected and she looked dreadful. It must have been a real struggle for her - and still with a lovely smile on her face. Last week the whole family dropped off and collected as mum had gone into a hospice and they were all there with her. At that point they had not mentioned anything to the daughter, although they were taking her straight to the hospice each afternoon.

Today we were informed that mum died at the weekend. Tomorrow we will find out when the funeral is to be. Our current contact is dad's mother, who lives with the family and is very approachable, but suffering greatly too. We told her last week about the folder we have put together with details of support organisations and especially the Winston's Wish sheets.

Thanks once again to you all for your help and support.

Best wishes,

Lesley

That is very sad news Lesley. Still a shock even though expected.

You seem to be well prepared, and have support in place for this little girl and her family. No doubt others who have experienced a loss like this will be along shortly to offer their support. I wonder, do you have support systems in place within your setting to help you and your staff through this emotionally draining time?

Take care.
Deb

**thinking of you***

make sure you and your staff talk through things and support each other

Hi,
Thinking of you all at this very difficult time. Today I was watching "This Morning" (as I have hurt my leg and have to sit and rest) and they had a feature on childhood bereavement and spoke with a mum whose husband died unexpectedly and she has written a book about her thoughts and the things she found helpful. They said they would put a link to it on their website so this might be helpful for you all too.

Make sure you find some space for you and your colleagues to talk about what has happened and to start to come to terms with this very sad news. It will take time and there will be days when those emotions hit you suddenly but be reassured that just by being your self and caring for that child you are helping and making one part of her day easier.

Love and prayers to you all

Nicky Sussex

Hi again,

Thanks for your replies. Today the little girl has now been told that her mummy has 'gone to live with the fairies'. The funeral is to be next week and she will not be attending.

I have to say it is beginning to drag us all down a little. We are dealing well with the ongoing matters, but I have noticed everyone being slightly more touchy and sensitive over other issues. Generally, we all feel sad. We will be discussing it together in our weekly meeting tomorrow morning and I will see if we can have some further help as a team.

Thanks again for your concern.

Lesley

sad news and difficult times for you all.

My daughter was 6 when my father-in-law died suddenly and her wise teacher and head teacher said how important it is that the child sees other people being sad or upset by the loss, as it helps them to express their own thoughts and feelings. So please don't try to put on a brave face!

Nona

I agree, Nona. We used to do a lot of damage to our children when loved ones died but were never ever referred to again, and feelings of sadness and loss went unexpressed and unacknowledged because we believed children should be spared from experiencing and witnessing such strong emotions.

So sorry to hear this news Lesley - you're doing such a great job supporting this family but as others have said don't overlook your own needs for support through what is going to be a difficult time for everyone.

Maz

Like others I have found this topic sad to read, and in a sense I have felt overwhelmed when trying to think about the depth of emotions this family and you and your staff are going through.
I have also, if I'm honest felt somewhat inspired (for want of a better descriptive word) by the warmth of other forum members carefully chosen words, their support and empathy, all being here, on the forum for each other, like a real family.
I'd like to say how very well you have approached and are dealing with this situation, your consideration for everyone, the child, spouse, extended family and your staff, is admirable and commendable. As I read your sentence: We told her last week about the folder we have put together with details of support organisations and especially the Winston's Wish sheets.. I imagined how comforting this will be for the family, in future weeks as they live through their grief.
Don't ever underestimate the value of such gestures from yourself and staff to this family, maybe in your staff chat, think about how the mere fact that this family have yourselves in a part of their life has helped immensley, take pride and strength from this knowledge to help you all lift the greyness and sadness and value the continuing positive impact you will have on this child and her families life in the near and distant future.
A big hug to you all.

Peggy

Hi Peggy

Thank you so much for your heartfelt and also greatly uplifting message. I agree, the warmth of feeling from all the messages I have received since my first post on this matter has been a wonderful support.

Yes, it is a grey time, a very grey time for all and today at our staff meeting we all agreed it is going to be tougher still. I can see there is still reluctance among some of my colleagues to look at this matter face to face, something which I am finding hard as they look to me for leadership and guidance. I said today that we will all need support and comfort at different times and stages as the next few months pass by and as it happens, we are all going out for supper together next Tuesday after our parents' evening. It will be good to spend time together socially, away from the setting.

Thanks for your concerns. All of you.

I hope you all have a peaceful and relaxing weekend.

Lesley

This is why support for the team is so important: there may be members of staff who still have unresolved feelings about a bereavement they have suffered, and these feelings can run extremely deep. It sounds to me as if you're doing a brilliant job, Lesley - they're lucky to have you at the helm!

Maz

Hi everyone,

I thought you might like to read an article in today's Guardian entitled 'A big hug for Ellie'. Her grannie wrote a little note telling us to look out for it. In view of the fact that this matter is now in the big wide world, I thought those of you who had responded to this thread might find it interesting. I looked on the website and searched for it that way.


Once again, thank you all for your contributions and good wishes,

Lesley

A Big Hug For Ellie

Just thought I'd post the link for anyone who wants to read it.

A beautiful and touching article, so well written - my sympathy to the family and to Ellie at this sad time.

How sad for the whole family, and how brave of the mother.

Who knows what the child is thinking, but in your setting you will be in a very good position to 'listen' to the child's thoughts in whatever way they show themselves. No doubt the professional support and normality you and your setting provide will have contributed to her current relative well-being.

Take care

what a beautiful article- i lost my mum just over a year ago and it made me cry so much - losing your mum no matter what your age leaves a huge gap in your life - obviously it is a lot harder for children especially as it is through illness or accident but i thought the article was amazing.

i sobbed while reading that. bless her and her family. i'm sure she is very lucky to have you in her life x

I had a little boy in my nursery class 3 years ago who lost his mum. She was so brave and only 25 and I remember the day she told me she only had weeks to live. She asked for a meeting with me after the nursery session was over. She was totally focussed on how I was to help her little boy when she had gone to carry on as normally as he could. She wanted me and the other nursery staff to be there to help her son comes to term with his loss but to try and treat him as we would any other child in nursery. She was also very keen to ensure that her 18 month old daughter could also have a place in the nursery when she was old enough (they were out of catchment) which the head teacher agreed to immediately. The little boy never mentioned his mum to me although came to me for a hug more than he ever used to. I can't offer any more advice than what's already been said but I am thinking about you and the family at this terribly sad time, mrsW.

They sound like a lovely family. What an awful tragedy but they're dealing with it in an amazingly thoughtful way. Thanks for sharing it with us too.

What a well written, poignant article, although she asks "What is Ellie thinking" she has shown an insight to a child's thoughts and perspective. I have certainly learnt from it and in these times of 'judgment' over Jade Goody's actions of including the media in her cancer struggle, I think it really shows the role of Jade, as a mother, trying her best to 'provide' for her soon to be motherless children.
Thanks for sharing and continued supportive thoughts to you and your staff team.

Peggy